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28 Aug 2003, 18:04
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#1
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Back-Up Joke Needed
For "Hot Date" tonight.
Incase the conversation starts to drag and the only thing that can save it is an incredibly smart, witty joke delivered with expert timing.
Please repond for her sake.
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On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:06
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#2
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Jungle King
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Nottingham
Posts: 123
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so there were two muffins sitting in the oven.......
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when life gives you lemons; you clone those lemons, and make super lemons
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28 Aug 2003, 18:09
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#3
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I'm great!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Leeds
Posts: 388
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You need an anecdote not a joke pah
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If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'da been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?!
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28 Aug 2003, 18:10
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#4
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Guy next door
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 4,745
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Tell her about your sister's stupid questions
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..look
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28 Aug 2003, 18:12
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#5
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by HAL-9000
You need an anecdote not a joke pah
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I have an anecdote (several of them) i need a joke.
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On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:12
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#6
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Old Man O Deh *****s
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: In spelelpee land
Posts: 3,516
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I'd have thought any of pab's gay experiences would be good for a laugh.
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Dead_Meat
You dont need to keep beating a dog to get it to stop shitting on the carpet
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28 Aug 2003, 18:13
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#7
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by SilverSmoke
Tell her about your sister's stupid questions
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WILKO
__________________
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:13
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#8
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,476
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28 Aug 2003, 18:15
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#9
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Guy next door
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 4,745
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dace
WILKO
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google doesnt provide me with further information about your reply.
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..look
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28 Aug 2003, 18:17
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#10
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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I cried when i realised how much time i spent reading that.
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On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:18
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#11
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Old Man O Deh *****s
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: In spelelpee land
Posts: 3,516
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I was thinking of a few quite excellent jokes, but I was worried that, seeing as your 'Hot Date' probably hasn't got beyond Spot the Dog books yet, maybe just leave it at;
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Atish
Atish who?
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A COLD !!!!
__________________
Dead_Meat
You dont need to keep beating a dog to get it to stop shitting on the carpet
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28 Aug 2003, 18:20
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#12
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Wearing Speedos
Posts: 1,021
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Q) Why doed Edward WoodWard have 4 D's in his name?
A) Cos Ewar Woowar sounds stoopid!
Guaranteed to make the ladies laugh!
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28 Aug 2003, 18:21
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#13
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by SilverSmoke
google doesnt provide me with further information about your reply.
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POW IN YOUR FACE
__________________
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:21
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#14
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Guy next door
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 4,745
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dace
POW IN YOUR FACE
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eh ok
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..look
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28 Aug 2003, 18:22
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#15
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share the <3
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Location: Location:
Posts: 2,709
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just give her a lollipop and fck her dace its not like you need the conversation
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28 Aug 2003, 18:22
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#16
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dead_Meat
I was worried that ... your 'Hot Date' probably hasn't got beyond Spot the Dog books yet
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She is older than me.
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On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:23
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#17
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by Nusselt
just give her a lollipop and fck her dace its not like you need the conversation
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What i dont need: Paedo comments directed at me
What i do need: Jokes
GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!
__________________
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:28
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#18
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share the <3
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Location: Location:
Posts: 2,709
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A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to
the outside world. He emerged in the middle of a preschool
playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
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28 Aug 2003, 18:29
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#19
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by SilverSmoke
eh ok
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http://www.airbandit.com/Verbaige.htm
It appears i mis-spelled.
SO SUE ME!
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On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:29
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#20
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,476
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Pete, Scott and Yan-Sung all turn up for their first day of work on a building site. The foreman meets them, introduces himself, and gives them their tasks for the day.
"Right lads", he says, pointing to a large pile of sand. "Pete, youre in charge of the sweeping. Scott, youre in charge of the shovelling. Yan, I want you to be in charge of the supplies.". After giving them their orders, he tells them that he has to leave for a few hours to meet his boss. "I expect you guys to make a dent in this pile" he says, before he leaves.
Several hours later he retuns, and the pile of sand is untouched. Feeling annoyed, he sees Pete and Scott sitting down in 2 chairs and asks them why they haven't been working.
"Its not my fault" says Pete, "I didnt have a broom. You said Yan was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldnt find him anywhere". Turning to Scott, the foreman asks a similar question, and Scott replies "I couldnt get myself a shovel boss. I also tried to find Yan, but he's nowhere to be found".
By now, the foreman is absolutely furious. "Ok, you guys wait here, I'm going to have a look for Yan" he says, and turns to walk towards the pile of sand. He reaches it, and has a look around the site, hoping to find some evidence of Yan's presence. Suddenly, Yan jumps out from behind the pile and yells "SUPPLIIIIIIIIES!"
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28 Aug 2003, 18:30
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#21
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Vermin Supreme
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 3,280
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"What's the difference between a pile of dead, skinned babies and a cadillac?"
A friend of mine used this one on the ladies for the longest time.
PS: Use Aryn's (?) 'smart dog in the African Jungle' joke if she's not into torturing babies.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:32
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#22
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,476
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"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
--
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
--
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
Tim Vine is a fantastic human being.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:34
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#23
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share the <3
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Location: Location:
Posts: 2,709
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hey the site where i got my joke from also had this
Quote:
September 11th Remembrance by Shanna Michael
Just an ordinary day
No one going out of their way.
Everything seem perfectly normal
Even the doorman friendly but formal.
I said have a great day to my husband and kids
For I didn't know what this day hid.
My way to work I honked my horn
I now knew I shouldn't have been so scorn.
As I drove by the towers so tall
I never thought they would fall.
Seven blocks later I parked my car
So close to the towers but yet so far.
In my office on my floor
I needed privacy so I closed my door.
I started up my daily routine
Till interrupted by a co-workers scream.
I ran out of my office to see the commotion
Everything seemed to be going in slow motion.
My cell phone starting ringing
My heart sank and my eyes started stinging.
My husband trapped alone on the ninetieth floor
Now my heart ached even more.
I heard the fear and tears in his eyes
As I watched the TV and heard the cries.
I felt all alone in the world
And my fingers started to curl.
I gripped the phone wishing my husband were there
The connection lost as I started my prayer.
That night I sit alone in a bed
Wishing for the man I'd wed.
My kids came in and sat down beside me
Not knowing their father was trapped in debris.
I finally told them he wasn't coming home
Sam and Kelly started to moan.
Our lives have been changed forever
By this terrible tragic endeavor.
Looking back one year later
I now realize I could have been greater.
I never said goodbye to my groom
I should have said I love you before I left the room.
Each day Sam reminds me of him
As he grows like his father, tall and slim.
Now forever may he lie in peace
My one and only beloved Reece.
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thats not funny is it?
whreas this is just odd
Quote:
A Gun Can Kill -author unknown
A gun can kill,
A fire can burn.
The wind can chill
And the mind can learn.
Anger can rage until it tears you apart,
But the power of your smile can heal a frozen heart.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:36
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#24
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Guy next door
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 4,745
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I would do Nusselts last suggestion at a silent moment and deep voice, it will work Dace.
__________________
..look
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28 Aug 2003, 18:36
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#25
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by acropolis
"What's the difference between a pile of dead, skinned babies and a cadillac?"
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I need the punchline.
__________________
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:37
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#26
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Vermin Supreme
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 3,280
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dace
I need the punchline.
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I DON'T HAVE A CADILLAC IN MY GARAGE!!!!
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28 Aug 2003, 18:37
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#27
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share the <3
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Location: Location:
Posts: 2,709
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Quote:
Man in a Chair by Joe Edwardson
The man in the chair
with gray hair
and a vacant stare
has torn clothes
and wrinkled skin.
His boots are scuffed.
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the work of genius
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28 Aug 2003, 18:38
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#28
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by Nodrog
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
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These are class.
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On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:39
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#29
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by acropolis
I DON'T HAVE A CADILLAC IN MY GARAGE!!!!
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excellent :up:
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On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:40
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#30
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cynic
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Bishop Auckland Co. Durham
Posts: 8,809
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is acropolis actually going to post the punchline to his joke plz???
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lazy
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28 Aug 2003, 18:42
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#31
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by roadrunner_0
is acropolis actually going to post the punchline to his joke plz???
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Look up.
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On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:44
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#32
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cynic
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Bishop Auckland Co. Durham
Posts: 8,809
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dace
Look up.
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damn it, that was all posted while i was reading the thread
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lazy
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28 Aug 2003, 18:45
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#33
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Vermin Supreme
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 3,280
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dace
Look up.
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you haven't really explained whether this is the type of girl that would think dead baby jokes are funny or not.
i would have thought that if this was a real girl you would have to kind of put limitations on what kind of jokes are accceptable and what aren't.
PS: what do you get when you put a baby in a blender and select 'puree' ?
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28 Aug 2003, 18:47
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#34
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IRC Lackey
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Somewhere in the dark and nasty regions...
Posts: 1,471
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Q. What's the difference between a rottweiler and a lass from Barnsley?
A. Lipstick
No, second thoughts maybe not the best idea
__________________
-Mushroom.
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
George Bernard Shaw
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28 Aug 2003, 18:47
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#35
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Wearing Speedos
Posts: 1,021
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Cut the pockets out of your trousers, so when the conversations fails, you can easily crack one off.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:48
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#36
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by acropolis
you haven't really explained whether this is the type of girl that would think dead baby jokes are funny or not.
i would have thought that if this was a real girl you would have to kind of put limitations on what kind of jokes are accceptable and what aren't.
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Any joke goes.
__________________
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:49
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#37
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Vermin Supreme
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 3,280
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dace
Any joke goes.
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k
A: an erection
Last edited by acropolis; 29 Aug 2003 at 14:32.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:52
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#38
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so f*cking zen
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
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Quote:
Originally posted by Woof
Cut the pockets out of your trousers, so when the conversations fails, you can easily crack one off.
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Amazingly the pockets in my jeans have ripped.
There is no option on this.
IT IS A COINCIDENCE OK?!
__________________
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
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28 Aug 2003, 18:54
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#39
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Clerk
Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 13,940
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What type of bird can't fly?
That bird from casualty.
----
What's the difference between a black man and Batman?
Batman can go out at night without Robin.
How can they fail?
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