some jokes

[Aryn]

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands
up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"


A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says? "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!!!!!"

[Dilly_D]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."



A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

[Bob The Scutter]

haha, that chicken n egg one took me a while but i got there in the end.

Michael Jacksons house, as you all know, was raided by the police. They found class A drugs in his kitchen room, class B in his living room, and class 5C in his bedroom

[Dante Hicks]

Originally Posted by Bob The Scutter

Michael Jacksons house, as you all know, was raided by the police. They found class A drugs in his kitchen room, class B in his living room, and class 5C in his bedroom

After he was arrested, Michael Jackson was taken to the police station and searched.

Oddly, they found a large amount of processed cheese down his trousers. So the duty police officer said "WTF is that for?"

To which MJ replied "Kids will do anything for the taste of dairylea!".

[Superpig #1]

hehe
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A blonde walks into a bar.
-----------------
This is a strange one;
Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3 rooms. He says, “10 dollars per room so that''s 30 dollars.”So they pay and go up to their rooms. Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them.
On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn''t know how to split it 3 ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man.
My question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x 3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the other dollar?
--------------
Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children.
---------------
Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby?
A: Your dad's a w*nk*r.
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A southern girl returned home after a summer with her grandparents in Ohio. Her friends asked her what she learned on her trip.
"Well, they have these men up there who like other men."
"Ooh. What are they called?"
"They call them gay."
"What else did you learn?"
"Well, they have these women who like other women." "Ooh. What are they called?"
"They call them lesbians."
"Did you learn anything else?"
"Yes. They have these men who lick women in their most private parts."
"Ooh. What do they call them?"
"I don't know, but when he was done, I called him 'Precious.'"
-----------------
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About two cans of hair spray.
---------------------------
Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.


The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people." The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."
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I apoligise to anyone blonde or easily offended reading.

[Dace]

"What's the difference between meat and fish?"

























"If you beat your fish it dies"

[Ugly Monkey]

Originally Posted by Superpig #1

Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3 rooms. He says, “10 dollars per room so that''s 30 dollars.”So they pay and go up to their rooms. Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them.
On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn''t know how to split it 3 ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man.
My question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x 3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the other dollar?

The £2 is included in the £27 that was paid, and £27 - £2 = £25

[Baron Morte]

All your jokes suck.
The egg one was fairly enjoyable.

Do you know what has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.

[mbushell]

Originally Posted by Superpig #1

My question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x 3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the other dollar?

that's not a joke, it's a puzzle - or riddle - but no joke!

there's a blue house, where all the bricks are blue; there's a yellow house, where all the bricks are yellow; there's a red house, where all the bricks are red; what colour are the bricks in a greenhouse?

[Baron Morte]

They are transparent, I supose

[mbushell]

oh **** off youve heard it before or something

[JonnyBGood]

Ethics is spelt with a h. Please don't make me edit it

[roadrunner_0]

was has 2 legs and goes 'woof'


you when i light the petrol

[Dilly_D]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Darn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

[Stew]

Originally Posted by Bob The Scutter

Michael Jacksons house, as you all know, was raided by the police. They found class A drugs in his kitchen room, class B in his living room, and class 5C in his bedroom

I heard that they have sure proof evidence against him, they done a rectal exam on the boy and found a white glove.

Ive also heard that he is checking himself into the betty ford clinic, something to do with his 12 year old crack habit.

[Ragnarak]

Originally Posted by Stew

I heard that they have sure proof evidence against him, they done a rectal exam on the boy and found a white glove.

Ive also heard that he is checking himself into the betty ford clinic, something to do with his 12 year old crack habit.

oh

dear

[Aryn]

Originally Posted by roadrunner_0

was has 2 legs and goes 'woof'


you when i light the petrol

that made me laugh
brilliant! :P

[Nofutcha]

Originally Posted by mbushell

oh **** off youve heard it before or something

Either that or it was extremely obviouse to anyone over 5.

[JetLinus]

Why did the blonde lose her job in the M&M's factory?



Coz she kept on throwing away the W's