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6 Feb 2003, 11:48
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#1
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And you expected Kittens?
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Purgatory, Upper Hell, Manchester.
Posts: 478
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Chinese Torture
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= Chinese Torture =
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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could afford and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition:You cannot mess around with my granddaughter". The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning". The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. Furthermore, the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had
quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
(or so he thought.......)
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lbs rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test : Left testicle tied to bedpost".
.........ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
__________________
If music be the food of love, then industrial techno be the food of BDSM.
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6 Feb 2003, 11:56
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#2
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share the <3
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Location: Location:
Posts: 2,709
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i dont understand.
How could this man not know he had stuff attached to his gonads. Surely as soon as he woke up he'd have a 'feel'.
__________________
Sophie is hotter than you
though ive gone off her now; the way Susanna Reid squirms around on sml is, however, awesome
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6 Feb 2003, 11:59
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#3
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And you expected Kittens?
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Purgatory, Upper Hell, Manchester.
Posts: 478
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NURSE! 30ccs of Humour, STAT!!!
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If music be the food of love, then industrial techno be the food of BDSM.
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6 Feb 2003, 12:04
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#4
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Quote:
Originally posted by Evil Skragg
NURSE! 30ccs of Humour, STAT!!!
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It's too late. Time of death, 11:04.
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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6 Feb 2003, 12:07
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#5
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And you expected Kittens?
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Purgatory, Upper Hell, Manchester.
Posts: 478
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Damn, this is the hardest part of the job.
/me picks up humourless corpse and throws him out the window into a waiting skip.
NEXT PATIENT!
__________________
If music be the food of love, then industrial techno be the food of BDSM.
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6 Feb 2003, 12:11
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#6
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Quote:
Originally posted by Evil Skragg
NEXT PATIENT!
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Why does it take 10000 Chinamen to change a lightbulb?
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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6 Feb 2003, 12:15
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#7
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And you expected Kittens?
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Purgatory, Upper Hell, Manchester.
Posts: 478
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I dunno! Why does it take 10000 chinamen to change a lightbulb?
__________________
If music be the food of love, then industrial techno be the food of BDSM.
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6 Feb 2003, 12:17
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#8
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Quote:
Originally posted by Evil Skragg
I dunno! Why does it take 10000 chinamen to change a lightbulb?
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Confucious he say many hand make light work \o/
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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6 Feb 2003, 12:25
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#9
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And you expected Kittens?
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Purgatory, Upper Hell, Manchester.
Posts: 478
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\  /
How many Psychiartrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
__________________
If music be the food of love, then industrial techno be the food of BDSM.
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6 Feb 2003, 12:30
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#10
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Quote:
Originally posted by Evil Skragg
\ /
How many Psychiartrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
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Only one but the lightbulb must want to be changed.
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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6 Feb 2003, 12:31
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#11
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And you expected Kittens?
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Purgatory, Upper Hell, Manchester.
Posts: 478
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Damn 
You win this time, Yorkshirewoman! But ill be back!
HAIKU TIME: Ode to Roadkill
Lifeless and flattened
Unidentifiable
Baking on cement
__________________
If music be the food of love, then industrial techno be the food of BDSM.
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6 Feb 2003, 12:38
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#12
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Angry Young Man
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Mister Cacciatore's down on Sullivan Street
Posts: 7,518
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how many anti war protesting chinamen does it take to stop war in iraq?
it doesnt matter because america is gonna do it anyway lolz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOWN WITH SOCEITY AND HOMEWORK RAHRAHRAH!!!!!111twothree
__________________
Believe in me, cause i don't believe in anything
And i wanna be someone, to believe, to believe in
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6 Feb 2003, 12:42
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#13
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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6 Feb 2003, 12:48
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#14
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Look over there!
Join Date: Feb 2001
Posts: 704
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I laughed, but mostly because i thought it resembled a typical episode of kenshin : /
__________________
Do not argue with me! I control your arms!
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6 Feb 2003, 12:50
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#15
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Quote:
Originally posted by G_frog
I laughed, but mostly because i thought it resembled a typical episode of kenshin : /
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It would resemble it more if it wasn't a man dying of hunger, but someone who can't be bothered to get their own.
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6 Feb 2003, 12:51
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#16
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,476
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Quote:
Originally posted by Gayle28uk
Why does it take 10000 Chinamen to change a lightbulb?
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Because they have to form a human pyramid in order to reach the socket?
(comedy predictability)
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6 Feb 2003, 13:14
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#17
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And you expected Kittens?
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Purgatory, Upper Hell, Manchester.
Posts: 478
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NURSE!! we got another one coming in. Male Caucasian, Youngish, possible SPAM addict. Get me 100ccs of Humour and 100l of Cyanide, STAT!
__________________
If music be the food of love, then industrial techno be the food of BDSM.
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6 Feb 2003, 13:16
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#18
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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hahahahaha ure funny
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6 Feb 2003, 13:19
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#19
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Quote:
Originally posted by Evil Skragg
NURSE!! we got another one coming in. Male Caucasian, Youngish, possible SPAM addict. Get me 100ccs of Humour and 100l of Cyanide, STAT!
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It's hopeless, the damage to his brain is too severe! All we can do for him is call the Republicans and tell them we've got another one for when the current model expires.
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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6 Feb 2003, 13:25
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#20
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And you expected Kittens?
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Purgatory, Upper Hell, Manchester.
Posts: 478
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GOD NO!!! you know what those Americans are like with Friendly fire!!! If the subject is in power when we invade Iraq, HE'LL NUKE THE WHITE HOUSE!!!
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......
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actually, good plan, nurse Gayle!
__________________
If music be the food of love, then industrial techno be the food of BDSM.
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6 Feb 2003, 13:32
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#21
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: I hate you all
Posts: 718
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I lolled.
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I admit it, i'm a [TiT]
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6 Feb 2003, 13:53
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#22
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And you expected Kittens?
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Purgatory, Upper Hell, Manchester.
Posts: 478
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kmoffhomenowthxbye
IF JBollox deletes this thread, Ill come over to scotland and bugger him with his "Stout Stick"
__________________
If music be the food of love, then industrial techno be the food of BDSM.
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6 Feb 2003, 13:58
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#23
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Guest
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this thread needs to be moved to roleplay
asap.
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6 Feb 2003, 20:32
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#24
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Child Eating Zombie Clown
Join Date: Apr 2001
Posts: 1,450
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Re: Chinese Torture
Quote:
Originally posted by Evil Skragg
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= Chinese Torture =
******************************
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could afford
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So tell me..
Mcdonald's has chinese wilderness locations?
__________________
Mirai - An Astral Being From Outer Space
Die You Bitch Minister of Insanity - "Timete Nostrum Piscem Furoris"
My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever, we begin bombing in 5 minutes - President Ronald Reagan, in a radio check where he did not realize the microphone was on and the station broadcasting
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6 Feb 2003, 20:37
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#25
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Re: Re: Chinese Torture
Quote:
Originally posted by Mirai
So tell me..
Mcdonald's has chinese wilderness locations?
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When the first proto-amphibian crawled out of the ocean there was McDonalds. When the Horsemen of the Apocalypse have finished their work they will go to McDonalds. Mcdonalds has always been and will always be.
Here endeth the lesson.
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6 Feb 2003, 20:38
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#26
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Attitude
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Rich Part of Denmark
Posts: 435
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How many General Discussing posters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
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Todd: Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. Kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying, to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.
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6 Feb 2003, 20:40
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#27
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Quote:
Originally posted by Christian
How many General Discussing posters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
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Depends whether lightbulbs are proprietary or open source, we might need a moral debate on whether we should be using them at all.
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6 Feb 2003, 20:44
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#28
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Gone
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 14,656
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Quote:
Originally posted by Christian
How many General Discussing posters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
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I don't know, but it would be lots.
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6 Feb 2003, 20:44
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#29
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Attitude
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Rich Part of Denmark
Posts: 435
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Quote:
Originally posted by Gayle28uk
Depends whether lightbulbs are proprietary or open source, we might need a moral debate on whether we should be using them at all.
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Come on Gayle, I've seen you post in other threads. You can do wittier than that.
__________________
Todd: Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. Kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying, to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.
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6 Feb 2003, 20:45
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#30
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Quote:
Originally posted by Christian
Come on Gayle, I've seen you post in other threads. You can do wittier than that.
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Apologies, I'm flitting between here and slashdot, that would be the height of wit over there 
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6 Feb 2003, 20:52
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#31
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Attitude
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Rich Part of Denmark
Posts: 435
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Quote:
Originally posted by Gayle28uk
Apologies, I'm flitting between here and slashdot, that would be the height of wit over there
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Ahh, in that case, do take your time. I know how adictive slashdot can be.
__________________
Todd: Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. Kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying, to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.
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6 Feb 2003, 21:44
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#32
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: the netherlands
Posts: 17
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Quote:
Originally posted by G_frog
I laughed, but mostly because i thought it resembled a typical episode of kenshin : /
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kenshin is better then this
__________________
Wear the grudge like a crown
negativily,
calculate what we will and will not tolerate
desperate to control all and everything
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Xanadu, ChaoZ loyality to the community, cheater in details 
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6 Feb 2003, 23:51
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#33
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IRC Lackey
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Somewhere in the dark and nasty regions...
Posts: 1,471
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heh
how many freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
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2 - one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis. I mean ladder...
__________________
-Mushroom.
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
George Bernard Shaw
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7 Feb 2003, 12:21
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#34
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And you expected Kittens?
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Purgatory, Upper Hell, Manchester.
Posts: 478
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A businessman is in china, and after a long day of meetings he retires to the Hotel bar to chill out. Hes in the middle of a drink when suddenly he sees a gorgeous chinese girl walking into the bar. He sidles up to her and begings chatting, but son discovers that she speaks very little english, and his own grasp of Chinese is very basic and mostly business related. However, they seem to stumble along and after a while, they both go upstairs for a bit of "hows yer father".
Later on, hes at it like teh clappers, and he hears the girl start shouting "Naganichai Ina!! Naganichai Ina!!!" at the top of her voice. The guy thinks shes moaning in pleasure, and continues at it harder, her squeals getting louder. After they finish, she leaves his hotel room and he never sees her again.
Some weeks later, teh businessman is back in england, and the head of the Chinese organisation is there also playing a game of golf. The Chinese man swings at the ball, and it sails through the air and *PLOK* scores a hole in one.
As they go to retreive the ball, the englishman decides to try and score some brownie points with teh Chinese man adn begins applauding adn shouting "Naganichai Ina!! Naganichai Ina!!!"
The Chinese businessman stands up, turns round with a grim expression on his face nad walks right up to teh businessman and says "What do you mean, "Wrong Hole"!?!?!
__________________
If music be the food of love, then industrial techno be the food of BDSM.
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