Celebrating fatness : The Decfathlon. I need your help.
Ive decided its time to stop discouraging gluttony. We should stop denying one of our few primal pleasures.
So ive come up with an alternative Decathlon. A Decfathlon if you will. Im half hoping to compile this tournament in real life if i can, and compete in it too obviously. Im also fairly sure i can drum up at least 6 or 7 mates to take part in it with me.
THE DECFATHLON
1. The Pizzathon
Contestants Get an 8” pizza from the 3 in one, and stand at the corner of swansons. Upon starting, contestants run the track, from the corner of swansons, to the phone box opposite Lomondside. The pizza must be finished and digested fully for the clock to be stopped. Dropping the pizza or being sick results in disqualification. Best time wins.
2. The Big Sang-witch
Contestants build the most ridiculous sandwich they can. The bigger the sandwich, the better. However, failing to eat the sandwich you build yourself in under 5 minutes results in disqualification. Thus finding the right size is imperative. Sizes are judged in height terms, when the sandwich is flatted down with one hand’s force. The person who eats the biggest sandwich is the winner.
3. That’s a cracker
Contestants each bring a packet of crackers. Upon go, they power into the crackers they have brought. The person who can eat the most crackers in 5 minutes wins. No water allowed, all crackers must be fully digested to count, only stuffing one into your mouth at a time.
4. Fluffy Bunny
Contestants play fluffy bunny, and are fed wotsits (or other cheap food, maybe even crackers again). The person to hold the most wotsit packets / crackers in their mouth and still able to say “fluffy bunny” properly wins.
5. Chocolate Drops
Contestants hands are tied behind their backs, in the middle of a room. They are placed next to a tube of smarties. Using only their mouth, they have to open and eat all the smarties in the quickest possible time. All smarties must be eaten.
6. The Steak Out
At a BBQ, contestants have to keep up with each other eating various foods. Round one will be waffles, round two sausages, round 3 burgers, round 4 steaks, and later rounds will be multiples of whatevers left. Rounds will be every 10 minutes. Whoever lasts longest, wins.
7. Grub Crawl
Starting from RS McColl, on a route potentially leading to Persepolis, contestants have to walk into every newsagents / convenience shop / crisp selling shop, and buy a packet of golden wonder or walkers crisps. Contestants being sick are kicked out, contestants unable to finish their crisps are out of the competition. The crawl continues until only one person is left. If the contestants reach persepolis, a donner meat and chips is the tie. Either the quickest eater, or the one who eats most is the winner.
8. In a right pickle
A simple flat out pickle eating competition. Jars of pickles in the centre of a round table, contestants each eat one as the jar comes round. Being sick, or being unable to put a pickle in your mouth, or having not finished your previous pickle when the jar comes to you = disqualification. Last one standing wins.
So thats eight events. I need another two. And once more i turn to you, the good people of GD. I'll pick any two that are interesting, original, comedy, and fattening.
Ave it
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Believe in me, cause i don't believe in anything
And i wanna be someone, to believe, to believe in
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