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Unread 27 May 2005, 03:21   #1
Tomkat
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Three Hours Sleep

Entitled so because that's how much sleep I'm going to be getting once I finish this story, and collapse into bed. I want to share the tale with you ****s before I collapse though, and forget all about it.

Before you read this, I'd like you to read this here post to understand how much stress and shit I am under. It's my defence - I'm not boasting about my life. My life is far from perfect.

Anyway.

On with the story.

I had been seeing this girl called Kate before the Easter holidays. She's 22, doing a Masters in History, and a virgin. Pretty, slim, long brunette hair. So you have the gist of it.

The emphasis should be on virgin. We'd been on a few dates, nothing came of them. I wasn't that bothered really. Sex usually leads to complications. Complications usually lead to relationships or arguments. Both of which I can do without right now.

So we've seen each other once or twice since the Easter. She's had shitloads of essays to do. I've had lots of lesson plans to do, and have been knackered each night.

We did an All-Dayer in the pub last Saturday, and I decided to invite her. She declined, but said we should go out some time. I accepted, and we set the date for Thursday (just gone).

We would "go for a drink in the Ram" (uni pub).

So fast-forward a bit to tonight.

I was 10 minutes late (fashionable, I'd like to think).

She was sipping Southern Comfort and Lemonade on her own. It was about two sips empty.

"Bingo", I thought. "She obviously hasn't been here that long, if she's only taken two sips."

I sat next to her, said hello, and ordered a pint.

Fast forward a bit further. I've finished my pint, she's finished her drink.

I suggest a bottle of wine between us, and joke about her buying the next bottle (Joke? More like I was deadly ****ing serious - the money in my wallet at the moment is all I have until next Friday - she doesn't need to know that though).

Bought a bottle of white.

She pours them. High glasses for each of us. Things are looking up.

We work our way through the bottle. It takes a long time, we're chatting a lot and the wine is pretty disgusting also.

So it gets to 10pm. I've finished my glass. She has a few mouthfuls left. The bottle is empty.

She goes to the loo.

I text Dace, requesting advice:
"I'm on a HOT DATE. With that virgin girl, Kate. Is going well - we're on the 1st bottle of wine. Give me lines to persuade her to get the 2nd (and pay!) please :/"

Now, surprising as it may be to some of you, Dace's advice was remarkably good. The lines were excellent.

Pity they came through about 4 hours later to my phone.

I used the line. "So... your round?" instead. She got the bottle of wine. By now it was 10:30, and we had to finish it between us.

It was a pretty much Mission: Impossible.

Yes, I could have finished the thing myself. I'm a gentleman though, I'm not drinking the whole thing.
Plus, that'd have meant I'd be drunk and she'd be sober. And that's completely the wrong way round for any kind of physical action.

Anyway, it gets to 11:20 and we still have half the bottle of wine left.

I suggest "a runner", as we aren't allowed to keep the bottle and leave the bar.

We got away with it.

What rebels.

We sat on a bench in some wooded area, and finished it. We joked about 15 year olds.
I resisted the urge to make a comment about the amount of 15 year olds having sex nowadays.

I suggested she went back to mine and watched a DVD.

She was slightly reluctant.

I coaxed her in.

"I got sent Ricky Gervais: Politics today", I said.

She perked up.

The fish had grabbed the bait.

We walked towards mine.

We arrived at a crossroads though.

The Crossroads of Choice (it's actually called Duryard Crossroads, but that's a shit name)

She said "oh, I should really go home"

I had to pull out all the available cards in my hand.

"I'll walk you home, don't worry about getting taxis and the taxi fare" I said

"It's late though" she replied

"What do you have tomorrow though? You've done all your essays. You're done until September" I smiled (smirked)

"True....." she said.

Caught.

We walked to mine and she turned off all the lights, then lay on the bed.

Oh zing.

I turned on the DVD, and we started cuddling while watching it.

From what I remember (I was concentrating a lot, ok?) it was brilliant.

Anyway.

I will emphasise again, this girl is a virgin.

She hasn't had a boyfriend since she was 17 or so. She's now 22.

The furthest she's gone with a guy is just some mild groping.

I pushed it a little further tonight.

I firstly unclipped the bra (with one hand - I thought I'd forgotten how)

Petting occurred.

I moved my hand "down below".

Now, I really like this girl,

I don't want to be mean.

But Jesus.

It was a forest down there.

A FOREST.

I'm going to be crude.

I found it difficult to find the clitoris.

Not through lack of biological knowledge.

Due to amount of hair.

I mean, she isn't a HAIRY girl.

She just obviously doesn't trim it.

We will have to change that (I did find it, by the way).



Anyway. Moving on.

She was very tight.

Now I know people think "oh yeah, tight".

When I say tight, I mean it. I mean I couldn't fit my entire finger. I'm sorry for any people reading this who are offended by the GRAPHIC IMAGES.

Proper tight.

To the point where I didn't want to go any further, as I was scared I would hurt her.

I checked she was ok.

She said it hurt a little.

I went down on her.

Jesus.

Poor girl. I really fancy her, but I have to be mean.

The amount of excess hair ending up in my mouth and teeth. Oh Lord.

I tried to ignore it, and get the job done.

Oh! speaking of jobs. My first job, if she is my girlfriend, is suggest that she trims it.

Suggest? More like order.

She's a virgin and has had no sexual action for 5 years, it's understandable. It won't be if we are to continue this exclusively though. Oh no.

I'm not mocking her here. Please don't think that I am.

I think she's great, and I really like her.



Anyway, so we're fooling around a bit more.

I am confident that I'm set.

She's as good as naked, she's making little noises.

I utter the immortal lines, expecting a positve response after this effort I have put in.

"Fancy staying the night?"

She smiles at me.

"I think I'll head home, actually".

****ing hell.

After I promised to walk her home? It's a 20 minute walk there.

My maths isn't top-notch, but I'm pretty sure that equates to 20 minutes back also, which is 40 minutes walk in total. And I'm not exactly looking for exercise.

So now I have 2 hours and 45 minutes sleep.

I'm teaching 2 classes tomorrow.

I'm also catching a plane straight after school, and staying there for a week.

I haven't packed.

Help.
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Last edited by Tomkat; 27 May 2005 at 03:37.
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Unread 27 May 2005, 03:35   #2
Alki
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

well, i must say you have me in stiches literally, kudos to you for goin into the depths of the unknown, sounds horrible imo. I remember a girl i was seeing called laura wanted me to kinda similar situation i was pissed at the time and all i remember saying was '**** no' that ended well

but 3hours sleep i feel for u man ive had 3 hours everyday since sunday doing coursework taking as many caffine tablets as possible and im fukken exhausted.

Where u catching a plane to?
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Unread 27 May 2005, 03:37   #3
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

hehe

women
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Unread 27 May 2005, 03:39   #4
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

also you should of said to her

'****ing hell i know your doing a history degree, but bloody hell bushes where never in fashion at any point in time' she will then go through the dates on which the female bush was in fashion and how that was her favourite period in time
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Unread 27 May 2005, 09:15   #5
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

sleeping with virgins is bad.
seriously, you won't enjoy it it sounds like a good idea but unless you have a small penis you are going to hurt her, even if you do you probably will too.

And I know how you feel about the hair. when you get it in your mouth it isn't fun

anyway, you might get to go all the way next time!
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Unread 27 May 2005, 09:50   #6
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Hehehe
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Unread 27 May 2005, 10:33   #7
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

This thread went from a Disney Love Story into a Dear Jenna in the space of two lines.

Kudos! Also, three hours of sleep should be enough for one night to get through the next day.
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Unread 27 May 2005, 12:15   #8
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

another successfully complete bush tucker challenge
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Unread 27 May 2005, 12:36   #9
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

you truly do have some very bad luck there tomkat
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Unread 27 May 2005, 12:49   #10
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

next time, bring a lawnmower
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Unread 27 May 2005, 14:00   #11
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomkat
We sat on a bench in some wooded area
This is where the whole episode should have ended, with a sharp blow to the back of the head with the wine bottle, a shallow grave and then empty the rest of the wine over the disturbed earth to prevent woodland creatures from digging up the body.
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Unread 27 May 2005, 14:26   #12
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

I'm sure this kind of irresponsible behavior and lack of sleep will be immediately forgotten

the next time you whine about failing your teacher training
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Unread 27 May 2005, 15:39   #13
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Use Rhohypnol on her next time. Never fails.
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Unread 27 May 2005, 16:10   #14
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by pyirt
Use Rhohypnol on her next time. Never fails.
and then shave her?
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Unread 27 May 2005, 21:48   #15
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

How do you suggest they trim down below without being blunt and rude?
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Unread 27 May 2005, 21:50   #16
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Just spit out loudly when being busy down under and expressively remove hairballs from your throat after, dude.
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Unread 27 May 2005, 21:53   #17
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomkat
How do you suggest they trim down below without being blunt and rude?
You don't.
And by "don't", I don't mean don't tell her, I mean 'be unlike the razor' and be blunt.
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Unread 27 May 2005, 22:00   #18
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Exclamation Re: Three Hours Sleep

I shall read this thread later.
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Unread 27 May 2005, 23:14   #19
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomkat
How do you suggest they trim down below without being blunt and rude?
Tell her the one about the eunuch and the lawnmower, it'll work a treat.

Or like Silver says, smile at her with pubes in yer teeth.
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Unread 27 May 2005, 23:57   #20
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomkat
How do you suggest they trim down below without being blunt and rude?
Let her feel your man bush then trim it and see if she gets the hint.
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Unread 28 May 2005, 00:08   #21
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Exclamation Re: Three Hours Sleep

This raises an interesting question, namely, what would her reaction be if she knew you were talking about the hairiness of her bush to a group of anonymous losers on an internet forum?

P.S, I'd just employ a burglar (Better be a black chap, everyone seems to expect black burglars to be perverts - it'll make it more believable.) to raid her house at night, tie her up, and then shave her bush. Then you get a shaven haven and you get to 'comfort' her over her ordeal.
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Unread 28 May 2005, 00:39   #22
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Yeah, well... I'm pretty repulsed.
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Unread 28 May 2005, 01:26   #23
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Question Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boogster
Yeah, well... I'm pretty repulsed.
Just generally, or about something in particular?
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Unread 28 May 2005, 03:13   #24
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Omg tom u fag why didnt u tell me bout this!!

On a serious note, i think after u put all that effort in and she still doesnt want it, if u finally manage to bone her dont u think she wouldnt really get into the mood of it all and it will be shagging a corpse? (not that its a bad thing)
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Unread 28 May 2005, 10:22   #25
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipZ^
if u finally manage to bone her dont u think she wouldnt really get into the mood of it all and it will be shagging a corpse? (not that its a bad thing)
i'm lost for words.
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Unread 28 May 2005, 10:23   #26
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

It's always pretty amusing when friends of GD people turn up on the forums and sound like they've just been released from the darkest hole of an aol chatroom in existence.
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Unread 28 May 2005, 10:25   #27
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marilyn Manson
This raises an interesting question, namely, what would her reaction be if she knew you were talking about the hairiness of her bush to a group of anonymous losers on an internet forum?
She knows about quite a few of you guys. I'd told her I was going to an internet meet a few weeks ago anyway. I did update her on what it was like (she said Steven sounded funny). To be fair, I'm doing here what I'd probably do in real life when chatting drunkenly to my friends about it.

She's probably done the same to her friends though - girls talk, why aren't guys allowed to talk?

But yeah. If she knew, I expect she'd get really offended and not want to talk to me again.

She won't know though


Quote:
Originally Posted by Boogster
Yeah, well... I'm pretty repulsed.
So was I dude! I'm glad you see things from my point of view ;D


Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipZ^
Omg tom u fag why didnt u tell me bout this!!

On a serious note, i think after u put all that effort in and she still doesnt want it, if u finally manage to bone her dont u think she wouldnt really get into the mood of it all and it will be shagging a corpse? (not that its a bad thing)
I haven't had a chance to speak to you. Friday I was in school all day, and haven't been on the net properly until today.

And who knows. I agree, it probably will be - inexperienced girls are hardly suddenly going to be porn stars in the sack. I can't be bothered thinking about it or planning it though. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't, then I'm not going to care much.
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Unread 28 May 2005, 10:28   #28
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phang
i'm lost for words.
I think he missed out the word "like" in the sentence "like shagging a corpse".

Unless he really means that my penis is so huge it will skewer her, end her life, and I'll be shagging a corpse.

It is a possibility, I suppose.
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Unread 28 May 2005, 12:29   #29
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Someone needs to talk to some of the kids in Tomkat's classes so we can leak the url of his last two 'blockbuster' threads to them.

Teacher reeeeeeeeeeeeeespect ahoy!













Edit: Having thought about it, I shouldn't have posted this here, I should have PM'd Dace for the AOL chatroom the kids hang out in and then set up a bot to connect and paste it in there every 15 minutes.
Damn. (and lolahahahehehkekekekBBQomfg etc.)
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Unread 28 May 2005, 13:07   #30
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Congratulations, you just fingered the most boring girl in the history of EVER EVER.

If she dosnt trim or **** properly.... whats the reason of actually liking her ?
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Unread 28 May 2005, 13:49   #31
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by I am Idler
If she dosnt trim or **** properly.... whats the reason of actually liking her ?
I bet your a ladies man
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Unread 28 May 2005, 19:20   #32
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavius
I bet you're quite the speller
Stop shittifying my thread please
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Unread 29 May 2005, 00:08   #33
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Arrow Re: Three Hours Sleep

Hope she doesn't know about your nickname or about the name "planetarion".
It's amazing sometimes how stalkative google can be ;-)
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Unread 29 May 2005, 11:25   #34
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Especially if this goes to clownshoe corner !
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Unread 29 May 2005, 12:50   #35
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Tomkat has an alter-ego as a porn star??? :eek:
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Unread 29 May 2005, 12:55   #36
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Busted
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Unread 29 May 2005, 13:45   #37
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Question Re: Three Hours Sleep

TomKat does deviant porno?
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Unread 1 Nov 2005, 18:55   #38
evilTone
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

one word would have sorted it, well two words

rohypnol and gillette
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Unread 1 Nov 2005, 18:57   #39
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

don't bump old threads.

you wanker.
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Unread 1 Nov 2005, 19:02   #40
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Re: Three Hours Sleep

Quote:
Originally Posted by evilTone
two words
stop posting
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