Entitled so because that's how much sleep I'm going to be getting once I finish this story, and collapse into bed. I want to share the tale with you ****s before I collapse though, and forget all about it.
Before you read this, I'd like you to read
this here post to understand how much stress and shit I am under. It's my defence - I'm not boasting about my life. My life is far from perfect.
Anyway.
On with the story.
I had been seeing this girl called Kate before the Easter holidays. She's 22, doing a Masters in History, and a virgin. Pretty, slim, long brunette hair. So you have the gist of it.
The emphasis should be on virgin. We'd been on a few dates, nothing came of them. I wasn't that bothered really. Sex usually leads to complications. Complications usually lead to relationships or arguments. Both of which I can do without right now.
So we've seen each other once or twice since the Easter. She's had shitloads of essays to do. I've had lots of lesson plans to do, and have been knackered each night.
We did an All-Dayer in the pub last Saturday, and I decided to invite her. She declined, but said we should go out some time. I accepted, and we set the date for Thursday (just gone).
We would "go for a drink in the Ram" (uni pub).
So fast-forward a bit to tonight.
I was 10 minutes late (fashionable, I'd like to think).
She was sipping Southern Comfort and Lemonade on her own. It was about two sips empty.
"
Bingo", I thought. "
She obviously hasn't been here that long, if she's only taken two sips."
I sat next to her, said hello, and ordered a pint.
Fast forward a bit further. I've finished my pint, she's finished her drink.
I suggest a bottle of wine between us, and joke about her buying the next bottle (Joke? More like I was deadly ****ing serious - the money in my wallet at the moment is all I have until next Friday - she doesn't need to know that though).
Bought a bottle of white.
She pours them. High glasses for each of us. Things are looking up.
We work our way through the bottle. It takes a long time, we're chatting a lot and the wine is pretty disgusting also.
So it gets to 10pm. I've finished my glass. She has a few mouthfuls left. The bottle is empty.
She goes to the loo.
I text Dace, requesting advice:
"I'm on a HOT DATE. With that virgin girl, Kate. Is going well - we're on the 1st bottle of wine. Give me lines to persuade her to get the 2nd (and pay!) please :/"
Now, surprising as it may be to some of you, Dace's advice was remarkably good. The lines were excellent.
Pity they came through about 4 hours later to my phone.
I used the line. "
So... your round?" instead. She got the bottle of wine. By now it was 10:30, and we had to finish it between us.
It was a pretty much Mission: Impossible.
Yes, I could have finished the thing myself. I'm a gentleman though, I'm not drinking the whole thing.
Plus, that'd have meant I'd be drunk and she'd be sober. And that's completely the wrong way round for any kind of physical action.
Anyway, it gets to 11:20 and we still have half the bottle of wine left.
I suggest "a runner", as we aren't allowed to keep the bottle and leave the bar.
We got away with it.
What rebels.
We sat on a bench in some wooded area, and finished it. We joked about 15 year olds.
I resisted the urge to make a comment about the amount of 15 year olds having sex nowadays.
I suggested she went back to mine and watched a DVD.
She was slightly reluctant.
I coaxed her in.
"
I got sent Ricky Gervais: Politics today", I said.
She perked up.
The fish had grabbed the bait.
We walked towards mine.
We arrived at a crossroads though.
The Crossroads of Choice (it's actually called Duryard Crossroads, but that's a shit name)
She said "
oh, I should really go home"
I had to pull out all the available cards in my hand.
"I'll walk you home, don't worry about getting taxis and the taxi fare" I said
"It's late though" she replied
"
What do you have tomorrow though? You've done all your essays. You're done until September" I smiled (smirked)
"
True....." she said.
Caught.
We walked to mine and she turned off all the lights, then lay on the bed.
Oh zing.
I turned on the DVD, and we started cuddling while watching it.
From what I remember (I was concentrating a lot, ok?) it was brilliant.
Anyway.
I will emphasise again, this girl is a virgin.
She hasn't had a boyfriend since she was 17 or so. She's now 22.
The furthest she's gone with a guy is just some mild groping.
I pushed it a little further tonight.
I firstly unclipped the bra (with one hand
- I thought I'd forgotten how)
Petting occurred.
I moved my hand "down below".
Now, I really like this girl,
I don't want to be mean.
But Jesus.
It was a forest down there.
A FOREST.
I'm going to be crude.
I found it difficult to find the clitoris.
Not through lack of biological knowledge.
Due to amount of hair.
I mean, she isn't a HAIRY girl.
She just obviously doesn't trim it.
We will have to change that (I did find it, by the way).
Anyway. Moving on.
She was very tight.
Now I know people think "
oh yeah, tight".
When I say tight, I mean it. I mean I couldn't fit my entire finger. I'm sorry for any people reading this who are offended by the GRAPHIC IMAGES.
Proper tight.
To the point where I didn't want to go any further, as I was scared I would hurt her.
I checked she was ok.
She said it hurt a little.
I went down on her.
Jesus.
Poor girl. I really fancy her, but I have to be mean.
The amount of excess hair ending up in my mouth and teeth. Oh Lord.
I tried to ignore it, and get the job done.
Oh! speaking of jobs. My first job, if she is my girlfriend, is suggest that she trims it.
Suggest? More like order.
She's a virgin and has had no sexual action for 5 years, it's understandable. It won't be if we are to continue this exclusively though. Oh no.
I'm not mocking her here. Please don't think that I am.
I think she's great, and I really like her.
Anyway, so we're fooling around a bit more.
I am confident that I'm set.
She's as good as naked, she's making little noises.
I utter the immortal lines, expecting a positve response after this effort I have put in.
"
Fancy staying the night?"
She smiles at me.
"
I think I'll head home, actually".
****ing hell.
After I promised to walk her home? It's a 20 minute walk there.
My maths isn't top-notch, but I'm pretty sure that equates to 20 minutes back also, which is 40 minutes walk in total. And I'm not exactly looking for exercise.
So now I have 2 hours and 45 minutes sleep.
I'm teaching 2 classes tomorrow.
I'm also catching a plane straight after school, and staying there for a week.
I haven't packed.
Help.