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Unread 30 Oct 2006, 16:05   #1
Tomkat
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Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Tomkat has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.
The Guard on the Train

This is a bit different to my other stories.



When I was very first diagnosed, I was put into a general ward called Sarah Swift in St. Thomas' Hospital. It was all confusing and a rush at the time, as I didn't really know what was going on (this was before I had been diagnosed) and so had lots of doctors suddenly converging on me and asking me to perform tests, before going away again for hours at a time.

I filled most of this time with Sudoku and watching daytime TV. It was pretty exciting! The difference between this ward and the cancer wards I'd be on in future though, was the company I'd be keeping there. This ward was used really for temporary patients who would only be there for one or two days, and for people like me who were still in the diagnosis stage.

If I want to be, I can be pretty unsociable. If I think it's likely I'll have something in common with someone, then yes, I'll put in the effort. If not, then I simply won't bother.

I was placed in a corner, with the window on my left.

So I had opposite me a young guy with a permanent scowl on his face. I think he'd done something with his legs as he never left his bed. I didn't really speak to him, except to nod and say "hi" when I was admitted. I got a scowl for my efforts.

Diagonally opposite me was an old guy who didn't seem to do anything either except breathe very loudly. Again, I wasn't inclined to toddle over and start up a conversation with him.

To my right was Des. I don't know how many of you have been on wards, but they aren't very private. Des and I had about 2 metres of space between our two beds, and a curtain which we could pull across when required. That was about it.

Des was admitted about half a day after I was. I heard him being wheeled in, but the curtain was drawn so I didn't see him until the next day. I remember thinking he must have been hit by a car or something, as his face was a bit mangled, his leg was in a cast and one of his arms in a sling. He wasn't a pretty sight.

He looked to be about 40 years old. He had short dark hair (some of it a bit bloody and manky - I'm just trying to paint a picture here for you!). He was slightly overweight, but not enough for it to be noticeable.

By midday he seemed pretty conscious and the curtain had been drawn back by the nurse. I didn't want to replace it, even though I didn't like having him there lying next to me. I felt rude staring, but I didn't want to ignore him. I found myself focussing on this point just behind him, as if I had a lazy eye or something. It was difficult!

He initiated the conversation, with an incline of his head and a nod which actually looked pretty painful.

"Those damn sudoku things are addictive, aren't they?" he made a kind of gurgling sound after saying this, which I think was meant to be a chuckle. His voice was a bit grainy, like he was a heavy smoker.
"I never used to really do them - I'm just trying to burn time in here really actually" I replied. I thought better to be honest - I didn't want him challenging me to a sudoku-battle or something. Being beaten by a guy with his arm in a sling - that would just be embarrassing.
"I do them on the train up to work every morning" he sighed "If I don't finish it before I get off I feel like I haven't achieved my first task of the day"
"You could always just... you know... fill in the numbers. Noone checks them" I replied. I'd heard the joke somewhere else, but he laughed anyway.

That was the end of our first conversation. I decided I liked Des, even if he thought finishing sudoku was some sort of hurdle he had to achieve before entering the office.

The next conversation was initiated by him again (like I said - I can be quite unsociable when I want to be). He simply said "Hey... hey want to hear a joke?"
"Always" I replied.
"Ok" he said "A blonde woman goes to the doctor and complains that her whole body is aching, right? So she touches her knee and says: 'Ouch! That hurt'. She then touches her elbow and goes 'Ouch! That hurt too!'. She then touches her ear and complains that it's sensitive. The doctor then examines her and says: "Well, Madam, I am sure that will be the case - your finger is broken."
It wasn't a particularly brilliant joke, but I mustered a laugh anyway. I think I laughed a little too loud at it actually.
"Know any jokes?" he asked me.
I'm one of those people who has been told a thousand jokes, and can't remember any of them until they're retold and then I ruin the punchline for everyone else. So I had to reply with "Sorry, I can't remember any"
He looked a bit down at this, and I really felt like I'd failed some sort of important social test. I then remembered my "Parent Teacher Meetings" story.
"I know a story though. It's pretty long"
"Mate, I really am not going anywhere" he snorted, and pointed with his one good arm to his leg in the cast, which was held up in the air.
"Good point" I said.

So I told him the entire Parent Teacher Meetings story.

"That was a good story" he said "You should write it out when you get out of here!"

So I did.

"Hey, I have a kind of a story, although it's a bit different to yours. Want to hear it?" he continued.
"Sure - I've finished all my sudoku!" I grinned, and waved my paper as if he needed proof I'd achieved my targets for the day before storytime.

And here was his story. I've adapted it a bit, and made it more readable.



"So about 6 months ago on a Saturday I was on a train coming from Portsmouth, trying to get home. I'd been to visit a few friends down there for the day and had a pretty good day. I was just settling into my seat to sleep for most of the journey when these 4 guys came into the carriage. They were obviously drunk, and a bit loud too. I just ignored them and watched them sit a few seats in front of me, at one of those table things you get. There must have only been 4 or 5 other people in the carriage besides us.

They continued drinking, and got pretty rowdy. They started shouting at some Asian student there until the student got off the train. I wouldn't be surprised if he got off at a stop that wasn't his - I'd have been pretty scared in his position.

The men continued to get rowdy, and at one point smashed a glass on the floor. I really wasn't comfortable being there, but I didn't want to draw attention to myself by getting up and moving to a different carriage. There weren't any other stops to pretend to get off at either.

Anyway, the guard came down when we were two-thirds or so of the way through the journey. He came from my end of the train, so I showed him my ticket and got it checked. He did the people in front of me, and then he got to the table with those guys on.

They didn't have tickets, it was obvious. They firstly started trying to joke around with the guard. Then they tried bribing him with some of their lager. Then things got nasty and they started calling him names. It built up into them shouting at him and before I knew what was going on, they'd got up and pushed him over.

He got up and started to move down the carriage towards my end, but they picked him up and punched him. He just let them hit him and was knocked to the floor. The whole thing couldn't have taken more than about 30 seconds, but I was petrified. I also felt a complete coward - but what can you do? I wasn't going to get up and try to defend him, or the same would happen to me.

The men moved into another carriage after doing that, and didn't come back. The remaining passengers on the carriage just sat there. I got up after I was sure they weren't coming back, and went to the guard. He seemed to be ok, just breathing pretty deeply. I pulled on those Emergency cord things and told the driver what had happened.

I went back to my seat and just sat there, shaking. It was pretty intense being that close to all of that - I don't normally get in fights and I live in quite a nice area too. I then looked down and saw that the guard had dropped his little machine that punches out new tickets. It was right by my feet - it must have slid there when he was knocked over.

Noone could see me. I looked at the machine, and I looked at my bag. I happened to be carrying a large bag with me at the time. At the time I had no idea why I did it, but I picked up the machine and placed it in my bag. I then zipped it up.

The next stop was mine and I got off, relieved to be off the train. I was home within 15 minutes and didn't think any more about it until it came to unpacking my bag a couple of days later.



I picked it up out of my bag and remembered how I'd got it, with a little bit of a shiver. I turned it on and it whirred a little bit before coming to a screen that looked pretty much exactly like the ones you find in stations everywhere.

I put in some fake details from a journey I make daily. "West Byfleet" to "London Waterloo" "Peak Single". It told me the price and then gave me a list of payments. I pushed the "Cash" button and with a few whirs and a click, I had a ticket in my hand. It was that easy.

I had a look through some of the destinations. It was only valid in the South East really. I smiled, and put it down. 'I could probably save a bit of money using this' was all I thought.



The next day when travelling to work I paid for my own ticket. I'm not a dishonest guy. I watched the guard on the train with their own portable ticket machine though, just like mine. As he went down the train, he charged 4 people for not having their tickets. At £20 or so for a return, that wasn't a bad income. Obviously it all went to the train company, but still.

While having my lunch, I started to think. How difficult would it be to impersonate a guard? The machine would be the hardest part. Once you had a uniform, and made sure you weren't seen by the real guard, what else was there?

It was a silly fantasy. Where would you get a guard's uniform from? Ridiculous.

Fantasies have a habit of forming and growing though. I found myself staring at the guard and analysing the uniform on the way home that night. It really was quite a simple uniform. Dark blue cotton trousers and the same colour blazer. A light blue shirt. There wasn't much else to it.



That weekend I had a look around some charity shops. There was no harm in looking, after all. And there was a blazer/trouser combination in almost exactly the right colour, for £10. I bought it. At the time I couldn't have told you why. It was on an impulse.

When I got home I tried it on with one of my light blue shirts. It fitted very snugly. I practiced in front of a mirror with "Tickets please!". I looked like the real deal. It was great. To actually pretend to be a guard, and take people's money though? That was a crime. I could go to prison for something like that.

The stupid thing is I don't even NEED the money. I have a pretty good job, and some savings and things. This would just be something to amuse me. A hobby, almost.



I had the next week pencilled in as holiday anyway. I was going to do some work on the house and garden. Instead I found myself dressed in the shirt and trousers, with the blazer and ticket machine in a bag, entering the train station.

I didn't want to go on my regular train. That was a bad idea. I'd need to go somewhere where there was no chance of being recognised. Plus, somewhere far away meant more money from the customers who hadn't bought tickets.

I couldn't believe I was doing it. I chose a train down to Portsmouth.

I suddenly realised I'd been thinking this through more than I had realised. I'd positioned myself at the opposite end of the train to the guard without realising. I'd worked out when he would be moving through the train without realising. I'd chosen a train to somewhere that would be costly to customers who hadn't paid, without realising.

The train started off. I wanted to wait until after Guildford, before moving down.



We moved past Guildford, and I moved to the back of the train and put on my blazer. I wrapped the ticket machine's strap around my shoulder, and moved into the first carriage.

"TICKETS PLEASE" I said loudly, as I'd heard so many times in my train journeys as a passenger. It was incredible, the feeling of authority. I could eject people from the train! I was the guard!

The first 9 people all had tickets. I used a biro to scribble on them, and then go to the 10th.

"Could I go to Portsmouth Harbour please?" she asked.
"From...?" I said, as if this was the thousandth time I'd done this and I was a bit bored with it all. I was quite proud of myself - noone had questioned me or anything.
"Oh - Guildford please"

I turned on the little machine and it whirred into life. I punched in the details and told her the price.

Then she pulled out her Switch card.

I hadn't been ready for this. I didn't know how to use Switch cards. I wasn't even sure the machine COULD. Didn't it have to dial up to something somewhere?

"Errr... uhmm.. the card machine isn't working. Cash only please" I stammered.
"Oh, alright" she replied, and handed over a twenty pound note.

I'd been ready here too. A quick stop off at the bank allowed me all the loose change I'd need.

That was it! Money in my pocket, for doing nothing!

I felt a huge rush of adrenaline.

I moved further down, stopping before the last carriage where the real guard was. In total I'd taken money off 15 people through the train. But in return they had legitimate train tickets. It was all fine.

When the guard came back, I'd changed out of my blazer and was at the other end of the train. Noone had questioned being asked twice by a different guard. It had all gone so perfectly.



I spent a few hours in Portsmouth tinkering around in various shops, and then headed back to the train station. A train to London Waterloo, and we were all set to double our money!

I did the same thing as before. Placed myself at the back of the train, and started to move down about halfway through the journey. I planned to be done BY Guildford this time.

The carriages were emptier this time though - there was less money to be made. I didn't mind - the rush was still there. At any moment one of these people could question who I was! Not to mention the guard who could decide to make his trip up the train and see me.

I went to the third carriage and spotted a few men playing cards. The rest of the carriage was empty again. Hopefully they had no tickets - that would be about £50 in total for me!

They didn't have any tickets.

They started trying to joke with me about this.

They offered me some of their lager.

They then swore at me and shouted.

Finally, I found myself lying on the floor with blood coming out of my nose and pain all over my body.

Noone found me until London Waterloo.

And that's how I'm here, lying in this bed next to you."



I just sat there, staring at Des with his leg in the air, arm in a sling, and face beaten to a pulp. I needed something to say apart from "Wow". Something that would cheer him up and make him see the bright side of this.

"Well at least you get to keep the guard's uniform for fancy dress" was all I could muster.

He didn't seem to appreciate the silver lining.
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Unread 30 Oct 2006, 17:52   #2
Demon Dave
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Re: The Guard on the Train

About half-way through that I already knew the ending. Good story though, keep them coming
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Unread 30 Oct 2006, 20:47   #3
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Re: The Guard on the Train

Thanks for posting that, I really enjoyed it. Is it true?
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Unread 30 Oct 2006, 23:59   #4
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Re: The Guard on the Train

You had me until the point that the nurse didn't administer instant oral relief.

Dam I’m stupid, the nurse was a ‘female’ right?
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Unread 31 Oct 2006, 00:37   #5
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Re: The Guard on the Train

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maladoni
You had me until the point that the nurse didn't administer instant oral relief.

Dam I’m stupid, the nurse was a ‘female’ right?
No, it was Skiddy
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Unread 31 Oct 2006, 02:03   #6
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Re: The Guard on the Train

Quote:
Originally Posted by Demon Dave
No, it was Skiddy
Well, I think it was either Berk or Minty.
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Unread 31 Oct 2006, 12:37   #7
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Re: The Guard on the Train

Another good story.

Must have taken you ages to write it though.
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