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1 Jan 2005, 15:31
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#1
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Godfather
Join Date: May 2000
Location: England
Posts: 5,185
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JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
In the past 24hours i have had several 'bad things' happen. Infact embarassing things....
Everything comes in threes so i shall now relate this happy tale to you. If your looking for a story about a happy little elf go elsewhere.
I recently had a rather messy split with an ex gf who basically '****ed me over' twice. However as luck and fate would have it a rather pretty thing presenter herself to me just after all this happened. Not being one to continue wallowing in my own self pity i figured 'maybe i should give it a shot and see where it goes'.
SOOOO we begin the most formal dating experience of my life to date. All my previous gfs have just kind of 'happened' usually through alcohol and being in the same bed type arrangement.
This one was a proper 'lets go see a movie'. Now several "dates" have passed and on date number 2 we kissed for the first time. Date number 3 was 2 days ago (the day before new years eve)...
We went and saw phantom of the opera at this crappy little cinema that had about 20 seats.
I think the film would do better on stage.
Anyway.....
Once the film ended at approximately 10:45pm we walked back to my car and then proceeded to talk for a great length of time. probably about 2hours ish.
Whilst talking i had the car engine running because it was cold. This, it turns out, was a rather silly mistake to make.
We had both preivously turned our phones to silent because of the film viewing. Whilst i was talking i was vaguely aware of some kind of vibration noise emminating from the car... i said 'its ounds like a phone' but thne just as i said this it died away. i presumed it was just the car 'making its usual funny noises' type thing.
Turns out it was a phone.
It was her phone.
The talking progressed and OBVIOUSLY i moved in for the kill like the good little 'gder' i am. and we began PASSIONATELY EMBRASSING etc.
The time was now 1:00am ish. My phone went off and i ignored it...as you do. Her phone went off and this time we heard it and she decided to ignore it. This was our last really silly mistake.
Whilst 'mid kiss' some lights came up from behind us on full beam. The car slowed and i looked over to see why....I seem to remember this car from somewhere else....it was a blue picasso......er...i recongise the guy in it too...then to my shock i knew who the guy was in it
Turns out that the missed calls we had not heard or not taken were from her parents worried that wed crashed and died on the way back to her house. The normal time for taking her home was around 12am and as this had 'gone on longer' than normal they had panicked because they dont know me or what im like driving.
She screamed 'shit shit shit shit its my dad shit shit shit shit' etc. then checked her phone.
oh dear
39 missed calls.
i meanwhile slinked back towards my side of the car in full view of her dad who looked like he might actually kill me or just set my car on fire and watch as i burned alive.
i think she has quite protective parents.
However being 'caught' 'all over' someone especailyl when the 'catcher' is the persons father is not the best of ideas.
ANYHOO.....that was embarassment number 1. I went bright red. sat in the car. she went home. and apparently things are 'ok' with her parents. they were just pissed off at her for not bothering to pick up because they worried. she is 20 but hey....i guess theyre 'that kind' of parent.
NOW TIME FOR EMBARASSMENT NUMBER 2 :
We decided to go out to eat lunch/dinner at a rather odd time (3:30pm) the following day and travelled into town. We sat down and had a fantastic meal at Cafe Rougue. I had steak. a whole 12oz of it. it was rather lovely. The restaurant filled up with theatre goers and was pretty much full by the time we had all finished.
Dad passed me the keys and said 'go fetch the car'. Im never one to turn down a bit of illegal uninsured driving so i took the keys and stood up.
Little did i realise that standing up was a bit of a silly idea.
Right above my head was a wall light. with glass lampshades.
my head hit the shade which seemingly smashed on contact with my skull. It sent billions of shards all over me cascading around my shoulders.
the entire restaurant went totally silent as bits of glass went flying everywhere in this massive smashing noise.
Have you ever had 50 pairs of eyes on you thinking 'what a tard'?
its rather tricky to walk away gracefully after you have glass all around you and on you.
Luckily none of the glass cut me which was quite lucky considering how much there was. I went bright red for the second time in 12hours and thought 'i just want to die right now'
I picked up hte keys and walked out with my head held high and everybody in the restaurant following my every step....probably just to see if i managed to trip over and destroy anything else...
EMBARASSMENT 3 :
Whilst driving back i said something along the lines of "everything comes in threes you know dad...i wonder what embarassing event will happen next'
We were sitting at lights at the time with a sad little old man who had been annoying the fk out of us for the past 2minutes along side.
We were in the Porsche.
Lights Green...
GO GO GO
Dad put his foot down and we rocketed from 0-60 in about 5seconds leaving the little old man 4miles behind.
HOWEVER
just as it was about to redline and change in second gear he let go of the gas....the gearbox didnt change down like a normal automatic would (we have a tiptronic box on it)...it stayed in gear.....like a manual would....this was quite odd...then it stayed in gear a bit longer...and longer still....then all of a sudden it dropped two gears and the dashboard turned into a christmas tree.
Traction control turned itself off. The oil light came on. The 'check engine' light started flashing.
we pulled over and killed the engine. tried to restart.....
nothing.
it turns over fine but it refuses to actually 'start'.
So we have a Porsche 911. a rather expensive car....sitting on the side of the road unable to start..broken down....
after pushing it off the road we then wait for the AA to show up (1hour passes). the guy comes along and says that one of the senors on the crankshaft is fux0red and as a result the ECU doesnt know wtf is going on and isnt sending any fuel to the engine so it can start up.....
we couldnt even get to the sensor because the engine is rear mounted and the space to 'fiddle about' with it is rather limited.
We then wait a further 1hr 30minutes for a tow truck thing to come along so it can be put on the back and taken home. (its freezing cold btw)
We turn up at home 3 and a bit hours later with every single neighbour (all of which hate us anyway) peering through their curtains to see what the large lorry with flashing lights is doing..
yes
thats right
its unloading a fkin porsche 911 onto the road
and then it has to be pushed onto the driveway.
i bet ALL of them were laughing their arses off at the whole spectacle.
'bit of a waste of money if it doesnt work' type thing.
so once more another embarassment.
this totals 3. i think the string of bad luck is over. at least i hope it is.
this concludes my 'story telling'
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1 Jan 2005, 15:32
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#2
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Banned
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Further to the right
Posts: 19,441
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
tl;dr
__________________
Some might ask what good is life without purpose but I'm anticipating a good lunch.
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1 Jan 2005, 15:34
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#3
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Gone
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 14,656
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyBGood
tl;dr
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I don't know why this is hilarious, but it is.
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1 Jan 2005, 16:15
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#4
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☆ ♥
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,489
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
it's therefore to be said you should consider cyber sex and cyber dating :)
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R3: LegioN (came #32) || R4: BlueTuba
R5: WolfPack Order || R6: Wolfpack
R7: Fury
----------retired-------
R52-R55: Apprime
R56-R57: FaceLess
R58-60: Apprime/Ultores
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1 Jan 2005, 16:17
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#5
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☆ ♥
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,489
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
your situations aren't that bad - I'd just laugh
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R3: LegioN (came #32) || R4: BlueTuba
R5: WolfPack Order || R6: Wolfpack
R7: Fury
----------retired-------
R52-R55: Apprime
R56-R57: FaceLess
R58-60: Apprime/Ultores
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1 Jan 2005, 20:55
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#6
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,635
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
I quite enjoyed that.
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1 Jan 2005, 21:06
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#7
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________
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Somwhere I belong
Posts: 4,474
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Your story cheered me up JJ. Thanks.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by blink 182
Breathing deeply, walking backwards,
finding strength to call and ask her
Roller coaster favorite ride,
let me kiss you one last time.
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1 Jan 2005, 21:16
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#8
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TashTastic
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 1,354
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Its not that bad JJ. Good read though
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Its only gay if you enjoy it!
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1 Jan 2005, 21:24
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#9
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I'm great!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Leeds
Posts: 388
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
How come nobody here can spell 'embarrassing' properly?
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If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'da been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?!
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1 Jan 2005, 21:26
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#10
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,635
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Because you forgot to inform us!
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1 Jan 2005, 21:27
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#11
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I'm great!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Leeds
Posts: 388
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
There ya go :-)
__________________
If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'da been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?!
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1 Jan 2005, 21:30
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#12
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I'm great!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Leeds
Posts: 388
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavius
fine fixed!
happy now ?
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Ecstatic
__________________
If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'da been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?!
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1 Jan 2005, 21:34
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#13
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,635
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Quote:
Originally Posted by HAL-9000
Ecstatic
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1 Jan 2005, 21:51
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#14
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I'm great!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Leeds
Posts: 388
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavius
only 6995 years till you become mainstream, how does it feel?
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Well at the moment I'm confused. Does that count?
__________________
If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'da been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?!
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1 Jan 2005, 21:54
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#15
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I'm great!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Leeds
Posts: 388
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavius
confusion is more of a state of mind than a feeling.
unless you're feeling confused that is
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I'm feeling hungry. Oh and just worked out what you meant (I'm a little slow off the mark today). Not sure the 9000 in mah name is anything to do with date of mainstream....ness...?
__________________
If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'da been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?!
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1 Jan 2005, 22:00
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#16
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I'm great!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Leeds
Posts: 388
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavius
you know
like windows 2000, and the tons of Commerce2k shops that opened around the year 2000, who were stupid enough not to consider the future
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Well this is me considering the future. Is it working? Would you buy me?
__________________
If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'da been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?!
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1 Jan 2005, 23:52
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#17
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Banned
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,442
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
I never realised how ****ing dull you were till now JJ.
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1 Jan 2005, 23:54
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#18
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavius
you know
like windows 2000, and the tons of Commerce2k shops that opened around the year 2000, who were stupid enough not to consider the future
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HAL-9000 is 4 years out of date, you square.
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2 Jan 2005, 03:55
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#19
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home wrecker
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: The other side of the galaxy ;)
Posts: 1,041
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Poor JJ
ammusing story though
also, hope the whole thing with the ex clears itself up, and it's not the sister who's the new hot bit of stuff is it?
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May the Farce be with you...
#pr0nstars - a pimp is for life, not just for christmas
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2 Jan 2005, 04:46
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#20
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This is bat country
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Norway
Posts: 1,693
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Porsche 911's are both cheap and crap. get a decent sports car
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Burárum!
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3 Jan 2005, 16:27
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#21
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________
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Somwhere I belong
Posts: 4,474
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Quote:
Originally Posted by I am Idler
Porsche 911's are both cheap and crap. get a decent sports car
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Said by the man who claims he owns a Nissan Skyline.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by blink 182
Breathing deeply, walking backwards,
finding strength to call and ask her
Roller coaster favorite ride,
let me kiss you one last time.
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3 Jan 2005, 16:42
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#22
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☆ ♥
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,489
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blastoderm
Said by the man who claims he owns a Nissan Skyline.
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My uncle works with one of the dudes that has one of Europe's fastest Skyline GT-R's
Evo 8's are equally as fast though and have (as default) a higher acceleration iirc.
__________________
R3: LegioN (came #32) || R4: BlueTuba
R5: WolfPack Order || R6: Wolfpack
R7: Fury
----------retired-------
R52-R55: Apprime
R56-R57: FaceLess
R58-60: Apprime/Ultores
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3 Jan 2005, 20:41
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#23
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Godfather
Join Date: May 2000
Location: England
Posts: 5,185
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Re: JammyJims Series of Unfortunate Events
Quote:
Originally Posted by I am Idler
Porsche 911's are both cheap and crap. get a decent sports car
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and that would be what?
name a car for the same price thats better
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Mail : [email protected] // IRC : #forums
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