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12 Dec 2005, 14:28
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#1
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:alpha:
Join Date: May 2002
Location: London, UK
Posts: 7,871
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Speeches
We've got our "Staff Christmas Dinner" a week on Monday.
This is slightly illogical, as the last day of term is Tuesday, so we're all going to have to come in hungover and not willing to face classrooms of kids (I'll just find some videos or something).
As I'm the youngest member of staff (by a year) I've been told that the tradition is that I need to make a speech.
I'm a bit worried.
I probably could make a comfortable, good speech normally.
However, I've only been at the school for a term, so I don't know anyone really well enough to give a few jokes about them, with the exception of one or two. I also don't know what's "acceptable" and what isn't - as I don't know everyone, and there is also a vast difference in ages, from 22-60.
So what should I go for? I was originally just going to give a brief "thanks a lot" type speech, but I've been told that it's supposed to be entertaining and not just be a standard "thanks a lot" speech
Any advice?
__________________
"There is no I in team, but there are two in anal fisting"
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12 Dec 2005, 14:35
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#2
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,476
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Re: Speeches
Make several jokes about having sex with your students.
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12 Dec 2005, 14:38
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#3
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Guy next door
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 4,745
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Re: Speeches
Spice it up with some sense of humour
Oh shit
__________________
..look
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12 Dec 2005, 14:41
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#4
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Clerk
Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 13,940
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Re: Speeches
I've found being mildly offensive in a jokey sort of sense helps.
"I remember vividly my first day when I first arrived. I was so impressed by the clean cut students, sparkling facilities and wonderful faculty. I was then told I was in the wrong school and this place was the shithole down the road..."
Or something like that. Generally rubbish "in-jokes" are the way to go (e.g. if everyone hates the finance department because they're rubbish, joke at their expense, if a certain class is notoriously bad then mention them, that sort of thing).
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12 Dec 2005, 17:00
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#5
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Banned
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Further to the right
Posts: 19,441
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Re: Speeches
Please mention that while there is no I in team there are two in anal fisting.
PS Threaten someone while you're up there
__________________
Some might ask what good is life without purpose but I'm anticipating a good lunch.
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12 Dec 2005, 17:27
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#6
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Clerk
Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 13,940
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Re: Speeches
I once plagarised Marilyn Manson's* "Quiet in the cheap seats" remark during a company presentation when the back of the room were talking (they were the directors). It got a laugh so go go GD material.
* = Or at least, I think it was him who said it here.
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12 Dec 2005, 17:35
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#7
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 278
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Re: Speeches
Mock the PE staff, something along the lines of "student results have gone up exponentially since i've joined, for the PE staff, that means they have gone up"
________
Club Royal Condo Wong Amat
Last edited by ceres; 31 Aug 2011 at 07:08.
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12 Dec 2005, 17:38
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#8
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Gone
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 14,656
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Re: Speeches
Take your penis out and wave it about a bit. Then call all the PE staff paid-up paedophiles who are only in their jobs because they were too stupid to be admitted to a Catholic seminary college. Then say you're going down to the pub and all drinks are on you.
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12 Dec 2005, 17:41
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#9
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Gone
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 14,656
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Re: Speeches
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
I once plagarised Marilyn Manson's* "Quiet in the cheap seats" remark during a company presentation when the back of the room were talking (they were the directors). It got a laugh so go go GD material.
* = Or at least, I think it was him who said it here.
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This is great.
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12 Dec 2005, 17:53
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#10
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Banned
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Further to the right
Posts: 19,441
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Re: Speeches
Tell them that in your spare time you frequent an internet forum inhabited by people who didn't see anything wrong with sex with thirteen year olds. Of both genders.
Also tell them you know nodrog.
__________________
Some might ask what good is life without purpose but I'm anticipating a good lunch.
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12 Dec 2005, 18:02
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#11
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nomen est omen
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Bristol, UK
Posts: 1,095
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Re: Speeches
__________________
Me=Hans_Blix
Views expressed are those of the author and not of any company or organisation I am associated with. Electronic communication can be forged and the integrity of this message is not guaranteed.
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12 Dec 2005, 18:19
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#12
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Lucky
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: -
Posts: 3,830
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Re: Speeches
make a speech about how you're supposed to give a speech full of jokes about people you hardly know.
it'll be comedy.
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12 Dec 2005, 18:44
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#13
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break it down!
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,087
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Re: Speeches
Tell them that you are from the internet which is near Ipswitch.
Also, just make some jokes about the cafeteria food - its a London public school, theres no doubt that it tastes of shit.
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12 Dec 2005, 19:00
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#14
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,174
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Re: Speeches
make lots of jokes that end with "i mean what's up with that" and you'll be a hit
__________________
If one person is in delusion, they're called insane.
If many people are in delusion, it's called a religion.
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12 Dec 2005, 19:31
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#15
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USS Oklahoma
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,500
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Re: Speeches
When you want to make a joke and you don't know your audience, then self depracating humor is safe.
You can talk about your fears and concerns about becoming a teacher, about any trepadations you may have had about coming to the particular school. Statagies used to overcome the fears and/or the students. False starts. That sort of thing.
__________________
Ignorance is curable, stupidity is not.
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12 Dec 2005, 20:39
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#16
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Made of Twigs
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 5,459
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Re: Speeches
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
I've found being mildly offensive in a jokey sort of sense helps.
"I remember vividly my first day when I first arrived. I was so impressed by the clean cut students, sparkling facilities and wonderful faculty. I was then told I was in the wrong school and this place was the shithole down the road..."
Or something like that. Generally rubbish "in-jokes" are the way to go (e.g. if everyone hates the finance department because they're rubbish, joke at their expense, if a certain class is notoriously bad then mention them, that sort of thing).
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Let Dante write your speech for you.
__________________
If I hadn't seen such riches, I could live with being poor - James
It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am - Muhammad Ali
So **** y'all, all of y'all; if y'all don't like me, blow me! - Dr. Dre
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14 Dec 2005, 14:37
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#17
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overtired
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 5,900
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Re: Speeches
buy this book and shamelessly plagiarise it
http://play.com/play247.asp?pa=stts9...K&title=683973
or do a standup act ... eg. have you ever noticed how the white kids walk like this (mime shuffling along) but the muslim kids walk like this? (mime walking furtively)
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