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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:00   #1
Dace
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The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

"Bang" is the sound of a plan backfiring.

"Bang" is the sound of me shooting myself in the foot.

"Bang" is the sound of me repeatedly thumping my head against a wall.



Sooooooooooooooooo i went on a date.

I arrived at the pub a couple of minutes late and was kinda frantic incase Liz had turned up early/on time.

However as she is a girl there was no real need to be concerned about her punctuality.



Anyways i get there and the "words of wisdom" i received from GD:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
As you're going to a pub, buy all the drinks and make hers extremley strong ones (double vodka + whatever) while keep your drinking light. That way she'll be too hammered to remember what the hell you were like in bed, and you can exaggerate your feats.
(a plan i had already thought of btw) were still ringing in my head so i order a bottle of beer (instead of my usual pint of stella/kronenburg).

Not just any bottle of beer tho.

Oh no ... a bottle of Becks.

Becks is only 275ml.

That's HALF A PINT.

Half a pint per round.

The genius factor was high.



So liz turns up 10 minutes late and she wants a peach schnapps and lemonade so i get her one.

Even tho i had phoned her a couple of hours before (to do a final confirmation) and she'd said she would definately be there i had still been concerened.

Date shown up, drink in my hand and things seeming to go well i was a happy camper.



Blah, blah, blah.

We talk.

We drink.

Liz finishes her drink.

I offer to buy another.

She insists we do rounds.

After a brief argument i quickly agree (:ninja:).

She buys me another becks.

She buys herself a ****tail.

I put my "almost finished" bottle on the bar and leave it there.

Hello genius "trying to drink as little as possible" plan.

Liz doesnt notice.



The cycle is repeated.

The drinks are finished and i ask her what the name of her ****tail was.

She says that "they cost a fiver each" and "i'm not to get her one" and she'll "just buy them on her own rounds".

"Ohhh no" says i "I insist"

Well that's what i said appearing not to be tight with money.

That's what i said.

What i thought was "There are quite a few shots in that ****tail" :ninja:



Again my bottle isn't completely finished when i put it on the bar.

Again i feel like a sexual predator.

Again this makes me smile on the inside.



After Liz's fourth coctail we leave to go to the bar next door.

On the way out i leave a half finished bottle of becks.

I hold her hand so we "don't become seperated in the crowd".



We get next door (hello Bar Brel) and "ohhhh my what a suprise her best friend and her best friends boyfriend are there"

What a turn up for the books.

"What the **** is she playing at?" i ask myself (still not sure even now).



Liz buys me another Becks and herself a Peach schnapps and lemonade.

We talk to her friends.

The drinks are finished and after discussing it i go and get another round in.



Bottle of miller for the gentleman.

2 glasses of white wine for the ladies.

Nothing for me (i'm nursing my first bottle from Brel still ... again :ninja:).



The barmaid tells me:

- £4.10 for a glass of wine.

- £9.50 for the bottle.



I return to the group with my old bottle in my back pocket, two empty glasses and a bottle of miller in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other.

There's 7 units of alchol in a bottle of wine.

Liz drinks 3 and a half of them.



Liz's friends start to talk amongst themselves.

I talk to Liz.

Liz's friends keep on kissing from time to time.

I talk to Liz.

I see an opportunity (she mentioned she was worried i wouldn't show) and decide to show Liz i like her so i kiss her.

Things become less strained.

We leave Brel a little bit after.

Liz had bought me another Becks.

I left 2/3 of it by the door on the way out.



Just me and Liz go on to Curlers (another pub).

We get in and i go to the toilet and Liz goes to the bar.

I come back and she's ordered a double round (2 reefs and 2 becks).

There are no free chairs/tables.

We find a quiet corner.

We stand there talking and kissing from time to time (just pecks not tounges).

The drinks are placed on a speaker.

I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS AN ACCIDENT (seriously) but i manage to knock over one of my full bottles and it spills out.

I'm left with one bottle which is at that time about the same mark as Liz.



At this point i'm starting to get a little worried.

I'm thinking "Maybe she's a little TOO drunk".

I'm thinking "Maybe she should slow down".

I'm thinking "Maybe i shouldn't have got her so many drinks earlier".

I'm thinking "I can see all this going HORRIBLY WRONG".



Liz finishes her drink and i suggest we leave.

Bullet pointing she says she wants another drink before we leave and i eventually agree on the proviso it's her last.

I don't have another drink.



We leave the pub and go back to hers.

It's about 12.

Thankfully she lives close by.



We get in and she's swaying.

Swaying pretty bad to be honest.

"Ohhhh ****" thinks i.



So Liz talks to her flatmate.

Liz is at a complete loss as to how she is so drunk and how i had the same amount to drink as her and am still fine.

I decide not to educate her (or her flatmate).



We go to bed.

Liz is feeling really ill.

Liz is "sorry".

Liz "wanted tonight to be so good for me".

Liz "cant have sex tonight".



Liz not having sex means Rankin cant have sex either.



We lie in bed together.

From time to time we kiss.

From time to time things become "hot".

Things never become "too hot".

I keep on cursing my original plan.



After a few hours Liz tells me she "feels like death".

I cant help but smirk.

Well not so much smirk as smile.

"What is it?"

"What are you laughing at?"

"Tell me i want to know" pesters Liz.

"Dead girls don't say no" says i.

It was a beautiful moment.

Very touching indeed.



Anyways Liz is uspet that we didn't "do it".

I tell her that "i'm glad this happened".

That "everything happens for a reason".

That "this way i'll know you even better when it finally happens"

Chicks REALLY dig this sensitive caring shit.



I leave her place 15:40 the next day.

Liz is rather hungover.

Liz is still amazed at how well i can hold my drink.



Liz had exams all the following week (Tuesday, then Tursday then Tuesday again ... ie her last one was yesterday).

They were 3rd year exams* and so she had to study for them.

As such i haven't seen her since then.



I have phoned her several times tho.

She phoned me on Sunday night.

We talked for 3/4 of an hour.



Anyways to wrap this story up ...

- I am seeing her tonight.

- I am going round to her place.

- We are having a "quiet night in".

- We are watching a video.

- All this was Liz's plan which I think means she wants us to "get it on" tonight.

If we don't i am going to be "miffed".



THE END










*i have already had all the "What at school?" jokes from my friends/work colleagues so don't bother.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:06   #2
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Fancy that lads, Dace is about to pop his cherry.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:08   #3
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

When I read that line about third year exams I actually fell off my chair laughing. Comedy gold.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:08   #4
Dace
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Belgarath The Sorcerer
Fancy that lads, Dace is about to pop his cherry.


YOU ARE SO JEALOUS YOU ARE STILL A VIRGIN!
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:13   #5
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Best thread on GD atm .
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:14   #6
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by JC
Best thread on GD atm .
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:14   #7
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahhhhhhhahahahahaha

seriously though, she probably thinks youre the greatest guy to ever live. If you were actually planning an actual relationship here then what youve done so far would be almost perfect. frp, a manipulative and mind gamey point of view,.even though you havent meant any of it. However given you arent, u r dumb.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:14   #8
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

mental note:
people learn how drunk they are as much by how drunk the people around them look as anything else.

maybe you should act drunk next time, if you go with the same plan.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:16   #9
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodrog
arent , u
Are you one of Kura's gimmicks?

Edit: You edited that fast .
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:19   #10
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
YOU ARE SO JEALOUS YOU ARE STILL A VIRGIN!
This reply makes me "lol" in real life in so many ways, it really does.

[15:05] <Belgarath> if she goes down on you, you must return the favour
[15:05] <Dace> nope
[15:05] <Dace> i cant do that
[15:06] <Jonny> as in don't know how?

hohoho
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:19   #11
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Original thread btw
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:19   #12
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Comedy mamaries good sir
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:20   #13
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

The man who says 'Dead girls don't say no' when in bed with their girlfriend has to rock. Congrats Dace, you aren't shit any more
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:20   #14
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by JC
Best thread on GD atm .


Hurrah \o/
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:21   #15
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

It's a good thing you weren't drunk, otherwise your 'Dead girls don't say no' would probably have been 'Dead seven year old girls can't say no and can't tell mummy or the police what Dace has been doing to them'

Other than that, you seem to have pulled the proverbial rabbit out of the hat.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:21   #16
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
Hurrah \o/
It's not that much of a compliment, it's GD afterall.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:22   #17
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodrog
However given you arent, u r dumb.



Given i amnt what?
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:24   #18
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grimble v2.0
It's not that much of a compliment, it's GD afterall.


But it is still a compliment :)
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:24   #19
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
Given i amnt what?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodrog
actually planning an actual relationship
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:25   #20
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
Given i amnt what?
i assumed 'planning a relationship'
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:26   #21
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

So I'm bored, does anyone else have any amusing Dace like stories? Dante I give you the floor.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:27   #22
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodrog
frp, a manipulative and mind gamey point of view,.even though you havent meant any of it. However given you arent, u r dumb.

Yeah, but subconsciously I do the same thing. Not AS bad (half a pint to her doubles), but I am aware of what I'm doing usually.

I think most blokes do.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:28   #23
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

I'm confident in my ability to outdrink anything with legs.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:38   #24
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

This thread is genius.

Congratulations on taking a plan a "bit too far" though.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:55   #25
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

good going dace, excellent story telling.

shag her.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 16:59   #26
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyBGood
I'm confident in my ability to outdrink anything with legs.
Victory for Pabs!
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 17:07   #27
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

nice one dace. no paedo jokes from me.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 17:15   #28
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
i have already had all the "What at school?" jokes from my friends/work colleagues so don't bother.
So people in the real world think you're a paedo too?


mmm.... that's odd
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 17:29   #29
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Dace doesn't seem that bad if you ignore the fact he likes underage girls. Go Dace!

Any pics of you? maybe her for wanking?
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 17:45   #30
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

I was bored so I did the due diligence.

She drank:
A peach schnapps and lemonade (1 unit)
She buys herself a ****tail (2 units)
You buy her a ****tail (2 units)
After Liz's fourth ****tail (2 units)
You buy her a ****tail (2 units)
She buys herself a Peach schnapps and lemonade. (1 unit)
Liz drinks 3 and a half glasses of wine (3½ units)
Liz orders vodka 2 reefs (4 units)
She says she wants another drink before she leaves (2 units)

Which comes out to a nice round 19½ units, or nigh on 10 pints of beer. The fact she was actually still walking could possibly mean that Dace's girlie is possibly not going to win any prizes in any 'Not Built like a Horse' competition.

It's pretty impressive, anyway...
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 18:29   #31
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

brilliant dace, brilliant!

well, almost..

gl with it
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 18:30   #32
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

This will go so badly wrong.
Have you not considered that she might have several gallons of becks waiting for you tonight?
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 18:44   #33
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
This thread is genius.
Dace respect++;
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 19:10   #34
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Utter pld.

By far the most amusing thing I've read on GD this month.

Welcome back Dace
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 19:28   #35
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Ace Dace hehe

\o/

Be sure and let us know how it goes.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 19:35   #36
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

firstly this thread is fab....

secondly, i still dont understand why there is no sex in the morning when she is relatively sober, its a great hangover cure.

nm though, good for you
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 19:52   #37
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Sex is a superb hangover cure.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 20:15   #38
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dead_Meat
Liz orders vodka 2 reefs (4 units)
Surely thats only 2 units.

BTW - why does everyone say Dace is a paedo (sorry Dace for bringin all that up again!)
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 20:58   #39
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

i've always liked dace. Even when he was shit and unfunny. Back off you glory hunting ****rags!

Dace, a drink when im back in stirling?
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 21:09   #40
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Ace Dace.
However, you have a disgusting preference of beer brands.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 22:01   #41
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stew
Surely thats only 2 units.

BTW - why does everyone say Dace is a paedo (sorry Dace for bringin all that up again!)

heh

i want to tell, i really do, but it'd ruin his moment
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 22:47   #42
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deepflow
firstly this thread is fab....

secondly, i still dont understand why there is no sex in the morning when she is relatively sober, its a great hangover cure.

nm though, good for you
Women don't get morning glory.

The only way to get any in the morning is if you manipulate their sleep so they start having horny thoughts.

Otherwise they wake up totally self conscious about their breath, hair, feel like crap, usually whine about their insides etc etc.

You can see where I am coming from.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 23:07   #43
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

ps. morning glory is an asexual erection so you'll last longer because it takes a while for it to become a sexual one. bonus
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 23:10   #44
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evergreen
You can see where I am coming from.
Bloody webcams.
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 23:13   #45
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri
Bloody webcams.
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<Sunday8pm> Jas you are a fattie armed slut

<Jassy> aryn, how can u let ppl spread shit in this chan? ur not doing ur job properly if u let ppl spread shit
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<Jassy> i can get him glined
<Jassy> #feds are here to stamp out abuse

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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 23:13   #46
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evergreen
Could not locate remote server
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Unread 21 Jan 2004, 23:14   #47
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish



Dace got(almost) lucky!
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Unread 22 Jan 2004, 00:07   #48
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evergreen
Women don't get morning glory.

The only way to get any in the morning is if you manipulate their sleep so they start having horny thoughts.

Otherwise they wake up totally self conscious about their breath, hair, feel like crap, usually whine about their insides etc etc.

You can see where I am coming from.
about 80% of the time ive woken up in the same bed as a woman i just had sex with i have sex again. Obviously whatever you did the night before didnt leave her WANTING MORE.

+morning sex is the best, clear head and fresh stamina etc.
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Unread 22 Jan 2004, 00:08   #49
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
Liz not having sex means Rankin cant have sex either.


priceless
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Unread 22 Jan 2004, 00:11   #50
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Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evergreen
Women don't get morning glory.

The only way to get any in the morning is if you manipulate their sleep so they start having horny thoughts.

Otherwise they wake up totally self conscious about their breath, hair, feel like crap, usually whine about their insides etc etc.

You can see where I am coming from.
I can second the previous Post. 80-90% of the time they wake up, they want to have sex again.

It must be specific to waking up next to you mate.

**** YOU PAGE 2
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