Planetarion Forums

AllFather|away · 28 Nov 2003, 01:09

Quote:

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

May you rot in Hell,

Robert Stokes

Kurashima · 28 Nov 2003, 01:22

First "Old" comment in an Allfather thread.

pablissimo · 28 Nov 2003, 01:23

I laughed in many places.

Luckeh!!!! · 28 Nov 2003, 01:48

lmao

did you really send that?

Dante Hicks · 28 Nov 2003, 02:10

In all seriousness, as complaints go getting a letter like that would be great for the company. It can be safely ignored since the complainant is obviously incapable of keeping it civil, which would be looked upon dimly if it went Oftel or whomever.

Oh yeah, sorry I forgot, hahahahaha, lol - swearing @ strangers!!!! pld!

queball · 28 Nov 2003, 02:24

<3 Dante

Kurashima · 28 Nov 2003, 02:43

Am i alone in having seen this letter nearly 18 months ago, when it was last posted on these boards?

Damn, that makes me feel like some kind of veteran

pablissimo · 28 Nov 2003, 03:14

Shut it, Luke.

AllFather|away · 28 Nov 2003, 03:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kurashima

Am i alone in having seen this letter nearly 18 months ago, when it was last posted on these boards?

Damn, that makes me feel like some kind of veteran

Your hardly a veteran, your more of a bag of expired cabbage..

Dace · 28 Nov 2003, 03:34

Totally old.

AllFather|away · 28 Nov 2003, 03:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dace

Totally old.

unlike your girlfriends

Dace · 28 Nov 2003, 03:53

Dont hate on love.

Weeks · 28 Nov 2003, 05:08

I laughed many times.
Thanks for that like.

roadrunner_0 · 28 Nov 2003, 11:08

it may be old, but it still made me laugh

doesnt beat the AOL file i heard the other day where its just someone going off it at some poor customer service rep like

I am Idler · 28 Nov 2003, 11:23

old as it may be, I wish there was some mutual correspondance from NTL to mr. Robert Stokes

Ragnarak · 28 Nov 2003, 13:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kurashima

Am i alone in having seen this letter nearly 18 months ago, when it was last posted on these boards?

Damn, that makes me feel like some kind of veteran

<3

wow we should make a club or something