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I am an idiot
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,145
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Goodbye, I'm leaving
Well, it's a sad day for me but I have to leave Planetarion for several reasons, such as work. I will miss you guys and there are a few people I would like to mention specifically, but you all meant so much to me these last 3 and a half years I cannot mention you all. This is a long post but please read on.
BRITAIN’s national rail enquiries operation is being moved to India to save money.
Calls will be redirected to operators in three Indian cities.
A pilot scheme is already under way. This column decided to put it to the test.
Thankyou for calling British Rail enquiries. You are being held in a queue.
Your business is important to us. If you have a touch tone phone, please press the star button now.
Hello?
For InterCity services, press 1. For local services, press 2. For all other enquiries, press 3.
Hello?
Thankyou for pressing 3. All our operators are busy assisting other passengers. Please hold.
Hello? Is that British Rail enquiries?
No mate, this is Mumbai Minicabs. You want my brother.
Can you transfer me?
Sorry, I’m POB at the moment. Try ringing back in ten minutes.
(Brrring, brrring.)
Thankyou for calling British Rail enquiries. You are being held in a ...
Yeah, yeah.
Your business is important to us. For 200mph, luxury tilting trains, please press 1 and wait for ten years. For 50-year-old, clapped out slam-door cattle trucks, please replace your receiver and ring Network South East. To be transferred to someone who barely speaks English, press 3.
Hello?
Train enquiries, Mahatma speaking.
At last. I’d like to go from London to Glasgow tomorrow morning, please. Can you give me some details?
Oh, yes indeed. Finchley Central is two and sixpence from Golders Green on the Northern Line.
No, London to GLASGOW. How do I get there?
So sorry. It goes from St Louis down to Missouri, Oklahoma City looks oh so pretty, you’ll see Amarillo, Gallup, New Mexico, Flagstaff, Arizona, don’t forget Winona, Kingman, Barstow, San Bernardino.
LONDON to GLASGOW!
Oh, you want the last train to Clarksville?
Not Clarksville, GLASGOW!
Sorry, there must be leaves on the line. I’ll hand you over to a supervisor.
Hello?
Thankyou for calling British Rail enquiries. All our operators are on strike at the moment. Please wait while you are transferred to Calcutta.
Hello?
If you have a hash button, please press it now. If you want to wait three hours on a rain-lashed platform for a train that never comes, press 1.
If you want to pay a week’s wages for a first-class ticket, only to be kicked off at Watford and put on a replacement bus service which gets stuck in roadworks outside Milton Keynes, press 2.
To remain holding, press 3, and your call will be answered when one of our assistants stops talking about the legover on Big Brother last night and bothers to pick up the phone.
If you’d rather speak to someone who doesn’t know the difference between Peterhead and Peterborough and for whom English is a second language, press 4.
Hello?
Vijay speaking, how can I help you?
Thank heavens, I’ve been waiting for ages.
So sorry, but my chef is off sick today and I’m doing my best. Are you the Madras chicken, pilau rice and double keema naan for Acacia Avenue?
No, London to GLASGOW.
Oh, I am so sorry, sir. But we don’t deliver that far, only within a five-mile radius of Southall. Why don’t you ring my cousin at Raj’s Revenge in Sauchiehall Street?
(Click. Redial button.)
Oh, it’s you again. If you are having a panic attack, press 1. If you are suffering from stress, press 2. If you are suffering from heat exhaustion, press 3.
If you want trauma counselling, press 4. If you want to get anywhere by train, on time, replace your handset and move to India.
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Re: Goodbye, I'm leaving
Comming to London on Dec 20th 
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