About my Canadian military expirience

[Embroglio]

Look, it's no secret that the Canadian military is underfunded. I'm taking a bit of a risk in telling you any of this, but I figure it's a small risk and totally worth it.

So when we did training exercises, we used to have the right props. The grenades would make a thunderous boom, plenty of blanks to fire off (extra-loud), service knife, you name it. IN THEORY. They were gearing us up for a little wargame against the U.S., some crazy Army detachment, I don't know.

So there I was, lined up to get my grenades, and the QM (that's quartermaster) is smirking at me like something's up. He's all like, "Sorry kid, we're out," and I'm all like, "Well, how the hell am I gonna blow up some damnyanks then?" and he's all like, "Look, we don't wanna get any lawsuits if they get deafened, and, uhh, we're out too. So just make like you're pulling the pin, throw, and then whistle and yell KABOOM! They'll know and react appropriately."

So I'm grumpy alright, but whatever. I liked the knives. And you know, it was the same QM there, and he's all like, "Yeah, we don't want no knife-accidents, so we're not giving you one. It's not like you're gonna get in a knife fight in a modern war, right?" I'm looking kinda grumpy now, so he just goes, "Just make like you're stabbing and yell STABBETY STAB STAB! Works like a charm."

Well, what am I gonna do? I'm a grunt here. Shit. But at least I might get a few blanks, right? Wrong. Holy shit. I didn't even get a gun. It's that same QM in that line. And he goes, "Just yell BANGETY BANG-BANG! But try to be stingy, okay? Your target will know what to do."

Well, shit. But soon enough, we're out in the wargame, and I'm off in a scouting detachment. I'm kind of a sneaky mother****er, so it's not too long before I spot some yank trundling along, shuffling his feet. I flop down, take careful "aim", and "BANGETY BANG-BANG! BANG! BRAAAAAAK!"

Nothing. But I guess there was kind of a wind and he figured my bullets deviated or something, or maybe he got working body armour? Clever. So before I fell back, I "threw" a grenade. "tink. KABEWM!"

When I peeked up, he was still shuffling along, totally unphased. Goddamn, but he was one tough mother****er. I wasn't about to give up, though; I had all kinds of special forces dreams, so I just leaped off my hill and into a tree, slid down and then jumped right on this guy's back, "stabbing" away. "STAB! STABBETY! CUT YOU, ****ER!" Absolutely *nothing*. Man.

But then, I should have realized. Only this close could I hear his mumbling: "tank. tank. tank. tank. tank." I ran like hell.