A story

[Dace]

As usual it's true.

As usual it happened to me.

Advice on writing style etc plsta (as i'm trying to improve) would be appreciated (if you can be arsed).

[Dace]

A BRIEF INTERLUDE



I’m not sure but it’s probably the feeling of casual superiority that triggers the memory.

Right here I’m waiting for my train to leave and I’m watching a guy walking up the aisle looking for a seat. Smart, business type. Father too probably. He’s graying. He’s smiling. This will be him going home early.

None of that really matters tho. What he’s done. What he’s made of himself. The great kids he’s raised ‘cause right now, in sharp contrast to his bleach white shirt, I can see a bluebottle walking on his collar. A mobile ink smudge. The guy’s oblivious. No matter his achievements, no matter how respected he is by his peers, no matter the bracket he pays tax in he still doesn’t know he’s got a fly on him.

There are never any flies on me.



It’s now last summer. Weekend I think (which will make it a Saturday). Afternoon. Miraculously sunny.

I’m on a train and have claimed a jump seat. This seat stands alone and was specifically chosen because even tho the train doesn’t leave for another 5 minutes it’s already filling up pretty quick and I don’t want to sit beside anyone.

I’m at the toilet end of the carriage which means there’s only a few other chairs my side of the door. I take my book out of my bag, open it and, pretending to read, watch as the other passengers board. My eyes darting above book level whenever somebody enters the periphery of my vision.

A woman and her young daughter sit at the table directly in front of me. The woman starts unpacking. Juice and crisps are produced from a carrier bag. They seem set for the long haul.

Crowds float about outside. A syrupy molasses flowing towards the front of the train.

A girl, somewhere around final year school age, sits down. Her seat, 2 tables down diagonally opposite me, faces me. She’s pretty enough for me to look at. She keeps glancing in my direction. I decide not to smile. No point in scaring her.

The conductor is imploring people to “please keep moving to the front carriages of the train where there are plenty of free seats”.

Something of a commotion. A large party gets on. “Uniquely gifted” (mongos) adults and their carers. My interest is piqued. With all the subtlety of mating hippopotami they set about getting seated. The show begins.

The conductor repeats his plea.

There are not enough seats here for the “Special Party”. Well not available. Anyone who thinks I’m about to move might just never get over how wrong it was possible for them to be.

One of the carers, belligerently using his charge as some kind of authority, tells the woman sitting infront of me to ”MOVE”.

It seems that she’s sitting at a table whose seats are reserved for the disabled.

Seems that she needs to give it up.

Give it up now.

(just go quietly)

All this time the conductors repeated announcement acts as a soundtrack to the scene.

Spluttering and mouthing words and clearly in shock the woman is harangued and harassed. The carer will have none of her excuses. He’s not interested in them. He doesn’t even stop to listen.

The carer pays the woman no attention but I do.

I watch everything.

All things all the time.

Seems the woman is deaf.



Face blank but laughing hysterically on the inside I remain just an observer.



Ousted from her seat the deaf woman packs up her snacks and moves on with her daughter.

The mongos clamber in.

So much polyester I suspect they receive unauthorized electric shock therapy.

How happy are the stupid

How smug the carer.

Above their table, on the window, a sign.

”This seat is intended for the elderly and the infirm”



A tear rolls down my cheek.



THE END

[Deepflow]

it was well written, nice asides all the time.

however, i dont really 'get' the end... the woman was in a disabled seat, she moved to let disabled people sit there.

even so, the writing is

[KaneED]

what?!

[Dace]

OK the humour comes from:

- There were plenty of seats at the front. The carers and their mongos could have moved there thus avoiding the scene at all.

- The deaf woman couldnt hear the announcements. As such she didnt know about the seats. As such when moved she ended up sitting split up from her daughter (i forgot to mention that).

- Being deaf is a disability. As such the woman had as much right to be in a seat reserved for the disabled as the mongos.

- The seat WASN'T reserved for the disabled anyways. It was for old people. It also wasn't a given (ie that people should give them up ... its just"suggested"). The only way to "reserve" seats is to book them etc.

[Flayer]

I enjoyed some passages
there's no real ending though :/

[Structural Integrity]

Nice writing, but that tear... crying of laughter? Of disappointment in the behaviour of the carer? Of you being in a disabled seat too (assuming because the seat opposite of you was)?

Again, nice writing, but the end doesn't make everything clear.

[Dace]

The tear was of laughter.

Initially i could control my amusement.

By the end it was all too much for me tho.

[KaneED]

oh btw, stories have an exposition (the beginning), which you, a complication, which you kind of have, and a resolution, which you do not have.

but you have a good writing style, keep working on it!

[Dace]

I thought i had a resolution* (why cant people see it :( ).












*by the end of the story i got to feel superior to the woman (for being stupid enough to move) and the retards/carer (for being stupid enough to think he was entitled to the seat) ... which links to the start of the story where i feel superior to random buisness dude etc *shrug*

[Deepflow]

oh... she was REALLY deaf? i didnt pick up on that

[KaneED]

Originally Posted by Dace

I thought i had a resolution (why cant people see it ).

THE END doesn't count

<3

[Dace]

Originally Posted by KaneED

THE END doesn't count :rolleyes:

<3

:)

[KoeN]

<Dace^> righto
<Dace^> i aff
<Dace^> afk too
<Dace^> ciao for now
* Dace^ has quit IRC (Quit)

[Nodrog]

Ending didnt live up to the 'never any flies on me' line at the start.

[Dace]

Originally Posted by Nodrog

Ending didnt live up to the 'never any flies on me' line at the start.

You liked that huh?!

[Rids]

What Nod said

[Tactitus]

I liked the ending.

It reminded me of a run-in I once had with a handicapped parking spot Nazi.

[meglamaniac]

I once got the amusement of watching a smart-suited businesswoman who obviously felt she was superior to everyone and that rules didn't apply to her, being escorted from my local Sainsbury's by a security guard and forced to move her car out of the disabled space she'd parked it in.

I was smiling for the rest of the day.

[at0mic.c0w]

the pace is good - now i'm waiting for the end...

[acropolis]

i see lots of humor in watching people yell at a deaf lady until she leaves seats reserved for diabled people.

[IncubusGod]

Reminds me of when a bouncer in a bar in town walked up behind a guy who was standing in front of the little flap in the bar counter and demanded he move. Standing behind him he said again "Will you move, your blocking the enterance".

Nothing...now shouting so everyone could hear he said "Please MOVE your blocking the way to the bar. Are you LISTENING to me?!!" and the grabbed the guy, spun him round and angrily started to march him out of the bar. It was pointed out to him by 3 others at the bar and the head bouncer that the guy was deaf.

The two hearing aids didn't tip him off at all.

Supprise supprise a stupid bouncer eh? He had to apologize over and over, he was one of those obnoxious bouncers who would sooner die than say sorry so it was great to watch.

Liked the story btw Dace. Interesting writing style, a little too much detail in the analogies of events (molasses etc) for my liking but thats just me.