Planetarion Forums - A Tongue in cheek Look at French Military Prowess.

Judge · 27 Mar 2003, 17:27

President Bush and Secretary Rumsfeld may be upset that the French are not "assisting" us in this fight, but out here at the tip of the spear, there is nothing but jubilation at their absence. Last thing we need is to be carrying the French on our shoulders.

A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:

1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.

8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.

13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not the last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in the French bloodline.

15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...

16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to see how the second string will play) - Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.

17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.

18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria.

The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the French are not helping us!

MrL_JaKiri · 27 Mar 2003, 17:30

We need someone to create a memory enhancing or memory erasing device.

If we had an MEnhan device, then we could make people remember when it had been posted before.

If we had a MEras device, then everyone could forget that it had and discover its wonders anew.

Judge · 27 Mar 2003, 17:32

Quote:

Originally posted by MrL_JaKiri
We need someone to create a memory enhancing or memory erasing device.

If we had an MEnhan device, then we could make people remember when it had been posted before.

If we had a MEras device, then everyone could forget that it had and discover its wonders anew.

Indeed they could, but I do not recall seeing it before, I came across this whilst undertaking a Google search for French military History.

Strange how the only sites I can find either make fun at the French, or are indications to the contrary?

27 Mar 2003, 17:35

Quote:

Originally posted by MrL_JaKiri
We need someone to create a memory enhancing or memory erasing device.

If we had an MEnhan device, then we could make people remember when it had been posted before.

If we had a MEras device, then everyone could forget that it had and discover its wonders anew.

Fortunatley, for the benefit of those of us who do no spend every hour of our lives on the internet and found Judge's post funny and original, no such devices exist.

Sub · 27 Mar 2003, 17:40

It's always amusing to see people like Judge being swain by American propaganda.

Marilyn Manson · 27 Mar 2003, 17:42

Quote:

Originally posted by Sub
It's always amusing to see people like Judge being swain by American propaganda.

I just find Judge amusing full stop.

Ap0k · 27 Mar 2003, 17:45

Quote:

Originally posted by Judge
<snip>

so.. umm.. what are you trying to prove again...?

Vermillion · 27 Mar 2003, 17:48

Quote:

Originally posted by Judge

Strange how the only sites I can find either make fun at the French, or are indications to the contrary?

Perhaps the lesson to be learned here is; do not use the Internet as a scholarly resource.

Judge · 27 Mar 2003, 17:53

Quote:

Originally posted by Vermillion
Perhaps the lesson to be learned here is; do not use the Internet as a scholarly resource.

Perhaps, but even a search of the book sites yielded very little.

Ap0k · 27 Mar 2003, 18:00

Quote:

Originally posted by Judge
Perhaps, but even a search of the book sites yielded very little.

tunnelvision.com might yield some results.

oh wait...

you've been there...

Vermillion · 27 Mar 2003, 18:04

Quote:

Originally posted by Judge
Perhaps, but even a search of the book sites yielded very little.

Really?

Books on French military history, even if you restrict yourself to English language, are available by the millions. Any dcenet public library will give you more to read than you can in a year, to say nothing of academic libraries.

My personal library has... hard to estimate, certainly over a hundred on that specific topic. If you like, and in particular are looking for information o any specific aspect, i would be more than pleased to list you an assortment of books you might want to read, and each one would provide you with a wealth more information than any "make fun of France" site found on Google.

Deffeh · 27 Mar 2003, 18:17

If you feel so strongly about pathetic, propaganda portraying a nation in an unattractive light, look up "american friendly fire incidents" then, eh?

Not that i like glorifying either. I just think ****s like you should open their eyes.

Vermillion · 27 Mar 2003, 18:20

Quote:

Originally posted by Deffeh
If you feel so strongly about pathetic, propaganda portraying a nation in an unattractive light, look up "american friendly fire incidents" then, eh?

Not that i like glorifying either. I just think ****s like you should open their eyes.

I have to apologise, I am unable to determine who you are talking to or what you are talking about with this post.

Muslim · 27 Mar 2003, 18:21

thye won the crimean war
what about that?

Dante Hicks · 27 Mar 2003, 18:22

The way Google generates it's "ranking" type system means that (at the moment especially) searching for anything about the French military (in English) will yeild numerous "hilarious" links like this.

Besides, what is people's fascination with the military. Unless you are directly in the military yourself (as some sort of grand strategic planner) I don't see why you should feel any pride in their actions.

"So what did you during the war daddy?"

"I posted stupid links on an internet forum insulting another country, while simultaneously cheering our boys on when it was on the telly."

"So fk all then?"

Judge · 27 Mar 2003, 18:27

Quote:

Originally posted by Woof
French Military Victories

Yes I found that as well.

This page is not available.

Google offered up a host of sites in regard to Napoleon, and the Hundred Years war etc....... but not a lot in regard to current information.

And no I did not put in "lets make fun of the french" as a search

I tired "French Military" & "French Military History" and the Foriegn Legion, which did yeild some interesting information.

But not a lot came to light in regard to the Current French Military, it's composition or it's strengths?

Deffeh · 27 Mar 2003, 18:34

Quote:

Originally posted by Vermillion
I have to apologise, I am unable to determine who you are talking to or what you are talking about with this post.

judge
and his one-sided DF3esque pov

Vermillion · 27 Mar 2003, 18:38

Quote:

Originally posted by Vermillion
Perhaps the lesson to be learned here is; do not use the Internet as a scholarly resource.

Gayle29uk · 27 Mar 2003, 18:41

Quote:

Originally posted by Vermillion
Perhaps the lesson to be learned here is; do not use the Internet as a scholarly resource.

I disagree; the internet is almost without doubt the world's greatest scholarly resource, it just needs approaching with a good set of filters

Dante Hicks · 27 Mar 2003, 18:44

The internet is fine for some research, it's just bad at other types.

France is a poor candidate for Googling since :
1. Generally, we (i.e. people on this forum) can't speak French. And unlike other nations, perhaps French sites don't offer English translations are readily. Googling in the wrong language is always trouble.

2. There are a huge amount of "junk" entries for France, as mentioned.

3. French uptake of Internet usage has been lower than elsewhere (partially because of minitel). At one point third world South Africa had more registered domains (i.e. - co.za) than France. I'm sure that isn't true now though, but still affects the geography of the web.

Cynical Oracle · 27 Mar 2003, 18:44

Quote:

Originally posted by Gayle29uk
I disagree; the internet is almost without doubt the world's greatest scholarly resource, it just needs approaching with a good set of filters

Would you not need to be a scholar to pick out the facts ?

Vermillion · 27 Mar 2003, 18:46

Quote:

Originally posted by Gayle29uk
I disagree; the internet is almost without doubt the world's greatest scholarly resource, it just needs approaching with a good set of filters

The problem is that there is no editorial review of anything on the Internet. Anyone can post anything no matter how utterly wrong or absurd it is. Pages of lies show up in a serch as frequently as pages of fact. People doing research on the web have no idea about the veracity of what they are quoting.

One of my good frinds is a teacher, and when she asked her 8th graders to report the second world war, one kid innocently handed in a well written paper denying the holocaust ever happened, saying it was a plot to invoke pity for the world jewish zionist hatemonger conspiracy.

The kid had no idea he was quoting the worst form of lies, he just 'looked it up on the web', and thats what he found.

That, and the fact that 90% of the Internet is porn.

Dante Hicks · 27 Mar 2003, 18:56

Quote:

Originally posted by Cynical Oracle
Would you not need to be a scholar to pick out the facts ?

Yes, because upon receiving your diploma, all scholars are given a pair of truth glasses...

Research on the internet works exactly as it would in "real-life". If you read something you weigh up the level of respect you have for the source versus the extraordinariness of the claim. If I read over on Zmag.org that the fine print of the latest free-trade agreements outlaw black people or somesuch it takes me two seconds to check the Economist's site to see if they mention anything.

Yes, you don't indiscriminately Google for sources (although Google does weigh things up democratically, so the first page of a search for "Holocaust" contains nothing by NAZIs for instance), in the same way that you don't go reading any old newspaper.

Judge · 27 Mar 2003, 18:58

Quote:

Originally posted by Vermillion

Yes u said it before, it does not detract from the fact, that as a resource, it is quite handy, often wrong, but handy.

Your fortunate to have a couple of hundred books on French History, the only one I have is (was the wife's) The Hundred Years War, not a lot of use in the current context.

I dont have a lot of interest in The French per se, my annoyance at them is wholly to do with their current attitude to the situation in Iraq, and the political mess they contributed to on the run up to it.

I have neither the time or the interest in the French, to spend money on the subject, so buying books is out of the question.

SPQR · 27 Mar 2003, 19:03

Quote:

Originally posted by WorkMonkey
Norman Invasion - Won. 7,000 strong force conqueors england in one battle.

The Normans were actually Vikings and not really french afaik.

Quote:

First Crusade - Won . Uncharted number of French successfully capture Jerusalem.

Ofc, they had the help of the rest of europe tho.

wu_trax · 27 Mar 2003, 19:07

Quote:

Originally posted by Judge
5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

i always thoguuht they helped us against these evil, catholic scumbags in the south (for political, not for religious reasons obviously) ?

Cynical Oracle · 27 Mar 2003, 19:12

Quote:

Originally posted by Dante Hicks
Yes, because upon receiving your diploma, all scholars are given a pair of truth glasses...

Research on the internet works exactly as it would in "real-life". If you read something you weigh up the level of respect you have for the source versus the extraordinariness of the claim. If I read over on Zmag.org that the fine print of the latest free-trade agreements outlaw black people or somesuch it takes me two seconds to check the Economist's site to see if they mention anything.

Yes, you don't indiscriminately Google for sources (although Google does weigh things up democratically, so the first page of a search for "Holocaust" contains nothing by NAZIs for instance), in the same way that you don't go reading any old newspaper.

www.cnn.com reliable source?

My point was merly that one can't point out facts and non facts unless you have an idea of what the truth is. You would need facts to know what to filter out from the internet.

Emperorn · 27 Mar 2003, 19:20

Quote:

Originally posted by wu_trax
i always thoguuht they helped us against these evil, catholic scumbags in the south (for political, not for religious reasons obviously) ?

They did.

That quote is total BS, France that was the decisive player in the outcome of that war.

Marilyn Manson · 27 Mar 2003, 19:31

Absolutely; France's involvement with it's contributions via military and financial aid was instrumental in defeating The Hapsburgs and ending the conflict.

Dante Hicks · 27 Mar 2003, 19:43

Quote:

Originally posted by Cynical Oracle
My point was merly that one can't point out facts and non facts unless you have an idea of what the truth is. You would need facts to know what to filter out from the internet.

You need to know some facts, but by and large it's about having people to trust (up until a point) and having some common sense/healthy skepticism.

Presuming you need to have an encyclopaedic knowledge to be able to research it would be a bit, erm...wrong. Otherwise how could you start researching to be a scholar? Being able to spot a crap argument or a logical fallacy is infinitely more useful when researching than anything else.

If I read an article from CNN.com I'll presume it's formally true, since I have no way of verifying anything they say. CNN would very rarely make something up, but they will generally report on what the military say (and the military have no problem lying if they think it'll help their side, that's their job). You just gotta read carefully. Sometimes, you need to check a fact or so. That's what Google or the CIA World Book or whatever is there for.

Anaximander · 28 Mar 2003, 01:02

Another leftist-hippie-antiwar site. And pro France

http://www.therussiajournal.com/inde...9101&obj=35220

Radical Edward · 28 Mar 2003, 10:10

Quote:

Originally posted by Judge
I dont have a lot of interest in The French per se, my annoyance at them is wholly to do with their current attitude to the situation in Iraq, and the political mess they contributed to on the run up to it.

this is an extraordinarily bad, biased and unbalanced viewpoint to take.

Judge · 28 Mar 2003, 11:11

Quote:

Originally posted by Radical Edward
this is an extraordinarily bad, biased and unbalanced viewpoint to take.

Thankyou.

Mong · 28 Mar 2003, 11:25

Quote:

Originally posted by Judge
Indeed they could, but I do not recall seeing it before, I came across this whilst undertaking a Google search for French military History.

Why did you not, therefore, list your source(s)? Instead, you attempted to take credit yourself, which is a Bad Thing.

M.

Mong · 28 Mar 2003, 11:28

Quote:

Originally posted by Marilyn Manson
Absolutely; France's involvement with it's contributions via military and financial aid was instrumental in defeating The Hapsburgs and ending the conflict.

The Hapsburgs were just amusing, especially Maximillon. But he died after building the only castle native to the americas. Dumbass.

M.

Ste · 28 Mar 2003, 11:36

well... I thought it was funny. And i'm not anti-french.

Judge · 28 Mar 2003, 11:38

Quote:

Originally posted by Mong
Why did you not, therefore, list your source(s)? Instead, you attempted to take credit yourself, which is a Bad Thing.

M.

I did not attempt to take credit for it.

menth0l · 28 Mar 2003, 11:49

Quote:

Originally posted by Judge
I did not attempt to take credit for it.

Posting something that you see as amusing and fresh and not providing sources and such does smell of taking the credit for it.

Judge · 28 Mar 2003, 12:07

Quote:

Originally posted by menth0l
Posting something that you see as amusing and fresh and not providing sources and such does smell of taking the credit for it.

if you say so, and I bow to your obvious superior intelect.

elefant · 28 Mar 2003, 12:49

Quote:

Originally posted by menth0l
Posting something that you see as amusing and fresh and not providing sources and such does smell of taking the credit for it.

I would not take credit for that BS since its mostly wrong

Radical Edward · 28 Mar 2003, 12:51

Quote:

Originally posted by elefant
I would not take credit for that BS since its mostly wrong

the factual nature is evidently not the main emphasis. or are you entirely devoid of humour?

Zword · 28 Mar 2003, 12:55

Quote:

Originally posted by Judge
President Bush and Secretary Rumsfeld may be upset that the French are not "assisting" us in this fight, but out here at the tip of the spear, there is nothing but jubilation at their absence. Last thing we need is to be carrying the French on our shoulders.

A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:

1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.

8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.

13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not the last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in the French bloodline.

15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...

16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to see how the second string will play) - Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.

17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.

18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria.

The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the French are not helping us!

* I"M SURE* that there must be a typo in this work

. Sorry to lazy to find it

elefant · 28 Mar 2003, 12:59

Quote:

Originally posted by Radical Edward
the factual nature is evidently not the main emphasis. or are you entirely devoid of humour?

I dont think modifying history to be used as propaganda is funny

Radical Edward · 28 Mar 2003, 13:01

Quote:

Originally posted by elefant
I dont think modifying history to be used as propaganda is funny

propaganda only works on the gullible though. I refer you to my earlier statement.

Dante Hicks · 28 Mar 2003, 18:45

Quote:

Originally posted by Radical Edward
propaganda only works on the gullible though. I refer you to my earlier statement.

No, crap propaganda only works on the gullible. The good stuff most don't notice is propaganda.

Judge · 28 Mar 2003, 19:21

Quote:

Originally posted by elefant
I dont think modifying history to be used as propaganda is funny

It is a Joke, an obvious blatant and humourous gag, a fun poke at the French.

The title says it all. A Tongue in cheek Look at French Military Prowess.

IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE SERIOUS.

Jeezus, have you all had a sense of humour bypass or something?

JonnyBGood · 28 Mar 2003, 19:28

Quote:

Originally posted by Judge
It is a Joke, an obvious blatant and humourous gag, a fun poke at the French.

The title says it all. A Tongue in cheek Look at French Military Prowess.

IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE SERIOUS.

Jeezus, have you all had a sense of humour bypass or something?

QUIET YOU OR YOU'LL GET BURNED AT THE STAKE LIKE THAT JOAN OF ARC SLAG!