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30 Sep 2006, 22:48
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#1
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 21
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Revocation of Independence
This was published a couple of year back, I found it in a chinese newspaper. wordy, but worth every single one of them:
Notice of revocation of Independence to the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume her monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 98.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) Will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed.
To aid the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.
2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian Accents. It really isn’t that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem “God save the Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You must stop playing “American football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as “American football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American football”. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Thos of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to “American football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nannies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any trouble. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive day”.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. A national diet and exercise regime will be introduced. In 12 months time, anyone more than 8% body fat over weight will be labelled gluttonous and promptly executed. Production levels are to stay the same, and surplus food will be donated to the third world countries at you expense.
11. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
Thanks for your cooperation
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1 Oct 2006, 00:09
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#2
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Mathamagician
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: At the very edge of existance
Posts: 1,803
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Re: Revocation of Independence
you are an idiot.
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I think I just had an evilgasm
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1 Oct 2006, 05:34
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#3
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Victim of Marriage
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: NW Indiana
Posts: 784
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Whoever wrote this obviously didn't know it's 95.75% of Americans that are "unaware of the outside world"; and it's more along the lines of they don't give a shit about the outside world.
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You mean there's life outside the internet...oh man I'm screwed.
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1 Oct 2006, 06:46
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#4
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Tilting at windmills
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 579
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Re: Revocation of Independence
It has been done before. Everyone has read it. It was not penned by John Cleese. It is not amusing. Please go away.
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1 Oct 2006, 12:12
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#5
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Godfather
Join Date: May 2000
Location: England
Posts: 5,185
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Old wouldnt do this justice because its old in terms of 'omg jesus is old' instead of 'omg thats some old cheese you got there dude'
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1 Oct 2006, 12:12
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#6
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Re: Revocation of Independence
There's also the fact that, historically speaking, "aluminum" is the correct name. Whilst Davy was considering naming the metal he was attempting to isolate "aluminium", he eventually decided on the more pseudo-accurate latin of the former. It was changed, independently, later because it was thought that "aluminium" had more of a classy sound.
In addition, there is such a thing as US English (unless you think dialects are merely some sort of psychological problem) and the section on American Football ("There's only one kind of football") ignores the existance of, for example, Rugby Football or Gaelic Football, which are hardly American pursuits.
And we know who killed JFK. It was Lee Harvey Oswald, the former army sharpshooter, and anyone who thinks differently is a loon.
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1 Oct 2006, 12:14
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#7
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Godfather
Join Date: May 2000
Location: England
Posts: 5,185
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Mrl_Jakiris Interesting Facts and Information is available at all good book stores from 3rd October. You can also reserve your copy at www.amazon.co.uk
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1 Oct 2006, 14:37
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#8
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Old Man O Deh *****s
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: In spelelpee land
Posts: 3,516
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Re: Revocation of Independence
This was the first email joke circulated between the US and the UK MoD after the latter was connected to DARPA.
True story.
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Dead_Meat
You dont need to keep beating a dog to get it to stop shitting on the carpet
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1 Oct 2006, 15:20
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#9
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Prince of Amber
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Heidelberg, Germany
Posts: 1,313
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri
And we know who killed JFK. It was Lee Harvey Oswald, the former army sharpshooter, and anyone who thinks differently is a loon.
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He was in the Marine Corps, not the Army.
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1 Oct 2006, 15:37
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#10
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texan
He was in the Marine Corps, not the Army.
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Sorry, I added that in as an afterthought. The point still remains.
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1 Oct 2006, 18:01
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#11
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Dum Di Dum Di
Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 858
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Re: Revocation of Independence
heh, I still found it funny =)
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2 Oct 2006, 00:07
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#12
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Nantoz posted what i was going to post.
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2 Oct 2006, 19:58
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#13
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Bad Girl
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: right here..right now
Posts: 1,055
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Re: Revocation of Independence
i made this into bold type and put it up at work in the rest room .. we all thought it very funny at the time .. it still makes me smile
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2 Oct 2006, 22:53
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#14
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USS Oklahoma
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,500
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Re: Revocation of Independence
It is never a good idea to mock any person or group of people who have the capability of ending life, as we know it, on the planet. Following this easy to follow rule will result in my eliminating mocking remarks about North Korea and Iran in the very near future.
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Ignorance is curable, stupidity is not.
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2 Oct 2006, 23:11
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#15
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I am.
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 6,580
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Quote:
Originally Posted by dda
It is never a good idea to mock any person or group of people who have the capability of ending life, as we know it, on the planet.
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unfortunately this is not true.
though perversly it does explain why americans can not take a joke.
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hi
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3 Oct 2006, 00:25
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#16
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Victim of Marriage
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: NW Indiana
Posts: 784
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Re: Revocation of Independence
We can take a joke, the problem is when we make facetious remarks about the joke, we get neg repped because you guys apparently haven't ever heard of using facetious remarks (saying something that may sound serious, but is just meant to be funny, although not always obvious or funny).
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3 Oct 2006, 00:53
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#17
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Klaatu barada nikto
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
Posts: 3,237
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Re: Revocation of Independence
I don't mind a good joke but how about some new material? This joke was moderately funny when it was topical, but that was what--six years ago?
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The Ottawa Citizen and Southam News wish to apologize for our apology to Mark Steyn, published Oct. 22. In correcting the incorrect statements about Mr. Steyn published Oct. 15, we incorrectly published the incorrect correction. We accept and regret that our original regrets were unacceptable and we apologize to Mr. Steyn for any distress caused by our previous apology.
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3 Oct 2006, 00:57
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#18
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I am.
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 6,580
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tactitus
I don't mind a good joke but how about some new material? This joke was moderately funny when it was topical, but that was what--six years ago?
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no one is supporting this particular joke.
please de-activate your automatic 'defend america at all costs' mechanisms.
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hi
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3 Oct 2006, 07:18
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#19
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Klaatu barada nikto
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
Posts: 3,237
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yahwe
no one is supporting this particular joke.
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Mistwraith and hyfe seemed to like it.
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The Ottawa Citizen and Southam News wish to apologize for our apology to Mark Steyn, published Oct. 22. In correcting the incorrect statements about Mr. Steyn published Oct. 15, we incorrectly published the incorrect correction. We accept and regret that our original regrets were unacceptable and we apologize to Mr. Steyn for any distress caused by our previous apology.
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3 Oct 2006, 09:33
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#20
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Bad Girl
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: right here..right now
Posts: 1,055
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Re: Revocation of Independence
the point is missed - it is a joke ...
We should all learn to laugh at ourselves and not take life QUITE so seriously AT TIMES.
I'm english ... we laugh at jokes made at our expense, hell at times we are a living joke !
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R1 - noob
R2,3,4, - ICD | R5 -ICD HC |R6 - HR Command | R7 - HR Command/NoS
R8,9,9.5,- HR HC /NoS Exec | R10 - HR HC | R10.5 - HR HC (FYTFO with LCH)
R11 -> NOW HR HC
(a round history not condusive to suceeding in exams, having a life or much sleep )
I'm not misunderstood ... I'm EVIL
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3 Oct 2006, 09:41
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#21
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Dum Di Dum Di
Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 858
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nantoz
Do you care about what the hell two people you do not know think about a silly, old joke?
Have you no self-esteem whatsoever?
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besides, the joke is just as much, if not more, about British arrogance than American "incompetence".
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3 Oct 2006, 22:00
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#22
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Prince of Amber
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Heidelberg, Germany
Posts: 1,313
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nantoz
Do you care about what the hell two people you do not know think about a silly, old joke?
Have you no self-esteem whatsoever?
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The problem with you is you have an over-inflated self-esteem, shit for brains.
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"We sleep safe at night in our beds because rough men stand ready to visit violence upon those who wish to do us harm." -- George Orwell.
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3 Oct 2006, 22:13
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#23
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Banned
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Further to the right
Posts: 19,441
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Re: Revocation of Independence
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texan
The problem with you is you have an over-inflated self-esteem, shit for brains.
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Shit for brains, that's a good one. I'll have to remember that next time I convince some guy to go on a murderous rampage in an American school.
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