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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 00:50   #1
Deffeh
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My situation

Y'alright.

I'm going to leave out as much of the amateur dramatics and indescribable mental shit as possible, though its not really seperable, as i'm currently calm, rational, and looking for physical solutions to tangible problems rather than e-council on mental health, which while encouraging, self-indulging (i dont mean this in a bad sense), and therapeutic, isnt really what im after, this time anyway.

As quite a few people know, i have some pretty ****ed up mental problems. I dont want to talk about them in too much depth, but the result is, i seem to go from crisis to crisis. Having just escaped a flat that nearly killed me, ive returned to the safe haven that is my parents house for the next 3 months of summer.

The trouble is, (as well as regular family issues such as looking after my degenerate brother, hideous academic pressure from my dad) im not happy here. I do enjoy the large extent of freedom i have, but its hindered by my mum, who is a clinical depressive. She's been pretty much in her bed all my life, doesnt go downstairs or anything, just uses the upstairs toilet, im a go between for her and her parents. I dont want to bitch too much about it, and yes, i resent her and it, but thats not really the point - i dont know anything different.

My main problem now is i'm being pressured into getting a job. I've had shit jobs 30-40 hours a week for months on end before, but i wasnt this wound before. I actually cant face it - i cant do it, cant deal with the public, cant have a boss, a timetable, a schedule, because i have so little control over my brain chemistry that i cant force myself to be "up" for even a 6 hour shift - i cant smile at customers and take orders and work as fast as i would need to in any one of these shit places id end up working at - its just not possible - i know its just three months, but you cant understand how long that seems to me right now.

The point is as well, getting a shit job for £4.85 an hour isnt even (that) easy, and it isnt in any way a solution, or an economically sound idea. £4.85 an hour? I am probably 10k in debt or something, all this is just a drop in the ocean until i get my degree and pay it back, whats the point of destroying myself to work for ****ing peanuts? The point is, that my parents want to see me working - im not doing it for the money (i cant tell you how much i made last summer - could have been 1k, could have been 2.5k - i never checked), i do it to get rid of the hassle.

But ive got to a stage now where i actually cant handle it. I dont want, or need anything, im happy to sell my t in the park ticket if that convinces them i'm not going to spend jack shit this summer, and if i did work, id only end up spending it all on travel / food / trips to stirling / booze, and wouldnt make any money anyway.

The whole situation is completely hypocritical from my parents too; my mum cant/wont even go downstairs to make herself a cup of tea, and i'm being told that working gives you self respect etc (apologiser for the owning classes champagne socialist that she is, please tell me what working in a bookies in glasgow does for your self respect if not destroy it).

My dad is self-employed as a picture framer in our garage, barely earns or works, some days not at all (though does look after me, my brother, and my mum, whos more of a child than either of us.). I help out around the house, cook some meals, tidy up, fix things when i can, do the shopping, and keep myself to myself - im low maintenance - i never ask for anything, and i never take anything. The saddest part though is i'm, can you say, redundant. Anything i do for the house - fix a doorhandle, or hang up a broken painting - my dad, when im away in stirling or something, breaks, deliberately. Seriously, im not joking - there isnt a working doorhandle in the house - you might think im paranoid, but its not the case - when i buy sauces or spices for the house for example, like a thing of garlic salt, when i come back, its been binned - if i buy a pasta sauce and put it in the cupboard, he'll either bin it, or not use it, because he simply cant accept me doing anything for the house - he's got an alpha male thing going on, and he doesnt know it himself i dont think. I think hes subconsciously MAKING me redundant in the house - marking his territory, making all the little jobs HIS responsibility so that there is no room for me to fill that role. Its actually quite sad and rejecting really, but we've never been a "close" family.

The thing is as well, they dont know i'm on meds, and they dont know i have scars on my upper arm, and they dont know im on prescription sleeping pills because i cant sleep sober, and they dont know i have (had, i fired him) a shrink, and they dont know i'm Manic depressive, and they dont have any idea how bad i feel for such long portions of my life - and they cant know. For all my dads coldness and faults and we've never been close, he has put up with my mum for 25 odd years when lesser men would have left her, and he gave up his career etc - he's practically living it through me - he doesnt need another load on his mind. My mum - what would it do to her if she found out she gave her worst genes to me and i have the same suffering ahead of me?

Not to blow my own trumpet; but the fact i dont tell them is pretty ****ing altruistic, because look what them not knowing does to me, it makes me look lazy, ignorant, uncaring, etc etc - the days when i cant see anyone and im forced to do pointless tasks - all i want is to be left alone, and given a bit of ****ing peace. Yeah, it would be a lot easier for me if they knew, but i have no emotional support from them, i dont want it, and im not even 100% sure it would make everything easier if i did tell them (or they would believe me - they are like that. My mum, despite being in bed for about a third of her life, claims the corner on right, wrong, and life experience).

So this is pretty much the situation. I get through each day till half 5 when its too late to do anything job wise - my dad keeps snarling at me and creating an atmosphere, wanting to take me out in the car around shithole areas of glasgow to work with shit people who want to ruin everyones day they meet. I am seriously worried that a crap job, being in mortal fear of getting up in the morning, could push me over the edge. I'm bad enough at the best of times but FORCED contact with other human beings is absolutely beyond me.

Im not really sure what my options are, my #1 preference would be not to work at all and not to get hassle, but thats not going to happen. #2 would be find a job thats bearable - but thats almost an oxymoron, especially considering im only here for 3 months and looking for part term work. I wanted to go for medical trials but because of my meds they wouldnt let me. I keep coming up with grand schemes to sell everything i own, but i dont own jack shit. I'm really, really ****ing trapped into a corner with this one and ive no idea what to do.

#2
The second problem is i havent sorted out a flat for september, my overseas friend is in contact with me now at least whom im sorting it out, but she hasnt got back to me about whether she would be happy living in a 2 person flat - she wanted me to sort out a 5 person flat, me, her and 3 randoms. By myself, while she's hopped the pond - a near impossible task. We're not in constant contact and ive seen her just once in about a year, shes not back for the summer and also not sure what she can afford. Again, the payment through this will be through me (but the ISA account info is all held by my parents, which will bring up money issues etc). I hope this will resolve itself but not having somewhere to live is vaguely stressful.

#3
Im going into 4th year of uni, and thats fine and great and whatever. i like uni itself, i can work at my own pace - use my good weeks to work hard, and then when i get down, i can be down with at the very least not having the added pressure of HAVING to be somewhere at some time.

Now, ideally i want to stay in academia - do the masters, phd thing. Im poor, my parents are poor, but i have the luxury of being priveleged in the sense that my grandpa has bankrolled me through uni. I am sure he would be delighted to see me get further qualification, i dont like going cap in hand, but he is genuine about wanting to see me do well - what grandfather wouldnt want to use their wealth to help their grandkids further themselves in a positive way? Money, while AN issue, isnt THE main issue here. I've decided i want to do a masters, but i dont know specifically what in, or where. Europe, the UK, Canada, or the States - and time is fast running out if i decide to leave the UK (which considering the mentality of this ****ing island, i would ****ing love to do, maybe relief some stress). Again, my mum is pressuring me on it - but i have these headaches, i just cant think about these things and do this under pressure - i put everything aside and say i'll deal with it all tommorow - when im running out of tommorows to deal with shit in. I dont have any confidence in my own ability (i partly blame the master politicians on this forum, who when i read some of the threads, i realise quite how little i know. Its international relations / conflict resolution i specialise in and im sure i can hold my own in discussion, but lets face it, for someone whos talking about getting a phd some day, im not exactly known as one of the political heavyweights on here, this, a ****ing internet forum). Again, its stressing me out, and i dont have much time to make a decision - my head just spins - im so tired, all day every day i just want to bury my head in the sand. I dont know if im up to it, i dont know if i'll get in anywhere - what ill do if i dont - where i want to go - how i'll cope on my own - and my major rational worry is that Masters etc are so taxing and time consuming, i honestly doubt i will able to be mentally "up" for as many hours a day as you would need to to really make a good fist of the whole thing. I can be down for hours, days, even weeks on end - hours days and weeks when i will NEED to be researching - im sure a masters is much more taxing and my time juggling that ive done with my Bachelors wont hold as well.


I know this was long and it all makes for a rather sad self-indulgent read, but any suggestions would be much appreciated. #2 will sort itself out eventually, but i dont know what to do about #1 or #3.

Obviously with all these problems they all center around my mental problems, but in this thread im looking really for cures, not preventions, to the problem. I'll try and sort the mental shit out later, i didnt want this thread to be about it, or how it makes me, but as you can see, its not too easy to seperate the two. Im not too down just now, and i hope this wasnt a whine; i just need good strong tangible solutions to tangible problems, leaving aside the mental woe just now
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 00:57   #2
Dace
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Re: My situation

tldr
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 01:22   #3
meglamaniac
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Re: My situation

I don't really know what to say to that, other than that with family (and especially parents) like that, it's not surprising you have an issue or two of your own.
I know it's probably impossible right now, but the sooner you can get out of that house the better. You all seem to be feeding off each other's problems in a spectacular downwards spiral.
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 01:31   #4
Dace
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Re: My situation

Problem 2 first. If i were you i'd try and arrange a two bed flat for next year. From what you said earlier you felt that the stress of the flat situation was bad for your mental health. **** that shit for next year. It's your 4th year and you'll need the quiet anyway. Also it'll be extra stress for you trying to arrange 3 other people (and you'll be having to do that on your own from what you say). Again **** that shit. Worse comes to worse your friend decides that she doesnt want to stay in a 2 bed with just you ... "fine" ... it'll be a hell of alot easier to get one other flat mate rather than 3.

Attending to problem 2 now (as in this week) will also relieve the stress of problem 1. You said your dad was putting pressure on you to do well at Uni ... "well fine" ... turn it slightly back on him. Uni will be ****ed up if you don't get a place to stay. You have the best chance of getting someplace good (someplace maybe near the Uni library ... maybe use that argument) if you start your search now. I don't know if what your dad's like to you is just because of the fact that he thinks your lounging around all day but if he can see your actually "doing something" it might take the stress off. You'll prolly get a week out of it anyway (?).

Job wise ... take a look at your finances. Figure out exactly what money you have and what money you owe. Go back over last years pay checks from the summer (if you don't keep your bank statements see if the bank can give you copies ... they'll prolly charge you but nevermind). That way you can say to your dad "look this is how much i made last year. I really didn't like it. If i stay in academia this is how much i'm gonna earn when i finish. Please dont try and force me into getting a job with people i know i don't like working with and for." You've done these kinda jobs before. Maybe it'll make an impression on your dad. At least if you present a good argument he might look more favourably on it. I dont know your dad or your family dynamics though.

If it's the fact that you're just gonna be lazing about the house all day that pisses off your dad show him you're gonna mean business next year and get all the books you need and start reading them now (this might also solve problem 3 ... well worry wise anyway). Do the study at the kitchen table so your dad KNOWS you're not messing about on the net or whatever. Give yourself set hours for study and stick to them.

If it's the fact that you wont be earning money ... "how rich is your grandfather?". Is he rich enough to partially subsidise you atm. I mean something like £20 a week or whatever. Talk to your grandpa (he might be more understanding about your situation). Tell him it's not the fact that you don't want to work it's the type of place you'll end up working in doing a summer job that you cant stand. Arrange some sort of contract agreeing to pay him back within 2 (3?) years of graduating. That might solve the problem (then again it might excerbate the situation ... i don't know what your dad thinks of "hand outs" or your grandpa *shrug*)

Also job wise ... what about work on the net. I can't remember that programme thing from amazon or google or whoever it is but you click what photo you think is best. I think i worked out that would earn about £4 an hour. If you're doing nothing else it might be an option to get some extra money (as mind crushingly boring as it'll be at least you wont have to deal with the general public).

Problem 3 ... i know it's easy for me to say but try not to stress about Uni dude. You're a bright guy. You've done well so far. You'll do well in the future. Also comparing yourself to the GD debaters is a bit daft. You're younger than them. They've had time to shape their arguments and that's what you're basically seeing here (sorry guys if i'm putting you down). The debaters hold certain beliefs. They can remember certain facts relevent to their beliefs. The debates that cycle through here just seem to be rehashed stuff over and over again*. As i said i wouldn't compare yourself to these kinda debates.
















*apart from when i say something because i'm the best God damn debater the world has ever seen ... EVER
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 01:32   #5
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Re: My situation

****ING 35 MINUTES IT TOOK ME TO WRITE THAT!

Sadly it wasnt as long as Yahwe takes to write his good big posts :(

I think that's why i'm not as good a poster as him ;'''(
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 01:45   #6
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Re: My situation

Go talk to your grandfather. From what I can see, he's probably the person with the greatest interest in you - the one wanting you to do well. Spend a few days with him, open up to him and try to explain your problems like you did just now.

I agree with megla - the more time that you spend away from your parents, the better. I don't think it's a positive environment for you. However, this is a long-term thing, something which you can't change immediately.

Don't get worried about the debates on here. The 'heavyweights' on this forum all have their own problems, and while they may be able to write at a high level on complex issues, we all have tricky lives off the forum. You are not the only one.

Take up a hobby, something outside of your house. Running's always good, since it can also get you up in the morning. The end of a run generally makes you feel good about yourself, so this would be a plus as well.


On the job front: you don't have to work in retail once you finish university. There's a lot of professional (in this context, office-based) jobs out there which would appreciate someone with your academic skills.


Try to dedicate certain days to completing the things that you need to do. A few days can be spent trying to sort out your flat for the next academic year, you can take a week to try to decide your future. Those in recruitment on this forum can probably help you more on this though. Managing your day is difficult - I suffer from it. I can just sit at the internet for hours on end doing absolutely ****-all. So get out of the house. Go to the local library - they have work areas where you won't be disturbed. What I'm trying to say is that the more time you spend away from the negative areas in your life (home, your family - the place that many of your problems are centred around), the better.


So - you can do something about these things, and you're not alone in having difficulties in doing them. Support is available from varying sources, even those that you wouldn't expect it from.
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 01:47   #7
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
****ING 35 MINUTES IT TOOK ME TO WRITE THAT!

Sadly it wasnt as long as Yahwe takes to write his good big posts

I think that's why i'm not as good a poster as him ;'''(
20-25 minutes for me!
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 01:54   #8
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by furball
20-25 minutes for me!


Yeah but i wrote 812 words and you only wrote 381 words which means i care more than twice what you care and that's SCIENTIFIC FACT!
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 01:58   #9
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
Yeah but i wrote 812 words and you only wrote 381 words which means i care more than twice what you care and that's SCIENTIFIC FACT!
Yeah well SCIENCE DOESN'T EXIST because the Earth was created in 7 days by God. All of this evolution shit is just there to mislead you, YOU HEATHEN!!!!









(shall we stop fagging up this thread now?)
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 02:01   #10
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Re: My situation

let's
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 05:39   #11
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Re: My situation

I will give a fk off long reply tomoz when i get up but on your point of knowledge dace is right. To a certain extent theres many on here who are years older than you and have not only a fair bit of knowledge in there mind but are constantly learning new things etc. Its like myself, I may not know much but I could give anyone a run in talking about the political relations of Japan and Russia (especially the Kurile islands) and talking about the former Yugoslavia (especially Tito) but thats exactly what Ive found uni has done to me. A batchelors is weird. In my first two years it felt as though I knew nothing, then come my third year when I wrote my dissertation and specialised in certain fields pieces came together and its weird how indepth I knew certain things.

For example I was at a festival thing at our university and amongst my friends for about 20 minutes I ranted about why we should be supporting the lecturers, there was a good 10-15 of us. At the end people said "wow you sounded really intellectual and like a professor" Fact of the matter is because I had studied politcs I could relate that to the discussion and as I talked I kept on remembering random bits of marx et al and throwing it into the mixer.

I bet if someone spoke to you about one of your core subjects you could ramble on for hours. I know I could and so could many others here.
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 07:50   #12
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Re: My situation

If I was in your situation I would try to minimise contact with people who bring you down / give you stress / etc. Your parents sound like they're certainly not contributing to your mental health and I'd get away from them (in fact, I'd totally cut them out of my life, but that's probably not possible for you).

Speak to your grandfather, try to secure some sort of funding which will help you avoid working. Don't work just because other people want you to. If you do need to do it for financial reasons you might want to keep it to just one shift a week. There's nothing shameful from receiving support when you need it - so long as you would be willing to help someone if the roles were reversed. I also wouldn't worry about the debt thing - speaking as someone who has now reached the end of the credit line and is defaulting on 70% of my debts you realise how laughably little "they" can actually do.

If you don't have any friends you can live with you should try to share with some random. Yeah, it'll be annoying but if you just avoid their drama/shit it'll be bearable and you can focus on trying to keep stable without being sucked into your families shit.

Finally, I think you might be overestimating the amount of work a Masters represents. Yes, you might not be able to work on it and yes if you're having some sort of breakdown through the course it will cause problems. But a Masters isn't a PhD (and even most of the PhD people I've met spend a suspicious amount of time on the piss anyway) - it's a more like a slightly more focused indepth batchelors degree - with a small number of retards filtered out. It's not like you'd need to be reading every hour your awake - although of course you will need to be interested int he subject.

I barely know you of course, but from your posts on this forum I'd certainly assume you could easily pass a Masters without too much effort. I would say that you might want to develop (or at least publicly discuss more) your own world-view a little more clearly - that's generally what makes me respect people on this forum, not that they can ream off loads of facts.

In terms of studies, I agree that you might want to consider studying abroad if it's financially feasible. Don't be afraid to look out for scholarships, etc - apply for anything and everything which you get the opportunity to. No-one get's any "Rugged Individualist" award at the end of life for not getting any help.
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 09:43   #13
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by idimmu
tell your parents about your mental state you fool
Yeah, seconded. Theres really no reason why you should help them maintain their illusions if its hurting you that much. Being 'altruistic' is generally a terrible idea when its having a bad effect on you.

As a relatlveiy minor point, why do you want to do a masters? If youre sure you want to do the 'life in academia' thing, it may be better just applying for a Ph.D immediately rather than dropping 3K on a masters degree. You might find that you need to have a masters in order to get into a good Ph.D program, but I'd advise you to check first to see if this is actually the case. I'd also advise you to do some proper research on what a Ph.D , and an academic career in general, actually involves, because it might not be as much sunshine and bliss as you think.

Last edited by Nodrog; 6 Jun 2006 at 09:58.
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 10:27   #14
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by idimmu
Edit Edit: Also what Nodrog said about the Masters is correct. Masters exist for only 2 reasons, 1) for people who got bad batchelor degrees to go on and do another year in order to look better on paper and 2) to swindle foreign students out of a shit load of money.
3) As a 1 year conversion course for people wanting to change their field of study.

For example if you done a math degree and wanted to do a Ph.D in computer science afterwards, I think you may be asked to do a comp sci masters first (although I'm not sure about this).
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 10:54   #15
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodrog
As a relatlveiy minor point, why do you want to do a masters? If youre sure you want to do the 'life in academia' thing, it may be better just applying for a Ph.D immediately rather than dropping 3K on a masters degree. You might find that you need to have a masters in order to get into a good Ph.D program, but I'd advise you to check first to see if this is actually the case. I'd also advise you to do some proper research on what a Ph.D , and an academic career in general, actually involves, because it might not be as much sunshine and bliss as you think.
From what little i understand about non-science subjects, doing a masters before a PhD seems to be routine unlike in science where you jump straight in to a PhD. Doing a masters isnt necessarily such a waste. It gives you a chance to focus your studies or change directions slightly (thats why i did a masters) before committing your life for 3/4/5 years. You might be able to get some kind of bursary to cover some of the costs of a masters and i'm sure you could find a funded phd. I think the minimum amount a funding body can give you is £12k.
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 11:54   #16
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
Problem 2 first. If i were you i'd try and arrange a two bed flat for next year.



If it's the fact that you wont be earning money ... "how rich is your grandfather?". Is he rich enough to partially subsidise you atm. I mean something like £20 a week or whatever. Talk to your grandpa (he might be more understanding about your situation). Tell him it's not the fact that you don't want to work it's the type of place you'll end up working in doing a summer job that you cant stand. Arrange some sort of contract agreeing to pay him back within 2 (3?) years of graduating. That might solve the problem (then again it might excerbate the situation ... i don't know what your dad thinks of "hand outs" or your grandpa *shrug*)

Also job wise ... what about work on the net. I can't remember that programme thing from amazon or google or whoever it is but you click what photo you think is best. I think i worked out that would earn about £4 an hour. If you're doing nothing else it might be an option to get some extra money (as mind crushingly boring as it'll be at least you wont have to deal with the general public).
You're entirely right about the flat, its time for me to take a hard line, sort out a 2, put it on a plate for her, theres no way i can sort out a 5.

He is "very" rich, but not only do i not see him more than 2/3 times a year, he built a business from scratch, and is not in any way understanding about my mum's CD, or my auntie's MD - he'll probably put it down to work ethic. Dont misunderstand, we arent "close", hes just a financial backer. He wouldnt want paid back, and im not sure he'll even be alive in a couple of years, if im being frank. He is though, genuine about seeing his grandkids do well.

This internet thing sounds like a ****ing amazing idea, do you or does anyone else have any further info?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
If I was in your situation I would try to minimise contact with people who bring you down / give you stress / etc. Your parents sound like they're certainly not contributing to your mental health and I'd get away from them (in fact, I'd totally cut them out of my life, but that's probably not possible for you).

Speak to your grandfather, try to secure some sort of funding which will help you avoid working. Don't work just because other people want you to.

Finally, I think you might be overestimating the amount of work a Masters represents.
Cutting them out my life is a long term plan, my friend. Im not staying in this city or this country longer than i have to, but for now, its a reality i have to deal with.

I can secure funding just by talking to him, the problem is more than i need to be seen to be busy by my parents rather than a financial one.

Maybe, but as i havent done one, it seems magical, and far away. In my uni, i am good at politics - i will come out of uni with a 2/1, and maybe a first if i get a couple of breaks. Im realistic about my relative intelligence - i know im in the top 10% of my year but not the top 5% - but its always disheartening to read another uni's exam paper and realise you dont know what its about. I've clung too much to "one thing" in the past, and im determined not to put all my eggs in the "Im good at what i do" basket.

Quote:
Originally Posted by idimmu / Nodrog
Yeah, seconded. Theres really no reason why you should help them maintain their illusions if its hurting you that much. Being 'altruistic' is generally a terrible idea when its having a bad effect on you.

As a relatlveiy minor point, why do you want to do a masters? If youre sure you want to do the 'life in academia' thing, it may be better just applying for a Ph.D immediately rather than dropping 3K on a masters degree. You might find that you need to have a masters in order to get into a good Ph.D program, but I'd advise you to check first to see if this is actually the case. I'd also advise you to do some proper research on what a Ph.D , and an academic career in general, actually involves, because it might not be as much sunshine and bliss as you think.
Like i said, i dont know how it would go down. My honest to god first thought? Is that they wouldnt ****ing believe me, that they are that sure they know me better than i know myself, like i'm still a ****ing toddler. Despite this family's experience with depression, i feel if i went downstairs and admitted how i feel, i would get a realist rebuke of "Get on with it". I can already visualise myself panicking and having to try and shock them into submission - show them the scars, start exaggerating or telling them things i never wanted to tell them - nah, theres absolutely no way its a good idea. If i played my "trump card" and it failed, where would that leave me? I dont want any mental or emotional support from them, i've never received or relied on it, and i dont see any reason to start now.

I want to do a masters because i dont know what else to do - i am in no position to get a job in one year's time. I certainly dont think it is "sunshine and bliss" but it kicks the **** out of the alternatives. As to going straight onto a Phd, its a possibility i hadnt put much thought into, because, for one, i'm still 20, and my knowledge / life experience is limited and writing a thesis at 21 could be seriously difficult. My lecturer also said to me "you have to do a masters" (i didnt come to talk about postgrads, he was just praising me for fun) and suggested that i might be overqualified with a Phd.

I dont know what you meant about condascending and selfish idi, because i dont let my parents in, or dont give them any credit? Not overly sure thats accurate, after all, i'm their first born, and they are putting undue pressure on me which they should have worked out by now i cant handle.
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 12:39   #17
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deffeh
He is "very" rich, but not only do i not see him more than 2/3 times a year, he built a business from scratch, and is not in any way understanding about my mum's CD, or my auntie's MD - he'll probably put it down to work ethic. Dont misunderstand, we arent "close", hes just a financial backer. He wouldnt want paid back, and im not sure he'll even be alive in a couple of years, if im being frank. He is though, genuine about seeing his grandkids do well.
In other words, he's a reasonable 'no-shit' kinda person? From my experience, people like that will respect you for asking for money; as long as you do it in 'no-shit' kinda way. Be humble, but don't beg; ask. Tell him what you will be able to do with the money and why it will help etc. Don't go for sympathy.
Quote:
Cutting them out my life is a long term plan, my friend. Im not staying in this city or this country longer than i have to, but for now, its a reality i have to deal with.
You're in shitty situation, and the situation is somewhat familiar to me. It sounds like you need to set your father straight, but given all the issues he probably has don't go for the whole 'blowing up; going to set everything straight'. I don't know how reflective/intelligent your father is, but although ****ed up you come off as reasonably sane; so find out how much your father can handle and give it to him.. else it's just going to get worse (unlike being the go-between between your mother and her parents; which is just going to stay the same for all f*cking eternity).
Quote:
I can secure funding just by talking to him, the problem is more than i need to be seen to be busy by my parents rather than a financial one.
Then get busy: Study.. or pretend to study and read something interesting. Either way, it won't be goofing of.
Quote:
Like i said, i dont know how it would go down. My honest to god first thought? Is that they wouldnt ****ing believe me, that they are that sure they know me better than i know myself, like i'm still a ****ing toddler. Despite this family's experience with depression, i feel if i went downstairs and admitted how i feel, i would get a realist rebuke of "Get on with it". I can already visualise myself panicking and having to try and shock them into submission - show them the scars, start exaggerating or telling them things i never wanted to tell them - nah, theres absolutely no way its a good idea. If i played my "trump card" and it failed, where would that leave me? I dont want any mental or emotional support from them, i've never received or relied on it, and i dont see any reason to start now.
Which is why you need to approach it rationally and tell them how it is. Show them scars if you need to, but don't be melodramatic. That way, you won't burn any bridges and if they continue to complain, it'll be easier to handle since 'you already did your part in telling them how the land is'.
Quote:
I want to do a masters because i dont know what else to do - i am in no
I dont know what you meant about condascending and selfish idi, because i dont let my parents in, or dont give them any credit? Not overly sure thats accurate, after all, i'm their first born, and they are putting undue pressure on me which they should have worked out by now i cant handle.
Your parents are ****ed up. Everybodys parents are ****ed up, and there's always somebody with a worse story. I'll trade you my schizo mother any day.

Just try to act sanely and if they can't take it, it's their fault. With mental people, you can't except them to take hints: no matter how obvious. If there is some sanity left in them; you can't over expect them to understand things rationally explained to them (even mental shit about feelings and stuff).
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 13:31   #18
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by idimmu
And stop all the drinking smoking and drugs
I agree. Mainly because you don't actually seem to be enjoying it.
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 14:16   #19
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Re: My situation

i dont smoke. i thoroughly enjoy drinking but i have cut down because its expensive, because it makes me look like a freeloader, and because its bad for my fitness, and i know the fitter you are, the better you feel. As to drugs, i cant handle the comedowns, but i ****ing love them. I quit even smoking dope for a year, but i cant say the difference was noticeable enough to make it worth it.

Thanks to all respondees; but i'm still looking for an immediate answer to job issues. The internet thing dace mentioned is interesting, ive seen tonnes of these "work from home" scams, but does anyone have any experience of any of these that work?
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 14:21   #20
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Re: My situation

To give another angle on the parents issue. It seems unlikely to me that they could have raised you (however poorly) and not know that you have a tendancy towards depression. While keeping the details from your Dad may seem easier, it is often the case that ignorance breeds far more fear and distrust than knowing. At least what is known can be faced. Is it possible that your Dad is worried that unless you're pushed you'll end up like your mother?

If, on reflection, you feel that may be the case then it may be worth telling him some part of the truth. Then tell him your intentions for the summer and the future. If he has something concrete to deal with and thinks that you have a plan he may well get off your back. If not I don't see how you'll have lost anything.

Your mum is a almost certainly a lost cause and further interaction with her on a grown up, intellectual level seems pointless. Your post seems to imply that she henpecks you on the same issues your father does. If that is the case then you have the option of telling her that you'll gladly have an adult discussion with her if she puts on clothes and comes downstairs.

edit: A job option would also be to work in Industrial Security. High turnover rates are the norm so seasonal work is common and there will be no-one to bother you in some shithole factory in the middle of an Industrial Estate. Depends on how you feel about "working" nights though.
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 14:35   #21
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deffeh
Thanks to all respondees; but i'm still looking for an immediate answer to job issues. The internet thing dace mentioned is interesting, ive seen tonnes of these "work from home" scams, but does anyone have any experience of any of these that work?


Sadly, i still can't remember the name of the thing. I'm pretty sure it was google or amazon that ran it. What happened was you got shown 5 pictures and you had to choose which one best represented "X" (apparantly this is a job which is easier for humans rather than computers to do). You got paid in vouchers (i think) for amazon or someplace. I was linked to it by somebody in #forums so somebody here will definately know what i'm talking about (if i've described it well enough).

Also being a security guard on an industrial estate is a good suggestion. I think my Uncle did it for a summer or something. Basically you sit in a hut and do **** all. Maybe Nod can shed some light on it (although if i remember my stories correctly he was the person who let the cars into the car park although i could be wrong). Even doing one shift (12 hours) a week at £6 or £7 an hour would be pretty cool.

Also what about being a postie? I'm not sure how many people you would have to interact with tho *shrug*
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 17:37   #22
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
Sadly, i still can't remember the name of the thing. I'm pretty sure it was google or amazon that ran it. What happened was you got shown 5 pictures and you had to choose which one best represented "X" (apparantly this is a job which is easier for humans rather than computers to do). You got paid in vouchers (i think) for amazon or someplace. I was linked to it by somebody in #forums so somebody here will definately know what i'm talking about (if i've described it well enough).
http://www.mturk.com/mturk/welcome

It's called "Mechanical Turk" and is indeed run by Amazon.

I have no idea how good it is but lots of people on here and SA were talking about it a year or so ago.
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 18:41   #23
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Re: My situation

thanks for finding it; but it looks rubbish. Most of the surveys are either irrelevant "restraunts in seattle", or pay $0.01. i can make more money than that walking down the street and picking up pennies.


A development.

My austrian cousin is coming over to stay, and will probably be sleeping in my room. This = added unbelievable pressure, and has come completely out of the blue. I havent seen him in 7 years, and now i'm going to have to entertain him 24/7, somehow. Im going to have to be "up" all hours of the day, and play smiling host to someone i havent seen since i was 13. I will also have to stop him from seeing my mum over the entire time he's going to be here, because she refuses to see anyone outside me, my dad, and my brother, and will then play go between between everyone as usual. I wont have any time to myself, any privacy, etc etc. I also dont know how long hes staying - could be 2 days, could be 2 weeks. Awesome stuff, i cant seem to catch a farkin break
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 19:19   #24
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deffeh
thanks for finding it; but it looks rubbish. Most of the surveys are either irrelevant "restraunts in seattle", or pay $0.01. i can make more money than that walking down the street and picking up pennies.
In London the streets are paved with gold, but in Glasgow they're littered with pennies!
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 19:36   #25
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Re: My situation

I think you need to be totally selfish about your life. Anything thats gonna piss you off, don't do it. Anything that puts you in a position where your living up to expectations, don't do it. You seem to be running round trying to make sure nobody's ever hurt by your actions. Then every ****er does the opposite. You need to clue them in about your position, its not right that your family doesn't know about your problem's but we, a random bunch of Internet gamers, do. They've got an excuse until you tell them.

I failed my GCSE's, failed college, picked up my student loan then proceeded to fail uni. There really is nothing you can do today, that will ruin your life tomorrow, take risks, half the people you'd meet if you worked would be cocks, if your lucky. Who knows? Maybe the other half would be alright. Don't overthink everything, remember its not that bad.

Anyway, there's my rubbish general advice for ya.

More specifically, I really don't know how it would feel to be in your position, adding to the general down feeling of being unemployed without much to do, having actual depression must be very difficult. I was unemployed for a year or so with parents bitching. The thought of starting a new job literally gave me butterfly's, then I got a job, and it was nothing, I think once your in a routine you'll be really suprised how easy everything gets.

How good is your typing? I would expect that without much bother you could get a data entry job. I could easily give you a list of agency's. The advantage is it really is a sellers market. Your selling your typing skills and if your half decent (and you've got a brain! they'd love you!) you could be on 5.50 an hour doing random accounts work.

Its not intellectually challenging in the slightest, but get lucky and you can get a job where you've got Internet time, can work with a personal stereo, and pretty much take holidays when you want.

The thing I found out when I first joined "the big bad world" and got a job was, everybody out there is just as stupid as you think. You can walk into the average office and impress them by doing the simplest of things. Smile at people (I know it sounds tricky but you can train your face) and they'll love you.

Other than that I have no experience with the completion of any sort of degree. Studying in France would be pretty much the nicest time a human could ever have I suspect. Although I presume your only looking at English speaking uni's.

I think a complete change is what your probably after, a friend of mine managed to become an English teacher in Japan with no knowledge of the Japanese language. Japan sounds pretty amazing and you could maybe fit it in between your degree and masters/phd.

Hope you work it out. (sort your parents out, if you do it by letter they can't not listen, maybe something to look forward to before going to uni this year?)
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Unread 6 Jun 2006, 20:01   #26
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Re: My situation

You could find that getting the flat issue sorted will help you in dealing with the other two. By that i mean that it will be one less worry on your mind so you caxn forget about it and focus more on sorting out the other 2.

I would worry about yourself first before you worry about your friend. I used to spend time waiting around on other people and to be honest its never worth it. Look after yourself first if shes being difficult and indecisive its not your problem its hers(harsh but true).

Try getting in contact with Stirling Uni housing/accommodation department they produce a list of accommodation available every fortnight(i think its in AK Davidson hall if i remember correctly). If your 4th year you can apply to live in one of the chalets on campus which arent too bad actually. Bit noisey with the thin walls mind. The plus side of the chalets are that they are near to Corrierries(or however the hell its spelled) Ice cream cafe which has its benefits.

As for the money issue for the masters, i always found the careers office in Stirling uni really helpful and they have a reputation for being one of the best in the country. Make an appointment and go see them you would be surprised at all the different places you can get funding or partial funding from(trust funds etc). I'm sure they have piles of information about funding sources. I'm sure theres some program you can do which lets you search for trust funds.
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Unread 7 Jun 2006, 00:42   #27
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Re: My situation

Some job specifically require a masters, but I have to agree with the fact that I have not learned anything worth the money I am spending. I think this summer's courses in metadata and website usability and human computer interfaces look promising though.
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Unread 7 Jun 2006, 13:10   #28
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by horn
i have a similar problem in dealing with the public, i find it incredibly hard to talk/smile, or at least try and feign a genuine smile or tone of voice that sounds enthusiastic
heh, i have that too. when i worked in some club here, colleagues and customers asked me every 10 minutes to smile. but i can't, i just can't*.





*atleast not when doing a shit job, being surrounded by shit, drunk people.
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Unread 7 Jun 2006, 13:30   #29
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Re: My situation

Quote:
heh, i have that too. when i worked in some club here, colleagues and customers asked me every 10 minutes to smile. but i can't, i just can't*.





*atleast not when im not running around with a hockey stick hitting a ball and knowing ill be heading to the showers with other sweaty men in a matter of mere minutes.

:eep:
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Unread 7 Jun 2006, 13:59   #30
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Re: My situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deffeh
He is "very" rich, but not only do i not see him more than 2/3 times a year, he built a business from scratch, and is not in any way understanding about my mum's CD, or my auntie's MD - he'll probably put it down to work ethic. Dont misunderstand, we arent "close", hes just a financial backer. He wouldnt want paid back, and im not sure he'll even be alive in a couple of years, if im being frank. He is though, genuine about seeing his grandkids do well.
Why dont you ask your grandfather if you can work with him for a day or to each week for the 3 months as a way of saying thank you for his help so far? Dont ask for payment tell him you want to learn how he setup his business and maintains it. Use this opportunity to keep yourself occupied while spending time with someone your should or will want to get to know better and more importantly someone your can talk to about your problems.

He will think good of you for doing this and see that his money is shaping an appreciative young man. He will probably want to help you out financially during these 3 months but dont expect it.

Maybe you could stay with your grandfather for a few weeks/months until uni, this would alleviate some of the home pressures you are facing?

As you spend more time with your gramps you will find it easy to talk to him about things, like you did in your post. Get his advice. He might not be sympathic to your mothers plight but he will look upon you differently, he will want to help especially if he really does value your future.

I dont know if any of this will help but its something worth considering.
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Unread 7 Jun 2006, 18:22   #31
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Re: My situation

Based on nearly 60 years of life experience (almost meaningless) I have found that the real stress is in making a decision. Any decision. Living with the effects of most decisions is far easier than contemplating all of the possibilities and complexities in deciding.

Pick out one problem (apparently you have DECIDED to deal with the flat problem first and have made a decision to go for a 2 person situation.) and make a decision. When you decided to deal with the flat situation you probably noticed a drop in your stress. When you decided to go for a two-person situation you probably noticed a drop in your stress.

After you have finished dealing with that situation move on to the next decision. Take the easiest first and work your way along.

Life is large. Don't try to swallow it all at once. Break it up into bite size pieces which aren't so difficult to deal with.

Good luck.
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Unread 7 Jun 2006, 19:35   #32
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Re: My situation

I think I'm going to be voting for dda if anyone starts a 'first usefull advice given in the deffeh-thread'-poll..
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Unread 7 Jun 2006, 22:39   #33
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Re: My situation

Can you go and live with your grandparents or other relatives to remove yourself from the home environment?
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