[Help] Letter of Interest

[s|k]

Hi,

Some of you guys, I wont name names, are pretty brilliant and I would like to get your input. I have a letter of interest that is a requirement in the application process for the librarian degree I'm looking into. Now I've written it, I spent all day yesterday doing it, and I just need some outside advice. Please, if you have a moment, just scan over it and let me know what you think of it.

It's less than a page and a half long.

Here is the link:


www.ambientchill.com/bjorn/loi2.doc includes changes suggested by Nodrog and rr
www.ambientchill.com/bjorn/loi.doc

Thank you!

[roadrunner_0]

according to word, you have spelt hawaii wrong


EDIT: 'My background in archaeology also has led me to maybe look into classes in archives and special collections.' take the 'maybe' out of that sentence, it doesn't need it and makes you appear less decisive than the rest of the letter so far


EDIT2: whats with the writing after the end of your letter itself?

[s|k]

Originally Posted by roadrunner_0

according to word, you have spelt hawaii wrong

I spelled it the Hawaiian way, with an okina: '

As you can see here:

http://www.uhh.hawaii.edu/academics/hawn/

[roadrunner_0]

hmmmm true... but you aren't going to be in hawaii... and do you really think that they are going to know that little nugget of info? On seeing that i just though it was a mis-placed apostrophy tbh :/

[s|k]

Originally Posted by roadrunner_0

hmmmm true... but you aren't going to be in hawaii... and do you really think that they are going to know that little nugget of info? On seeing that i just though it was a mis-placed apostrophy tbh :/

I think they'll know. Also I have removed the 'maybe', I was feeling a little bit uncertain about that myself. What do you think of the whole of it?

[roadrunner_0]

its good, i like it, shows enthusiasm without going over the top, overall i would go with it, well written and well described mate

[s|k]

Originally Posted by roadrunner_0

EDIT2: whats with the writing after the end of your letter itself?

Oh those were my revisions, I forgot to remove them.

[s|k]

Originally Posted by roadrunner_0

its good, i like it, shows enthusiasm without going over the top, overall i would go with it, well written and well described mate

Thanks! Thanks for your input.

[Nodrog]

With one exception, every single sentence in your second, third and fourth paragraphs (14 of them) begins with either the word 'I', or 'My'. Aforementioned sentences are also too short and it seems like youre just giving a list of information rather than writing prose.


This is especially horrible:

My education in cultural anthropology involved theory, ethnography and cultural change. I studied Pacific and Asian cultures.

edit: the rest of it is fine, but you really need to fix the first 4 paragraphs.

[s|k]

Originally Posted by Nodrog

With one exception, every single sentence in your second, third and fourth paragraphs (14 of them) begins with either the word 'I', or 'My'. Aforementioned sentences are also too short and it seems like youre just giving a list of information rather than writing prose.


This is especially horrible:





edit: the rest of it is fine, but you really need to fix the first 4 paragraphs.

Okay, I'll definitely look into it, thanks for the feedback.

edit: I can see how it can seem pretty monotonous.

edit: here are some of my changes:

I am applying to your masters of library science program for information professionals. The object of this letter is to provide you with information about me and explain my interest in the information resources and library science program at the University of Arizona.

My background is in technology and cultural studies. The technology I have experience with includes web publishing and programming, database management, and user interface design. I worked for two years at the library of the University of Hawai’i at Hilo, in an adjunct department as a web developer. One of my tasks was to help librarians construct and update the library website.

My undergraduate degree is in anthropology, and the focus of my studies was two fold; I concentrated on archaeology and cultural anthropology. The academic work I have been exposed to in archaeology centered on material culture and pacific and southwestern archaeology. In cultural anthropology my education involved theory, ethnography and cultural change, and Pacific and Asian cultures.

I am interested in information resources and library science because I want to work with technology that is changing the way we organize and find information. Working with databases has led me to decide to learn to understand the resources available and also to be a part of innovating new technology. My desire is to be a professional and a leader in a rapidly changing environment in which there is an opportunity to influence and contribute to the evolving nature of information resources. Other objectives of mine include ethics in information collection, privacy, and the right to free speech, all of which are topics that I think are of significant consequence and relevant to an information professional. I am also seeking a library science program because of my belief in the importance of literacy and education. I would like to participate in efforts to increase literacy.

[Nodrog]

The following are relatively minor changes you could make:


"will provide a great foundation upon which I hope to build upon at your school. " get rid of one of these 'upon's.

"My background in archaeology also has led me to maybe look into classes in archives and special collections." I dont think this makes sense; what is the word 'maybe' doing here? Either you looked into them or you didnt.

"When I think of what your concerns may be when selecting applicants I believe that they would include" I dont think this reads well; it is too 'indirect' and lacks bite. Perhaps try "When I think of your concerns regarding the selections of applicants, I believe they would include:"

"On the first issue I would like to ensure that I have thought out what my objectives " This seems like the wrong use of 'ensure'. I think what youre trying to say is 'assure you', but I dont really like this either. I think this whole paragraph could use reworking because you arent really saying anything other than 'I am committed honestly, please believe me'. You want to give them evidence that shows you are committed rather than just asserting that you are.


"by being a proactive participant" Drop 'proactive' - youre applying to a university, not a shitty public relations/marketing company.

"I’m excited to become a " poor grammar. "I'm excited by the prospect of becoming" or something similar.

"I appreciate your consideration this far" thus far.

"I will, of course, be proactive and stay in touch with you throughout the admissions process." adsflkkl;asdk;ldfjakl;sdfkla;sdjfl;ksadadsk;fkalsdfjk;ladsfklasdfjlkj

[s|k]

Can I hire you? By the way, I have made changes up there in my edit.

[s|k]

Originally Posted by Nodrog

"On the first issue I would like to ensure that I have thought out what my objectives " This seems like the wrong use of 'ensure'. I think what youre trying to say is 'assure you', but I dont really like this either. I think this whole paragraph could use reworking because you arent really saying anything other than 'I am committed honestly, please believe me'. You want to give them evidence that shows you are committed rather than just asserting that you are.

I was thinking of listing my years as a Marine and my poverty to education sob story, but I thought it was too much.

[Nodrog]

Originally Posted by s|k

edit: here are some of my changes:

That's a lot better. Again, a couple of minor points

The object of this letter is to provide you with information about me and explain my interest I would go with "to provide you with information about me, and to explain my interest".

was two fold I'm not sure whether this is correct, or if you should have 'were two-fold'. My 'formal' grammar is poor so I dunno.


Working with databases has led me to decide to learn to understand I find this hard to read but I'm not sure that I can say exactly whats wrong with it. I think its the repetitions of the word 'to'.

[s|k]

www.ambientchill.com/bjorn/loi2.doc with suggested changes reads *much* better. Thank you.

[Ebany]

2 very minor suggestions, that arent vital, but may make it look a little better -

In the second sentence, use 'myself' instead of 'me'. I think theyre pretty interchangable, but myself just sounds better to me

Use justified paragraphs, rather than left aligned. It makes it look neater, but again, thats just something I like in a official letter.

Overall, good

[edmoo]

I'm impressed - hope you get into your degree course.

[lokken]

I am interested in information resources and library science because I want to work with technology that is changing the way we organize and find information. Working with databases has led me to decide to understand the resources available and also to be a part of innovating new technology. My desire is to be a professional and a leader in a rapidly changing environment in which there is an opportunity to influence and contribute to the evolving nature of information resources. Other objectives of mine include ethics in information collection, privacy, and the right to free speech, all of which are topics that I think are of significant consequence and relevant to an information professional. I am also seeking a library science program because of my belief in the importance of literacy and education. I would like to participate in efforts to increase literacy.

I am unsure about the last sentence; it looks as if you just stuck it there for the sake of it, perhaps the flow can be better or perhaps you need a little more in that last sentence? Don't know if others agree though - I'll pm you on IRC.

[dda]

The letter seems to have come along very nicely. I never thought I would say this but, posting it on GD was actually helpful.

I wish you success.

Doing the librarian thing is a lot more involved than I would have guessed. I have enjoyed this thread and have learned from it.

[Proteus]

Originally Posted by Ebany

In the second sentence, use 'myself' instead of 'me'. I think theyre pretty interchangable, but myself just sounds better to me

"Myself" would be incorrect there. Personal pronoun != reflexive pronoun ("I am providing information about myself" but "this letter is providing information about me").

[Proteus]

Originally Posted by Nodrog

was two fold I'm not sure whether this is correct, or if you should have 'were two-fold'. My 'formal' grammar is poor so I dunno.

"Two-fold", not "two fold", is correct, but the verb should be singular.

[s|k]

Originally Posted by lokken

I am unsure about the last sentence; it looks as if you just stuck it there for the sake of it, perhaps the flow can be better or perhaps you need a little more in that last sentence? Don't know if others agree though - I'll pm you on IRC.

I changed it to "I am also seeking a library science program because of my belief in the importance of encouraging literacy and education."

thanks

[s|k]

Originally Posted by Proteus

"Two-fold", not "two fold", is correct, but the verb should be singular.

thank you

[Radical Edward]

Originally Posted by s|k

I was thinking of listing my years as a Marine....

mention them. It will show that you are capable of kicking the stuffing out of anyone who wants to steal, burn or otherwise deface a book.