Again at the public helpdesk

[SilverSmoke]

Me: Good Afternoon How can I help you?
client: I have received this taxbill which shouldnt be on my name as I am not the owner of the building, I am the user.
Me: Well, it's a tax for users, not owners.
client: But I am not owning this building, just using it to live in.
Me: As I said, thats the reason why you are receiving this taxbill.
client: But why is it like this??? I dont own this house!
me: Because you are poluting the water to put it like that and not the owner, that's why its a user's tax.
client: look at this contract, it says the owner should pay it!
me: it says you should pay the owner a montly rent of 425 euro..
client: It's not fair! I have to pay a lot of crap each year!!



jesus ****ing christ

[Snurx]

Get guns. That's the way to salvation!

[MrL_JaKiri]

#support for all your helpdesk forum needs.

[SilverSmoke]

me: Lo, how can I help you
nasty looking lowlife: I just received a message I dont have to pay this bill because my income is below the minimum so I want my money back. Cash please because I dont have any kind of bank account.
me: And you don't know anyone with a bank account, family or something.
nasty looking lowlife: Certainly not no (looking at me like he just archieved a victory or something)
me: Can you show me that letter you received from us please.
nasty looking lowlife: you see, you guys should give me back 139 euro because I dont have to pay.
me: I'll look it up in our administration.
me: It seems you never payed this bill at all, Its just been reduced to zero because your request of full reduction has been granted due to your minimal income.
nasty looking lowlife: aaaah yes, I must have mixed it with that other tax, I'll run to their office right away! Bye! thanks for helping!



If I have to do this more then once a week I'll quit this job

[Dante Hicks]

Just earlier :

Tenant : I'd like to speak to my housing officer please.
Me : Certainly. <Take her details>
Me : <After checking the system, realise I've spoken to her last week> Is this regarding your move again?
Tenant : Yes.
Me : Well, when I asked your housing officer last time we spoke she said it was lettings.
Tenant : Oh. I see.
Me : Do you recall me telling you this?
Tenant : But I'd like to speak to her.
Me : OK, sure. What's it regarding?
Tenant : A query.
Me : Yes, but what? Is it about your move?
Tenant : Yes.
Me : OK. Well I can try to put you through, but I think that, as I explained, is lettings.
Tenant : Hmmm. Well, I've got a query.
Me : What is the query though?
Tenant : Well, you obviously can't help.
Me : Why do you say obviously?
Tenant : Because you haven't answered it yet.
Me : To be fair, you haven't actually told me what it is yet.
etc,etc,etc...

[Fifth_teletubbie]

Things dont get any better when the people you have to deal with are educated (well, if you can call 'business administration' an education) professionals (if you can call being a manager a profession).

I suddenly see the attraction of becoming a vet.

[Little Timmy]

Originally posted by Fifth_teletubbie
Things dont get any better when the people you have to deal with are educated (well, if you can call 'business administration' an education) professionals (if you can call being a manager a profession).

baaa you IT techie type people think you always know best

Anyway yesterdays conversation with a techie over the number of hours worked went something like this

<techie> I am contracted to work a 37.5 hour week !
<me> Yes that correct.
<techie> You've scheduled me to work 08:00 - 16:30 next week thats not on !! thats over 40 hours !! Im not doing that !
<me> hmmm do you have a lunch break ?
<techie> of course I always have an hour lunch
<me> you know your lunch break is unpaid ?
<techie> yes of course I know that, Im not stupid !!!
<me> ok would you like a piece of paper so you can work out what number of hours you are actually working ?
<techie> I dont need paper Im an MCP !!
<me> ok so how many hours are you working ?
<techie>.....erm sorry boss


These are the guys that customers ring for help !! god help ya

[inf]

I rang singapore but they didn't answer

[W]

I've had three "can't you just fix it?" customers today, don't start.

[Rids]

I dont have to go back to helping complete ****ing idiots with their mobile phones until monday.

And I'm already dreading it.

[Fifth_teletubbie]

Originally posted by Little Timmy
baaa you IT techie type people think you always know best

Anyway yesterdays conversation with a techie over the number of hours worked went something like this

<techie> I am contracted to work a 37.5 hour week !
<me> Yes that correct.
<techie> You've scheduled me to work 08:00 - 16:30 next week thats not on !! thats over 40 hours !! Im not doing that !
<me> hmmm do you have a lunch break ?
<techie> of course I always have an hour lunch
<me> you know your lunch break is unpaid ?
<techie> yes of course I know that, Im not stupid !!!
<me> ok would you like a piece of paper so you can work out what number of hours you are actually working ?
<techie> I dont need paper Im an MCP !!
<me> ok so how many hours are you working ?
<techie>.....erm sorry boss


These are the guys that customers ring for help !! god help ya

You filthy management types are all just jealous because even though you're technically my 'superior', I make twice the money (and I drive a nicer car)

This actually happened this very morning

Manager: hi, I've just read this project estimate you wrote, and it costs too much.
Me: Ok.
=silence=
Manager: Did you hear me ? I said it was too expensive.
Me: I heard you.
Manager: So?
Me: So, good luck finding a cheaper solution to your problem then.
Manager: No, you have to lower your estimates.
Me: Why? Because they dont fit with what you want to hear? Then why ask me to do an analysis in the first place?
Manager: Because yuo're the expert (suck up mode detected)
Me: I know. And my expertise tells me it will cost about as much as I have put down in my report.
Manager: That is unacceptable.
Me: Fine. Then like I said, find a different solution. If it isnt cost-effective, dont do it. You're the business manager, you should know.
Manager: I'm going to contact your division manager (bully mode detected)
Me: Ok.*
=silence=

etc etc etc etc

I have no ulterior motive for raising the estimate for this project, and it is to be done on an after-calculation basis anyway.
What it apparently comes down to is that the above manager would rather get approval first, then explain later why there was an overrun instead of having to fight now to get the approval in the first place.
The reason for this is, of course, that overruns can more easily be blamed on 'lazy' analysts and programmers.

*: which will be an interesting conversation since I AM the division manager ever since the latest cutbacks (of a whopping 4-man division, heh).

[Vaio]

Today not 30 minutes ago

Muppet : The printer isnt working

Me : What doesn't it do ?

Muppet : Well print

Me : Is this the printer you wanted moving yesterday and I asked you wait until tomorrow so I could do it then ?

Muppet : Yes

Me : Did you move it yourself ?

Muppet : Yes

Me : Did you plug all the cables back in ?

Muppet : Yes

Me : So why were they not plugged back in when I was over there 45 minutes ago ?

Muppet : Someone must have unplugged them then.

Me : You are a muppet

Muppet : Puts the phone down

I like to think my skills in handling people are as good as ever

Vaio

[Little Timmy]

Originally posted by Fifth_teletubbie
You filthy management types are all just jealous because even though you're technically my 'superior', I make twice the money (and I drive a nicer car)

Baaaa your a self employed contractor of course you earn more money than the manager.

But no one in my department earns more than me


And one day Rids will tell which building he works in. Seeing that we work for the same company.

[Fifth_teletubbie]

Originally posted by Little Timmy
Baaaa your a self employed contractor of course you earn more money than the manager.

But no one in my department earns more than me

Not anymore

A company that I used to have some dealings with offered me a position with them, and I accepted. (Thats why I only make twice as much, used to be three times )

Originally posted by Rids
I dont have to go back to helping complete ****ing idiots with their mobile phones until monday.

And I'm already dreading it.

I've done that for a few years. It's amasing how dense people are.

It's like, John Doe put on his stupid hat and leave everything else at home when going shopping.

[acropolis]

Customer comes up to me at the front desk

Customer: The copy machine isn't working

Me: Oh? What seems to be the problem?

C: Every copy comes out blank [holds up blank sheet of paper]

M: Let's check it out. [we go over. Customer demonstrates the problem. Places sheet to be copied on top of copy machine, presses print button. Blank sheet of paper is sent out]

C: See?

M: Hmmm. Yes. I think I see the problem. [I take the sheet off the top, open up the top flap, put the sheet face down on the glass, press print. You can guess what happens.] Okay, looks like that worked. It's pretty confusing tho...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I practically have wet dreams of being a complete dick to these people. But I can't bring myself to do it

[Woof]

There is one consulation, You could work on the AOL helpdesk!

[Woof]

Originally posted by Rids
I dont have to go back to helping complete ****ing idiots with their mobile phones until monday.

From an insiders point of view, do orange phone trainers actually suck schlong, or just pretend to?

[Little Timmy]

Originally posted by Woof
From an insiders point of view, do orange phone trainers actually suck schlong, or just pretend to?

Thgey probably do. But I believe Rids works for the biggest Mobile Network company

[Rids]

Originally posted by Little Timmy
Thgey probably do. But I believe Rids works for the biggest Mobile Network company

I do indeed work for the Worlds Largest Global Network in an Expert Friend capicity.

If you also work for the same firm, you will unfortunately understand exactly what I mean by that steaming pile of bollocks, heh.

I dont actually work in the call centres (Thank god) - I'm at the sharp end of the business, Oxford Street 2, the guys getting ****ed in the arse by the new Experience store, heh.

[CrazyConrad]

A user phoned me today telling she had problems with lotus notes mail. I knew what the problem was cause we have had several other calls about the same problem, well anyways.

I wanted to remote control the user to change some setting on her notes (cause telling her what to do would take ages) so here is the conversation:

Me : Can you start net meeting please ??

Her : What is net meeting ??

Me : Its a program that lets me remote control you, if you got the start menu I will tell you where to find it.

Her : Ok

Me : When you have opened your start menu go to programs

Her : Ok

Me : Then go to Accessories

Her : I cant find Accessories

Me : Ok, its at the top somewhere

Her : Its not there

Me : Listen, start at the top and you will find it

Her : (getting abit angry) I tell you aint ther !!

Me : (getting angry back) And I tell it is, ALL windows computers here have Accessories. Are you sure you have opened the whole programs "folder" on the start menu ??

Her : Do you I am stupid ?? (real pissed now)

Me : No, just wanted to make sure.

Her : (alomst screaming) IT AINT THERE !!

Me : At the bottom of the programs folder, are there few arrows pointing down there ??

Her : Yes

Me : Press them please and look for Accessories at the top

Her : (not angry but in a really bad mood) Why didnt you tell me that right away


I have these calls every god damn day :/

[sayonara]

Originally posted by CrazyConrad
I have these calls every god damn day :/

Users are renowned for not being able to use any software that they don't have 5 shortcuts for on the desktop, so it's perhaps not surprising this specimen didn't know about expanded views in the programs menu

[Cmdr_Cyrax]

It really amazes you when you consider that these are the winners in the evolution game...

Originally posted by CrazyConrad
Me : At the bottom of the programs folder, are there few arrows pointing down there ??

I wouldnt blame a user for not understanding this, I'd disable the feature on all windows boxes you administer if I were you.

[roadrunner_0]

Heh, you are in sharp contrast to our IT dept, who, quite frankly, couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, and are constantly getting shouted at by me and my boss for being ****
they are also the most paranoid IT department on earth, they have even disabled our right click facility, just so we cant accidentally change the settings fs

[Marilyn Manson]

Tell them all to shove frozen trouts up their arses. The public is a big piece of collective shiet.

[Little Timmy]

Originally posted by Rids
I do indeed work for the Worlds Largest Global Network in an Expert Friend capicity.

If you also work for the same firm, you will unfortunately understand exactly what I mean by that steaming pile of bollocks, heh.

I dont actually work in the call centres (Thank god) - I'm at the sharp end of the business, Oxford Street 2, the guys getting ****ed in the arse by the new Experience store, heh.

Ill make sure when I have to do one of my "meet the customer" visits ill come to your store

[Leshy]

Originally posted by bink
I wouldnt blame a user for not understanding this, I'd disable the feature on all windows boxes you administer if I were you.

Hell, it's an annoying feature i have even turned off at home.

[CrazyConrad]

Originally posted by bink
I wouldnt blame a user for not understanding this, I'd disable the feature on all windows boxes you administer if I were you.

True but it aint up to us in the servicedesk to decide that...

[Kurashima]

<Moron Customer> Hello , id like to apply for a mortgage with you
<Me> Of course, ill just put you through to one of our personal banking officers
<Moron Customer> But youre the mortgage department.
<Me> Yes, however we have to arrange an appointment for you to meet a PBO in order that you can understand everything associated with our mortgages.
<Moron Customer> Cant i do it over the phone?
<Me> No, because we require original documentation for everything, and thats why we have Personal Banking Officers to discuss Mortgages with clients.
<Moron Customer> Well Barclays arranged everything over the phone.
<Me> And did you fax them your documents
<Moron Customer> Yes , they were happy with that
<Me> So they know their Mortgage agreement isnt legal and binding because they dont have original copies of the documentation?
<Moron Customer> They said it was fine.
<Me> So if Barclays already agreed you an illegal mortgage based on faxed documents, why are you applying to us.
<Moron Customer> Your attitude stinks. I want to speak to your manager
<Me> You have been. Youre on speakerphone to the office.
<Moron Customer> *click*

I swear if i do this job for another 10 years, ill never get another customer who falls for the "Youre on Speakerphone" trick.

Incidentally, the manager did review the call, and whilst technically i broke the rules in about 300 different ways, he couldnt stop laughing long enough to issue me with a warning.