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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:08   #1
IncubusGod
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What did you do this weekend? (I dont really care)
I got sexually assaulted by some...chick...on the dancefloor while quite drunk.

I met a few friends, had a few beers. Then decided to start on the hard stuff and drank some JD. Feeling the need to "shake my funky stuff", I proceeded to the dancefloor with the intention to letch over the various hot women populating the previously mentioned floor.

Having started to dance to...umm...I think it was some RnB number, that N.E.R.D. song came on and every woman on the floor proceeded to screech like banshees and go nuts.

It was at this moment, when I was at my most terrified of having my eardrums shattered by the hideous high pitched noises various women were emitting (possibly to indicate they like the song, possibly to scare off predators on the Serengeti), I was set upon by this...girl.

Ok I say "girl", she looked mid 20's. She was kinda short, bout 5ft 2. I’m 6ft 3 so it was a mismatch right there. She was a little podgy. She was ok looking I guess. She proceeded to hop on me from out of nowhere.
She latched onto my face and made busy with her hands.

Not knowing what just happened and thinking that I may have been the victim of a vampire attack, I leaned back to have a look at her. She then lifted my shirt and proceeded to show my stomach off to her m8’s behind her. Another shriek was emitted and she then M O L E S T E D me on the floor.

Hands everywhere.

Doing weird gyration thingies on my knee (getting herself off I presume, she seemed to enjoy it)

Hanging from my belt on her knees suggestively looking up.

Hands everywhere again.

Being somewhat taken aback by this I just went along in somewhat of a stupor. She then all of a sudden hopped up off my knee. Raised her hand and touched the 3rd finger on her right hand with her other fingers.


Again, due to the recent assault on my body and mind I didn’t quite get what she was on about for a second. I then looked at the finger and saw…a wedding ring.

A wedding ring.


Why is she wearing a wedding ring.


Oh crap, she’s married. What the…she’s married ?!?

Struggling to get my mind around this I pull her back but she says she can’t can leaves to go over with her friends.

And then I’m just standing there.

Everythings just gone.

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round.

I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the crowd.

Lookin’ to the left slightly, then looking back down,

Someone dropped a glass there, I say with a frown


What the hell just happened here, I could not adjust,

She pissed off so quick, a chase is a must.

I walk over near her, just passing you see,

Her m8’s all turn round and are staring at me.


As I get close I can see what is wrong,

Some guy is attached to her, he’s gripping her thong,

I see a wedding band on both their fingers,

I walk past, eyes looking away, from hers.


Dry your eyes mate,

I know you haven’t the slightest clue what the **** just happened,

But there’s plenty more drinks of JD.

Dry your eyes mate,

She wasn’t that hot after all, just really dirty.

It’s over. Forget about it.



Walking back over, across to the bar,

My mate all standing there, see me from afar,

Shouting and joking, they jostle me round,

Wondering how far I got, I don’t make a sound.

I order a whiskey and knock it right back,

Tell them the story, punch one in the sack,

We laugh and we joke, but I’m still bemused,

But tonight was the night when I got abused.


Dry your eyes mate,

I know its hard to take but drink do cost 5 euro now,

And you turn it all into pee,

Dry your eyes mate,

I know you want more change from a tenner, But you’ve got to walk away,

Shit! Here comes the bouncer.


And then I’m just standing there.

The bouncer asks my friend to leave,

Her gets shirty, then thrown out,

And I’ve got nothin,

Absolutley nothing…to do with this.


The rest of the lads, go and get the coats,

I walk outside, out into the cold,

See my mate sitting, right on the curb,

Eating a hotdog with chilli and mustard,

He doesn’t seem pissed off, his anger amiss,

Calls him a wanker, as he’s taking a piss.

Refers to the bouncer in unflattering terms,

Still eats the hotdog, unafraid of the germs.


Dry your eyes mate,

I know its hard to take but that kebab was real spicy,

Plus it tasted like shit don’t you see,

Dry your eyes mate,

I know you want to get home, but that chick just threw up in your cab,

Now it’s a 40 euro soilage fee.


I know in the past, I’ve found it hard to say,

Please get off my shoes you drunken cow,

The more you pull on my hand I say

You smell of sick now


Dry your eyes mate,

You wont have to put up with your m8s girlfriend much more,

Your right outside of your house,

Dry your eyes mate,

You can always dry clean that nasty puke smell,

Thank god that it,

The nights over.
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Last edited by IncubusGod; 19 Jul 2004 at 12:39.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:15   #2
Ste
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
did that actually happen?
Or were you just doing some background for a rewrite of the song?

This weekend I was down on the coast in Bournemouth visiting a mate. His band have spent all week in a recording studio so we didn't have much chance to do anything interesting.
Also my Grandpa is in the hospital with MRSA down there so I visited him. (hospitals are awful!)
Oh and I went to see F 9/11 on saturday night which was pretty good but didn't tell me anything i didn't already know.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:15   #3
Dante Hicks
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Re: What did you do this weekend?


I've worn a wedding ring while on the pull, stop being so close minded.

My weekend was dull. The highlight was sitting on the swings in Regent Park at 10pm on Friday getting pissed.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:16   #4
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Dr Seuss does Dace.





(Soon available on DVD)
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:16   #5
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
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Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
My weekend was dull. The highlight was sitting on the swings in Regent Park at 10pm on Friday getting pissed.
I spent 7 hours on a train to see a man about a boat.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:18   #6
Ste
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Ah, how was your trip to Nottingham in the end?
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:18   #7
Dante Hicks
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
I also saw some middle class people dance in the streets of West Dulwich. I was scared, I thought it was going to develop into a pogrom of some sort.
Last edited by Dante Hicks; 19 Jul 2004 at 13:03.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:20   #8
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ste
Ah, how was your trip to Nottingham in the end?
I took a taxi. It was only just over a fiver each way.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:21   #9
Ste
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
thats not too bad, costs me more than that to get home on a night out...
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:22   #10
IncubusGod
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Yes this happened.

The post was just a normal one and then I wrote one line of the song then saw the comedy potential.

So its all accurate. All of it.

So there.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:24   #11
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Hehe... Nice alteration to Dry Your Eyes Mate...

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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:39   #12
IncubusGod
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomkat
Hehe... Nice alteration to Dry Your Eyes Mate...
Alot of effort went into it, at least someone appreciates it.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:42   #13
Dante Hicks
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
I gave you a thumbs up too, you ungrateful swine.

edit : The other thing I did this weekend was decide I would use this forum less, so I e-mailed my IT department this morning asking them to block this site permanently. So less posting from me!
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:50   #14
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
I gave you a thumbs up too, you ungrateful swine.

edit : The other thing I did this weekend was decide I would use this forum less, so I e-mailed my IT department this morning asking them to block this site permanently. So less posting from me!
You foolish fool
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:51   #15
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Tis OK, I have no life so I can still post from home.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:55   #16
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
On Saturday I sat round a swimming pool in a Tunisian hotel all morning and afternoon with a break for a massive lunch in between. I then ate rabbit for tea. It's shit. Then I went to one of the many pubs and got some basically free drinks on an all inclusive malarky.

On Sunday I travelled home
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 11:57   #17
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
I gave you a thumbs up too, you ungrateful swine.

edit : The other thing I did this weekend was decide I would use this forum less, so I e-mailed my IT department this morning asking them to block this site permanently. So less posting from me!

Ok sorry, yes you did, More love to you.

And now you'll deprive us of another poster during the slow mid morning times!? Bastard! Unblock!
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 12:03   #18
Dante Hicks
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
The student community will just have to get up earlier.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 12:12   #19
IncubusGod
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
The student community will just have to get up earlier.

There's more chance of me having a normal night out than the loafing student population getting up before 2pm.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 12:15   #20
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by IncubusGod
There's more chance of me having a normal night out than the loafing student population getting up before 2pm.
I'm a loafer, and I had a nice lie in until about 9 this morning.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 12:23   #21
Lupin
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
enjoying mainz with my sisters.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 12:39   #22
IncubusGod
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Ok I actually don't care what any of you did, I just wanted to share my molestation with the world.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 13:02   #23
pyirt
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Went to Ashton Court community festival, Bristol on Sunday. Very good, and met some good friends I had n`t seen for nearly a year. Good weather and music; Roni Size and The Stranglers. Only just made it back home on the pedal bike pissed as a twat hehe. Did n`t kill myself. No JD involved; just a well.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 13:11   #24
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
playing poker saturday night with mates, ended up breaking even
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 13:14   #25
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
painting the ceiling.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 13:14   #26
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
i drove at 140mph down a dual carriage way racing an Evo VI Tommy Makk etc etc edition. neither of us hit the top speed mark and were still accelerating but corners were approaching and police could be round those corners. so brakes applied

that was the highlight of my weekend.

Hopefully it wont come back to haunt me if there was a camera on top of the bridge we flew under.


p.s. the road was dead straight with no traffic
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 13:16   #27
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Football training on Saturday, friendly on Sunday.


Yeah we lost, like 8 - 3. Only because our playmaker was on holiday.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 13:17   #28
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by IncubusGod
Ok I actually don't care what any of you did, I just wanted to share my molestation with the world.
next step:

how to do a unvexeable headline
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 13:25   #29
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
very nice Incubus God.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 13:42   #30
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
very nice Incubus God.
Call me ICY, Dacey. That nick is a hangover from years and years and years ago.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 13:50   #31
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
k
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 13:59   #32
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JammyJim
i drove at 140mph down a dual carriage way racing an Evo VI Tommy Makk etc etc edition.
What car where you in? I'm assuming it wasnt a Peugeot.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 14:19   #33
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by KoeN
painting the ceiling.
Hope you did a good job now.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 14:29   #34
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
good old ICY
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 14:32   #35
KaneED
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Oh its a kind of a song.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 14:48   #36
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaneED
Oh its a kind of a song.
Have you heard Dry Your Eyes by The Streets? That's what I was taking off.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 14:55   #37
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
I gave you a thumbs up too, you ungrateful swine.

edit : The other thing I did this weekend was decide I would use this forum less, so I e-mailed my IT department this morning asking them to block this site permanently. So less posting from me!
why?
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 15:00   #38
Dace
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodrog
why?


lack of self control*

















*he is a filthy red after all
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 15:01   #39
Dace
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
You'll have to wait 3 hours for a response btw nod (i hope you realise this).
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 15:45   #40
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JC
What car where you in? I'm assuming it wasnt a Peugeot.


Porsche 911 Carerra 2 (3yr old i think)


ive become part of the 'daddy has a porsche' club. He fully admits it being the answer to a mid life crisis.

goes like a bat out of hell tho.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 15:49   #41
IncubusGod
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JammyJim
Porsche 911 Carerra 2 (3yr old i think)


ive become part of the 'daddy has a porsche' club. He fully admits it being the answer to a mid life crisis.

goes like a bat out of hell tho.
So was he the one racing?
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 15:52   #42
Dante Hicks
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
You'll have to wait 3 hours for a response btw nod (i hope you realise this).
No, it takes our IT departments ages to do anything so it's not been done yet.

And yes, Dace is right. I'll just randomly type in the URL when bored at work if not "banned", and I'm sick of waking up every morning thinking "Oh shit I forgot to do any of the work I was supposed to do last week".
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 15:54   #43
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
I gave you a thumbs up too, you ungrateful swine.

edit : The other thing I did this weekend was decide I would use this forum less, so I e-mailed my IT department this morning asking them to block this site permanently. So less posting from me!
If you do that I'll have to put you on my ignore list for being gay and then there'll be no dante for me and I'll be and and then I'll grow embittered and resentful like because i'm over why you don't like us anymore leading to me setting myself which won't make Jonny a camper
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 15:54   #44
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
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Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
I'm sick of waking up every morning thinking "Oh shit I forgot to do any of the work I was supposed to do last week".


I could live like that *shrug*
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 15:54   #45
JammyJim
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
he let me drive about a 5mile- 10 mile stretch between two service stations coming home from wales

shall i pad out the story somewhat?

RIGHTYHO :

We had just pulled away from the Shell garage and i had managed to convince dad to let me have a quick drive. We hit traffic a few times but this wasnt really a problem. Drop it a few gears and away we go again. Then we hit aroundabout where two caravans had decided to join the dual carriage way and then try to overtake.

So whilst waiting for Caravan A to overtake Caravan B on the dual carriage way i saw a red blur in the rear view mirror. As it approached it was a highly tuned Evo VI. Red with lots of racing stickers on it. It looked fast. As soon as the caravan pulled aside i dropped into second and floored it. He did the same.

He also kept up which i was quite amazed at. We climbed rather rapidly through the 50-60-70-80-90-100 etc zone and began touching numbers which would inevitable lose my license for the rest of my natural life.

He was still tailing me. Not as close but was still doing a damn ace job of keeping up. I slowed down as we approached a corner because i had no clue whether a cop would be on a bridge just around it.

However we both hit around 140-150 ( i wasnnt really looking).

I let him past. We then toodled along doing around 85. Then we hit another roundabout. I wasnt really paying much attention but he dropped into first and floored it again.

Dad instructed me to 'keep up' so i did the same. I caught him and overtook him again doing around 140mph and entering a small series of minor bends which seemed every so small when your travelling that fast.

Then we pulled off and joined the motorway wed been heading towards.

Adrenaline pumped.
I had a big smile.

end of story.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 15:58   #46
Dante Hicks
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
I could live like that *shrug*
If I get fired from my job I have to pay them back £4000.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 15:59   #47
Dante Hicks
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyBGood
why you don't like us anymore
Jonny, I like you too much.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 16:05   #48
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Now dante is stupid and I am with him lol
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 16:14   #49
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
i had a great weekend! stayd in friday night. saturday night worked until half midnight then went to a friends 21st birthday party at his house...

it was ****ing brilliant!

he had like a marquee in the back garden, a proper bar with beer on tap, a pretty good DJ and barbeque. sadly lacking in the chicks but it was free beer and weed. got home at 4.30am.

oh yeah. and i hate girls like that in the first post.
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Unread 19 Jul 2004, 19:19   #50
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Re: What did you do this weekend?
Sex, Sex, free food, Sex, enjoyed the nice sun in 30 celsius temperatures, sun, sex, food.

Pretty much my weekend.
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