[Very Long] My OCD Friend

[s|k]

He's ****ed.

I've got front seat tickets to his imminent demise. I just watch this self-destruction unfold every day and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm not in the best shape my self: when I tell people how much money I owe their response is usually a double take and a dropped jaw (indeed I redefine 'high debt'); but he is royally done for.

My friend Noel (a fake name), has OCD. At first I thought it was a bunch of bs. Whatever, he's just eccentric and wants attention. I don't know, he's definitely self-destructive. I've resented him, we all resent our friends to some degree or on some issue or other, but he's incredibly self-centered and his worst trait is that he chews with his mouth open. I'm convinced that people that chew with their mouths open have serious character flaws of more serious sorts, and interestingly I've never noticed evidence to the contrary, but I know I'm not really attempting to reject a null hypothesis here. Just my casual observation. He's been a rich kid all his life, when he graduated college, his mother bought him a brand new 2003 Toyota Corolla GTS. A degree, a new car, a wealthy mother, Hawai'i, a smart kid, the future seemed bright.

Jump forward 8 months later. He still hasn't found a job, he's been living off of his mother the entire time, and she's not happy. He sleeps during the days and spends all night indoors online doing god knows what. I lived in the same apartment complex with him (I was still in school in Hawai'i) and we hung out and I tried my best to console him. I was really unsympathetic to his plight and gave him the standard advice about job searching. He blamed his OCD. He's terrible about what I think is best described as putting all your eggs in one basket. He'll look at one job opening and place all his hope and energy on it, although no guarantee that he'll get the position. Of course he doesn't and he's spent three weeks doing nothing else, sure he'd be guaranteed a spot. Whatever: unemployed for 8 months. At the end of the 8 months after his graduation he does finally find a job. A well paying job. He had accumulated some minor credit card debt but he managed to pay it off and things were okay for him for a few months.

We broke off communication after four months because I get abusive even with my close friends (abusive like I do here) and I graduated and moved to Arizona and started my postgraduate life here. I ended up feeling sorry and eventually apologized for my outburst. So we started to talk again. This is where things start to turn bad for Noel.

He hasn't been performing to well at his job. He shows up late, he doesn't get everything done, he gets reprimanded, and it’s not good. He meets some girl online that flies out to Hawai'i to hang out with him and Noel plans to move to San Francisco to live with her. So the first thing he does is quit his job, he does this even before he's done any planning of any sort. By then the girl has returned to Cali and they've broken up. So much for that. But he's still intent on coming to California anyways. A mutual college friend, who stopped hanging out with us when he got a girlfriend (and by this time he's married), invited him to Sacramento. So Noel jumped on it, and I always thought that doing something radical and moving for him would be a good thing. Get away from his mom, that kind of thing (she's turned into a nagging infection in his side). This is all after about three months of being unemployed.

Our mutual friend turns out to not be such a friend at all. I only get Noel's side of things here, but basically Noel shows up at the friend's door, the friend's wife throws a fit, the friend takes Noel to a motel, all in the same day, and that's the last either Noel or myself have heard from this friend. Nice eh? Noel still has some cash and he manages to find a nice apartment even though he's unemployed (that's a tough thing to do in the US). Now here's a big mistake, and I knew it then and tried to tell him before he signed the lease: the rent is $720 a month. At that time Ayako and I were both working and together making over $80,000 a year (mostly her) and our rent is $450 a month. Yes he's in Cali which is more expensive but he showed me digital pictures, it's a nice place and he could've gotten something cheaper and should have until he found a job.

Somehow Noel has managed to exist in this place, with his car, with a broadband online connection (we talk almost exclusively through IM these days) for over a year now and he only recently got a part time job in December. At first his mother and his credit cards were helping him out. Then sometime in the middle of last year he decided that he would attend an non-accredited online law school, and do it all from home and live off of school loans. This quackery of an educational institution didn't require any standardized testing as most laws schools do, and in California you don't need to have attended any accredited law school in order to take the bar (in almost every other state you do). He had unrealistic expectation of how long it would take to get his financial aid: he told me days (knowing the financial aid system I laughed at him, but he never listens to me). It took weeks. He asked me for money, because he was tired of asking his mother, he asked me for almost $2000. I couldn't afford to give him that of course, and he grew bitter about it and about life and friendship in general (for a bit).

His mother coughed up the money and the law school loan eventually came and it bought Noel some time. His OCD would thwart him (at this time I think he could still afford the medication he received for this). I swear I think he's spent the entire year in Sacramento only on myspace. I really don't know what he's been doing. He's met a couple of girls that way, but he's worse with women than he is with his own life. He's needy, jealous, and possessive and he's misogynist in every sense of the word (more s|k specialty pop-psychology but I really believe he hates women because he hates his mother, I mean I think deep inside him he *really* hates women and enjoys watching them suffer). Whatever.

Of course he doesn't study when his school starts. He read a little and was interested, but he fell behind and I don't think to this day he ever officially withdrew from the program. So he has this massive school loan in the thousands of dollars he took out. He has credit card debt. His total debt right now is some where around $19,000 including credit card debt, spread across, if I recall correctly 5 cards or so (that's dwarfed by my own debt). Anyways, at this point he still has no job (he get's the part time job later), and his mother has decides now to cut him off. Her new husband believed that they can't have Noel driving a car they've signed for (they were making payments on it) and so they decide to pay it off and send him the title and be done with him. He's exiled from his family now. They don't understand his medical condition at all and are not sensitive to it. Just at this time Noel finds a job, finally.

It's a part time job. Right now he's only working 9 hours a week for $11 an hour helping autistic kids brush their teeth. It's not enough to pay for his rent. It's not enough for his credit card payments, it's not even enough to pay for his food. I've sent him money because he was asking his neighbors for scraps (at this point the title for his car was still in processing). I sent him money twice. Just a bit, and I'm unemployed now too, with massive debt, relying on my wife. But I have food, and after all he's my friend and I do care for him. So I sent him this money. It bought him some time, but he was reckless even with this – when he got my money he went out to eat instead of buying inexpensive supermarket food (rich people don’t know how to be poor). Eventually he received the Hawai'i state title. Before he could sell his car he had to however change the title to California which took weeks, and then he managed to sell his car (worth $25,000 when he got it in 2003, blue book worth is $18,000 and Carmax at first offered him $13,000, but noting his desperation dropped it to $12,000 when he finally sold it) but then his stupid bank wouldn't cash the check until it cleared and that took weeks and it all was this drama that was really at the edge of your seat suspense: two months behind in rent, three months behind in credit card payments, and penniless and starving (but for some reason his internet connection never died - go figure).

Now Noel has received his money. After catching up on all his payments (I suggested that he forget about even paying his credit cards - he should really be on survival mode at this point - but his brain doesn't seem to work like mine) and rent and such he was left with about $8,000. His car, the one he used to glance at with a gleam in his eye after he got out of it, was gone. His job requires traveling through town and he needed a car, so he rents (he was renting while waiting for his check to clear - the bank gave him enough for that). I told him he shouldn't try to pay more for a car than $2,000 at this point, but he won’t listen to me. He's looking to spend more, much more.

I got upset at him, and maybe I shouldn't have, but what am I to do. The result was that he just doesn't discuss his situation much with me anymore, I think he’s even blocked me on IM.. Last thing he told me a few days ago was that he still had not bought a car and was renting 'at the weekly rate.' He's again managed to buy himself some time, but this man is ****ed.

His money will run out. He will have no mother to turn to. I'm in such straits that there is nothing I can do for him. I couldn't even let him stay at my place because were Ayako's mother to find out (who doesn't know of my debt) I don't know how it would affect Ayako and our relationship. It wouldn't be good.

I don't know what will happen to him. I don't think his mother knows that he has sold his car, or his condition. He blames his OCD and I don't know at this point what he can do to rebuild his life. He owes a lot of money, he has almost no job, and no car and if I ever met someone that needed a streak of luck it is him.

I've said a lot of negative things about Noel, but the truth is, he's a good friend of mine, I enjoy our conversations more than any other I've ever had. He's a good friend, we've had good times together in the past, in our college years with women and drinking and drugs and hanging out. It's all turned to shit for him in ways nobody could predict. I feel helpless to save him and I can't not be there for him as he ends up what? Homeless? Dead? Institutionalized? $8000 wont last long with his credit card payments, his rent, and renting a car at the ‘weekly rate.’

[Dante Hicks]

Why is still paying his credit cards? Unless the law is very different in the US, I wouldn't recommend putting credit card payments before necessities or priority debts (like rent or energy bills).

[s|k]

Originally Posted by Dante Hicks

Why is still paying his credit cards? Unless the law is very different in the US, I wouldn't recommend putting credit card payments before necessities or priority debts (like rent or energy bills).

Yes I've told him this too, but he's worried about his 'credit.' He should be worried about eating and not asking his neighbor for scraps. He doesn't listen to anything I say. Nothing. I suggested he do a budget and he got angry and defensive, asked me if I had a budget (I do have an informal one) but that's beside the point. He's been a spoiled kid all his life and he doesn't know what he's doing or it's his OCD.

[Tomkat]

He just has no concept of money, as his mother has always been there.

I'm a bit similar - I'm terrible with money and only now starting to pull myself together. I didn't have money on a plate, but I knew that if I really needed money (like had absolutely none and no food) then my dad would always have bailed me out. He did, on more than one occasion.

You haven't really said much about the OCD. How serious is it?

[s|k]

Originally Posted by Tomkat

You haven't really said much about the OCD. How serious is it?

Well he says he goes through these 'rituals.' He can't leave his apartment or start to drive away in his car without them. He gets focused on small things and get's compulsive about doing them until they're completed, even though the rest of his life is falling apart around him: like cleaning his room, all the time, all day. He used to have more than 9 hours per week at his current job, but one of his clients asked his company to replace him because 'he spent too much time in their driveway before he left.' He doesn't tell me much else. When I knew him everything was very particular and everything had a spot and it made him angry if I ever moved or touched anything.

From my ignorant perspective it always seemed stupid to me. He spends all this time doing all these trivial things before he can do anything. None of the little things ever seemed like they were extraordinary, it just would always take him a long time, and he's got issues like I'll ask him to hang out and he'll say okay but he has to take a shower first and I think to myself another 20 minutes, but for him it means half the day. He says he needs a shower, it means we don't hang out at all.

I can't even get him to click on a link in IM, because he's always 'buisy.' This is dispite the fact that we've been chatting on IM for hours. It's such an effort for him to just click a link in an IM, it's always been bizaare to me.

[Cannon_Fodder]

Don't let him drag you down with him.

[IncubusGod]

Well he's a grown man now to be honest, sometimes it's hard to watch someone **** up their lives but to be honest what could you do?
If he's such a retard with money, then it doesn't look like that's going to change. Usually spoilt people crash the first time they are forced to be financially independant (a few people I know were), but tend to learn how to deal with money soon after.
But he's not managed that. And perhaps he's blaming his condition as a crutch, as more of a handy excuse than anything else. Though I don't know.
All you can do is give him advice, you can't run his life for him. Sometimes you just have to try your best to convince somone that their path is distructive and let them deal with things.
If he self destructs, then he self destructs...

[Nodrog]

how the hell can 2 people rent a flat for $450 a month

edit: nothing in that story indicates that he has OCD.

[Tomkat]

Originally Posted by Nodrog

how the hell can 2 people rent a flat for $450 a month

It's about £300 a month isn't it?

I assume it's a one bedroom flat. That's about right (obviously not in London or somewhere), isn't it?

[s|k]

Originally Posted by Tomkat

It's about £300 a month isn't it?

I assume it's a one bedroom flat. That's about right (obviously not in London or somewhere), isn't it?

Yeah it's a tiny one bedroom apartment. It's in Tucson, Arizona, the cost of living is very cheap here.

I live in these apartments:
http://www.forrent.com/search/detail.asp?site=1010017

Edit: I don't mind and Ayako is used to living in Tokyo where space is less than even in our tiny place (for much more).

[Kurashima]

Originally Posted by Tomkat

He just has no concept of money, as his mother has always been there.

I'm a bit similar - I'm terrible with money and only now starting to pull myself together. I didn't have money on a plate, but I knew that if I really needed money (like had absolutely none and no food) then my dad would always have bailed me out. He did, on more than one occasion.

You just described about 25 years of my life.

[s|k]

Originally Posted by Nodrog

edit: nothing in that story indicates that he has OCD.

Well I don't know, apparently he's been to the doctor and he's been diagnosed with that and depression and he was taking medication for it while he could still afford it

[Kurashima]

Originally Posted by s|k

Well I don't know, apparently he's been to the doctor and he's been diagnosed with that and depression and he was taking medication for it while he could still afford it

Thats a pretty horrific combination, and Medicare, or whatever its called over there, doesnt appear to be able to do shit for him.

[s|k]

Originally Posted by Kurashima

Thats a pretty horrific combination, and Medicare, or whatever its called over there, doesnt appear to be able to do shit for him.

Medicare is for people over 65. Medicaid is for disabled people. There is nothing else, unless the state offers something, for anyone.

[Kurashima]

Originally Posted by s|k

Medicare is for people over 65. Medicaid is for disabled people. There is nothing else, unless the state offers something, for anyone.

Your commentary that Arizona was very reasonable for renting and purchasing property made it sound attractive.

Your lack of universal healthcare makes it sound third world.

[Dead_Meat]

Originally Posted by Kurashima

Your commentary that Arizona was very reasonable for renting and purchasing property made it sound attractive.

Arizona

[s|k]

Originally Posted by Dead_Meat

Arizona

Arizona
Also, Arizona
and, Arizona

[Dead_Meat]

Yes, but when you think of Arizona, you maybe think of the nice bits, but when I fly over it, it looks like my picture.

[s|k]

Yeah well I hope he doesn't end off bad, but that's not how things are looking. I feel dread when I think about it. If he can get a better job that pays the minimums before his money runs out, he could be okay, but I don't even know if he's looking for anything.