Planetarion Forums - Tell us a story where you come off like an asshole

Deffeh · 3 Jul 2006, 23:18

People like comedy, but they also like humility, and self deprecation. We've all done ****ing stupid things in our times that have been either cruel, embarrassing, immoral etc. Im sure there are plenty of stories everyone has that will cheer everyone up with their inane patheticness, deviousness, etc etc.

Try and make it something people havent heard before or you havent fully explained before, if possible. Also MM, we know you come in, not off assholes, and yahwe, we know you're perfect in every way, so these comedy replies are no longer needed.

My Story

As you probably all know by now, i pee in a bin. Yeah, its great. I dont have to go to the toilet and i pour it out of the window.

Anyway, i do this because im sometimes too scared to leave my room

It was much worse for various reasons in my flat in stirling than it is now, but thats besides the story.

I was unable to leave the room, so i decided to pee in a bottle again, as i do most of the time. I pulled my trousers and pants down around my ankles, sat on my chair (laziness), and peed. Unfortunately this was a long pee

I thought id probably make it, but nearing the end of the lucozade bottle, it was quite obvious i wasnt going to

There was no way i was going to be able to stop in midstream, or indeed pee anywhere else productive and not messy, and i couldnt leave my room and i had about a second, and i had no choice.

I put the bottle on the table, and peed all over my trousers and pants which were at my ankles. I was horrified at first, then just thought, **** it, i'm ****ed anyway and let whizz. It was very liberating

I finished up, stepped out of my clothes and stood back and reflected.

On reflection it was a pretty good move. I didnt get any pee at all on the floor, it didnt soak through, and pee on the floor would have been much worse. I chucked my clothes in the washing bag, changed my clothes, ran out the front door dumping my washing in the dryer on the floor below (communal flats etc) and ran out and slept at my mates flat for a couple of days. No, i didnt shower

In conclusion it wasnt a proud day but apart from the stigma nothing really bad happened and no one saw and no one found out oh wait

Ste · 3 Jul 2006, 23:44

my life?

Tomkat · 3 Jul 2006, 23:59

You didn't really come off as an asshole in that story.

I've thought of one for me.

My Story

It was the weekend of my 20th birthday. I was in my 2nd year at Exeter University, and loving it. It was January.

While at school, before university, my main "good" group of friends consisted of four of us. There was myself, Peter, Andreas and Ollie. Peter and Andreas were the sporty ones. Ollie and myself were relatively geeky. Peter and myself were the ones who generally got on better with girls, and Andreas and Ollie were quite shy.

That's just the scene setting.

Andreas was already at Exeter uni with me (by fluke).

Peter had come down to visit me for my birthday.

During the summer before my birthday I was kind-of-seeing this girl called Jo, while Peter was going out with this girl called Katie. My relationship with Jo was very much casual - I didn't want a girlfriend, and told her this from the beginning. Peter was more serious - he called Katie his girlfriend.

Now Katie went to Exeter. Unfortunately her and Peter split up in October, after he had visited a few times and they realised it "wasn't going to work".

In the Christmas before my birthday Peter had seen Katie a few times. We didn't really approve - I thought she was a bit of a knob and leading him along, and the others just found her a bit irritating.

Peter was hoping to get back with Katie.

When he came down to visit in January we all knew deep inside he wasn't just coming down to see me - he was hoping to see her and maybe get back together with her.

Anyway. It's my birthday night. I'm pretty drunk.

We make it to the student nightclub (the Lemmy). More drinks are flowing.

I see Katie in the dancefloor - she throws her arms around me and wishes me Happy Birthday. I sway a bit and she catches me.

Then we're kissing.

I realise who I'm kissing and open my eyes. I pull away slowly.

I see Peter standing right behind her with two drinks. Staring at me with fury in his eyes.

I mouth a few words. He turns away and wanders off.

I go back to snogging Katie.

We eventually leave the club.

Andreas rings me and has a big go at me down the phone. I didn't answer though - my friend Aaron did.

Aaron can't "see the problem". Aaron thinks Peter needs to "get over it".

I'm not in any state to talk. I think I agreed with Aaron at the time, as he didn't think I was a nasty person.

Needless to say Peter wasn't too impressed. He left early the next day.

It took me quite a few drinks and quite a few apologies to redeem myself there.

The worst part of it?

Katie and I ended up shagging casually for the next 3-4 months, including time spent in Jersey when Peter STILL was trying to win her back.

What a bastard

Cannon_Fodder · 4 Jul 2006, 00:21

tomkat, this is a deffeh thread, not a pig thread

JammyJim · 4 Jul 2006, 00:46

that wasnt an asshole story deffeh

that was a 'i have serious issues' story.

and by serious issues i mean 'someone call doctor phil' serious.

dda · 4 Jul 2006, 00:59

When I was nineteen two of my friends and I decided that we wanted to see the glories that are the Yosemite Valley, one of the most beautiful places on earth.

We decided that we would go and spend three or four days camping out and poking around looking at waterfalls and such.

Now only one of my friends had any remote idea about camping but we were undaunted.

We drove from Stockton to Yosemite after one of my friends got off work. It was about a two-three hour trip. We arrived after dark, found a camp site and just spread our sleeping bags on the ground and went to sleep.

The next day we wandered around and came back to our camp site later in the afternoon. We set up a tent (well one of my friends did, I was useless). We congratulated ourselves on being such intrepid outdoorsmen and decided that we should celebrate with a beer. We had taken the precaution of bringing a couple cases of the cheapest beers available (all of us were without any substantial means).

What we didn't know was that in the summer in the Sierra Nevadas it is not uncommon for there to be late afternoon thunder storms which rain heavily but briefly and then break up quickly. So, when it came a rather heavy down pour we looked at the ground which we were sure would turn to complete mud in a matter of moments. We thought about having to sleep in the mud (our tent was very small).

There seemed only one reasonable course of action and that was to get as drunk as possible so that we wouldn't care if we were sleeping in the mud. So we set sail on the beer. Somewhere around the 10th or 11th beer we noticed that it had stopped raining long ago and the ground was quite dry.

We also noticed that there was a large tent near ours which held 8-10 young men about our age and there were two young women who were hanging around them. These young gentlemen were also drinking and trying to ply the young women with alcohol so as to loosen their morals if possible. However, these chaps had not had the forsight to bring large enough quantities of alcohol with them so they struck up a conversation with us.

We were invited to join their party and they would buy a six-pack from us. We agreed. Soon all of our beer was gone as well and it was now midnightish. One from the other group suggested that we go down to the camp store and try to purchase more alcohol and said my friend should drive. My friend said he couldn't drive so one of the others offered to drive and the other group vouched for what a good driver he was so he drove.

We wove though trees and other camp sites for several miles until we got to the camp store which had closed like at 6:00 p. m. None of us geniuses had thought about the fact that they would close up quite early. So back we drove through trees and camp sites back to our original spot.

The driver then got out and looked around, piroueted and fell flat on his face completely passed out. We became aware that our designated driver lacked something to be desired.

By now it was probably around 1-2 a. m. and others all around us were trying to sleep. However, we were all hooting, hollering and running around after the girls who faked concern but were giggeling through their screams. At one point, I was so drunk that I ran across the grounds toward the bathrooms leaped in the air and screamed completely forgetting that gravity would force me to revisit earth. I landed, badly jamming my left knee and lay on the ground laughing for quite awhile.

An hour or so later things subsided and we all went to sleep.

The next morning we awoke. I had a bit of a hang under (head was fine but my intestines were not). I also could barely walk my knee was so swollen.

People all around us were pulling up their tent stakes, preparing to depart.

In as much as we had run through our entire ration of beer we decided that there wasn't much point in staying and that we would roam (in my case limp) around for the day and return home that evening. So we began to pull up our tent stakes and break camp.

All of the people who were around us stopped what they were doing and watched for a few minutes until they were sure of what we were doing. They then began to drive their tent stakes back into the ground.

Apparently they hadn't found us as amusing as we did.

Deffeh · 4 Jul 2006, 01:05

Please everyone, take note of dda's excellent story when you are considering how to reply to a thread.

JonnyBGood · 4 Jul 2006, 09:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by dda

We drove from Stockton to Yosemite after one of my friends got off work.

I didn't know they had cars in 1856

Ste · 4 Jul 2006, 13:41

I'm trying desperately to think of a decent relevant story but they all seem to fall into two catagories:

1. Me saying one of the following "Don't worry, if you sleep in my bed I promise I won't try anything on", "No I don't have a girlfriend", "Actually I have a girlfriend", "I really like you", "Yeh we'll meet up again" etc

2. (sometimes 1. falls into this one as well) I feel like I'm an asshole but I manage to wangle my way out of it so in actual fact I'm still all liked and only I realise what a wanker I've been.

We've already had the "I slept with someone my friend fancied/went out with/ was related to" story that TK said, and mine would be not as well told...

The fact that I'll get drunk and try it on with anything that moves contributes to the above two catagories too.

Here's a small drunken 13 yr old story just so I can add something:

Ok, probably the first (and last

) big party I was invited to that my parents let me go to. Probably didn't realise the amount of alcohol that was going to be there. My dad gave me a couple of beers to take, I also filled an empty water bottle up with random spirits in his alcohol cabinet, and then went to my mums and filled the rest up there. It was a brutal cocktail... Tasted not too bad though.
On top of that I had bought some Hooch (lol) and a 2 litre bottle of White Lightning. I think there was quite a lot more as well... Anyway... With everything drank except the cider my memory starts to fail. I think my body probably did too.
I remember opening the bottle and taking a few swigs... then there are a few memory patches for the rest of the night.
I remember throwing up over a chest of drawers (which I later found out were made of wicker, you can imagine the mess

) I remember being chucked out by his mum and being sick on the doorstep, I remember being sat down with his mum's massive black boyfriend who was ordered to force feed me cups of tea until i sobered up. And then I woke up the next morning in my bed, covered in more sick, stinking of white cider (which wouldn't go for days), and being told my dad had been worried I was going to die during the night

Then at school some of the blanks got filled in and some people were not happy in the slightest

(I still can't remember what I did... But apparently it involved someones girlfriend)

EDIT for milo - the story was that I'd licked some girls back, tried it on constantly with another, got thrown across the room by another and generally just acted like a dick.

milo · 4 Jul 2006, 13:54

ste go fcking find out what happened in those 'blanks' then come back an finish the story

<3

pig · 4 Jul 2006, 21:51

Well this is actually mega embarrasng and I'm not too sure why I am telling you lot. It combines the best of both worlds. Sex and humiliation.

I remember the day well, it was hot. Very hot. England were playing Australia in the Ashes at trent bridge (this happened last summer) I had tickets for the Saturday and Sunday.

I happened to be entertaining one of my friends in Birmingham on the Thursday and Friday. She was one of my uni friends ex and for some reason we had become quite close. Not in a sexual way (as I just wouldn't pull a Tomkat) but in a friendship way.

She wanted to stay in Birmingham for the weekend, I explained I was off to Nottingham to watch the cricket and that she was more than welcome to stay at my friends house if she wished. She told me how her cousin lived in Nottingam. After a phone call she confirmed she could stay at hers. So we agreed we were off to Nottingham.

On the train ride there I was joking around about her cousin. "Is she good looking etc" "Does she have a boyfriend" and she promised me I wouldnt do anything unless I asked her. I just told her I wouldnt do anything.

Anyway we arrived in Nottingham and I met her cousin. Wow what a stunner. She seriously was a stunner. About 5ft 8, nice long black hair, beautiful eyes and indian. It was a long time since I had slept with an indian. You must remember that 2005 was a year of me ****ing around with women so much that I'm sure I must have got someone pregnant.

We agreed we would meet at market square at 8 and we would all go for drinks. Fantastic I thought. I dressed up smart/casual and headed down to market square. I looked quite good if I dont say so myself. But once again the two cousins looked stunning. Although the one I had my eye on was gorgeous.

Now we all know im not the best looking guy however I have the gift of the gabb. This gives me roughly 2 hours to chat her up/flirt with her. We will then hit a loud bar where you cant really speak and finally a club. In those 2 hours I was on form and by the time we got to the club she was holding my hand and we were dancing.

Its creeping close to 2am. Im very very drunk. I realise that I need to go to the toilet and most likely throw up. So I say im off to the toilet (as its a big place I figure I can throw up, throw some extra in my mouth and pretend as though nothing happened) I get to the toilet.

Im now leaning over the toilet in the position you stand when you are about to throw up.

I dont need to throw up.

I need to shit.

Too late.

Ive done it in my pants.

so I turn round, pull down my jeans and thank **** the shit is still in my boxers. I kind of hop out of my boxers and throw them behind the toilet, I then finish up my shit. I sit down and start cleaning my arse up. Then this guy walks in.

There wasnt actually a lock on the door, I didnt realise that. So all he sees is me sat there naked bottom down and a pair of shit filled boxers.

I kind of managed to clean myself up but I stank of shit. So I marched out of the toilets. I see this girl (ruby) standing there she asks me whats wrong as I had a look of panic on my face. I tell her that I have to go and see my friend as he has some trouble with his neighbours. I told her id meet her in a place called Sinoretas (strip club in Nottingham) her and her coursin could meet me there.

So I dashed out of there. Flagged down a taxi. Jumped in the taxi got back to my friends house, ripped my clothes off and put them in the wash. Jumped in the shower, clothes back on. 5 minutes later im sitting with my arm around her in Sinoretas.

2 hours later I "made love" to her for about 10 minutes.

Then I went to sleep.

Tomkat · 4 Jul 2006, 23:51

I'm not sure what's more incredulous, the fact you managed to shag a girl after shitting yourself 2 hours before, or the fact you managed to shag a girl after meeting in a stripclub.

s|k · 4 Jul 2006, 23:51

One time I went to a forum and made a thread...

pig · 4 Jul 2006, 23:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tomkat

I'm not sure what's more incredulous, the fact you managed to shag a girl after shitting yourself 2 hours before, or the fact you managed to shag a girl after meeting in a stripclub.

We didnt meet in a stripclub. I just shagged her after the stripclub. Why a stripclub you might ask? Well they have a liscence until 5am and it gets the femals very horny.

At least she didnt want to put her finger up my arse!

pig · 5 Jul 2006, 02:23

Seeing as people arent posting ill post another story.

2 years ago my house was 4 storeys high. Typical student digs. Cheap, dirty but I loved it. I lived on the top floor on this floor there was just the two of us. Then two below etc etc. However this house was shit because it didnt have sinks in the bedrooms. The closest toilet was the ground floor.

So when me and the other guy who lived on the top floor used to get drunk it was very difficult to stumble down the stairs to piss. So what we would do is piss in the 2l water bottles. Generally this became the norm and infact I never really thought anything much about it.

However one day I had ran out of bottles.

I had no cans, nothing which I could piss in. I really really couldnt be bothered to go downstairs. I was very tired, drunk and just wanted to piss then pass out.

But then I saw the light.

Rather I saw a jiffy padded envelope (those big envelopes with bubble wrap inside).

I thought perfect, waterproof, can probably hold a fair bit and I can then just throw it out of the window.

So I went to the toilet in the envelope and threw it out of the window. Next day I was sitting in the kitchen retelling the story to my housemates. Being a house full of men thats the kind of thing they like to hear. Everyone was cracking up.

I shit you not my girlfriend walks in just as im finishing off the story and everyone is laughing. She enquires about what we are laughing and we shrug it off by saying bloke stuff, nothing for her ears. Content in the knowledge we arent laughing at her she sits on my lap.

She then goes

"Oh I have a something for you"

She hands me this envelope from her handbag

"I found it outside, it had your name on it so I picked it up for you incase its important."

The look on my face must of been of horror, I threw the envelope in the bin but all that I could hear were my friends pissing themselves and her going

"What? Whats so funny about me picking that up? It could have been important."

She still doesnt know to this day (incidentally we are no longer dating.)

jt25man · 5 Jul 2006, 08:29

Now that's a good story.

I'd tell a story about being an ass, but since I'm a non-drinker, it would pale in comparison to anything most of you guys would come up with.

Tomkat · 5 Jul 2006, 11:56

Yeah that second story was awesome pig

xtrasyn · 5 Jul 2006, 12:29

I have felt like an asshole so often that I can´t imagine where to start...

I´ve been cruel to man and animal at around 16, I have made my fosterparents cry when I was 17, I have lost friends because of a cocaine addiction when I was 18, I have scammed people at 19-21, I have stolen, be it once; I have broken laws, I have, and been, betrayed.

All I cling on to is that I used to be ´damaged goods´. And now I try to balance the equation with all effort I can. I am 31 now and I hope I am doing well, and the funny thing is that though it is part of my life, it seems like it was someone else. So radical is the change.

So a story about where I come off as an asshole... Many. But they aren´t funny like pig´s.

Tomkat · 5 Jul 2006, 14:35

That's probably because pig isn't an asshole normally

JonnyBGood · 5 Jul 2006, 14:49

Am I the only one who usually hears the really bad drunken stories about himself second-hand?

Deffeh · 5 Jul 2006, 14:57

Not neccesarily JBG. Though usually its only with reflection i realise what i was doing wasnt decent normal or civil.

Dante Hicks · 5 Jul 2006, 14:57

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonnyBGood

Am I the only one who usually hears the really bad drunken stories about himself second-hand?

No.

In fact, most of the time I wake up the next day completely unaware that I've done anything wrong at all.

xtrasyn · 5 Jul 2006, 17:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tomkat

That's probably because pig isn't an asshole normally

If you think you can tell someone is an asshole normally, just by reading deranged ramblings on a not-to-be-taken-serious internet forum... Good luck then.

There's only somuch you really know for sure, if you don't know someone closely.

Tomkat · 5 Jul 2006, 17:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by xtrasyn

If you think you can tell someone is an asshole normally, just by reading deranged ramblings on a not-to-be-taken-serious internet forum... Good luck then.

I've met pig on 3-4 separate occasions, including him coming to visit me in hospital when he wasn't even really in the area.

But nice sarcastic post. Never mind!