Planetarion Forums

Mong · 2 Nov 2003, 18:20

Okay, so been seeing this girl casual for a month or so now. No commitments but we do see each other most nights. I was asked out by another girl (who I really like) on friday. But girl #1 stayed at mine on thursday, and we were driving darn sarf together for a party on saturday. So figured it'd be a bit off to go with #2 on friday. Despite #1 saying it's cool, not convinced she meant it.

Anyway, so last night at the party this guy is like "oh so you two live together?" and we laugh it off, anyway he thinks we're serious item. We just laugh and say no. Then I hear her say "we're only mates". Anyway, by the end of the night, she's shagging him.

Is it just me, or is this out of order? Or am I being a bit immature about this? I've no problem with her going out with other guys at the mo - we're not very serious - but to shag somebody with me there? Especially cos we'd taken down my sheets and stuff to share a bed!

Tell me I'm not just being petty?!?

M.

W · 2 Nov 2003, 18:26

You're being crap, and petty.

Mong · 2 Nov 2003, 18:27

Cheers W. Why?

ChubbyChecker · 2 Nov 2003, 18:31

If it were me I'd be pissed off and never see her again.

But hey, it's your life, you do what you think is best.

W · 2 Nov 2003, 18:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mong

Cheers W. Why?

A) You're being posessive. I'm going with Dante's view that monogamy is silly.
B) You're friends. She's given you every possible hint.
C) You're not being honest with her, you should have talked with her about it a long time ago if you really wanted commitment.

Ebany · 2 Nov 2003, 18:33

IT would have been nice if she had checked if it was OK - especially as (I assume) she was using your sheets, and basically stopping you using what had been supposed to be your bed, but other than that I wouldnt say she really did anything that bad. You insist youre only mates and its all no commitments etc, so why should it be a problem. If you had gome to the party with a male mate and he got laid I guess you probably wouldnt moan about it.

Mong · 2 Nov 2003, 18:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by W

A) You're being posessive. I'm going with Dante's view that monogamy is silly.
B) You're friends. She's given you every possible hint.
C) You're not being honest with her, you should have talked with her about it a long time ago if you really wanted commitment.

Yeah, I've considered most of these points - and others! It's just that we went down there "together", which annoys me.

A) I agree. Unless in a serious long term relationship, it's fine to be polygamous if both parties agree.
B) We're not "just friends" but we're not serious either. "Casual" is the word. I've told her I don't want anything serious either, and I wanna see other people.
C) I don't want much commitment. But I would expect her to have the manners not to shag another guy at a party we drove down to together.

Sure, she can shag who she likes - but not when I'm there, surely this crosses the line?

But you obviously think it's fine, so I guess I should take your comments on board!

Cheers,

M.

Nusselt · 2 Nov 2003, 18:40

why didnt you just roll over and tell them to stop?

Ebany · 2 Nov 2003, 18:42

I also get the impression the guy was asking to see if you would 'claim your territory' for want of a better word, you say you laughed it off and then she went after him to explain further. Possibly its something you could use discussing with her, it clearly didnt seem an issue to her if she was clearly ensuring he knew she was available, so maybe you need to explain it made you feel uncomfortable. It depends on how you think she will react really.

Phang · 2 Nov 2003, 18:43

get her a 'commited to the potential commitment to a commitment to a relationship' ring

Mong · 2 Nov 2003, 18:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ebany

IT would have been nice if she had checked if it was OK - especially as (I assume) she was using your sheets, and basically stopping you using what had been supposed to be your bed, but other than that I wouldnt say she really did anything that bad. You insist youre only mates and its all no commitments etc, so why should it be a problem. If you had gome to the party with a male mate and he got laid I guess you probably wouldnt moan about it.

Hrm, the female perspective!

From comments here, I think I'm overreacting a bit? We're not "just mates" though... we've seen each other every night I think for the last two weeks. There's no way I'd pull somebody with her there - I'd expect the same respect from her. I guess it's a bit of ego here - as people were like "wtf? isn't she with you?! shit, sorry, etc..."

Anyway, just off to go get my stuff and sheets and stuff that were brought back in another car. So am gonna have to talk to her... stay mates and keep seeing each other? or call it quits?

M.

Ebany · 2 Nov 2003, 18:48

Basically you need to discuss what the limits of this no commitments thing...you clearly each have different views of whats OK, and you need to discuss if you can come to a happy compromise or if its better to call it a day if you cant. Open relationships only really work if both sides are happy with the same level of 'openness' .

Nodrog · 2 Nov 2003, 19:13

I'd probably have done the same in her situation so yeah, youre just being petty.

edit: dont confuse "something you'd rather didnt happen" with "something someone else 'shouldnt' have done".

deerbarn · 2 Nov 2003, 19:18

Just a question, have you actually done 'anything' at all wih her?

Mong · 2 Nov 2003, 22:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by deerbarn

Just a question, have you actually done 'anything' at all wih her?

Erm, yes. We see each other most nights, and shag most of those. So it's not a jealousy thing, no.

Dace · 2 Nov 2003, 22:07

Making threads on an internet forum to show how you're "getting some" is both:

"out of order"

and

"crap"

Hope this answers your question.

Mong · 2 Nov 2003, 22:10

Dace: fvck off

Mong · 2 Nov 2003, 22:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nodrog

I'd probably have done the same in her situation so yeah, youre just being petty.

edit: dont confuse "something you'd rather didnt happen" with "something someone else 'shouldnt' have done".

Yeah, maybe that's the point. I think I am being petty

It's just that I'd cancelled a date the night before cos I thought it might be a bit off, cos we were going to this party "together"...

I guess I'm just not cold hearted enough

Super · 3 Nov 2003, 00:06

I wouldn't date her after that really. Don't want sloppy seconds eh. Plus she sounds like a slut.

Dante Hicks · 3 Nov 2003, 00:17

You're being petty. It's an instinctual reaction though (or so it would seem) so just try your best to ignore it and not feel bad (either self-pity of self-loathing). One of the main problems with jealousy appears to be people trying to justify their raw reaction with nonsense about betrayl.

I also don't see what giving her a lift, or bringing sheets had anything to do with it.

Super · 3 Nov 2003, 00:20

(implied that they would sleep together)

Dante Hicks · 3 Nov 2003, 00:21

Quote:

Originally Posted by Super

(implied that they would sleep together)

So he would be just as pissed off if she simply changed her mind and go to sleep early, or go home, or something?

Super · 3 Nov 2003, 00:21

Surely if they were 'dating' and she slept with someone else, that would be grounds to end the dating?

Super · 3 Nov 2003, 00:22

sleep together as in sex I mean

Dante Hicks · 3 Nov 2003, 00:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by Super

Surely if they were 'dating' and she slept with someone else, that would be grounds to end the dating?

I don't see why. OH NO, SHE HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE, MY HONOUR HAS BEEN TARNISHED!

What are you, a 12 year old klingon?

Super · 3 Nov 2003, 00:25

Even though it isn't a long-term relationship, there still has to be some commitment to each other. I doubt many girls would stay with a guy who ****ed a different girl every night would they?

Dante Hicks · 3 Nov 2003, 00:27

Quote:

Originally Posted by Super

Even though it isn't a long-term relationship, there still has to be some commitment to each other. I doubt many girls would stay with a guy who ****ed a different girl every night would they?

So if other people act stupidly this justifies me acting stupidly?

Plus commitment isn't the same thing as exclusivity. I'm very committed to my friends, but I have more than one. (I won't post anymore tonight for fear of being a broken record, but you get the idea)

Super · 3 Nov 2003, 00:30

Refusing to show any kind of commitment to someone you're dating hardly sets a good precident does it? Trust has to be built before they become a couple, and if they are both having sex with dozens of other people then I doubt that's going to happen.

Besides, when do you say that this should stop? When they are boyfriend/girlfriend? Married?

W · 3 Nov 2003, 00:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dante Hicks

I also don't see what giving her a lift, or bringing sheets had anything to do with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dante Hicks

people trying to justify their raw reaction with nonsense

W · 3 Nov 2003, 00:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by Super

Refusing to show any kind of commitment to someone you're dating hardly sets a good precident does it? Trust has to be built before they become a couple, and if they are both having sex with dozens of other people then I doubt that's going to happen.

Besides, when do you say that this should stop? When they are boyfriend/girlfriend? Married?

Never?

You're old fashioned, and the ideas you argue against are quite old themself. Heinlein just popularized it.

Nodrog · 3 Nov 2003, 00:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dante Hicks

I don't see why. OH NO, SHE HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE, MY HONOUR HAS BEEN TARNISHED!

What are you, a 12 year old klingon?

Your continual shallow attempts to destroy authentic private love and replace it with insincere 'unconditional' love for fellow man as a first step in establishing a collectivist egalitarian dictatorship are hideously transparent, commie.

Super · 3 Nov 2003, 00:59

I think I'd be much happier being with a single person really. Surely monogamy is the highest compliment - that you are devoted to that person and that person alone. I don't think I could mentally cope being in love with two (or more) seperate people, or being with someone who loved me as well as others. Though I'm not sure if these are natural feelings or just created by society and tradition.

Nodrog · 3 Nov 2003, 01:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by Super

I think I'd be much happier being with a single person really. Surely monogamy is the highest compliment - that you are devoted to that person and that person alone. I don't think I could mentally cope being in love with two (or more) seperate people, or being with someone who loved me as well as others. Though I'm not sure if these are natural feelings or just created by society and tradition.

loving only one person and not every one of your (female) neighbours equally is unnatural and selfish mang

Super · 3 Nov 2003, 01:04

We've got names for people like you.

Nodrog · 3 Nov 2003, 01:06

ad hominem

Super · 3 Nov 2003, 01:50

That's the one.

W · 3 Nov 2003, 02:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by Super

I think I'd be much happier being with a single person really. Surely monogamy is the highest compliment - that you are devoted to that person and that person alone. I don't think I could mentally cope being in love with two (or more) seperate people, or being with someone who loved me as well as others. Though I'm not sure if these are natural feelings or just created by society and tradition.

Sure, you couldn't cope.

the dying puppy · 3 Nov 2003, 02:33

I laughed while reading this thread. Either because I see so much irony in here, either because basicaly, I see only guys posting in it.

W · 3 Nov 2003, 02:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by the dying puppy

I laughed while reading this thread. Either because I see so much irony in here, either because basicaly, I see only guys posting in it.

Irony++

Nodrog · 3 Nov 2003, 03:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by the dying puppy

I laughed while reading this thread. Either because I see so much irony in here, either because basicaly, I see only guys posting in it.

quoting a girl post

IncubusGod · 3 Nov 2003, 03:37

Pffh personaly I'd have done something nasty like set fire to the carpet with some kerosine and a flare gun while nailing the windows and doors shut in the slutty girls room,with them both in it.

But that's probably cause Im off my meds

Mong · 3 Nov 2003, 10:26

Well basically I saw her last night, we cleared it all up I think. I explained that - at the moment - I have no probs with her seeing other guys, but that I felt pretty shit cos she shagged this random guy at this party we'd gone to "together", she accpeted that it was not exactly polite, especially as she knew it would bother me. But I admitted maybe I was being a bit possesive and I've no right to be whilst we're still in this "early stage".

A mutual friend has suggested that maybe cos I'd been honest about the other girl who I would like to date, that the first one (subconciously or otherwise) was a bit jealous, so kinda "got her own back".

Did find out we've been shagging/dating/whatever since september actually... I guess it's getting towards the point that we're gonna have to decide which way this goes?

Anyway, cheers for the feedback - most of you actually make sense!

M.

3 Nov 2003, 10:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mong

Well basically I saw her last night, we cleared it all up I think. I explained that - at the moment - I have no probs with her seeing other guys, but that I felt pretty shit cos she shagged this random guy at this party we'd gone to "together", she accpeted that it was not exactly polite, especially as she knew it would bother me. But I admitted maybe I was being a bit possesive and I've no right to be whilst we're still in this "early stage".

after reading up..

I do hope I have gotten this 'correctly'.

if she shags random guys with you there she's likely to cheat on you when she gets drunk and you'r not around (if you are ever going to get serious with this bint that is).

Thing is, girls like to play headgames, even if they dont mean to, they do it..

so, to sum up a really short post: you were in the right, she was in the wrong, she's by my standards a slut and should be avoided at all costs.

(much like my 3-last exes..but you learn the hard way I guess..)

sorry for the foul language and all, and for the part that didnt really make much sense

Mong · 3 Nov 2003, 11:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by I'm Idler

if she shags random guys with you there she's likely to cheat on you when she gets drunk and you'r not around (if you are ever going to get serious with this bint that is).

Thing is, girls like to play headgames, even if they dont mean to, they do it..

so, to sum up a really short post: you were in the right, she was in the wrong, she's by my standards a slut and should be avoided at all costs.

Yeah, I'm not sure I trust her either. After her telling me about her past... every guy/girl likes to think they're "the one" who's able to straighten out the other. But I doubt I am! So I think that's why I've not jumped deep into this yet. Probably won't either.

Mindgames? This one? Surely not?! Oh wait... yes... sounds about right :-)

I'm not right, she's not wrong. We both have our reasons for feeling how we do, and we both respect each other's reasons. She is a bit slutty (reckons she's shagged about 70 ppl - she's 26 and been in a 2.5 year and a 4.5 year relationships...) I'm not sure how I feel about this, as she has certainly not been "faithfull" to either of them - not that I advocate monogamy either.

All I was interested in was whether she accepted I was upset by her actions that night - to some extent she does, so I guess we leave it be and try to remain mates.

Hrm.

I think I'll just keep shagging her until something better comes along

M.

3 Nov 2003, 11:03

being shagpals is a great thing..

be careful not to let her into your head tho, its not a great thing (at all)

good luck and all that

Mong · 3 Nov 2003, 11:07

Yeah that's the thing - I think we're both starting to get into each other's heads... our mutual mate reckons she's freaked by this perhaps and has reacted thusly.

We've spent the last two weeks pretty much constantly together. Officially as "mates", but I dunno...

Castration is the key!

3 Nov 2003, 11:13

the key is that you start, "not" paying attention to her..

simply go out without her..
dont answer her phonecalls/sms for 5-6 hours.

this freaks my gf out and pisses her of immensly

Mong · 3 Nov 2003, 12:12

I can't be arsed playing mindgames with her

I don't like her enough to be bothered... or maybe I do and I'm in denial?

Most people have been in Denial, he's quite good.

3 Nov 2003, 12:21

I've been in Denial..

he kicks and screams

Super · 3 Nov 2003, 12:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by W

Sure, you couldn't cope.

I'd imagine most people couldn't.