The ANSWER

[JammyJim]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Philosophical

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Confucius Chicken who first look both way, lives to see another day.

Doug Hofstadter: To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.

Epictetus: To enjoy the great festival of life with other hens.

Epicurus: For fun.

Eric Hoffer: To free itself from the tyranny of freedom by becoming a member of the flock.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Lao-tzu: The chicken does not cross the road yet reaches the other side.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Murphy: The chicken will invariably cross the road at the worst possible time.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Plato: For the greater good.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Socrates: The unexamined road is not worth crossing.

Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.



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Scientific
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Carl Sagan: There are literally billions and billions of reasons.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predispositioned to cross roads.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.

Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.



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Mythical
The Sphinx: You tell me.



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Political
Bill Clinton: Did some one say Chicken McNuggets?

Bill Clinton: This administration will do everything within its power to provide free access to ALL chickens on ALL our nations roads, at ANY cost.

Bill Clinton: Now I will admit that while governor of Arkansas, I saw a lot of chickens. However, I do not know this chicken. This chicken is simply trying to gain some attention in professing to have crossed this road. This presidency will not be respond to, nor be affected by any of the lies that this chicken concocts.

Bill Clinton: I never had sex with the chicken. I was never even alone with the chicken.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: The chicken had nothing to fear but fear itself.

George Gallop: Hen Party 42% Dare 18% Whim 12% Business 2% Undecided 26%

Hillary Clinton: That's MY chicken.

Hillary Rodham-Clinton: I don't recall a chicken crossing a road because chicken-road-crossings were handled by Jr. Associates at the Rose Law Firm.

J. Edgar Hoover: He was a Rhode Island Red conspiring against the U. S. of A.

Janet Reno: We used a tank to punch a hole in the hen house to end the standoff with the Flock Davidians.

Jimmy Carter: It had lust in its heart

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

John F. Kennedy: Ask not what road this chicken crossed. Ask what road you can cross for that chicken.

Joseph McCarthy: He was a Rhode Island Red conspiring against the land.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omelette.

Mao Zedong: The shortest distance between two points is the road of least resistance.

Newt Gingrich: I'll tell you as soon as I get this foot out of my mouth.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

Paula Jones: I don't know but I can describe distinguishing characteristics on its pecker.

Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Ross Perot: Now I'm glad you asked that question. Take a look at this graph, you see? Here's some of our American chickens. Over here we got some of them Japanese chickens. Now are you listening to me? It's just as plain as the nose on my face.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Sonny Bono He crossed the road because he couldn't ski down the mountain, babe.

Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Thomas E. Dewey: It was time for a change.

Thomas Jefferson: All chickens, having been created equal, have the inalianable right of freedom to travel as they desire..



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Religious
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. YEAH! YEAH!

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Mohammed: It is not for the chicken to cross the road but for the road to come to the chicken

Moses: And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." and the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

The Pope: That is only for God to know.



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Psychological
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen.

Sigmund Freud: **** Envy!

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Sigmund Freud: Sometimes a chicken is just a chicken and a road is just a road.



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Computers/Business
Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 780. Which will not only cross roads but will also lay eggs and file your important documents.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

The Chick-fil-A cows: We don't know, but someone should eat that chikin



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Civil Rights
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.



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Literary
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Chicken Little: The sky fell

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Ernest Hemingway: Ask me not why the chicken crosses. It crosses for thee.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!$B%_

(BD Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Dorothy Parker: Chicks that cross the road. Are never served cold.

e. e. cummings: chicken legs moving road car missed safety

Edgar Allan Poe: Quote the chicken, "Nevermore."

Eeyore: Doesn't matter. Probably will get run over anyway. Just like a chicken. Fal-de-ral and merriment. I'm going to eat my thistles.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning: Why doth the chicken cross the road, let me count the ways.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Dr. Frankenstein: Because it's alive! Alive!

George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving its interests.

The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

Hamlet: Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles.

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Herman Melville: Aye, aye! and I'll chase the great White Chicken across the road, and round the horn, and round the norway maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up.

Hugh Hefner: To express her sexual freedom.

Ian Malcolm: A butterfly flaps its wings in Beijing, and a chicken crosses Wall Street.

Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.

Othello: Jealousy.

Robert Frost: It was the road less traveled and that made all the difference.

Sappho: Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.

Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

William Shakespeare: (1) A chicken with any other name would cross the same. (2): To cross or not to cross? That is the question.

Will Rogers, Jr.: I never saw a chicken I didn't like. If he wishes to cross, it is his right to do so.



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1. The Poets
James K Baxter: When the chicken bought the farm the braken made it's bed. And why not cross the road? the Magpies said.

William Blake:

Little chicken, who set thee free To wander here on Highway Three? "Oh, sir, your question's very odd; He is called the Lamb of God."

Little chicken, crushed and bleeding, You did not see that auto speeding. "Oh, sir, do not sit and brood: God just had a Tygerish mood."

Elizabeth Barrett Browning:

Why doth the chicken cross the road, let me count the ways.

Robert Burns:

Fair Fa Your Honest Sonsie Face Great Chieftain O' The Chicken Race The blackened road 'ahind ye said Ye best run quick ere ye be deid!

e. e. cummings chicken legs moving road car missed safety

Emily Dickinson: (1) Because it could not stop for death.

(2) I've always preferred chickens to people, for they know, but do not tell.

T.S. Eliot: (1) To leave the place she knew for another place And to stay there for a while And then to move onward to a third place.

(2) Do I dare to cross the road?

(3) Weialala leia. Wallala leialala.

(4) It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: (1) It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

(2) Because all life is an experiment and the more experiments you make, the better.

(3) Whoso would be a chicken, must be a nonconformist.

(4) To be great is to be misunderstood. It embarked on a quest for truth in a society that is in conspiracy against the manhood of everyone of its roosters.

Robert Frost: (1) I saw the chickens gently drifting from the trees, Fall had stolen the last of their green The chilly breath of the first fall freeze Now to wait for the buds of the chicken in spring

(2) To cross the road less traveled by.

(3) He was crossing into someone's yard whose woods he didn't know. He would not see the chicken there, to watch his woods fill up with snow...

(4)Whose road this is I think I know, His house is in the village though; He will not see me crossing here To watch his woods fill up with snow.

(5)I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

(6) It was the road less traveled and that made all the difference.

John Gay: Let us takes to the road. Hark, I hear the sound of roosters.

Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss) :

(1) Did the chicken cross the road? Would a chicken take a toad? The chicken took the load across the road with a toad.

(3)Would you, could you cross the street On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck to avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road as though a toad Not with a cluck to avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night With car headlight Not across the road As though a toad Not with a cluck To avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try For it is true, chickens can't fly. Hey! It's not bad, infact it's neat! I truly love to cross the street. Across the road I LOVE to scram. I cross the road, a fowl I am. (By Chris Cracknell)

(2) Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told.

(3) Please dear chicken give it a try For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try For it is true, chickens can't fly. Hey! It's not bad, in fact it's neat!

I truly love to cross the street. Across the road I LOVE to scram. I cross the road, a fowl I am.

Mother Goose:

Mary had a little chick, its comb was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, that chick was sure to go. It followed her to school one day, at least that's what is told. So she became famous in her own way, As the chicken that crossed the road.

Haiku:

Life's destination Chicken crosses asphalt stream Becomes other side

Lure of other side Chicken having crossed the road Must now cross again (By Clynch Varnador)

The chicken, fowl bird, wing and feather aflutter made it 'cross the road. (By David Bunch)

Chicken crossed the road because he said "I want to lay it on the line"

Sam Hunt: So the chicken crossed the road and also rode the cross Our nation's boss the Southern Cross Now bears his PALTRY load.

John Keats: It was a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

Omar Khayam: The moving chicken fingers write, and having writ, move on.

Edward Lear:

(1) There was a chicken from Rome Who had a most beautiful comb You must cross the road Is what he was told Otherwise, you will never get home.

(2) There was a chicken from Del Mar Who decided to travel quite far So she became quite bold And ran across the road And jumped on top of a passing car.

(3) There was a young chicken of Niger, Who went across the road on a tiger, They returned from the ride With the chicken inside And a smile on the face of the tiger.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: To be bold. Deeds are better things than words. Actions mightier than boastings.

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

Dorothy Parker: (1)Travel, trouble, music, art A kiss, a frock, a rhyme The chicken never said they fed its heart But still they pass its time . (2) Chicks that cross the road. Are never served cold.

Alexander Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

Ezra Pound: For Il Duce and Der Fuehrer.

Edwin Arlington Robinson: (1) And the chicken, one calm summer night, went across the road and put a bullet through its head.

(2) The chicken, born too late, scratched its head with the tip of one wing; called the road fate and kept on crossing.

Burma Shave: Why does a chicken Cross the street? She sees a guy She'd like to meet Burma-Shave

Alfred, Lord Tennyson: (1) So that it could sail beyond the sunset.

(2) It is better to have crossed and lost than to never have crossed at all.

Dylan Thomas: To not go gentle into that good night.

Walt Whitman: (1) To cluck the song of itself.

(2) Because lilacs last in the dooryard bloom'd on the other side.

(3) It crosses as it does, that is enough.

William Wordsworth: (1) To have something to recollect in tranquility.

(2) To wander lonely as a cloud.

Virgil: Arms and the chicken I sing, who first from the side of the road. To the other side driven by fate, came at last to the foot of the "don't walk" sign...



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4. The Musicians
Paula Abdul: The chicken was lost in a dream and did not know which way to go.

Ace of Base: The chicken saw the sign.

Aerosmith: The chicken doesn't want to miss a thing.

The Band: To take a load off....

The Beatles: To be free as a bird!

Wolfgang van Beethoven: (1) What? Speak up.

(2) The chicken crossed the road because it was deaf and couldn't hear the approaching truck.

Vicento Bellini: She was a sonnambulist and knew not what she did.

Irving Berlin: Anything she could do, I could do better.

Boyzone: No matter what, the chicken can't deny what it believes in.

Johnny Bravo: (1) Hey man, long time no see chicken's crossing.

(2) Oh mamma, I love them chicks screaming for me.

(3) What a jerk!

John Cage: If you don't know, why ask?

George M. Cohan: Just to ride a pony.

Celin Dion: The chicken is on its journey through eternity.

Bob Dylan: (1) How many roads must one chicken cross?

(2) How many roads must a chicken travel down, before they call him a man?

(3) She walks just like a chicken walks, yeah, she squawks just like a chicken squawks, oh she hen-pecks just like a chicken pecks, but she crosses the road like a little chick.

Gaetano Donizetti: She first saw the light in the camp of the brave grenadiers.

Gloria Estival: He's a bad, bad, bad, bad boy.

Gloria Gaynor: It will survive.

George Gershwin: It aint necessarily so.

W. S. Gilbert: In all our woes that curse our race, there is a hen in the case.

Gilbert and Sullivan: Be firm, be firm my pecker. Your evil stars ascendant.

Spice Girls: The chicken said that it would go across the road for the joy.

Oscar Hammerstein, Jr.: It was such a beautiful morning, such a beautiful day.

Robert Herrick: Cross ye the roads while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying.

Faith Hill: This chick is unstoppable.

Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show: (1) She didn't; she got stoned and she missed it.

(2) To get her picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone

(3) To talk to Sylvia's mother.

Dean Husarik: (1) To get her old age pension! Get it? No! You will when you're 65.

(2) The chicken was stapled to Colonel Saunders.

Janet Jackson: The chicken saw a black cat and wasn't afraid to die on the road.

Michael Jackson: Crossing is HiStory.

Al Jolson: (1) For Mammy. You aint seen nuthing yet.

(2) He'd walk a million miles, for one of your smiles. my Mammy.

Gene Kelly: It was singing in the rain.

The Kingston Trio: (1) The lions still roam the barranca And a hen there is always alone . (2) For a Scotch and Soda.

John Lennon: (1) You may say the chicken is a dreamer, but it's not the only one.

(2) I imagine that all the chickens will cross the road one day.

(3) Reality leaves a lot to the imagination, but crossing the road with your eyes closed is easy.

Alan Jay Lerner: (1) Just to be on the street where she lived.

(2) I know how it feels to have wings on your heels and to fly down the street in a trance. He flew down the street on the chance they'd meet and they met not really by chance.

Bob Marley:Could the chicken be loved?

Don McLain: This will be the day that It dies!

Jim Morrison: To break on through to the other side, I am the chicken king

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: How delightful 'tis to wander, by the breath of evening fann'd

Cole Porter: It was just one of those things. Just one of those avian flings.

Elvis Presley: You aint nothin' but a chicken, crossin' all the roads!

Giacomo Puccini: As through the roads, she wanders onward merrily.

Queen: One road, one vision.

Lou Reed: To take a walk on the wild side (From: Pal Tauszig)

Gioacchino Rossini: A litttle voice she heard.

Sash!: The crossing was done in a mysterious time.

Seneca: (1) Nobody crosses by accident. Crossing must be learned.

(2) After crossing the road there is the other side.

Vonda Shephard: The chicken questioned its soul tonight and it knew that it could shine a light to find the way back home across the road.

John Phillip Sousa: He was marching to a different tune.

Frank Sinatra: (1) 'Cause the chick... is a tramp!

(2) He had to do it, his way

Sting & Aswad: There has to be an invisible sun on the other side that gives its heat and hope to every chicken.

The Rolling Stones: To give sympathy to the Devil.

U2: (1) It was the sweetest thing.

(2) The chicken can't cross with or without you.

Richard Wagner: The unexplained, unpenetrated cause of all these woes, who will to us disclose?

Vengaboys: The chicken would like to party from New York to San Francisco.

Giuseppe Verdi: (1) Ever free shall she still hasten madly on from pleasure to pleasure

(2) La pollo mobile.

Tom Waits: ...and the chicken, decked out in Foster Grant wraparounds and Purina checkerboard slacks, cruised across La Cienica Boulevard in a 1959 monkey-****- brown Buick Super, while the yellow biscuit of a buttery cue-ball moon came rolling maverick across an obsidian sky, and why? you say? Cause that's life, and that's what all the chickens say. You're one one side in April, and you're seriouly run down in May ....

Kurt Weill: Chicken's sneakin' round the corner, afraid of meeting Mack the Knife.

John Williams: I'll have to thoroughly research the chicken's musical background before I can compose a road-crossing theme.

Stevie Wonder: I'm glad I'm blind and couldn't see when it was hit by a truck.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

18. The Authors-Modern

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

: (2 ) There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly why the chicken crossed the road, the Universe instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Isaac Asimov: The third law of Chickens states that a chicken must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not injure a human being or disobey an order of a human being.

Clive Barker: He was drawn to the road, and he didn't so much cross the road as the road crossed him. And once across, the chicken entered into a frightening void, filled only with the screams of a thousand agonized souls. The hands of doom reached out of the blackness, strangling the chicken, smothering him, suffocating him. He could not escape, as no one who crosses the road can escape. He was now a prisoner of the Cenobytes, doomed to an eternity of pain.

Emma Bombeck: The grass is always greener on the other side of the road.

Ben Bova:To be reunited with beautiful grey-eyed Athena, the woman he has loved for all of time.

Ray Bradbury:"A chicken crossing the road is an impossibility in an impossible universe.

Bennett Cerf: The lions on that side were more friendly; he crossed to get to the other pride.

Raymond Chandler: (1) Across these mean streets a chicken must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero; he is everything. He must be a complete chicken and a common chicken and yet an unusual chicken. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a chicken of honor - by instinct, by inevitability, withough thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best chicken in his world and a good enough chicken for any world.

(2) She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black jewels and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise might envy. I knew that if they made her a free-range chicken she'd grab the first opportunity and never look back.

Quentin Crisp: The difficulty with chickens is that they are not returnable.

Tom Clancy:The Mark 84 gargleblaster that the chicken carried, at the heart of which was an inferior ex-Soviet excimer laser system, had insufficient range to allow the chicken to carry out its mission from this side of the road.

John S. Crosbie: If her father had known she had crossed the road, he would have turned over in his gravy.

Peter De Vries: If you want a final opinion on the mystery of the chicken crossing the road and all that, I can give it to you in a nutshell. Why the chicken crossed the road is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked up in the safe.

Harlan Ellison :Because he had no beak and must scream.

William Faulkner: The chicken, weighed down by the burden of a thousand chickens before her who in the swirling dust of the lightbespeckled dusk of far fields in the long gone time of Gettysburg and Cold Harbor and Vicksburg, picked her way through the brown and muddy road as she sought to relive the faded glory and dying dreams of Grandmother--Grandmother whose eggs were sacrificed in one swirling raid upon the General's tent one crisp October morning because Jeb Stuart was lacking coffee.

F. Scott Fitzgerald: The chicken stood at the side of the road, intent upon the green light glowing at day's end.

John Fowles: Roosters love to cross the road because it allows them to look serious. Because it is the one thing that stops hens from laughing at them.

Allen Ginsberg: (1) The chicken got busted in its pubic feathers returning through Laredo with a belt of marijuana for New York.

(2) It went out whoring through Colorado in myriad stolen nightcars.

(3) How many flies buzzed round you innocent of your grime, while you cursed the heavens of the road and your flower soul?

John Grisham: The phone in the chicken coop was bugged.

The Guinness Book of Records: POULTRY: Road Crossings: 6248 chickens, owned by Sarah and Bud Knox, crossed Highway 66 near Des Moines, Iowa, on April 7, l975. The crossing took three hours and twenty-four minutes and resulted in a line of stopped cars for almost two miles.

Robert Heinlein: (1) Because with the freedom the chicken was given, it was the chicken's responsibility to do so.

(2) The more widely dispersed chickens are throughout the Universe, the better the long-term prospects for the survival of the chicken species.

(3) To grok.

Joseph Heller: The chicken had to cross because not crossing meant he would die, a victim Milo's black market. Of course, crossing meant he would die anyway as the jeep zoomed by. So he could have crossed and died. Or he could have stayed put and died. Those were his only choices, so he had to cross. Or not cross.

Ernest Hemingway: (1) To die. In the rain.

(2) Ask me not for whom the chickens cross. They cross for thee.

(3) They had made this crossing with the minimum of comfort. There was no hardship; but there was no luxury and the chicken had thought that it could get back into training that way.

(4) Just when the chicken crossed the road the hyena stopped whimpering in the night and started to make a strange, human, almost crying sound.

Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe which explains why a chicken would wish to cross the road, though I don't know what it's a plan for."

Eugene Ionesco: He was the last chicken left, and was staying that way until the end.

Jack Kerouac:The chicken hipster, high on tea and the soul groves of Charlie (the bird) Parker, strolled aimlessly on the road looking for his dharma.

Gary Larson: Don't ask me. I am retired.

John Le Carre: Because it knew, at the core of its being where none could ever reach, that its only course of action now that its cover was blown wide open was to try and slip away into the grey, foggy, bleak evening before Smiley came, accompanied by his silent shadow Peter Guillam, asking questions for which there could never be answers.

John D. MacDonald: In any emotional dilemma, the thing a chicken must do is the one that's the hardest.

H. C. Mencken: There's no underestimating the intelligence of the American chicken.

Flannery O'Connor: The chicken, tail feathers spread, crossed the road seeking the face of God.

George Orwell: (1) Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was only serving their interests.

(2) To show the cattle and sheep it could be done. The pigs being more equal did not need the lesson.

(3) Because Big Brother was watching to make sure that it did cross the road, although in its heart, the chicken never did.

Ayn Rand: (1) The chicken crossed the road in order to get away from the flock that is stifling his creativity.

(2) If not for the intransigently independent vision of that first chicken, none of the other chickens would have been able to cross the road. And they condemned him for his acheivement!

(3) Every chicken crossing was made in the name of an altruistic motive. Has any act of selfishness ever equalled the carnage perpetrated by disciples of altruism?

(4) It was crossing the road because of its own rational choice to do so. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to each individual.

(5) For freedom and morality. He took the action to cross for his individual personal reasons and for his own self-interest irregardless of the interests of the sommunity or those around him. To do otherwise would be evil.

(6) A chicken's first duty is to itself. And only by living for itself is it able to achieve the things which are the glory of chickenkind. Such is the nature of achievement.

Robert Ripley: In Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, a chicken crossed the road 76,392 times in one week. Believe It Or Not.

Tom Robbins: (1)Few chickens get the blues, but he made it across the road skinny legs and all.

(2)Well you see, that chicken was a special chicken who was a descendent of a parrot family that once built pyramids for tourist pharohs. This chicken liked the other side of the road whose shamanic whispers beckoned Anastasia, the parrot, like the popped cherry of a ritually consumated white wedding. That's the meaning of it all, baby!

Spider Robinson: Glad. Sad. Mad. What else is there?

Carl Sagan: To see the billions and billions of stars.

Isaac Bashevis Singer: (1) Vat I vant to know is vat drives a chicken to live the right kind of life, and vat makes another vone do terrible things against himself, against the Almighty.

(2)We must believe the chicken crossed with free will. We have no choice.

Mickey Spillane: She was a bantam bombshell with a body that could rock Plymouth and a feather on top of her comb, as I watched her crossing the road slowly slithering towards my cubbyhole I call an office.

Adin Steinsaltz: See my book, The Many Petalled Chicken.

Theodore Sturgeon: 95% of what's written here is chicken****.

Hunter S. Thompson: (1) Out of despair and fear.

(2) Why the &*%$#@ not?

Edward P. Tryon: In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that a chicken crossing the road is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.

Kurt Vonnegut: And so it goes -- to the other side.

Bill Watterson: The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that chickens will not cross the road..

William Carlos Williams: (1) Because: so much depends upon a red wheel barrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens

(2) The chicken is dead, the old bastard.

(3) In that great picture the chicken dances round, and go round and around, and that's how it crosses.

Robert Anton Wilson: Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take over the world's egg production..

Tom Wolfe: Kesey, muscles rippling under his shirt, a mysterious smile on his face, surrounded by the Merry Pranksters, placed the chicken at the road's edge. The chicken paused at the edge of the road, looking this way and that, and then rending the air with a tremendous, "ba-BAAWWWWKKK!" bolted across the road, its disheveled wings flapping uselessly about, leaving a trail of feathers and dander that, whenever two-ton chromium steel, 300 horsepower tail-finned symbols of Detroit's and America's supremacy passed, would swirl in a miniature version of a cyclone like the ones Mr. and Mrs. America see on the TV news every evening when he's come home from work and she's setting the table for dinner, both only half paying attention to the cyclones that devastate midwestern cow towns on sweltering summer afternoons. And the heat, dander, tornados, asphalt, tail-fins and the sweat of Mr. and Mrs. America as they move mechanically in their daily routine like the figurines in one of those huge medieval clocks on some cathedral in some European town, moving in the same way, every hour on the hour, it was all summed up by the "ba-BAAWWWWKKK!" of a scampering chicken accompanied by the "skritch, skritch" of its feet.

Roger Zelazny: A swirl of color; The smell of fresh baugettes eaten at a little bistro on Siene; The music of a far-away church choir; Click. A shifting, a renewal; light/dark, the sun a gigantic egg glowing a putrid green; fragments of Charlie Parker and Mingus. Its mind coalesed to a single act of Will, timeless, eternal, the chicken crossed the Road. To seek Order out of Chaos. To regain its memory. To collapse..

19. The Authors: Non-Contemporary

Aesop: (1) The grass is always greener on the other side of the road.

(2) The Rooster and the Jewel: A rooster, scratching for food for himself and his hens, found a precious stone and exclaimed: "If your owner had found you, and not I, he would have taken you up, and have set you in your first estate; but I have found you for no purpose. I would rather have one barleycorn than all the jewels in the world." And so he crossed the road hoping that there is food there.

(3) The chicken and its dog: A chicken about to set out on a journey saw its dog stand at the door stretching himself. The chicken asked him sharply: "Why do you stand there gaping? Everything is ready but you, so come with me instantly." The dog, wagging his tail, replied: "O, master! I am quite ready; it is you for whom I am waiting."

(4) The dog and the chicken: A hound having started a chicken on the hillside pursued her across the road, at one time biting her with his teeth as if he would take her life, and at another fawning upon her, as if in play with another dog. The chicken said to him, "I wish you would act sincerely by me, and show yourself in your true colors. If you are a friend, why do you bite me so hard? If an enemy, why do you fawn on me?'

(5)The chickens and the lions: The chicken gave a speech at the assembly of animals, and argued that all should be equal in crossing the road. The lions made this reply: "Your words, oh chicken, are good; but they lack both claws and teeth such as we have."

Sholom Aleichem: On one side of the road which lead through the town of Chelm there stood a chicken...

Dante Alighieri: For liberty What is liberty but the unhampered translation of will into act?

Jane Austen: Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single chicken, being posessed of a good fortune and presented with a good road, must be desirous of crossing.

Josh Billings: I don't care how much a chicken walks, if he only doess it in a few steps. )

Bertolt Brecht: It is the chicken's will to go with the rooster it loves. It does not want to count the costs or consider whether it is good.

Bulwer-Lytton: It was a dark and stormy road, the rain glistening in the headlights of passing wagons, the horses heads' drooping against the wind and the tears from the sky, and their great muscles straining against the weight of the wagon, when the chicken, without looking up, which he could have, and perhaps should have, done, began his arduous trek across the muddy rivulets that ran ultimately into the sound.

Samuel Butler: The chicken crosses through consciousness and intelligence. For even the embryo of the chicken we claim the same kind of reasoning power and contrivance which we claim for the amoeba or for our own intelligent performances in later life.

Albert Camus: (1) The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really upset him. as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.

(2) It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

(3) Seeing that an indifferent world lied on all sides of the road, the chicken knew it would be absurd not too cross, and for that moment, the chicken knew what it was to really be alive. It was if the bird had been asleep its entirely up until this choice was put before him. So, with a newfound determination and a smile, the chicken valiently crossed the road only to be put out of its mercy by an eighteen wheeler.

Willa Cather: Those blank roads, without the stream of cars pouring through them, were like empty jails. It struck young chicken that this was the trouble with wide roads; they asphalted you in. But as the years passed, all alike, the chicken began to get a little restless. What Rosicky really hoped for his chicks was that they could get through the road without ever knowing much about the cruelty of eighteen wheelers. "Their mother and me ain't prepared them for that."

Miguel de Cervantes: T'is the part of a wise chicken to cross the road today for tomorrow and not venture all his eggs in one basket.

Geoffry Chaucher: (1) In Southwerk at the Tabard as the chyken lay, redy to wenden on its pilgrimage to Canterbury with ful devout corage.

(2) So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

Thomas De Quincy: Because it ran out of opium.

John Doone: Ask me not for whom the chickens cross. They cross for thee.

Feodor Dostoevski: To be struck by a passing car. The most meaningful reality in life is individual freedom, and the supreme expression of individual freedom is suicide.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: (1) The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

(2)On the other side of the road is peace.

Thomas Hardy: The road was black, the sky was white (and so were the feathers) as the bright red mark on the top of the chicken's head gleamed in the twilight. It was a pure chicken and it was doomed.

Joel Chandler Harris: (1) Brer Fox, he wink his eye slow, en lay low, en the chick'n, it ain't sayin' nothing en crossin' the road.

(2) Bless grashus, honey, dat it didn't. Who? It? You dunno nuthin' 'tall 'bout de chick'n crossin'.

Nathaniel Hawthorn: Many characteristics - and those, too, which contribute not the least forcibly to impart resemblance in a sketch - must have vanished, or been obscured, before the chicken crossed the road with the burning scarlet letter on its breast.

O Henry: Turn up the lights, the chicken doesn't want to go across the road in the dark.

Aldous Huxley: To find a brave new world.

Henrik Ibsen: To seek some type of life in which she can be more than a mere doll.

Henry James: He had been a natural leader, the King of the coop, until that fateful day when he tried to cross the road He was thrown fifty feet by a speeding car driven by a thoughtless youth celebrating his twenty-first birthday. And now he returns every year on the anniversary of that fateful event. That was not a chicken you saw crossing the road. That was an apparition, a poultrygeist.

James Joyce: (1) Once upon a time, a nice little chicken named baby tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down.

(2): To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of its race.

(3) Mrs. Hahn, ****'s wife, flapflopped from an ova eggspressed (one l'ouvre, end sot) and charged that lewd brigade into any tennis sun in this faunanimal whirled.

(4) So there'll be iggs for the brekkers come to mournhim, sunny side up with care.

Franz Kafka: (1) I woke up one morning to discover that I had been turned into a chicken. I immediately felt a compulsion to cross the road. I can not say why.

(2) Dieter, now in the form of a chicken, was running from the government's torture machine. The machine, an instrument of death, slowly obliterated the souls of its victims. Dieter was alone. He was running for his life, his insignificant life.

(3) The indifferent maze of tortuous twisted roads criss-crossed one another without reason. But they all lead to the Castle and at the gate stood a guard. The chicken had to pass the guard.

(4) Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Jack London: To answer the call of the wild.

H. P. Lovecraft: (1) To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose, polypous, indescribably horrible abomination not from our space-time continuum.

(2) To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness.

(3) To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!

Christopher Marlowe: He sold his soul to the devil.

Herman Melville: Aye, aye! and I'll chase the great White Chicken across the road, and round the horn, and round the norway maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up.

H. C. Mencken: There's no underestimating the intelligence of the American chicken.

Joe Miller: That was no chicken, that was my wife.

A.A. Milne: (1) While it crossed, it was humming a song about honey.

(2) I imagine that if I thought very hard I should come up with a reason. (also applicable to Winnie the Pooh)

John Milton: (1) To justify the ways of God to men

(2) To look for the pair of dice she lost.

Gearge Orwell: Because chickens are more equal than other foul.

Samuel Pepys: (1) A chicken, which cost me much money, and I pray God to make me able to pay for it.

(2) Pretty witty chicken.

(3) To the road and across with my parmesan cheese in its peck. And it was a sad sight, indeed, as a truck hit it.

Edgar Allan Poe: (1) Quoth the chicken,"Nevermore!"

(2) For a cask of Amontillado.

Emily Post: (1) When a chicken is confronted with a road, it is only proper for the chicken to stand erect, turn to face the road, look both ways and cross... remembering to send a sincere thank you letter within one month of the event.

(2) It was the proper course to take.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Sir Walter Scott: Oh, what a tangled coop it weaved,when fitst it practiced to deceive.

George Bernard Shaw: (1) The reason is that there are no reasons.

(2) Attempting to stop the chicken is an extreme form of censorship.

(3) Beware of the chicken whose God is on the road."

William Shakespeare: (1) I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

(2) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.

(3) This is the road of chicken's discontent, Made ignoble abbatoir by this half-ton truck... (Richard II)

(4) Bring me no more reports, let them fly all; 'Til a chicken remove to other side of road I cannot taint with fear. What is this chicken? Was he not born of hen? The spirits that know All fowl consequences have pronounced me thus: "Fear not, MacNugget; no chicken that's born of hen Shall e'er lay beak upon thee." (Macbeth)

(5) If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly: if the crossing Could scoot across the dotted line, and catch, Beyond passing car, sidewalk; that but these feathers Might be the be-all and end-all here, But here, at this corner of street and avenue, We'd cross at the light to come. (Macbeth)

(6) To cross, or not to cross? That is the question, Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The wheels and axles of the city's mass transit Or to take flight against a sea of motorists And by opposing, end me? To cross, to peep No more! And by that peep to say we end The chickhood and the thousand fender-shocks That chicken is heir to. 'Tis a perambulation Devoutly to be wish'd. (Hamlet)

(7) A chicken with any other name would cross the same.

(8) To Cross or not to cross? That is the question.

(9) Fair is foul and foul is fair, hover through the fog and filthy air.

E.E. (Doc) Smith: Your humble narrator can barely do justice to this climactic event that rent asunder the fundamental ether of space itself, as the chicken, embodying all that is good and hard and straight and keen in the Avain world, fearlessly approached, bridged, and conquered the road for Civilization.

Edmund Spenser: (1) All crossing is for love, and nothing for reward.

(2) Cross the road, whilst yet is time.

Gertrude Stein: The road? There is no there.

John Steinbeck: The road baked in the relentless summer sun as the chicken, looking about, began to cross. It stopped occaisionally to peck at a grass seed that had become lodged in a crevice in the cracked macadam. The chicken reached the other side, then began making his way to the Salinas, which lay muddy and turgid in the July afternoon, all the while thinking of the cool shade by the river and how good the can of beans in his bedroll would taste tonight.

Jonathan Swift: (1) The chicken had to be very careful not to step on any of those Lilliputian cars.

(2) Behold the fatal day arrive! "How is the Chciken?" - "It's just alive." Now the departing prayer is read. "The Chicken crosses" - "The Chicken is dead."

(3) It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.

Henry David Thoreau: (1) To live deliberately, and suck all the marrow out of life.

(2) To be wild and free like all good things.

J. R. R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which count- less tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name.

Anthony Trollope: Why, to avoid Mrs. Proudy and Mr. Slope, of course

Mark Twain: (1) The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

(2) It is the dressing. There is no power without dressing. Without dressing, I would be commonplace, inconsequential.

(3) Did it cross the road? Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

(4) There was things which the chicken stretched, but mainly it told the truth about the crossing.

(5) Ain't we got all fools in town on our side of the road? And ain't that a big enough majority in any town?

Voltaire: (1) I don't believe the chicken should cross the road, but I'll defend to the death his right to do so.

(2) Chickens have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills.

Unknown Authors: I don't know why everyone keeps on talking about the chicken that crossed the road. As far as I am concerned someone built a road across the chicken's path.

Oscar Wilde: (1) This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them are equally shallow

(2)There's only one way to get rid of temptation, and that's to yield to it.

(3) Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

20. The Philosophers

Nicola Abbagnano: Because it is necessary, Thus can possible and freedom co-exist.

Agesilaus: It is circumstance and proper timing that give crossing the road its character and make it either good or bad.

Albert the Great: He crossed of his own free will after observing the alignment of the heavenly bodies which told him it was opportune to do so.

Aristotle: (1) To actualize its potential.

(2) It is the essense of chickens to cross the road.

Francis Bacon: (1) Only a child can know.

(2) To retain his own dignity without intruding upon the liberty of others.

Jeremy Bentham: For the greatest happiness of the greatest number.

Paul de Man: (1) The chicken did not really cross the road because one side and the other are not really opposites in the first place.

(2) So no one would find out it wrote for a collaborationist. Belgian newspaper during the early years of World War II.

Jacques Derrida: (1) What is the difference? The chicken was merely deferring from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea of the chicken in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?

(2) Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD.

(3) The question admits of limitless answers, since there is no one logocentric strategy of discourse that takes primacy over all others.

Rene Descartes: (1) It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

(2) The chicken was merely a machine and was crossing due to the deterministic nature of the universe.

Diogenes: It was looking for an honest bird.

Epicurus: (1) For fun.

(2) To enjoy the great festival of life with other hens.

Ibn Ezra: It was not a specific chicken, it was any chicken (cf. Rashi)

Viktor Frankl: It was searching for meaning. William Hazlitt: When a chicken crossing ceases to be a subject of controversy, it ceases to be a subject of interest.

Georg Wilheim Frederick Hegel: (1) Only through the synthesis of the dialectical chicken and road could the spirit transcend the experience of crossing.

(2) Chickens and poultry have never learned anything from history, or acted on principals deduced from it.

Heschel: If that chicken makes it to the other side I'll be radically amazed!

Thomas Hobbes: By its own free will in the drive for self-preservation in the absence of external impediaments.

Eric Hoffer: When chickens are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Doug Hofstadter:To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Immanuel Kant: (1) Because it was its duty.

(2) The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

(3) The pure transcendental concept of the road, having been deduced a priori and without dependence on intuitions, is given in the mode of the chicken as an end in itself, while crossing the road as a hypothetical imperative, namely, as acting towards some end allowed by Reason.

Soren Kierkegaard: The chicken is dead. The road is nothing.

Levi Lauer: Levinas is the key contemporary thinker on this problem.

Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibnitz: (1) It is a necessity in this best of all possible worlds.

(2) In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

Levinas: [Answer completely unintelligible]

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty,

Machiavelli: (1) So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

(2) The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Karl Marx: (1) It was a historical inevitability.

(2)To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

(3) She was driven by the lash of economic necessity.

(4) To obtain the opiate of the masses.

John Stuart Mills: It was a utilitarian function. She had tasks that were better performed on the other side.

Thomas More: For the good life and pleasure of all chickens.

Friedrich Nietzsche: (1) Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

(2)There was no chicken, no road, no crossing. There was only an interpretation.

(3) To make man uncomfortable, that is the chicken's task.

Camille Paglia: It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian power of the feminine which men can never understand, to cross the road and focus itself on its task. Hens are not capable of doing this - their minds do not work that way. Feminism tries vainly to pretend there is no real difference between them, falsely following Rousseau. But de Sade has proved....

Plato: (1) For the greater good.

(2) The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road. Therefore, imperfect chickens in this world cross imperfect roads, imperfectly.

(3) Because it is in the nature of chickens, strictly defined in as much as they are chickens, to cross roads.

Alexander Pope: To cluck is avian, to cross devine.

Richard Posner: As a perfectly rational, utility-maximizing being, the chicken, aware of the possible consequences of its act, voluntarily faced the risk that it would be injured while crossing the road, in order to obtain the benefits that it perceived to accrue from that transaction. Allowing chickens to make this sort of decision, unfettered by restrictions by government or elsewhere on their freedom of choice, is absolutely necessary if an efficient and free society is to be maintained . Any Philosophy 101 Professor: Why not?

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Rosenzweig: The chicken hasn't actually crossed yet, but I hope it may one day do so.

Jonathan Sacks: It is impossible to answer this quesion, (or, for that matter, any other), without referring to Alasdair MacIntyre's magisterial "After Virtue" (London: Duckworth, 1981). His argument is taken further in his "Whose Justice ? Which Rationality ?" (Londonuckworth, 1988) and "Three Rival Versions of Moral Enquiry" (London: Duckworth, 1990). Also of interest are his earlier works, "A Short History of Ethics" (London: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1967), "Against the Self-Images of the Age" (London: Duckworth, 1971) and especially "Secularization and Moral Change" (London: OUP, 1967). MacIntyre's ideas are developed in a theological context in Stanley Hauerwas, "The Peaceable Kingdom" (London:SCM,1983). The Talmud Bavli and the London Beth Din also hold views on this question.

Jean-Paul Sartre: (1) In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road

(2) To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.

(3) Because there was NO EXIT.

George Santayana: Animal faith.

Socrates: (1) I will think about it.

(2) To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

Baruch Spinoza: To affirm his essance as a part of nature and God.

Akiva Taz: Crossing is the correction of the ego.

Henry David Thoreau: (1) To live deliberately... and suck all the marrow out of life.

(2) To be wild and free like all good things.

Arnold Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: (1) The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

(2) There are indeed things that cannot be put into words. They make themselves manifest. They are what is mystical.

(3) What we cannot explain we must pass over in silence.

(4) Because it had reached bedrock, and its spade was turned.

Zeno of Elea: (1) To prove it could never reach the other side.

(2) The chicken can never reach the other side because there are an infinitessimal number of segments between him and the other side

Zeno The Skeptic: Did she really cross the road? How can you be certain?

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

21. The Fictional Characters

Morticia Addams: He looks so sweet. Looks just like a little entree.

Anonymous Aggie: To demonstrate to the armadillo that it COULD be done!

Garth Algar (Wayne's World): Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where the chicken crossed the road and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool huh?

King Arthur of the Britons: What do you mean? African or European chickens?

Paul Atreidies: What name have you for the chicken shaped stain upon your road? That shall be the name that you shall call me!

Mother Angelica: Honey, Chickens just can't cross roads.

Bilbo Baggins: Oh what I wouldn't give to back in my nice, warm Hobbit-hole! I hope I never have to lay eyes on such a thing as that chicken again!

Baldrick: It had a cunning plan.

The Bandit, in The Treasure of The Sierra Madre: "Chickens? Chickens? We don't need no stinkin' chickens!"

Buckaroo Banzai: "Wherever the chicken goes, there he he is."

Yogi Bear: He was smarter than the average chicken.

Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis: Because it sucks.

Butt-Head: Heh, heh, heh!

Beowulf: (1)"That was no pleasant journey, not one on which the famous son of Ecgtheow would wish to leave his land; against his will he must take up a dwelling place elsewhere."

(2) The judgment of God would control the deeds of every chicken.

The Men in Black: No object is more mistaken for a chicken than the planet Venus. You never saw a chicken. <flash>

Blackadder: Queenie: Because I told it to. Percy: To acquire a hunk of purest green Lord Flasheart: To DOOOOOOOOO IT!

Rick Blaine: If she don't cross that road she'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of her life.

Elwood Blues: They're not gonna catch it. It's on a mission from God!

James Bond: World domination. The same old dream. Our asylums are full of chickens who think they're Napoleon. Or God.

Bottom: To say the truth, reason and love keep chickens crossing now-a-days.

Charlie Brown: (1) The chicken was depressed.

(2) I think it is only natural for little chickens to cross the road.

(3) I don't even know what's going on...

Dr. Emmet Brown: Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads.

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce:To grab a Fosters and get away from the poofters!

Bukowski: To go to the bar, pick a fight, and find a good hen.

Archie Bunker: I don't care what them there chickens do, as long as they stay on THEIR side of the street!

Bugs Bunny: What's up, cluck?

Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Mike Callahan: Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased; shared chicken is soup.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

The Cat: Curiosity killed the chicken.

Bill the Cat: (1) Oop Ack.

(2) Ack. Thpppbt

Charlie Chan: (1) Hasty conclusion easy to make, like hole in water.

(2) Truth, like oil, will in time rise to surface.

Jean Chretien: OK, for me, de chicken, 'e crossed de road because 'is team was der, and because 'e 'ad de plan.

Beaver Cleaver: I dunno Wally. Wh-Why would a chicken cross the road?

David Cooperfield: To be the hero of its own life.

Vito Corleone: We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

Ichabod Crane: I couldn't tell. He was running around without his head.

Arthur Dent: Are you sure the chicken is from Beetelgeuse, and not from Gilford after all?

Dexter: Omelette du fromage. <shakes fist at Schrodinger> OMELETTE! DU! FROMAGE!!!

Dilbert: (1) I hate it when the title gives away the plot!

(2) To establish asynchronous file transfer protocols.

Dorothy: Toto, I have a feeling it isn't in Kansas any more.

Count Dracula: The chicken needed fresh blood.

Humpty Dumpty: A little chicken was crossing the road, The little chicken was hit on the road. All the King's Horses and all the King's men, Couldn't put it together again.

Wyatt Earp:Well, chicken, are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?

Eeyore: (1) If it did. Which I doubt. Not that it matters.

(2) Doesn't matter. Probably will get run over anyway. Just like a chicken. Fal-de-ral and merriment. I'm going to eat my thistles.

Phil Esterhouse: I told him, "Lets be careful out there."

Faithless: The road is the chicken's church.

Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

Sybil Fawlty: Basil! Why is there a chicken in my hotel?

Dutchess of Fenway: To get aid from the U. S. government.

Dr. Johnny Fever: To escape from the Phone Cops!

Fiver (from Watership Down): Don't you see it? The sky has turned to blood, the field has turned to fire... The chickens! Don't you see the chickens?

Lord Flasheart: To dooooooooo it!.

Dr. Frankenstein: Because it's alive! Alive!

Barney Fyfe: Now Andy, let me tell you a thing or two about chickens. Chickens cross roads in those other counties, but not here in Mayberry. No chicken crosses no roads in Mayberry without Deputy Fyfe knowing about it!

Galahad: It was sworn to chastity.... but I think I can stay a bit..

Gandalf: O chicken, do not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are tasty and good with barbecue sauce.

Gordon Gekko (Wall Street): For greed.The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works.

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a rooster in my bathroom.

Joe Gideon: It's showtime, folks!

Frank Bunker Gilbereth:To minimize its therbligs

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost! (sing that one)

Jim Gillis: The chicken crossed the road to show the gophers it could be done.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to cross the road and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away.

The Great Gonzo: Camilla, come back!

Sir Charles Grandiose: As surely as the golden hairs turn to silver, as surely as the sands drift silently through the slender neck of the hourglass, the last sunny days of summer flee soundlessly under autumn's chilly embrace. And with those last days of that warmest and most joyful of seasons, left the road's edge the sprightliest young chicken ever a Baronet did see

Hercules Gryptyppe-Thynne, (All-around Public-School Cad): That's not a chicken! It's a clever disguise, inside of which is Count Jim "Thighs" Moriarity.....

Forrest Gump: My Mama always says, "stupid is what stupid does."

Hamlet: (1) Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles.

(2) To cross or not to cross? That is the question.

Queen of Hearts: It doesn't matter. Off with its head.

Hobson: He had no choice.

Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson. She was chased across by a nine-month old white Persian with a broken tail and a rose thorn in its right forepaw.

(2) It crossed the road because it was going to catch a train at Victoria Station at 3:15, to Edinburgh. And how did I know that? Observe, Watson, the patina of dust on the chicken's feathers, which indicates that it had been spending time in a library, reading about Scotland. And observe also that it was humming "Bonnie Lassie" as it waited to cross. Finally, and most important, observe the train ticket marked Edinburgh, stuffed under one wing, and the fact that Victoria station was where the chicken crossed the street, and finally that the only train to Edinburgh this afternoon is the 3:15....

Avram Infeld: My dear, you are most beautiful! Let's discuss this question over dinner...

My Friend Irma: The light must have been green.

Jack: It was a goose and it crossed to lay a golden egg.

Marcy Jefferson: Why do you keep calling me a chicken?

Dr. Jekell: She hadn't been feeling herself lately.

Jareth: Sarah, go back to your room. Play with your toys and your costumes. Forget about the chicken.

Indiana Jones: Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.

Charles Foster Kane: Rosebud... Rosebud...

Col. Kilgore: "I love the smell of chickens in the morning"

Dr. Richard Kimble: To find the one-winged rooster who killed his hen.

Lancelot: To perform a dashing and heroic rescue!

Law and Order:

Brisco: For A Bagel

Logan: To buy a plaid tie

Ben Stone: Because the defendant made it, sir.

Dr. Hannibal Lector: So I could eat its liver, with some fava beans and a nice chianti .......thththththththth.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know.

Foghorn Leghorn: To get to that damn Dawg, Boah!

Linus: He was making a blanketsstatement.

Chicken Little: The sky fell

Dave Lister: Because of the smegging space corps directives.

Lazarus Long: Being adventurous is inborn; being complacent is a learned perversity. No resemblance--

Cool Hand Luke: What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Marvin (the paranoid android): (1) "Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you ask me why the chicken crossed the road? I could tell you, but I really don't think it's worth while."

(2) Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and what do they ask me? Why did the chicken cross the road? As if their pathetic cerebellums could even comprehend my answer. Chickens, don't talk to me about chickens... they're SO depressing.

Perry Mason: Cross the road you say? But how can you be sure? No one else would have known the chicken crossed the road except for the real killer!

Brett Maverick: As my pappy used to say, "If someone wants to bet you that that chicken will cross the road to lay an egg, warm up the skillet to make an omlette."

Walter Mitty: Staring out into space, he saw himself rescuing the flock from slaughter, never hearing the approaching truck.

Inigo Montoya1) It too pursues a man with six fingers on his left hand.

(2) Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. The chicken killed my father. It must prepare to die.

Motti: I want two chickens! And three bottles of wine!!

Romeo Montague: What's in a name? That which we call a chicken, by any other name would cross the same.

Mork: Na-Nu, Na-Nu. To find my eggshell.

Morton: There was a fork in the road so what could he do?

Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this chicken-****!

Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?

Peter Norton: It was a virus and it saw me coming...

Scarlett O'Hara: Cross! Cross! Cross! If I hear one more word aboutcrossing the road I'll run in the house and slam the door!

Othello: Then must you speak of one who crossed not wisely, but too well.

(2) Jealousy.

Pandora: He liked discovering new things.

Patsy: Oh, F*&% the chicken. Run it over and lets have a drink.

Percy: To acquire a hunk of purest green

Piglet: Because ch-ch-chickens are such very s-s-s-small animals.

Captain Queeg: You may tell the roosters for me there are four ways of crossing the road: the right way, the wrong way, the chicken way, and my way. If they do things my way, we'll get along.

Queenie: Because I told it to.

The Red Queen: Who cares? Off with it's head!

Don Quixote de la Mancha: (1) He was chasing windmills.

(2) The chicken was not crossing the road but running across the battlefield to fight for the mistress of its heart.

The White Rabbit: It was late!

Rimmer: Aliens!!!

Ellen Ripley: God damn it, that's not all!! 'Cause if one of those chickens get down here then that will be all! And all this chicken**** that you think is so important, you can kiss all that goodbye!

Gen. Jack D. Ripper: To maintain the purity of its precious bodily fluids.

Francisco Scaramanga: We all get our jollies one way or another.

Sgt. Hans Schultz: I saw nothing.

Ebenezer Scrooge: (1) Baaaa. Humbug. It didn't cross the road.

(2) For chickenfeed.

Neddy Seagoon: WhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatWHAT?

Bart Simpson: It's outta here, man!

Homer Simpson: (1) Mmmmmmmmm, chicken.

(2)Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh chicken.

Mrs. Slocum: Now look what you've done, there's chicken all over my pussy!

Snoopy: (1) You got it wrong, kid... all wrong... chasing chickens across roads is "out"... lying on top of doghouses is "in"!

(2) Every now and then I feel that the chicken's existence is justified.

The Sphinx: You must tell me.

Dr. Strangelove: Because it could not afford to be caught on the wrong side of the road-side gap.

Superman: He was faster than a speeding pullet.

E. T.: (1) He wanted to call home.

(2) Chicken, phone home

Grand Moff Tarkin: Fear will keep the chickens in line, fear of this thoroughfare!.

Tim "The Toolman" Taylor: This here bird'll cross that road in no time flat, now that I've made a few "special modifications! We've added the Binford 7100 Multi-Purpose power unit, which I've souped up by adding a United Aircraft PT-6 jet engine - Urrgh urrgh urrgh! Heidi, bring out the chicken, please...

Tevye: (1) As the good book says, "If you cross the road to get out of the rain, its snowing on the other side."

(2) If I were a chicken....

Tiggr: (1) Because that's what chickens do best!

(2)That's the wonderful thing about Chickens, Chasing Chickens is FUN FUN FUN, And the Wonderful thing about Chickens Is that when crossing streets they RUN!

Tim, the Enchanter: It's got wings that... and a beak that... good god man, look at the bones!

Tinman: The chicken wanted a heart.

Kilgore Trout: To prove the universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

Oliver Twist: Please sir, can it cross some more?

Fred Van Ackerman: He did it for the good of the country.

Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.

Dr. Peter Venkman: This chick is "Toast".

Jerry White: Why does a chicken cross the road only half-way? So she can lay it on the line.

Rip Van Winkle: I don't know. I slept through it.

Lord Peter Wimsey: For Napolean Brandy, of course. Its all a matter of taste.

Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the Third: What do you two-bit quacks know about chickens? Did you learn about them in medical school, or did you just read the comic book?

Worf: It's not a shame to fight against the stronger trucks and die.

Mary Worth: Have some chicken soup, dear, and tell me all about it.

X-files: The truth is on the other side of the road.

The Stupendous Yappi: The chicken feels it is not in control of its own destiny. It has feathers - somewhere on its body. It recently laid an egg - or not. <raises eyebrow> Here - it tries to force itself onto the road! But...it cannot cross the road...it is incompetent.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Theodoric of York, the Medievil Barber: Because of an imbalance of bodily humors caused by an elf or small toad living in the chicken's stomach. What this fowl needs is a good bleeding.

Red Zac: So what?

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

22. The Businessmen and Businesses

Alka Seltzer: Try crossing, you'll like it.

American Express: She wouldn't leave home without us.

Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Leonard Armato: Looks like we'll have to come up with something to replace our latest MTV project, "Chicks Cooped Up."

P. T. Barnum: Because there is a foul born every minute.

Ben & Jerry: Our new Ice Cream. Grandma's Funky ChickenSoup Ice Cream, or Funky Chicken for short. We will give20 cents per tub to the Environmental Chicken Fund.

Chick-Fil-A: Because after intensive market analysis, Chic-Fil-A concluded that the franchise would benefit from better traffic patterns on the other side of the intersection. Noam Chomsky:To manufacture consent

Coca-Cola: Because crossing is the real thing.

Delta Airlines: Crossing makes the going great.

United Airlines: For frequent fryer miles.

Western Airlines: It was the only way to fly.

Dial Soap: Aren't you glad he crossed? Don't you wish everyone did?

Walt Disney: It was a Mickey Mouse idea.

Michael Eisner: (1) To cash in $565,000,000.00 in stock options.

(2) To see the Mighty Ducks at the pond.

General Electric: For a better tomorrow

Larry Flint: It was the chicken's constitutional right to free speech.

Ford Motors: He had a better idea.

Henry Ford: Chickens are bunk.

Bill Gates: (1) I have just released the new Chicken 2000 which both crosses AND balances your checkbook though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.499999999938.

(2) To lead the other chickens across the Info Superhighway (NOT road) and into a world where there's a computer in every home. Its just where he wanted to go today.

(3) For the money!

(4) I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. (5) It was bundled with Explorer until the government stepped in.

(6) We own the road. We own the chicken. It's none of your damn business.

(7)Next year (or sometime Real Soon Now), I will release Microsoft Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook --- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the chicken.

Samuel Goldwyn: It created an excitement that swept the country like wild flowers.

Hallmark Cards: We sent him. Because we care enough to send the very best.

Hugh Hefner: To express her sexual freedom.

Hertz: (1) Did he cross? Well, not exactly.

(2) He wanted to be Number One.

Howard Hughes: It was no chicken. It was a spruce goose.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

George Lucas : (1) Because the Force was with it.

(2) You'll have to wait for the next set of movies, 1-3, to find out the real reason why the chicken crossed. The whole point of the current releases, 4-6, is the story of the chicken's redemption crossing.

(3) I originally planned to have a chicken army attack the Stormtroopers on Endor, but the AT-AT walkers kept squishing them

(4) The first chicken crossing scene was underbudget and rushed, so I've used ILM's digital editors to add several more cars and also a school bus, which has nothing to do with story, but I thought looked really cool. The sound effects have been bolstered by the folks at my THX studio, and now, for the first time, you can hear the chicken scream, even though chickens don't really scream, but the sound, I find, helps set the tone of the scene. The chicken itself has been recreated from old footage. We had to edit out the original road and replace it with an updated digital road. It looks nothing like the other roads in the film, but that's okay because I wanted to show the hustle and bustle of a real superhighway, full of the action and of the grand scale that the fans really deserve. The chicken's blaster effects have been improved; now you can clearly see that the Dodge shoots first, making the chicken look less like a cold-blooded killer. That the Dodge missed by about seven feet, even though they were only a lane apart, and that the Dodge had the draw and plenty of time to aim, merely demonstrates the chicken's skill. All in all, the scene is about ten minutes longer, which is still shorter than I originally envisioned, but I felt that adding any more might break the flow of the story. Now the fans can see the chicken cross the road the way it was meant to be seen, on the big screen. Mercury Energy: If the chicken has the power to cross the road it should expect to lose it. If it has already lost it it should not expect it to return for at least 2 weeks. (Auckland's Electricity company. Responsible for the 2 week blackout)

General Motors: He had a better idea., to get to the other side.

Rupert Murdoch: We have launched a new channel devoted entirely to chicken crossings which will rival any channel run by Ted Turner.

Peter Norton: It was a virus and it saw me coming.

Nike: Just did it.

Parker Brothers: To go directly to Jail without passing Go and collecting $200.00.

Suzanne Paul: Howmuchwouldyouexpecttopay?Notonlydoyougetthechickenwithwingsbtalsotheroadandi fyouareoneofthefirst500callersI'llthrowinthisfabulousnaturalglowingcrossingwhi chthousandsoflumionousbluemonkeyshavepaidhundredsforit'syoursfree.Priceexclude sGST,postagepac kagingandspecialcondi tionsapply. (Entreprenueress Introduced hard sell advertising to NZ.)

Frank Perdue: (1) It takes a brave chicken to make a chicken tender.

(2)How the heck do I know? Do I look like a chicken to you -- don't answer that.

(3) I breed the finest chicken I know how, and it crosses the road as part of a vigorous fitness program to raise the leanest, plumpest birds anywhere. Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at the time.

Patek Phillipe: It is a tradition that transcends time.

R. J. Reynolds: It would walk a mile for a camel.

Gene Roddenberry:To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Col. Sanders: (1) Did I miss one?

(2) It Ran, Suh! I offered it a coating of 11 herbs and spices and it ran, Suh! So I shot it, Suh, shot it while it was trying to escape, suh!

(3) It wasn't one of our chickens. Now KFC delivers!

Steven Spielberg: I'm covering this in my new movie, Raiders of the Lost Chicken-Coop, from which all profits will go to my new Chicken Foundation (which my mother, who has experience in these things, is going to head).

George Steinbrenner: (1)Because I offered him a $4 million contract.

(2)Because I fired him!

(3)Because he's now my new manager.

(4)Because I fired him again!

(5) Because he is the best money can buy.

Oliver Stone: (1)The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

(2) He went back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the..

Donald Trump: There are fortunes to be made over there.

Charlie the Tuna: To taste better, not for better taste, but never before its time..

Ted Turner: (1) Chicken crossing is the most popular show on our TSN-5 Channel, easily beating high school tiddly-winks tournements.

(2) The chicken was originally black and white, but we colorized it.

William Shattner for Valueline: I knew that crossing the road would be big. Really Big!

Dean Witter: (1) Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Dean Witter helped the chicken cross in the old-fashioned way, by earning its own way. Let us show what we can do for your chicken today!

(2) He crossed one road at a time.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

23. The Notorious

Note: Some of these quotes appear in another chapter as well.

Marv Albert: Well, actually he was cross dressing.

Ami Amin: A hundred chicken heads will fall for this dastardly act.

Lorena Bobbitt: She was a cut above the others

Mr. Bobbitt: Something was missing from his life on this side.

Lizzie Bordon: I'm just a little girl and an orphan. How could I know a chicken with its head chopped off could still run.

Robert Dornan: They were illegals stealing the election from a real American.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Larry Flint: It was the chicken's constitutional right to free speech.

Hugh Grant: He was up to his old tricks.

Saddam Hussein: (1) This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

(2) It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Rodney King: Why can't the chicken just cross the road?

Ted Kaczynski: To mail a letter.

Michael Jackson: Crossing is HiStory.

Paula Jones: I don't know but I can describe distinguishing characteristics on its pecker.

Mark Lane: There is new, irrefutable evidence that the chicken did not act alone.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Mary Kay LeTourneau: To teach a young **** a lesson.

Monica Levinski: She had been offered a missionary position, so she came across to get a head of the leader.

L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Cotton Mather: She is a witch in league with the devil, who must be Bar-B-Qued on the stake.

Charles Manson: It was Helter Skelter.

Col. Oliver North: (1) I do not recall any such events. I had no knowledge of these occurences.

(2) National Security was at stake.

O. J. Simpson: (1)It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

(2) He didn't. But if he had, it would have been because he loved her very much.

(3) To find the real killer.

Oramge County Supervisors: Because Merrill Lynch advised it.

Brian Patterson and Amy Grossberg: To trash unwanted eggs.

Son of Sam: The dog told it to cross the road.

Lorell Sprewell: I know I shouldn't have choked him but he had stepped over the line when he crossed the road. What was I supposed to do, ignore it.

Kenneth Starr: (1 )It proves there was a cover-up and something pretty foul was going on.

(2) In view of President Clinton's dealings with the Tyson Poultry Company, the matter of the chicken crossing the road is under investigation for its possible connection with the Whitewater affair.

Willie Sutton: Because that's where the money is.

Linda Trapp: She told me everything and I have the tapes to prove it.

Mike Tyson: I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like CHICKEN!

Louise Woodward: To shake up her brood a little.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

24. Computers

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.

Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

VB Chicken: USHighways!<TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Windows 98 Chicken: (1) It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing.

(2) Because the road crashed at the public demonstration.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

25. Monty Python and The Holy Grail

King Arthur: What do you mean? The European or the African variety??

Bedevere: To prove that it was lighter than a duck.

Black Beast of Aaaaurghh: Aaaarghh!!!

Bridgekeeper: What is its favourite colour?

Dennis: To elect a better government.

Dingo: Naughty Naughty chicken! It deserves a spanking.

Knight of Ecky-ecky: To get us a ..... shrubbery .

Herbert's Father: It's ~not~ to cross the road, understand?

Galahad: It was sworn to chastity.... but I think I can stay a bit..

God: To find the Grail!

The Guards: So... even if you come can get it, we're not to cross the road...

Prince Herbert: It didn't want to cross the road, it wanted to....sing..

Historian: Ahhhh!!!

The Black Knight: None shall pass!

Lancelot: To perform a dashing and heroic rescue!

Brother Maynard: You would too if you saw me holding the Holy Handgrenade of Antioch .

Knights of Ni: Because we threatened to say `Ni!' to it!

Robin: Whatever the reason, it was definitely not running away!

Minstrel: The chicken ran away, the chicken ran away..

Tim the Enchanter: It had such big, nasty, pointy teeth!!!

Villagers: Burn it!

Zoot: Because we are eight score blonds and brunettes and we ~are~ so lonely...

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

26. Star Trek To boldly go where no chicken has gone before:

"Friendly" Angel: It was being swept aside to make room for the strong!

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Barclay: Uh, chicken?!! Where?!!! C-c-c-ommander, did I ever mention my problem with small feathered things?

Dr. Bashir: (1) It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.

(2) I suppose it wanted to play some darts.

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the [BEEP] regulations of [BEEP] Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Hugh the Borg: (1)Maybe it just needed a big hug!

(2) Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

(3) Maybe it wanted to be my friend.

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock! I fixed you your favorite Vulcan plomeek and chicken soup!

Chekov: (1) It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time.. did I scream this time?

(2) Chicken intercept course entered, Keptan...

(3) It was a Russian chicken of course!

(3) Of course, road crossing was inwented by Russian chickens.

Commander Chikotay: (1)I'm not sure but I can find out. That chicken is my animal spirit guide.

(2) Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Crewman in red suit: "Captain, this chicken seems to have crossed the ... AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Dr. Wesley Crusher: (1) Maybe since he couldn't make the other side to get to him, -he- had to get to the other side....

(2) If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

(3) I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a level 3 diagnostic on the whootchacallit and...

Emergency Medical Holographic Doctor on U.S.S. Voyager: Maybe it was trying to state the nature of a medical emergency.

Commander Data: (1) The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.

(2) I do not know. Although I have compared all of my 437 billion data points relating to chickens and roads, there is no positive correlation between the two.

Judzia Dax: (1) To get to the other side. Curzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's...

(2) When you remember so many previous lives, it's so boring to stay on one side of the road all the time.

Holo Doc: (1) How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off! (2) Maybe it was trying to state the nature of a medical emergency.

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

Garak: To get to the other side? Of course not! Do you realize how ridiculous that is? I'm sure it was a simple matter of its farmer expelling it from the coop for...embezzling eggs.

Geordi: (1) Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll be there in an hour or two--but any later, and it'll be absolutely impossible for it to make it.

(2) Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Mr. Homn:

Jake: Check out the chick that just came off that transport!

Jabba (Star Wars): (1) Bo shuda chicken!

(2) I have little use for chickens who drop their eggs at first sign of a cross-walk.

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant ... and it probably misses its dog.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Kira: (1) I bet those damn Cardassians were after it!

(2) It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

James Tiberius Kirk: (1) You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed ...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

(2) To . . . GET! . . . totheOTHER! . . . SIDE!

(3) To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Lwaxana: (1) Oh, Jean-Luc!

(2) Oh, Odo!

Marvin (the paranoid android): (1) "Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you ask me why the chicken crossed the road? I could tell you, but I really don't think it's worth while."

(2)Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and what do they ask me? Why did the chicken cross the road? As if their pathetic cerebelums could even comprehend my answer. Chickens, don't talk to me about chickens... they're SO depressing.

Dr. Bones McCoy: (1) I think it's dead, Jim. Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a plucker... (2) How should I know? Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

(3) Captain, it was fleeing from such pain!

(4) How should I know? Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an veterinarian!

Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Seven of Nine: It didn't want to be human.

Nog: To try to get to Starfleet Academy, sir.

O'Brien: (1) No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

(2) Well, it's nothing a good pint or two won't fix.

(3) Well, it wasn't due to a bloody transporter malfunction, I can tell you that.

Odo: (1) I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

(2) I don't have the slightest idea--and I don't particularly care...but then, I've never understood you ornithoids' need to engage in such pointless behavior.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Jean-Luc Picard: (1)To see what's out there.

(2) Because it's shields were down and it had no other options left..

(3) Dammit, that's not for us to answer! It's his fundamental right as a sentient being to determine the time and manner by which he travels towards his goals!

(3) The chicken heard the singular voice of the collective.

(4) Dammit, that's not for us to answer! It's his fundamental right as a sentient being to determine the time and manner by which he travels towards his goals!

(5) There are four lights!

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

Quark: (1) Now really, why would I have bribed him to do it so I could make a tidy profit in the station pool? Besides, all I know is that chicken tastes just like tube grubs.

(2) Who, me?

(3) There was opportunity on the other side.

(4) The 71st rule of acquisition says to go where no chicken has gone before; where there is no reputation there is profit.

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Gene Roddenberry: (1) To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.

(2) To boldly cross the road where no chicken has crossed before.

Sarek: (1) I don't care why it was crossing the road! All I want to know is why it left the coop! So it wanted to "get to the other side"--there is only so far that my tolerance will go!

(2) It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

(3) Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Scotty: (1) Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

(2) 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain! wi' no dilithium crystals left to speak of!

Seven of Nine: Obviously... it became... separated from the collective.

Jake Sisko: (1) I don't care -why- it was crossing the road! All I want to know is -why- it left the coop! So it wanted to "get to the other side"--there is only -so far- that my tolerance will go!

(2) It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

(3) To check out the babe that just came off that transport!

(4) It felt a great yearning to cross the road.

Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

Mr. Spock: (1) Fasincating, Captain, it seems driven by a beam of pure energy.

(2) It is not logical, Captain.

(3)It was not logical for the chicken to do so, but I have frequently observed that the behaviour of chickens is not logical

(4) It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time.

Sulu: (1)Don't call me Tiny!

(2)To get back to San Franciso; it was born there. Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Deanna Troi: (1) I feel the chicken's pain!

(2) It was experiencing -- GREAT PAIN -- TORMENT!

(3) It was running...running away from...no, escaping...oh, Captain, it was fleeing from such -pain-!

(4) Captain, I feel a presence out there!

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...

Mr. Worf: (1) I do not know. Klingon chickens do not cross roads.

(2) I do not know sir, But I recommend we fire a full complement of photon torpedos.

(3) Given the eminent warp core breach, it was the only logical decision

(4) Give the Prime Directive, if a cultural imperative exists on this planet that compels chickens to cross the road, we must not interfere.

(5) Klingon chickens STILL do not cross roads.

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to stay...stay...stay...

Tasha Yar: That depends... was it fully functional?

27. Babylon 5

Mr. Adams: To try to take over the galaxy, like I've been saying.

Bester: (1) There's no delicate way to put this, I want that chicken.

(2) I've never seen that Chicken before in my life.

(3) (to the chicken) Why did you have to cross the road? We are your family. We raised you, clothed you. We are your father and mother. Don't force us to do this.... (the chicken squawks in mortal terror)

Carrion Eate: "That chicken killed in the middle of the road? Tastes just like Narn."

Corwin: I . . . I don't . . . umm . . . You'll have to ask the Commander.

Delenn: (1) I leave for three days, and your chickens start crossing roads!

(2) It was the right thing for the Chicken to do at that time. We must all follow the calling of our heart.

(3) Valen asked the chicken, "Will you follow me into storm, into darkness, into fire, into death?" And the chicken said... "Yes."

Franklin: I don't know why. Say, are you doing anything tonight?

Michael Garibaldi: (1) What do I care? Did this Chicken commit any crime? 'Cause if it didn't, I've got way too many other things to worry about.

(2) Not again.

(3) The chicken in the middle of the road is looking for you . G'kar: (1) To free Narn from Centauri oppression.

(2) When a species suffers under generations of oppression, is it any wonder that it wishes to take back what belongs to it?

(3) "Weep for the chicken, Na'Toth. Weep for us all."

Jason Ironheart: "One chicken in a thousand is hatched near a road. One in every ten thousand of those ever tries to cross it. Half of them are run over by cars."

Ivanova: (1) No crossing today, crossing tomorrow. There's always a crossing tomorrow .

(2) I'm Russian. Our chickens don't cross the road. Go ask Corwin.

(3) "...and if the chicken ever crosses the road again, Ivanova will personally rip its LUNGS out!"

Knight Two: "Do you really expect us to believe it was to get to the other side? WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD?"

Kosh: (1)We take no interest in the affairs of Chickens.

(2)When the crossing has already started, it is too late for the chicken to vote.

Lennier: The Chicken does as the Chicken does.

Londo: 1) Chicken? Why would a creature that swims in the water want to cross a road? I never could understand the human sense of humor. Bah!

(2)For the glory of the Centauri Empire.

Lyta: (1)I cannot comprehend it's chickenness.

(2) If you're trying to get me to scan the Chicken without its permission, then I'm sorry, but I can't do that. Maybe if it was a turkey, I'd at least think about it. But I just ate a chicken last night

Marcus: (1) Perhaps it saw a female Chicken on the other side of the road, and it just wanted to tell her how much it loved her?

(2) sings "Modern Major road-crosser"

Londo Mollari: I feel like I'm being nibbled to death by chickens!

Capt. Jack Maynard: "It lost the lock-on signal from the curb."

Morden: (1) My associates had what it wanted on the other side. Pity it didn't see the car.

(2) It was what the chicken wanted.

Na'Toth: To escape the blood oath the Thenta Makur had on it.

Neroon: Perhaps it realized only late in life that its destiny lay elsewhere? Perhaps it was always, in its heart, a Chicken from the other side of the road?

Kosh Naranek: *tweetle* *blatt* *flash* Understanding is a three-edged sword.

Number One (From the Mars Resistence): That's how I treat all of my ex-chickens.

Catherine Sakai: Wow, Jeff... I thought you were into ducks!

John Sheridan: (1) The Chicken crossed the road? Ah, hell!

(2) As my grandfather used to say, cool chicken!

(3) The last time a chicken crossed the road, I blew it straight to hell!

Jeff Sinclair: (1) Why do any of us cross the road? In any life, there has to be some purpose -- some higher goal. For the Chicken, it was that piece of ground on the other side of the road.

(2) Watch out for chickens... they cross the road when you're not looking at them.

Streibs: "We were about to dissect the chicken to discover the answer, but a giant rooster appeared out of nowhere and pecked our ship to pieces..."

Vir: (1) Umm, for the glory of the Centauri empire?

(2) Wha? I . . . uh . . . I don't know. I suppose it . . . uh . . . I suppose it wanted to get to the other side?

(3) "I warned the chicken not to cross the road."

Lou Welch Hey, chief! There's some bozo here asking about something about a chicken and a road?

Talia Winters:

Zack: Hey, look: I don't know nothin', okay? I'm just doin' my job here. If you wanna know why the Chicken crossed the road, then why don't you go ask the Chicken?

Zathras: (1) If chicken cross road, chicken die. If chicken not cross road, chicken also die. Either way, is bad for chicken.

(2) Chickens. Yes. Very good. Very good. Zathras does not eat chickens. No chickens on Epsilon Three. Why did Chicken cross road? No roads on Epsilon Three. No, no. No roads. Poor Zathras must walk everywhere.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

28. Star Wars

Admiral Ackbar : All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark.

Wedge Antilles: I've lost both starboard engines. My fire control is out. I can't hold the chickens off any longer!

Cantina Bartender: We don't serve their kind in here. Your chickens they'll have to wait across the street.

Aunt Beru: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.

Biggs: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?

C3PO: (1) Sir, may I remind you that I am fluent in 6,000,000 forms of communication and this chicken has not... shutting up, sir.

(2) Sir, according to my calculations, the odds of a chicken successfully navigating a road are 3,750 to 1 against.

(3) Oh, splendid! We are now a part of the flock!

(4) I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.

Lando Calrissian: (1) Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!

(2) Well, well... What have we here? A chicken? Mmmm you truly belong here on my plate!

Chewiebacca: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!

Emperor (Star Wars): (1) And now, young chicken, now you will die.

(2) Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you understand.

(3) Soon the hen-house will be crushed and young chick will be one of us!

(4) Foolish chicken! Only now, at the end, do you see the head-lights!

Boba Fett: (1)What if he doesn't survive the crossing? He's worth a lot to me!

(2) What if the chicken doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me!

Darth Vader: The Empire will compensate you if he's squashed.

Bib Fortuna: (1)Die chicken wanga?

(2) The chicken must be allowed to cross!

Greedo: You were a good chicken once; now you're Buick fodder!

Jabba the Hut: I have little use for chickens who drop their eggs at first sign of a cross-walk.

Jerjerrod: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.

Obi Wan Kenobi: (1) Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.

(2)May the Force be with you.

(3)To follow old Obi Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade.

Princess Leia: (1) Chicken? I thought I recognized your fowl scent when I was brought aboard!

(2) The tighter your grasp, the more chickens will slip through your feathers!

George Lucas: (1) Because the Force was with it.

(2) You'll have to wait for the next set of movies, 1-3, to find out the real reason why the chicken crossed. The whole point of the current releases, 4-6, is the story of the chicken's redemption crossing.

(3) I originally planned to have a chicken army attack the Stormtroopers on Endor, but the AT-AT walkers kept squishing them

(4) The first chicken crossing scene was under budget and rushed, so I've used ILM's digital editors to add several more cars and also a school bus, which has nothing to do with story, but I thought looked really cool. The sound effects have been bolstered by the folks at my THX studio, and now, for the first time, you can hear the chicken scream, even though chickens don't really scream, but the sound, I find, helps set the tone of the scene. The chicken itself has been recreated from old footage. We had to edit out the original road and replace it with an updated digital road. It looks nothing like the other roads in the film, but that's okay because I wanted to show the hustle and bustle of a real superhighway, full of the action and of the grand scale that the fans really deserve. The chicken's blaster effects have been improved; now you can clearly see that the Dodge shoots first, making the chicken look less like a cold-blooded killer. That the Dodge missed by about seven feet, even though they were only a lane apart, and that the Dodge had the draw and plenty of time to aim, merely demonstrates the chicken's skill. All in all, the scene is about ten minutes longer, which is still shorter than I originally envisioned, but I felt that adding any more might break the flow of the story. Now the fans can see the chicken cross the road the way it was meant to be seen, on the big screen.

Uncle Owen I told you to forget it. You're only concern is to cross that road.

Admiral Ozzel: Lord Vader, the chicken has crossed the street and is preparing to... acgh! wheeze! cough! THUD!

Emporer Palpatine: (1) Soon the hen-house will be crushed and young chick will be one of us!

(2) Foolish chicken! Only now, at the end, do you see the head-lights!

Admiral Piett: Hold here. We only have to keep the chicken from crossing. I have my orders from the Emporer himself. He has a special barbeque planned.

R2D2: (1) Beep beep be bop.

(2) beep bleep be deep birp whirrrrrrrrr!

Luke Skywalker: (1) But Uncle Owen, Biggs got to go to the Academy, so did that chicken!

(2) Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.

(3) You chickens sure have a lot of rubber scoring.. you must have seen a lot of road action!

(4) But how am I to know to the Good Side of the Road from the Bad?

Han Solo: (1) Crossing roads aint like dustin' crops, chicken! There's lot of precise calculations. You could walk right into a Starrion, bounce to close to a Chevy Nova, and that would end your trip real fast

(2) I have a bad feeling about this chicken.

(3) Hurry up, Colonel Sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!

Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his feathers... He's not the chicken we're looking for... He can go about his road-crossing... Move along... Move along...

Tarkin : (1) The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line... fear of getting hit by a car!

(2) Fear will keep the chickens in line, fear of this thoroughfare!

Darth Vader: (1) She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

(2) The circle is now comlete. When I left you, I was a chick... Now, I am the rooster!

(3) The Empire will compensate you if he's squashed.

(4) Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

(5) Chicken? So! You have a pet chicken! Obi-Wan was wise to hide it across the street. Now his failure is complete! If you will not cross to the Dark Side of the road, then perhaps IT will!

( 6) It can cross, but it cannot escape its DESTINY. Join me on the dark side of the road! Do not underestimate the power of the road!

General Veers: The generator will be down in moments... you may begin egg-laying!

Wedge: (1) My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?

(2) I've lost both starboard engines. My fire control is out. I can't hold the chickens off any longer!

John Williams: I'll have to thoroughly research the chicken's musical background before I can compose a road-crossing theme.

Yoda: (1)Crossing the road makes not a chicken great

(2): Roads? What know you of roads? For 800 years have I trained chickens; my own counsel I will keep on why they cross!

(3)This chicken, long time have I watched. Always looking away to the crossing the road! Never his mind on WHERE HE WAS! Allante! Hah! El Dorado! Hmph! A chicken has not use for things such as these

(4) Do not under-estimate the powers of the road, or suffer the butcher's block you will!

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

31. The X-Files

Fox Mulder: (1) It was a government conspiracy.

(2) You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

(3) No government agency has jurisdiction over the chicken. The chicken is out there, Scully, and we will find it.

Dana Scully: (1) There is a logical, scientific explanation for the chicken crossing the road. We need more evidence.

(2)It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Walter Skinner: (teeth clenched) You've got 24 hours to find out why that @!!*@!@ chicken crossed the road!!!

CSM: (blows puff of smoke) There was no chicken.

Alex Krycek: Because he can't decide WHAT side he's really on.

Byers: It was trying to escape the most heinous and evil force of the twentieth century.

Langly: It was on its way to the grassy knoll, dude.

Frohike: (snapping a photo) I don't know, but she's hot.

Bill Mulder: (1) It heard the words, and they made sense to it.... merchandise...fryer parts....

(2) I have told you that I don't remember any chicken.

Mrs. Mulder: I have told you that I don't remember any chicken.

Mrs. Scully: I had a dream about the chicken being taken away....

Melissa Scully: The chicken needed to get in touch with its inner self, to find the light and the good. It was in a very dark place...

Bill Scully, Sr.: One day the chicken and I will be together again...

Bill Scully, Jr.: Dana, you spend too much time worrying about chickens... for HIM? You should be home with your family!

Queequeg: Woof! (translation: to avoid being eaten by Big Blue.)

Agent Pendrell: To get Dana a birthday present.

The Well-Manicured Man: It will cross the road in one of two ways....

Deep Throat: Mr. Mulder, they crossed the road a very long time ago. Trust no fowl.

X: The chicken is choosing a dangerous time to cross alone. The road is still out there, but it's never been more dangerous.

Marita Covarrubias: I don't know how much I can tell you about the chicken.... Oh yessssss, the chickenssssss. How much time do you have?

Jeremiah Smith: I can't tell you right now why the chicken crossed the road, but if you come with me, I'll show you....

The Mighty Morphin' Bounty Hunter: Tell me where the chicken is!

Danny (Mulder's FBI inside man): Because it needed to get a better look at a license plate.

PILOT

Section Chief Blevins: We trust that the chicken made the proper decision about crossing the road.

DEEP THROAT

Mrs Budahas: That <gasp, shudder> is *not* my chicken

Emil and Zoe: I dunno, but I sure hope he stayed away from the - heh heh - *landmines* and junk!

SQUEEZE

Tom Colton: At this point I'm willing to accept any theory as to why the chicken crossed the road--any sane theory. I'm sorry, Dana, but I only want qualified chickens at the intersection.

Eugene Tooms: Mmm...pate...

Det. Frank Briggs: I've been waiting...sixty years...for the chicken to cross that road.

CONDUIT

Darlene Morris: Why do you want to know? So that the chicken can face the same ridicule I did years ago when *I* crossed the road? You stay away from my chicken.

THE JERSEY DEVIL

Ellen: Well - first it had to get a life. And...a rooster.

Rob: I don't know, but I don't suppose you want to hear about the finer points of the state planning and taxation?

GHOST IN THE MACHINE

Brad Wilczek: Chickens enjoy walking down unpredictable avenues, turning new corners, but, as a general rule, chickens never cross roads.

FALLEN ANGEL

Commander Henderson: Get this chicken out of my sight!

Woman at the U.S. Space Surveillance Center: The chicken seems to be hovering over a small road in eastern Wisconsin.

EVE

Eves: It just knew.

FIRE

Phoebe Greene: Did the chicken have a date, 'cause if not... I could always...

Cecil L'ively: It was dying for a cigarette.

BEYOND THE SEA

Luther Lee Boggs: I can see... the chicken; yes, the chicken, is in pain, great pain, and oh god! The Road! He's going to cross the road!!

LAZARUS

Jack Willis: I don't know....I think I remember why it crossed the road... No! No! I don't care about that chicken anymore!!!

THE CALUSARI

Charlie/Michael Holvey: The chicken wants to cross the road, Mommy. *Now*.

GENDERBENDER

Brother Andrew: The chicken left its peaceful community of brothers and sisters and crossed the road to become one of you . . . to enjoy pleasures we can't.

Michael: The road's touch was electric....but after that, the chicken remembers, only vaguely. Crossing the road used to be so simple!

YOUNG AT HEART

John Barnett: (breath) Man... I'm *everywhere* that chicken is... <breath>

MIRACLE MAN

Rev. Cal Hartley: The chicken crossed to be HEALED! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! GOD is with the chicken! Amen...

SHAPES

Indian man: He should have been called... Feathered Chicken... or Flying Chicken, not Crossing Chicken.

DARKNESS FALLS

Doug Spinney: The chicken crossed the road because its natural habitat was being methodically destroyed by clearcuts and illegal logging... within ten years, we won't have any forests *or* chickens left!

BORN AGAIN

Michelle Bishop: *I* made the chicken cross the road.

Detective Sharon Lazard: There's no way the chicken crossed the road on its own. I've known that chicken for years, and it would never do that.

ROLAND

Chickens cross roads. But they're not supposed to get run down.

BLOOD

Ed Funsch: It was ordered to by its microwave oven.

DUANE BARRY

Duanne Barry: I don't know... it just had to go...Please, I'm askin' ya not to stop it from crossing the road... it just has to go!!!!!!!

3

Kristin Kilar: The chicken won't cross the road. It's not who he is. It doesn't make him happy.

AUBREY

BJ Morrow: It saw a dog digging in the field across the road.

ANASAZI

CC's FBI Agent: The chicken crossed the road? Wasn't the chicken originally assigned to remain at the *side* of the road?

IRRESISTIBLE

Donnie Pfaster: Were its feathers normal, or dry?

Agent Bocks: It shot across the road to see what's the what.

Karen Kosseff (speaking to the chicken): How does crossing the road make you feel? What are your fears about crossing the road? Are you afraid of failing the rooster?

COLONY

The Gregors: That chicken was the last remaining. Unless you protect it, it is already dead.

Rev. Sistrunk: You're asking me if chicken roasts on hell's barbecue for crossing the road?

FEARFUL SYMMETRY

Sophie the Gorilla: Chicken go crossing road.

HUMBUG

Mr. Nutt: Just because you have a chicken, you automatically assume that it will cross the road? In an attempt to continue an age-old joke that never had any humor in the first place, you've only managed to further trample on the subject... and draw it out in all its mediocrity. When in fact - do you really know if the chicken had better things to do than simply cross the road? That perhaps it may have gone off to study, to gain a better life? But no, you just took the simple framework of common knowledge, and *assumed* that the chicken would cross the road, thus increasing an already cliched stereotype.

The Conundrum: (burp)

Dr. Blockhead: It's a mystery. And some mysteries were never meant to be solved.

OUR TOWN

Workers at Chaco Chicken: A chicken? That wasn't a chicken, that was the Mayor...

CLYDE BRUCKMAN'S FINAL REPOSE

The Stupendous Yappi: The chicken feels it is not in control of its own destiny. It has feathers - somewhere on its body. It recently laid an egg - or not. <raises eyebrow> Here - it tries to force itself onto the road! But...it cannot cross the road...it is incompetent.

Clyde Bruckman: Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do any of us do anything? Why did he choose that exact moment to cross the road, thus leaving a slight indentation in the surface... that, fifty years later, causes a man driving a blue sports car to hit it, and spin off the road, spiraling to his death...

Madame Zelma: Madame Zelma, she is a fortune-teller, NOT a chicken keeper.

2SHY

Virgil Incanto: Mmm... Schmaltz.

NISEI/731

Japanese diplomat: To be fitted out for a pillowcase.

OUBLIETTE

Lucy Householder: I don't know nothin' about no chicken. If I'm your last hope... then that chicken's in a lot more trouble than you think.

ThE BLESSING WAY/PAPER CLIP

Albert Hosteen: There is an ancient Indian saying that a chicken lives only as long as the last person that remembers it crossing the road.

Dr. Pomerantz: The chicken told me about its experience of crossing the road... It was afraid... but it didn't die. Someone must have cared for the chicken... It had to get back to that safe place we talked about.

Luis Cardinal: We got the wrong chicken!

Elizabeth Peters: "It was a stormy, violent piece of music --- Chopins "Revolutionary Etude"... I couldn't resist. I moved closer to him and spoke. "How nice. You're playing our song." "Night Train to Memphis."

D.P.O: Because it was in for a little barbecue, heh-heh.

THE LIST

Napleon "Neech" Manley: To avenge all the petty tyranny and the cruelty it has suffered.

WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES

Dr. Bambi: To eat, sleep, defecate, procreate. Who cares about the road... what bugs did the chicken eat for lunch?

Dr. Ivanov: I don't know much about... *chickens*. What is it?

Stoner Guy: Woah, man. The chicken's crawling up inside your arm. That's wrong, dude.

SYZYGY

Det. White: To solve the mystery of the horned chicken.

Terri: The chicken killed Mr. Tippy!! Margi: Hate him, hate him, wouldn't wanna date him!

Madame Zirinka: You want me to tell you why the chicken crossed the road? Business hours are nine to five, all major credit cards accepted.

PUSHER

Robert Modell: The other side of the road looks very interesting. The sky looks so blue on that side. Cerulean blue. I bet you want to go to the other side of the road. The chicken's right over there, waiting. Go on, cross the road...

Holly: I don't know why the chicken did it! I'm so, so sorry, sir... I'm so sorry...

UNRUHE

Gerry Schnauz: Because it needed to get rid of the Howlers. Er hat unruhe....

GROTESQUE

Agent Bill Patterson: To really understand the chicken's motivation, you must get inside its head and risk letting the chicken into yours.

JOSE CHUNG'S FROM OUTER SPACE

Jose Chung: I interviewed the chicken several times, over the course of three weeks, and each time I interviewed him, I got a different answer! Truth is as subjective as reality! By the way, do you know if he prefers the term 'crosser' or 'transportee'?

The Men in Black: No object is more often mistaken for a chicken than the planet Venus. You never saw a chicken.

Det. Manners: Does anyone give a bleep why the bleepin' chicken crossed the road? Who the bleep cares? By the way, someone called to say they found a real live bleepin' chicken body.

Lord Kinbote: No harm will come unto the chicken. The chicken's efforts are needed for the survival of all earth-chickens. Come, I will showeth thee the chicken.

Lt. Jack Schaeffer: The chicken did NOT cross the road...the chicken did NOT cross the road...

Blaine Faulkner: It wasn't a chicken. It was a MIB sent in by the *proper authorities* disguised as a chicken, and it wasn't pulling it off. Like, it was yellow, but a little *too* yellow, you know?

Roky Crikenson: This may sound kinda crazy but the chicken wanted to be abducted by aliens. So that he wouldn't have to get a job or anything.

QUAGMIRE

Stoner Dude: Mannn... 'cause there were all these arrows, and stuff-- and they were just telling the chicken to go, man... just go...

HOME

Mrs. Pea****: I kin tell you don't have no chickins of yer own. Otherwaz you'd unnerstan' the prad, the luv, whin you know yer chickins'd do anithin' fer their keeper.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: The day that chicken crossed the road... I knew the day had come and my home would never be the same...

Pea**** Brothers: To raise and breed its own stock, if you know what I mean.

THE FIELD WHERE I DIED

Melissa Riedal-Ephesian: Once, long ago, the chicken and I stood by this road - this is the road where I watched the chicken cross.

Sydney: I don't know why! Why don't you just leave the chicken alone! Leave it alone! It's already been through too much...

PAPER HEARTS

John Lee Roche: I can tell you about the chicken... but you need to help me. I want a deal. Trust a chicken molester?

TUNGUSKA/TERMA

Member of Congress: Answer the question, Miss Road: Where is the chicken, and why is it not here?

EL MUNDO GIRA

Soledad Buente: Because his brother betrayed him.

NEVER AGAIN

Betty: Another chicken in my bed! If it crosses the road, it's dead!!!

Ed Jerse: Can you hear that? She's driving me crazy...She's so jealous...she hates it when chickens cross the road...

LEONARD BETTS

Leonard Betts: He's sorry. But the road had something he needed.

MEMENTO MORI

Dr. Scanlon: The chicken's going to feel like dying.

Kurt Crawford: I saw several chickens, and they were all wearing white lab coats and were headed for the Lombard Research Facility... After all, they want the same thing you want...

TEMPUS FUGIT/MA

xSharon Graffia: The chicken wrote to me.. just before he crossed the road. He knew what was going to happen.

Sgt. Frisch: (nervous) I did it. I made the chicken cross the road.

Max Fenig: So, I've devoted my life to providing all you disbelievers out there with proof. Proof that there are chickens right now, as we speak, crossing the road in alien ships for purposes of a rather troubling agenda known only to the government, the FBI, and certain high-ranking members of the military/poultry community. Not that they'd ever admit it publicly... of course. Nor would they admit they have salvaged some of this poultry technology and are using it in military applications. No, that would be un-American. And they won't admit it until someone confronts them with unrefutable, undeniable proof. Someone like me. And I should probably mention that I do this at great risk to my personal health and safety. But, hey, when everyday is just another day you're going to be kidnapped by little feathered dudes from Foster Farms, what's a few CIA spooks to worry about?

SMALL POTATOES

Eddie Van Blundht: Let's just say hypothetically that the chicken did cross the road. Now if that's what the road wanted and nobody got hurt, then hypothetically where's the crime? <Hmmm... wonder if I can morph my skin to look like feathers???>

ELEGY

Chuck Forsch: Oooh! That was me, I did it! I admit it, I did it! I made the chicken cross the road! I'm just a human being after all!

GETHSEMANE

Michael Kritschgau: The chicken was an elaborate hoax all along, planted so that you would believe the lie that chickens existed.

Chris Carter: You'll have to wait until the movie comes out next summer to find out.

Howard Gordon: Because it was too tired to work anymore.

Morgan & Wong: Well, it had left this road to pursue another path, but it came to a dead end, so it returned home to the old road. Now that it was back on that road, though, it didn't seem the same, so eventually it saw a road that it really wanted to be on, and vowed that it would never again return to the original road.

Darin Morgan: Because he saw the comic potential of introducing such a novel concept.

John Shiban: Because it was being chased by El Chupacabra.

Vince Gilligan: Crossing the road was true to the chicken's nature. It was familiar, something that he had done before.

Fanfic writer: Because Chris Carter wasn't letting it go anywhere, and it needed someone to let it cross.

X-Phile: Maybe the chicken is so fed up waiting for the %@#&*@ premeire that it decided to go play in traffic.

Non X-Phile: Who cares? It's just a stupid chicken! It's fictional! Why the heck are you so concerned about chickens, anyway? I just don't see what you see in this whole thing!

Shipper: The chicken and the road had undeniable chemistry and were fated to cross.

NoRoMo: I can't understand why you people can't be satisfied with the chicken walking by the side of the road. Why does the chicken have to cross the road? Why are you focusing on that? It would ruin the chicken!

Jackie St. George: To get a bottle of Labatt's.

Mulder: I am telling you it crossed the road! Scully: And I am telling you, Mulder, there's no such thing as chickens! MIB uses Flashy Thing : What you just saw was *not* a chicken crossing the road. Some swamp gas got caught in a weather balloon... SIGHTINGS commercial: Coming up next, two young men claim they witnessed a chicken crossing the road.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

32. Armed Forces Report

Subject: Visualizing Integrative Synchronized Interactive Omniscience Normalization (VISION)

PROCESS: Visualizing Integrative Synchronized Interactive Omniscience Normalization (VISION)


33. The Zodiac

Ares (March 21 to April 19): Chickens born under the sign of Ares are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20): They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they do not know what is on the other side and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side.

Leo (July 20 to August 22): Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They need plenty of drama and color to escape a normal, humdrum existence. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunities it provides.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.

Libra (September 23 to October 22): Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They are compelled to think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making crossing the road always a considerable risk to themselves and others.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.

Sagittarius (November 23 to December 21): These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world. , and a spirit which longs to be free.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.


34. The Rest

Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.

William J. Broad: The crux is that the vast majority of the poultry in the universe seems to be missing.

Bukowski: To go to the bar, pick a fight, and find a good hen.

Rich Cook: Crossing the road today is a race between civil engineers striving to build bigger and better super-highways, and the chicken trying to prove them bigger and better idiots. So far, the chicken is winning.

Steven Covey: A chicken'slife is the result of its own choices. To blame and or accuse people, the environment, or other factors is to choose to empower those things to control them

Salvador Dali: Fish.

Sue Donim: (1) On a strange road chickens cross fast.

(2) The chicken that pauses too long before the crossing will forever stay on one side of the road.

M. S. Escher: (1) The chicken was ascending or descending the stairway, depending on your perspective

(2) That depends upon the plane of reality the chicken was on at the time

(3) The chicken didn't cross the road. It's an optical illusion. You see? Both sides of the road are really the same side

Bobbie Fisher: It was just a Bishop's pawn in a Queen Knight's game.

Friedrich Froebel: To teach the brood.

Buckminister Fuller: Because we have not yet designed and implemented true, constantly forwardly/backwardly evolving, energy-transforming living machines which will enable us to perform all functions from the informedly turbining hub of a single autonomous in-spiralling/out-radiating network of space-connected information vector transforms. Had the chicken been supplied with my Dymaxion Tensegrity Coop, it would have remained at home, un-tempted by such risky spatial-temporal translations.

Charles Gorin: It was an endplay, a Chicken Coup.

Gary Gygax: Because I rolled a 64 on the "Chicken Random Behaviors" chart on page 497 of the Dungeon Master's Guide.

Ray Kass: Let's forget it never happened.

"Dr." Jake Katz Uhh... because I was chasing it? I don't remember, but that's my best guess.

Ralph Klein: Because we gave it a one-way bus ticket to B.C.

Mark Knophler: How come Chickens got Industrial Disease?

Jacques Lacan: Because of its desire for object A.

J.A. McCulloch: She's making a run for the bar with the flashing Budweiser sign.

Ann Onomous: (1) The chicken that has never crossed the road says its mother cooks best.

(2) Wherever there is a road there is also a chicken to cross.

(3) I don't know why everyone keeps on talking about the chicken that crossed the road. As far as I am concerned someone built a road across the chicken's path.

Bill Shankly: It didn't have any education. It had to use its brains.

Brad Templeton: Do you think I have time to answer questions like that? I'm not a riddle-answering service. Anyway, I've heard it before.

Andy Warhol: For fifteen minutes of fame.

Jerry White: Why does a chicken cross the road only half-way? So she can lay it on the line.

Frank Lloyd Wright: To get a better perspective of my building

Francisco Ximenes: Because that road was made by the Arabs.

Carl Zwanzig: (1) "Duct tape"

(2)A chicken is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


35 The Navy

Subject: U.S. Navy answers the question "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Date: Tue, 31 Jan. 1999 06:49:00 -0500

Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA):

The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Special Forces Command (SEALS):

The chicken crossed at a 90-degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS):

Due to the needs of the Navy, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA):

Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the SSO.

Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC):

This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'

Naval Surface Reserve Force (NAVSURFRESFOR):

The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

Theater Air Control Center (TACC):

We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR):

The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.

Naval Intelligence (OXYMORON):

What chicken?

Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM):

The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

Naval Sea Systems Command (NAVSEASYSCOM):

Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment.

NAVSEASYSCOM's Chicken Systems Program Office (PMS400CSPO):

In a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution Strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission. The actual crossing of the road has not occurred, however, due to the number of action items still open from the meeting.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

36 Generic Quotes

Anesthesiologist: To get away from the surgeons' banal and inappropriate banter and joke telling.

Any Late Evening News Anchor: The chicken crosses the road. Film at 11:00. Stay tuned as we present this historical event.

Arabic saying: A wide road brings out faults in the crossing.

Teddy Bear: Now tubbiness is just the thing which gets a chicken wandering.

The Chicken: (1) Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!.

(2) I am crossing the road to block traffic as a protest against ..." (thump).

(3) Because I felt like it, okay? I gotta explain my every reason? Look, I'm not running for office, y'know! I got a private life, too, and a right to my own... SQUAWK

Jewish Chicken: Vaat? The pig crosses the road and no one notices. But I cross the road and now it's a Federal case already?!

New York Chicken: $B%_(BD. Hey! I'm walkin' here!

Chinese saying: Whether the chicken's crossing is fast or slow, the road is always the same.

Cowboy from Texas: "Y'all cross thataways."

The Cypher: The observant general elected to travel on the helicopter entering on the highly elevated revolving staircase invoking damaging editorials. (Needs to be decoded.)

Czech saying: Not even a chicken crosses for nothing.

Endocrinologist: It actually wasn't a chicken. It was an ostrich with Turner's Syndrome, and the answer to the question may be easier to answer after a 24 hour, Avian Cortisol level.

Estonian saying: A chicken that crosses among the cars without fear dies without honor.

French saying: It is easy to cross the road when no vehicle comes.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Mama Hen: You aren't going to! If all the other chickens crossed the road, would that mean you would have to do it too? No, and that's final. Where are you going? You come back here this instant!

Japanese saying: Hated chickens fear not the road.

Karate student: I hoped there was an easier way to get a new belt.

Any Lawyer: (1) That's where the ambulances are.

(2) Crossing the road, is outside the limits of acceptable and standard practice in the chicken community in particular and the fowl community in general, and I believe we have a case here. Here is my card. (courtesy of Wendie H)

Managed Care Director: It wasn't really necessary for the chicken to cross the road. He already had what he needed along with the necessary facilities on the side of the road he was already standing. Therefore he will have to pay out of pocket for the entire trip.

Jewish Mother: If her father had seen her cross, he would have turned over in his gravy.

Mom: No one could tell, really. She was mumbling to herself about peace and quiet. She circled the block a couple times and came back a lot happier.

A Traffic Control Officer : The light was green.

Orthopedist: To replace the rooster's hip.

Pashto saying: Do not cross the road which neither your father nor your mother has ever crossed.

Pediatrician: To reassure the mother hen.

Persian Saying: The chicken's crossing, although full of faults, is perfect in its father's eyes.

Plastic Surgeon: To get a breast implant and a thigh tuck.

Georgia Policeman: It doesn't matter why. In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road within city limits. (True)

Los Angeles Police: Give me five minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Any Politician: Don't blame the chicken! Society is to blame. The chicken did cross the road, but he or she was merely a victim of this racist, bigoted, sexist society. We are all to blame, for failing to provide... [blah, blah, blah -- ad nauseam]

Any Calculus Professor: The road, if expressed in the form (y2-y1)/(x2-x1) is approximate for cases where lim(y2-y1)/(x2-x1) as (x2-x1) -> 0, is represented by the derivative, or rate of change, of the road with respect to the chicken, such that the value of the chicken may be assumed equal to the value of (y2-y1)/(x2-x1), for small values of roads.

Any Philosophy 101 Professor: Why not?

Psychiatrist: Without a course of antidepressants and a full year of individual psychotherapy, he wouldn't even have had the motivation to cross the road in the first place.

Radiologist: Cannot say for sure that the chicken actually crossed the road, but I cannot rule out that he didn't either. I would suggest that we order some more tests and perhaps consult with a traffic cop to obtain additional clinical correlation.

Any Redneck: That was a chicken?! Oh damn Bubba, turn around!

Western New York Retailers: To see the hens in Hens & Kelly's window.

Swedish saying: Fortune follows the chicken who flees it across the road and flees from the chicken who seeks it.

Talmid Class: Well. Why not?

Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.

Urologist: To serve as ringside physician at the illegal ****fight

New Yorker: Get that freakin' chicken off the freakin' road or I'll break its freakin' neck!


taken from : http://www.law.wfu.edu/courses/BusOr...cross-road.htm

[Snurx]

tl;dr

[Grimble]

tl;dr

e;fb

[KaneED]

:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

[Proteus]

Some answers are on there twice.

[Woof]

Bush: We killed the chicken before it could cross the roads because of the undisputable links with Al Quida, Iraq and weapons of Mass Distruction

[Deffeh]

i got suprisingly far before giving up and calling our admin a spammy ****.

[Vaio]

Has anyone seen a more sh1t post than this ?

Vaio

[Embroglio]

:what:

[Marilyn Manson]

Rousseau would say it was the 'general will' that the chicken should cross the road.

DIDN'T GET THAT ONE, DID YA?

[Structural Integrity]

I'm still waiting for someone to quote this post...

*hint* *hint*

[pablissimo]

till;

derr.

Quote you say... Probably can't, it's too long to have been posted bya mere mortal methinks.

Edit:
We can.

[Christian]

This thread lacks a conclusion.
Why did the chicken cross the road ?

[NEWSBOT3]

Originally posted by Deffeh
i got suprisingly far before giving up and calling our admin a spammy ****.

[Marilyn Manson]

Originally posted by Christian
Why did the chicken cross the road ?

As the chicken can't answer (Because chickens can't speak), the answer is open to speculation and opinion, hence the thread.

[MrL_JaKiri]

Saying 'old' is 'old' so I'm going to say Pika pika!!! instead.

[LHC]

I think this thread should be closed soon because much more text will crash browsers.

[Dante Hicks]

If anyone else posted this, they'd probably be IP banned.

[the_angry_angel]

Originally posted by LHC
I think this thread should be closed soon because much more text will crash browsers.

**** browser then.

[roadrunner_0]

that is the longest single post i have ever seen

[JonnyBGood]

Originally posted by roadrunner_0
that is the longest single post i have ever seen

I actually thought there was a character limit, although maybe that applies only to pm's or not to admins.

[Anu]

I hear it's worse over at roleplaying

[G_frog]

perhaps i shouldn't enccourage him, but i liked the heisenberg one.

[furball]

Originally posted by JammyJim
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Philosophical

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Confucius Chicken who first look both way, lives to see another day.

Doug Hofstadter: To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.

Epictetus: To enjoy the great festival of life with other hens.

Epicurus: For fun.

Eric Hoffer: To free itself from the tyranny of freedom by becoming a member of the flock.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Lao-tzu: The chicken does not cross the road yet reaches the other side.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Murphy: The chicken will invariably cross the road at the worst possible time.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Plato: For the greater good.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Socrates: The unexamined road is not worth crossing.

Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.



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Scientific
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Carl Sagan: There are literally billions and billions of reasons.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predispositioned to cross roads.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.

Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.



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Mythical
The Sphinx: You tell me.



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Political
Bill Clinton: Did some one say Chicken McNuggets?

Bill Clinton: This administration will do everything within its power to provide free access to ALL chickens on ALL our nations roads, at ANY cost.

Bill Clinton: Now I will admit that while governor of Arkansas, I saw a lot of chickens. However, I do not know this chicken. This chicken is simply trying to gain some attention in professing to have crossed this road. This presidency will not be respond to, nor be affected by any of the lies that this chicken concocts.

Bill Clinton: I never had sex with the chicken. I was never even alone with the chicken.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: The chicken had nothing to fear but fear itself.

George Gallop: Hen Party 42% Dare 18% Whim 12% Business 2% Undecided 26%

Hillary Clinton: That's MY chicken.

Hillary Rodham-Clinton: I don't recall a chicken crossing a road because chicken-road-crossings were handled by Jr. Associates at the Rose Law Firm.

J. Edgar Hoover: He was a Rhode Island Red conspiring against the U. S. of A.

Janet Reno: We used a tank to punch a hole in the hen house to end the standoff with the Flock Davidians.

Jimmy Carter: It had lust in its heart

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

John F. Kennedy: Ask not what road this chicken crossed. Ask what road you can cross for that chicken.

Joseph McCarthy: He was a Rhode Island Red conspiring against the land.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omelette.

Mao Zedong: The shortest distance between two points is the road of least resistance.

Newt Gingrich: I'll tell you as soon as I get this foot out of my mouth.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

Paula Jones: I don't know but I can describe distinguishing characteristics on its pecker.

Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Ross Perot: Now I'm glad you asked that question. Take a look at this graph, you see? Here's some of our American chickens. Over here we got some of them Japanese chickens. Now are you listening to me? It's just as plain as the nose on my face.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Sonny Bono He crossed the road because he couldn't ski down the mountain, babe.

Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Thomas E. Dewey: It was time for a change.

Thomas Jefferson: All chickens, having been created equal, have the inalianable right of freedom to travel as they desire..



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Religious
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. YEAH! YEAH!

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Mohammed: It is not for the chicken to cross the road but for the road to come to the chicken

Moses: And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." and the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

The Pope: That is only for God to know.



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Psychological
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen.

Sigmund Freud: **** Envy!

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Sigmund Freud: Sometimes a chicken is just a chicken and a road is just a road.



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Computers/Business
Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 780. Which will not only cross roads but will also lay eggs and file your important documents.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

The Chick-fil-A cows: We don't know, but someone should eat that chikin



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Civil Rights
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.



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Literary
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Chicken Little: The sky fell

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Ernest Hemingway: Ask me not why the chicken crosses. It crosses for thee.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!$B%_

(BD Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Dorothy Parker: Chicks that cross the road. Are never served cold.

e. e. cummings: chicken legs moving road car missed safety

Edgar Allan Poe: Quote the chicken, "Nevermore."

Eeyore: Doesn't matter. Probably will get run over anyway. Just like a chicken. Fal-de-ral and merriment. I'm going to eat my thistles.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning: Why doth the chicken cross the road, let me count the ways.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Dr. Frankenstein: Because it's alive! Alive!

George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving its interests.

The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

Hamlet: Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles.

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Herman Melville: Aye, aye! and I'll chase the great White Chicken across the road, and round the horn, and round the norway maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up.

Hugh Hefner: To express her sexual freedom.

Ian Malcolm: A butterfly flaps its wings in Beijing, and a chicken crosses Wall Street.

Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.

Othello: Jealousy.

Robert Frost: It was the road less traveled and that made all the difference.

Sappho: Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.

Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

William Shakespeare: (1) A chicken with any other name would cross the same. (2): To cross or not to cross? That is the question.

Will Rogers, Jr.: I never saw a chicken I didn't like. If he wishes to cross, it is his right to do so.



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1. The Poets
James K Baxter: When the chicken bought the farm the braken made it's bed. And why not cross the road? the Magpies said.

William Blake:

Little chicken, who set thee free To wander here on Highway Three? "Oh, sir, your question's very odd; He is called the Lamb of God."

Little chicken, crushed and bleeding, You did not see that auto speeding. "Oh, sir, do not sit and brood: God just had a Tygerish mood."

Elizabeth Barrett Browning:

Why doth the chicken cross the road, let me count the ways.

Robert Burns:

Fair Fa Your Honest Sonsie Face Great Chieftain O' The Chicken Race The blackened road 'ahind ye said Ye best run quick ere ye be deid!

e. e. cummings chicken legs moving road car missed safety

Emily Dickinson: (1) Because it could not stop for death.

(2) I've always preferred chickens to people, for they know, but do not tell.

T.S. Eliot: (1) To leave the place she knew for another place And to stay there for a while And then to move onward to a third place.

(2) Do I dare to cross the road?

(3) Weialala leia. Wallala leialala.

(4) It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: (1) It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

(2) Because all life is an experiment and the more experiments you make, the better.

(3) Whoso would be a chicken, must be a nonconformist.

(4) To be great is to be misunderstood. It embarked on a quest for truth in a society that is in conspiracy against the manhood of everyone of its roosters.

Robert Frost: (1) I saw the chickens gently drifting from the trees, Fall had stolen the last of their green The chilly breath of the first fall freeze Now to wait for the buds of the chicken in spring

(2) To cross the road less traveled by.

(3) He was crossing into someone's yard whose woods he didn't know. He would not see the chicken there, to watch his woods fill up with snow...

(4)Whose road this is I think I know, His house is in the village though; He will not see me crossing here To watch his woods fill up with snow.

(5)I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

(6) It was the road less traveled and that made all the difference.

John Gay: Let us takes to the road. Hark, I hear the sound of roosters.

Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss) :

(1) Did the chicken cross the road? Would a chicken take a toad? The chicken took the load across the road with a toad.

(3)Would you, could you cross the street On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck to avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road as though a toad Not with a cluck to avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night With car headlight Not across the road As though a toad Not with a cluck To avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try For it is true, chickens can't fly. Hey! It's not bad, infact it's neat! I truly love to cross the street. Across the road I LOVE to scram. I cross the road, a fowl I am. (By Chris Cracknell)

(2) Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told.

(3) Please dear chicken give it a try For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try For it is true, chickens can't fly. Hey! It's not bad, in fact it's neat!

I truly love to cross the street. Across the road I LOVE to scram. I cross the road, a fowl I am.

Mother Goose:

Mary had a little chick, its comb was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, that chick was sure to go. It followed her to school one day, at least that's what is told. So she became famous in her own way, As the chicken that crossed the road.

Haiku:

Life's destination Chicken crosses asphalt stream Becomes other side

Lure of other side Chicken having crossed the road Must now cross again (By Clynch Varnador)

The chicken, fowl bird, wing and feather aflutter made it 'cross the road. (By David Bunch)

Chicken crossed the road because he said "I want to lay it on the line"

Sam Hunt: So the chicken crossed the road and also rode the cross Our nation's boss the Southern Cross Now bears his PALTRY load.

John Keats: It was a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

Omar Khayam: The moving chicken fingers write, and having writ, move on.

Edward Lear:

(1) There was a chicken from Rome Who had a most beautiful comb You must cross the road Is what he was told Otherwise, you will never get home.

(2) There was a chicken from Del Mar Who decided to travel quite far So she became quite bold And ran across the road And jumped on top of a passing car.

(3) There was a young chicken of Niger, Who went across the road on a tiger, They returned from the ride With the chicken inside And a smile on the face of the tiger.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: To be bold. Deeds are better things than words. Actions mightier than boastings.

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

Dorothy Parker: (1)Travel, trouble, music, art A kiss, a frock, a rhyme The chicken never said they fed its heart But still they pass its time . (2) Chicks that cross the road. Are never served cold.

Alexander Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

Ezra Pound: For Il Duce and Der Fuehrer.

Edwin Arlington Robinson: (1) And the chicken, one calm summer night, went across the road and put a bullet through its head.

(2) The chicken, born too late, scratched its head with the tip of one wing; called the road fate and kept on crossing.

Burma Shave: Why does a chicken Cross the street? She sees a guy She'd like to meet Burma-Shave

Alfred, Lord Tennyson: (1) So that it could sail beyond the sunset.

(2) It is better to have crossed and lost than to never have crossed at all.

Dylan Thomas: To not go gentle into that good night.

Walt Whitman: (1) To cluck the song of itself.

(2) Because lilacs last in the dooryard bloom'd on the other side.

(3) It crosses as it does, that is enough.

William Wordsworth: (1) To have something to recollect in tranquility.

(2) To wander lonely as a cloud.

Virgil: Arms and the chicken I sing, who first from the side of the road. To the other side driven by fate, came at last to the foot of the "don't walk" sign...



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4. The Musicians
Paula Abdul: The chicken was lost in a dream and did not know which way to go.

Ace of Base: The chicken saw the sign.

Aerosmith: The chicken doesn't want to miss a thing.

The Band: To take a load off....

The Beatles: To be free as a bird!

Wolfgang van Beethoven: (1) What? Speak up.

(2) The chicken crossed the road because it was deaf and couldn't hear the approaching truck.

Vicento Bellini: She was a sonnambulist and knew not what she did.

Irving Berlin: Anything she could do, I could do better.

Boyzone: No matter what, the chicken can't deny what it believes in.

Johnny Bravo: (1) Hey man, long time no see chicken's crossing.

(2) Oh mamma, I love them chicks screaming for me.

(3) What a jerk!

John Cage: If you don't know, why ask?

George M. Cohan: Just to ride a pony.

Celin Dion: The chicken is on its journey through eternity.

Bob Dylan: (1) How many roads must one chicken cross?

(2) How many roads must a chicken travel down, before they call him a man?

(3) She walks just like a chicken walks, yeah, she squawks just like a chicken squawks, oh she hen-pecks just like a chicken pecks, but she crosses the road like a little chick.

Gaetano Donizetti: She first saw the light in the camp of the brave grenadiers.

Gloria Estival: He's a bad, bad, bad, bad boy.

Gloria Gaynor: It will survive.

George Gershwin: It aint necessarily so.

W. S. Gilbert: In all our woes that curse our race, there is a hen in the case.

Gilbert and Sullivan: Be firm, be firm my pecker. Your evil stars ascendant.

Spice Girls: The chicken said that it would go across the road for the joy.

Oscar Hammerstein, Jr.: It was such a beautiful morning, such a beautiful day.

Robert Herrick: Cross ye the roads while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying.

Faith Hill: This chick is unstoppable.

Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show: (1) She didn't; she got stoned and she missed it.

(2) To get her picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone

(3) To talk to Sylvia's mother.

Dean Husarik: (1) To get her old age pension! Get it? No! You will when you're 65.

(2) The chicken was stapled to Colonel Saunders.

Janet Jackson: The chicken saw a black cat and wasn't afraid to die on the road.

Michael Jackson: Crossing is HiStory.

Al Jolson: (1) For Mammy. You aint seen nuthing yet.

(2) He'd walk a million miles, for one of your smiles. my Mammy.

Gene Kelly: It was singing in the rain.

The Kingston Trio: (1) The lions still roam the barranca And a hen there is always alone . (2) For a Scotch and Soda.

John Lennon: (1) You may say the chicken is a dreamer, but it's not the only one.

(2) I imagine that all the chickens will cross the road one day.

(3) Reality leaves a lot to the imagination, but crossing the road with your eyes closed is easy.

Alan Jay Lerner: (1) Just to be on the street where she lived.

(2) I know how it feels to have wings on your heels and to fly down the street in a trance. He flew down the street on the chance they'd meet and they met not really by chance.

Bob Marley:Could the chicken be loved?

Don McLain: This will be the day that It dies!

Jim Morrison: To break on through to the other side, I am the chicken king

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: How delightful 'tis to wander, by the breath of evening fann'd

Cole Porter: It was just one of those things. Just one of those avian flings.

Elvis Presley: You aint nothin' but a chicken, crossin' all the roads!

Giacomo Puccini: As through the roads, she wanders onward merrily.

Queen: One road, one vision.

Lou Reed: To take a walk on the wild side (From: Pal Tauszig)

Gioacchino Rossini: A litttle voice she heard.

Sash!: The crossing was done in a mysterious time.

Seneca: (1) Nobody crosses by accident. Crossing must be learned.

(2) After crossing the road there is the other side.

Vonda Shephard: The chicken questioned its soul tonight and it knew that it could shine a light to find the way back home across the road.

John Phillip Sousa: He was marching to a different tune.

Frank Sinatra: (1) 'Cause the chick... is a tramp!

(2) He had to do it, his way

Sting & Aswad: There has to be an invisible sun on the other side that gives its heat and hope to every chicken.

The Rolling Stones: To give sympathy to the Devil.

U2: (1) It was the sweetest thing.

(2) The chicken can't cross with or without you.

Richard Wagner: The unexplained, unpenetrated cause of all these woes, who will to us disclose?

Vengaboys: The chicken would like to party from New York to San Francisco.

Giuseppe Verdi: (1) Ever free shall she still hasten madly on from pleasure to pleasure

(2) La pollo mobile.

Tom Waits: ...and the chicken, decked out in Foster Grant wraparounds and Purina checkerboard slacks, cruised across La Cienica Boulevard in a 1959 monkey-****- brown Buick Super, while the yellow biscuit of a buttery cue-ball moon came rolling maverick across an obsidian sky, and why? you say? Cause that's life, and that's what all the chickens say. You're one one side in April, and you're seriouly run down in May ....

Kurt Weill: Chicken's sneakin' round the corner, afraid of meeting Mack the Knife.

John Williams: I'll have to thoroughly research the chicken's musical background before I can compose a road-crossing theme.

Stevie Wonder: I'm glad I'm blind and couldn't see when it was hit by a truck.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

18. The Authors-Modern

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

: (2 ) There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly why the chicken crossed the road, the Universe instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Isaac Asimov: The third law of Chickens states that a chicken must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not injure a human being or disobey an order of a human being.

Clive Barker: He was drawn to the road, and he didn't so much cross the road as the road crossed him. And once across, the chicken entered into a frightening void, filled only with the screams of a thousand agonized souls. The hands of doom reached out of the blackness, strangling the chicken, smothering him, suffocating him. He could not escape, as no one who crosses the road can escape. He was now a prisoner of the Cenobytes, doomed to an eternity of pain.

Emma Bombeck: The grass is always greener on the other side of the road.

Ben Bova:To be reunited with beautiful grey-eyed Athena, the woman he has loved for all of time.

Ray Bradbury:"A chicken crossing the road is an impossibility in an impossible universe.

Bennett Cerf: The lions on that side were more friendly; he crossed to get to the other pride.

Raymond Chandler: (1) Across these mean streets a chicken must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero; he is everything. He must be a complete chicken and a common chicken and yet an unusual chicken. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a chicken of honor - by instinct, by inevitability, withough thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best chicken in his world and a good enough chicken for any world.

(2) She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black jewels and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise might envy. I knew that if they made her a free-range chicken she'd grab the first opportunity and never look back.

Quentin Crisp: The difficulty with chickens is that they are not returnable.

Tom Clancy:The Mark 84 gargleblaster that the chicken carried, at the heart of which was an inferior ex-Soviet excimer laser system, had insufficient range to allow the chicken to carry out its mission from this side of the road.

John S. Crosbie: If her father had known she had crossed the road, he would have turned over in his gravy.

Peter De Vries: If you want a final opinion on the mystery of the chicken crossing the road and all that, I can give it to you in a nutshell. Why the chicken crossed the road is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked up in the safe.

Harlan Ellison :Because he had no beak and must scream.

William Faulkner: The chicken, weighed down by the burden of a thousand chickens before her who in the swirling dust of the lightbespeckled dusk of far fields in the long gone time of Gettysburg and Cold Harbor and Vicksburg, picked her way through the brown and muddy road as she sought to relive the faded glory and dying dreams of Grandmother--Grandmother whose eggs were sacrificed in one swirling raid upon the General's tent one crisp October morning because Jeb Stuart was lacking coffee.

F. Scott Fitzgerald: The chicken stood at the side of the road, intent upon the green light glowing at day's end.

John Fowles: Roosters love to cross the road because it allows them to look serious. Because it is the one thing that stops hens from laughing at them.

Allen Ginsberg: (1) The chicken got busted in its pubic feathers returning through Laredo with a belt of marijuana for New York.

(2) It went out whoring through Colorado in myriad stolen nightcars.

(3) How many flies buzzed round you innocent of your grime, while you cursed the heavens of the road and your flower soul?

John Grisham: The phone in the chicken coop was bugged.

The Guinness Book of Records: POULTRY: Road Crossings: 6248 chickens, owned by Sarah and Bud Knox, crossed Highway 66 near Des Moines, Iowa, on April 7, l975. The crossing took three hours and twenty-four minutes and resulted in a line of stopped cars for almost two miles.

Robert Heinlein: (1) Because with the freedom the chicken was given, it was the chicken's responsibility to do so.

(2) The more widely dispersed chickens are throughout the Universe, the better the long-term prospects for the survival of the chicken species.

(3) To grok.

Joseph Heller: The chicken had to cross because not crossing meant he would die, a victim Milo's black market. Of course, crossing meant he would die anyway as the jeep zoomed by. So he could have crossed and died. Or he could have stayed put and died. Those were his only choices, so he had to cross. Or not cross.

Ernest Hemingway: (1) To die. In the rain.

(2) Ask me not for whom the chickens cross. They cross for thee.

(3) They had made this crossing with the minimum of comfort. There was no hardship; but there was no luxury and the chicken had thought that it could get back into training that way.

(4) Just when the chicken crossed the road the hyena stopped whimpering in the night and started to make a strange, human, almost crying sound.

Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe which explains why a chicken would wish to cross the road, though I don't know what it's a plan for."

Eugene Ionesco: He was the last chicken left, and was staying that way until the end.

Jack Kerouac:The chicken hipster, high on tea and the soul groves of Charlie (the bird) Parker, strolled aimlessly on the road looking for his dharma.

Gary Larson: Don't ask me. I am retired.

John Le Carre: Because it knew, at the core of its being where none could ever reach, that its only course of action now that its cover was blown wide open was to try and slip away into the grey, foggy, bleak evening before Smiley came, accompanied by his silent shadow Peter Guillam, asking questions for which there could never be answers.

John D. MacDonald: In any emotional dilemma, the thing a chicken must do is the one that's the hardest.

H. C. Mencken: There's no underestimating the intelligence of the American chicken.

Flannery O'Connor: The chicken, tail feathers spread, crossed the road seeking the face of God.

George Orwell: (1) Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was only serving their interests.

(2) To show the cattle and sheep it could be done. The pigs being more equal did not need the lesson.

(3) Because Big Brother was watching to make sure that it did cross the road, although in its heart, the chicken never did.

Ayn Rand: (1) The chicken crossed the road in order to get away from the flock that is stifling his creativity.

(2) If not for the intransigently independent vision of that first chicken, none of the other chickens would have been able to cross the road. And they condemned him for his acheivement!

(3) Every chicken crossing was made in the name of an altruistic motive. Has any act of selfishness ever equalled the carnage perpetrated by disciples of altruism?

(4) It was crossing the road because of its own rational choice to do so. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to each individual.

(5) For freedom and morality. He took the action to cross for his individual personal reasons and for his own self-interest irregardless of the interests of the sommunity or those around him. To do otherwise would be evil.

(6) A chicken's first duty is to itself. And only by living for itself is it able to achieve the things which are the glory of chickenkind. Such is the nature of achievement.

Robert Ripley: In Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, a chicken crossed the road 76,392 times in one week. Believe It Or Not.

Tom Robbins: (1)Few chickens get the blues, but he made it across the road skinny legs and all.

(2)Well you see, that chicken was a special chicken who was a descendent of a parrot family that once built pyramids for tourist pharohs. This chicken liked the other side of the road whose shamanic whispers beckoned Anastasia, the parrot, like the popped cherry of a ritually consumated white wedding. That's the meaning of it all, baby!

Spider Robinson: Glad. Sad. Mad. What else is there?

Carl Sagan: To see the billions and billions of stars.

Isaac Bashevis Singer: (1) Vat I vant to know is vat drives a chicken to live the right kind of life, and vat makes another vone do terrible things against himself, against the Almighty.

(2)We must believe the chicken crossed with free will. We have no choice.

Mickey Spillane: She was a bantam bombshell with a body that could rock Plymouth and a feather on top of her comb, as I watched her crossing the road slowly slithering towards my cubbyhole I call an office.

Adin Steinsaltz: See my book, The Many Petalled Chicken.

Theodore Sturgeon: 95% of what's written here is chicken****.

Hunter S. Thompson: (1) Out of despair and fear.

(2) Why the &*%$#@ not?

Edward P. Tryon: In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that a chicken crossing the road is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.

Kurt Vonnegut: And so it goes -- to the other side.

Bill Watterson: The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that chickens will not cross the road..

William Carlos Williams: (1) Because: so much depends upon a red wheel barrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens

(2) The chicken is dead, the old bastard.

(3) In that great picture the chicken dances round, and go round and around, and that's how it crosses.

Robert Anton Wilson: Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take over the world's egg production..

Tom Wolfe: Kesey, muscles rippling under his shirt, a mysterious smile on his face, surrounded by the Merry Pranksters, placed the chicken at the road's edge. The chicken paused at the edge of the road, looking this way and that, and then rending the air with a tremendous, "ba-BAAWWWWKKK!" bolted across the road, its disheveled wings flapping uselessly about, leaving a trail of feathers and dander that, whenever two-ton chromium steel, 300 horsepower tail-finned symbols of Detroit's and America's supremacy passed, would swirl in a miniature version of a cyclone like the ones Mr. and Mrs. America see on the TV news every evening when he's come home from work and she's setting the table for dinner, both only half paying attention to the cyclones that devastate midwestern cow towns on sweltering summer afternoons. And the heat, dander, tornados, asphalt, tail-fins and the sweat of Mr. and Mrs. America as they move mechanically in their daily routine like the figurines in one of those huge medieval clocks on some cathedral in some European town, moving in the same way, every hour on the hour, it was all summed up by the "ba-BAAWWWWKKK!" of a scampering chicken accompanied by the "skritch, skritch" of its feet.

Roger Zelazny: A swirl of color; The smell of fresh baugettes eaten at a little bistro on Siene; The music of a far-away church choir; Click. A shifting, a renewal; light/dark, the sun a gigantic egg glowing a putrid green; fragments of Charlie Parker and Mingus. Its mind coalesed to a single act of Will, timeless, eternal, the chicken crossed the Road. To seek Order out of Chaos. To regain its memory. To collapse..

19. The Authors: Non-Contemporary

Aesop: (1) The grass is always greener on the other side of the road.

(2) The Rooster and the Jewel: A rooster, scratching for food for himself and his hens, found a precious stone and exclaimed: "If your owner had found you, and not I, he would have taken you up, and have set you in your first estate; but I have found you for no purpose. I would rather have one barleycorn than all the jewels in the world." And so he crossed the road hoping that there is food there.

(3) The chicken and its dog: A chicken about to set out on a journey saw its dog stand at the door stretching himself. The chicken asked him sharply: "Why do you stand there gaping? Everything is ready but you, so come with me instantly." The dog, wagging his tail, replied: "O, master! I am quite ready; it is you for whom I am waiting."

(4) The dog and the chicken: A hound having started a chicken on the hillside pursued her across the road, at one time biting her with his teeth as if he would take her life, and at another fawning upon her, as if in play with another dog. The chicken said to him, "I wish you would act sincerely by me, and show yourself in your true colors. If you are a friend, why do you bite me so hard? If an enemy, why do you fawn on me?'

(5)The chickens and the lions: The chicken gave a speech at the assembly of animals, and argued that all should be equal in crossing the road. The lions made this reply: "Your words, oh chicken, are good; but they lack both claws and teeth such as we have."

Sholom Aleichem: On one side of the road which lead through the town of Chelm there stood a chicken...

Dante Alighieri: For liberty What is liberty but the unhampered translation of will into act?

Jane Austen: Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single chicken, being posessed of a good fortune and presented with a good road, must be desirous of crossing.

Josh Billings: I don't care how much a chicken walks, if he only doess it in a few steps. )

Bertolt Brecht: It is the chicken's will to go with the rooster it loves. It does not want to count the costs or consider whether it is good.

Bulwer-Lytton: It was a dark and stormy road, the rain glistening in the headlights of passing wagons, the horses heads' drooping against the wind and the tears from the sky, and their great muscles straining against the weight of the wagon, when the chicken, without looking up, which he could have, and perhaps should have, done, began his arduous trek across the muddy rivulets that ran ultimately into the sound.

Samuel Butler: The chicken crosses through consciousness and intelligence. For even the embryo of the chicken we claim the same kind of reasoning power and contrivance which we claim for the amoeba or for our own intelligent performances in later life.

Albert Camus: (1) The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really upset him. as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.

(2) It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

(3) Seeing that an indifferent world lied on all sides of the road, the chicken knew it would be absurd not too cross, and for that moment, the chicken knew what it was to really be alive. It was if the bird had been asleep its entirely up until this choice was put before him. So, with a newfound determination and a smile, the chicken valiently crossed the road only to be put out of its mercy by an eighteen wheeler.

Willa Cather: Those blank roads, without the stream of cars pouring through them, were like empty jails. It struck young chicken that this was the trouble with wide roads; they asphalted you in. But as the years passed, all alike, the chicken began to get a little restless. What Rosicky really hoped for his chicks was that they could get through the road without ever knowing much about the cruelty of eighteen wheelers. "Their mother and me ain't prepared them for that."

Miguel de Cervantes: T'is the part of a wise chicken to cross the road today for tomorrow and not venture all his eggs in one basket.

Geoffry Chaucher: (1) In Southwerk at the Tabard as the chyken lay, redy to wenden on its pilgrimage to Canterbury with ful devout corage.

(2) So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

Thomas De Quincy: Because it ran out of opium.

John Doone: Ask me not for whom the chickens cross. They cross for thee.

Feodor Dostoevski: To be struck by a passing car. The most meaningful reality in life is individual freedom, and the supreme expression of individual freedom is suicide.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: (1) The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

(2)On the other side of the road is peace.

Thomas Hardy: The road was black, the sky was white (and so were the feathers) as the bright red mark on the top of the chicken's head gleamed in the twilight. It was a pure chicken and it was doomed.

Joel Chandler Harris: (1) Brer Fox, he wink his eye slow, en lay low, en the chick'n, it ain't sayin' nothing en crossin' the road.

(2) Bless grashus, honey, dat it didn't. Who? It? You dunno nuthin' 'tall 'bout de chick'n crossin'.

Nathaniel Hawthorn: Many characteristics - and those, too, which contribute not the least forcibly to impart resemblance in a sketch - must have vanished, or been obscured, before the chicken crossed the road with the burning scarlet letter on its breast.

O Henry: Turn up the lights, the chicken doesn't want to go across the road in the dark.

Aldous Huxley: To find a brave new world.

Henrik Ibsen: To seek some type of life in which she can be more than a mere doll.

Henry James: He had been a natural leader, the King of the coop, until that fateful day when he tried to cross the road He was thrown fifty feet by a speeding car driven by a thoughtless youth celebrating his twenty-first birthday. And now he returns every year on the anniversary of that fateful event. That was not a chicken you saw crossing the road. That was an apparition, a poultrygeist.

James Joyce: (1) Once upon a time, a nice little chicken named baby tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down.

(2): To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of its race.

(3) Mrs. Hahn, ****'s wife, flapflopped from an ova eggspressed (one l'ouvre, end sot) and charged that lewd brigade into any tennis sun in this faunanimal whirled.

(4) So there'll be iggs for the brekkers come to mournhim, sunny side up with care.

Franz Kafka: (1) I woke up one morning to discover that I had been turned into a chicken. I immediately felt a compulsion to cross the road. I can not say why.

(2) Dieter, now in the form of a chicken, was running from the government's torture machine. The machine, an instrument of death, slowly obliterated the souls of its victims. Dieter was alone. He was running for his life, his insignificant life.

(3) The indifferent maze of tortuous twisted roads criss-crossed one another without reason. But they all lead to the Castle and at the gate stood a guard. The chicken had to pass the guard.

(4) Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Jack London: To answer the call of the wild.

H. P. Lovecraft: (1) To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose, polypous, indescribably horrible abomination not from our space-time continuum.

(2) To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness.

(3) To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!

Christopher Marlowe: He sold his soul to the devil.

Herman Melville: Aye, aye! and I'll chase the great White Chicken across the road, and round the horn, and round the norway maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up.

H. C. Mencken: There's no underestimating the intelligence of the American chicken.

Joe Miller: That was no chicken, that was my wife.

A.A. Milne: (1) While it crossed, it was humming a song about honey.

(2) I imagine that if I thought very hard I should come up with a reason. (also applicable to Winnie the Pooh)

John Milton: (1) To justify the ways of God to men

(2) To look for the pair of dice she lost.

Gearge Orwell: Because chickens are more equal than other foul.

Samuel Pepys: (1) A chicken, which cost me much money, and I pray God to make me able to pay for it.

(2) Pretty witty chicken.

(3) To the road and across with my parmesan cheese in its peck. And it was a sad sight, indeed, as a truck hit it.

Edgar Allan Poe: (1) Quoth the chicken,"Nevermore!"

(2) For a cask of Amontillado.

Emily Post: (1) When a chicken is confronted with a road, it is only proper for the chicken to stand erect, turn to face the road, look both ways and cross... remembering to send a sincere thank you letter within one month of the event.

(2) It was the proper course to take.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Sir Walter Scott: Oh, what a tangled coop it weaved,when fitst it practiced to deceive.

George Bernard Shaw: (1) The reason is that there are no reasons.

(2) Attempting to stop the chicken is an extreme form of censorship.

(3) Beware of the chicken whose God is on the road."

William Shakespeare: (1) I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

(2) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.

(3) This is the road of chicken's discontent, Made ignoble abbatoir by this half-ton truck... (Richard II)

(4) Bring me no more reports, let them fly all; 'Til a chicken remove to other side of road I cannot taint with fear. What is this chicken? Was he not born of hen? The spirits that know All fowl consequences have pronounced me thus: "Fear not, MacNugget; no chicken that's born of hen Shall e'er lay beak upon thee." (Macbeth)

(5) If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly: if the crossing Could scoot across the dotted line, and catch, Beyond passing car, sidewalk; that but these feathers Might be the be-all and end-all here, But here, at this corner of street and avenue, We'd cross at the light to come. (Macbeth)

(6) To cross, or not to cross? That is the question, Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The wheels and axles of the city's mass transit Or to take flight against a sea of motorists And by opposing, end me? To cross, to peep No more! And by that peep to say we end The chickhood and the thousand fender-shocks That chicken is heir to. 'Tis a perambulation Devoutly to be wish'd. (Hamlet)

(7) A chicken with any other name would cross the same.

(8) To Cross or not to cross? That is the question.

(9) Fair is foul and foul is fair, hover through the fog and filthy air.

E.E. (Doc) Smith: Your humble narrator can barely do justice to this climactic event that rent asunder the fundamental ether of space itself, as the chicken, embodying all that is good and hard and straight and keen in the Avain world, fearlessly approached, bridged, and conquered the road for Civilization.

Edmund Spenser: (1) All crossing is for love, and nothing for reward.

(2) Cross the road, whilst yet is time.

Gertrude Stein: The road? There is no there.

John Steinbeck: The road baked in the relentless summer sun as the chicken, looking about, began to cross. It stopped occaisionally to peck at a grass seed that had become lodged in a crevice in the cracked macadam. The chicken reached the other side, then began making his way to the Salinas, which lay muddy and turgid in the July afternoon, all the while thinking of the cool shade by the river and how good the can of beans in his bedroll would taste tonight.

Jonathan Swift: (1) The chicken had to be very careful not to step on any of those Lilliputian cars.

(2) Behold the fatal day arrive! "How is the Chciken?" - "It's just alive." Now the departing prayer is read. "The Chicken crosses" - "The Chicken is dead."

(3) It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.

Henry David Thoreau: (1) To live deliberately, and suck all the marrow out of life.

(2) To be wild and free like all good things.

J. R. R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which count- less tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name.

Anthony Trollope: Why, to avoid Mrs. Proudy and Mr. Slope, of course

Mark Twain: (1) The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

(2) It is the dressing. There is no power without dressing. Without dressing, I would be commonplace, inconsequential.

(3) Did it cross the road? Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

(4) There was things which the chicken stretched, but mainly it told the truth about the crossing.

(5) Ain't we got all fools in town on our side of the road? And ain't that a big enough majority in any town?

Voltaire: (1) I don't believe the chicken should cross the road, but I'll defend to the death his right to do so.

(2) Chickens have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills.

Unknown Authors: I don't know why everyone keeps on talking about the chicken that crossed the road. As far as I am concerned someone built a road across the chicken's path.

Oscar Wilde: (1) This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them are equally shallow

(2)There's only one way to get rid of temptation, and that's to yield to it.

(3) Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

20. The Philosophers

Nicola Abbagnano: Because it is necessary, Thus can possible and freedom co-exist.

Agesilaus: It is circumstance and proper timing that give crossing the road its character and make it either good or bad.

Albert the Great: He crossed of his own free will after observing the alignment of the heavenly bodies which told him it was opportune to do so.

Aristotle: (1) To actualize its potential.

(2) It is the essense of chickens to cross the road.

Francis Bacon: (1) Only a child can know.

(2) To retain his own dignity without intruding upon the liberty of others.

Jeremy Bentham: For the greatest happiness of the greatest number.

Paul de Man: (1) The chicken did not really cross the road because one side and the other are not really opposites in the first place.

(2) So no one would find out it wrote for a collaborationist. Belgian newspaper during the early years of World War II.

Jacques Derrida: (1) What is the difference? The chicken was merely deferring from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea of the chicken in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?

(2) Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD.

(3) The question admits of limitless answers, since there is no one logocentric strategy of discourse that takes primacy over all others.

Rene Descartes: (1) It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

(2) The chicken was merely a machine and was crossing due to the deterministic nature of the universe.

Diogenes: It was looking for an honest bird.

Epicurus: (1) For fun.

(2) To enjoy the great festival of life with other hens.

Ibn Ezra: It was not a specific chicken, it was any chicken (cf. Rashi)

Viktor Frankl: It was searching for meaning. William Hazlitt: When a chicken crossing ceases to be a subject of controversy, it ceases to be a subject of interest.

Georg Wilheim Frederick Hegel: (1) Only through the synthesis of the dialectical chicken and road could the spirit transcend the experience of crossing.

(2) Chickens and poultry have never learned anything from history, or acted on principals deduced from it.

Heschel: If that chicken makes it to the other side I'll be radically amazed!

Thomas Hobbes: By its own free will in the drive for self-preservation in the absence of external impediaments.

Eric Hoffer: When chickens are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Doug Hofstadter:To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Immanuel Kant: (1) Because it was its duty.

(2) The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

(3) The pure transcendental concept of the road, having been deduced a priori and without dependence on intuitions, is given in the mode of the chicken as an end in itself, while crossing the road as a hypothetical imperative, namely, as acting towards some end allowed by Reason.

Soren Kierkegaard: The chicken is dead. The road is nothing.

Levi Lauer: Levinas is the key contemporary thinker on this problem.

Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibnitz: (1) It is a necessity in this best of all possible worlds.

(2) In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

Levinas: [Answer completely unintelligible]

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty,

Machiavelli: (1) So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

(2) The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Karl Marx: (1) It was a historical inevitability.

(2)To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

(3) She was driven by the lash of economic necessity.

(4) To obtain the opiate of the masses.

John Stuart Mills: It was a utilitarian function. She had tasks that were better performed on the other side.

Thomas More: For the good life and pleasure of all chickens.

Friedrich Nietzsche: (1) Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

(2)There was no chicken, no road, no crossing. There was only an interpretation.

(3) To make man uncomfortable, that is the chicken's task.

Camille Paglia: It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian power of the feminine which men can never understand, to cross the road and focus itself on its task. Hens are not capable of doing this - their minds do not work that way. Feminism tries vainly to pretend there is no real difference between them, falsely following Rousseau. But de Sade has proved....

Plato: (1) For the greater good.

(2) The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road. Therefore, imperfect chickens in this world cross imperfect roads, imperfectly.

(3) Because it is in the nature of chickens, strictly defined in as much as they are chickens, to cross roads.

Alexander Pope: To cluck is avian, to cross devine.

Richard Posner: As a perfectly rational, utility-maximizing being, the chicken, aware of the possible consequences of its act, voluntarily faced the risk that it would be injured while crossing the road, in order to obtain the benefits that it perceived to accrue from that transaction. Allowing chickens to make this sort of decision, unfettered by restrictions by government or elsewhere on their freedom of choice, is absolutely necessary if an efficient and free society is to be maintained . Any Philosophy 101 Professor: Why not?

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Rosenzweig: The chicken hasn't actually crossed yet, but I hope it may one day do so.

Jonathan Sacks: It is impossible to answer this quesion, (or, for that matter, any other), without referring to Alasdair MacIntyre's magisterial "After Virtue" (London: Duckworth, 1981). His argument is taken further in his "Whose Justice ? Which Rationality ?" (Londonuckworth, 1988) and "Three Rival Versions of Moral Enquiry" (London: Duckworth, 1990). Also of interest are his earlier works, "A Short History of Ethics" (London: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1967), "Against the Self-Images of the Age" (London: Duckworth, 1971) and especially "Secularization and Moral Change" (London: OUP, 1967). MacIntyre's ideas are developed in a theological context in Stanley Hauerwas, "The Peaceable Kingdom" (London:SCM,1983). The Talmud Bavli and the London Beth Din also hold views on this question.

Jean-Paul Sartre: (1) In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road

(2) To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.

(3) Because there was NO EXIT.

George Santayana: Animal faith.

Socrates: (1) I will think about it.

(2) To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

Baruch Spinoza: To affirm his essance as a part of nature and God.

Akiva Taz: Crossing is the correction of the ego.

Henry David Thoreau: (1) To live deliberately... and suck all the marrow out of life.

(2) To be wild and free like all good things.

Arnold Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: (1) The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

(2) There are indeed things that cannot be put into words. They make themselves manifest. They are what is mystical.

(3) What we cannot explain we must pass over in silence.

(4) Because it had reached bedrock, and its spade was turned.

Zeno of Elea: (1) To prove it could never reach the other side.

(2) The chicken can never reach the other side because there are an infinitessimal number of segments between him and the other side

Zeno The Skeptic: Did she really cross the road? How can you be certain?

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

21. The Fictional Characters

Morticia Addams: He looks so sweet. Looks just like a little entree.

Anonymous Aggie: To demonstrate to the armadillo that it COULD be done!

Garth Algar (Wayne's World): Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where the chicken crossed the road and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool huh?

King Arthur of the Britons: What do you mean? African or European chickens?

Paul Atreidies: What name have you for the chicken shaped stain upon your road? That shall be the name that you shall call me!

Mother Angelica: Honey, Chickens just can't cross roads.

Bilbo Baggins: Oh what I wouldn't give to back in my nice, warm Hobbit-hole! I hope I never have to lay eyes on such a thing as that chicken again!

Baldrick: It had a cunning plan.

The Bandit, in The Treasure of The Sierra Madre: "Chickens? Chickens? We don't need no stinkin' chickens!"

Buckaroo Banzai: "Wherever the chicken goes, there he he is."

Yogi Bear: He was smarter than the average chicken.

Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis: Because it sucks.

Butt-Head: Heh, heh, heh!

Beowulf: (1)"That was no pleasant journey, not one on which the famous son of Ecgtheow would wish to leave his land; against his will he must take up a dwelling place elsewhere."

(2) The judgment of God would control the deeds of every chicken.

The Men in Black: No object is more mistaken for a chicken than the planet Venus. You never saw a chicken. <flash>

Blackadder: Queenie: Because I told it to. Percy: To acquire a hunk of purest green Lord Flasheart: To DOOOOOOOOO IT!

Rick Blaine: If she don't cross that road she'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of her life.

Elwood Blues: They're not gonna catch it. It's on a mission from God!

James Bond: World domination. The same old dream. Our asylums are full of chickens who think they're Napoleon. Or God.

Bottom: To say the truth, reason and love keep chickens crossing now-a-days.

Charlie Brown: (1) The chicken was depressed.

(2) I think it is only natural for little chickens to cross the road.

(3) I don't even know what's going on...

Dr. Emmet Brown: Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads.

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce:To grab a Fosters and get away from the poofters!

Bukowski: To go to the bar, pick a fight, and find a good hen.

Archie Bunker: I don't care what them there chickens do, as long as they stay on THEIR side of the street!

Bugs Bunny: What's up, cluck?

Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Mike Callahan: Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased; shared chicken is soup.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

The Cat: Curiosity killed the chicken.

Bill the Cat: (1) Oop Ack.

(2) Ack. Thpppbt

Charlie Chan: (1) Hasty conclusion easy to make, like hole in water.

(2) Truth, like oil, will in time rise to surface.

Jean Chretien: OK, for me, de chicken, 'e crossed de road because 'is team was der, and because 'e 'ad de plan.

Beaver Cleaver: I dunno Wally. Wh-Why would a chicken cross the road?

David Cooperfield: To be the hero of its own life.

Vito Corleone: We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

Ichabod Crane: I couldn't tell. He was running around without his head.

Arthur Dent: Are you sure the chicken is from Beetelgeuse, and not from Gilford after all?

Dexter: Omelette du fromage. <shakes fist at Schrodinger> OMELETTE! DU! FROMAGE!!!

Dilbert: (1) I hate it when the title gives away the plot!

(2) To establish asynchronous file transfer protocols.

Dorothy: Toto, I have a feeling it isn't in Kansas any more.

Count Dracula: The chicken needed fresh blood.

Humpty Dumpty: A little chicken was crossing the road, The little chicken was hit on the road. All the King's Horses and all the King's men, Couldn't put it together again.

Wyatt Earp:Well, chicken, are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?

Eeyore: (1) If it did. Which I doubt. Not that it matters.

(2) Doesn't matter. Probably will get run over anyway. Just like a chicken. Fal-de-ral and merriment. I'm going to eat my thistles.

Phil Esterhouse: I told him, "Lets be careful out there."

Faithless: The road is the chicken's church.

Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

Sybil Fawlty: Basil! Why is there a chicken in my hotel?

Dutchess of Fenway: To get aid from the U. S. government.

Dr. Johnny Fever: To escape from the Phone Cops!

Fiver (from Watership Down): Don't you see it? The sky has turned to blood, the field has turned to fire... The chickens! Don't you see the chickens?

Lord Flasheart: To dooooooooo it!.

Dr. Frankenstein: Because it's alive! Alive!

Barney Fyfe: Now Andy, let me tell you a thing or two about chickens. Chickens cross roads in those other counties, but not here in Mayberry. No chicken crosses no roads in Mayberry without Deputy Fyfe knowing about it!

Galahad: It was sworn to chastity.... but I think I can stay a bit..

Gandalf: O chicken, do not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are tasty and good with barbecue sauce.

Gordon Gekko (Wall Street): For greed.The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works.

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a rooster in my bathroom.

Joe Gideon: It's showtime, folks!

Frank Bunker Gilbereth:To minimize its therbligs

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost! (sing that one)

Jim Gillis: The chicken crossed the road to show the gophers it could be done.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to cross the road and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away.

The Great Gonzo: Camilla, come back!

Sir Charles Grandiose: As surely as the golden hairs turn to silver, as surely as the sands drift silently through the slender neck of the hourglass, the last sunny days of summer flee soundlessly under autumn's chilly embrace. And with those last days of that warmest and most joyful of seasons, left the road's edge the sprightliest young chicken ever a Baronet did see

Hercules Gryptyppe-Thynne, (All-around Public-School Cad): That's not a chicken! It's a clever disguise, inside of which is Count Jim "Thighs" Moriarity.....

Forrest Gump: My Mama always says, "stupid is what stupid does."

Hamlet: (1) Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles.

(2) To cross or not to cross? That is the question.

Queen of Hearts: It doesn't matter. Off with its head.

Hobson: He had no choice.

Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson. She was chased across by a nine-month old white Persian with a broken tail and a rose thorn in its right forepaw.

(2) It crossed the road because it was going to catch a train at Victoria Station at 3:15, to Edinburgh. And how did I know that? Observe, Watson, the patina of dust on the chicken's feathers, which indicates that it had been spending time in a library, reading about Scotland. And observe also that it was humming "Bonnie Lassie" as it waited to cross. Finally, and most important, observe the train ticket marked Edinburgh, stuffed under one wing, and the fact that Victoria station was where the chicken crossed the street, and finally that the only train to Edinburgh this afternoon is the 3:15....

Avram Infeld: My dear, you are most beautiful! Let's discuss this question over dinner...

My Friend Irma: The light must have been green.

Jack: It was a goose and it crossed to lay a golden egg.

Marcy Jefferson: Why do you keep calling me a chicken?

Dr. Jekell: She hadn't been feeling herself lately.

Jareth: Sarah, go back to your room. Play with your toys and your costumes. Forget about the chicken.

Indiana Jones: Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.

Charles Foster Kane: Rosebud... Rosebud...

Col. Kilgore: "I love the smell of chickens in the morning"

Dr. Richard Kimble: To find the one-winged rooster who killed his hen.

Lancelot: To perform a dashing and heroic rescue!

Law and Order:

Brisco: For A Bagel

Logan: To buy a plaid tie

Ben Stone: Because the defendant made it, sir.

Dr. Hannibal Lector: So I could eat its liver, with some fava beans and a nice chianti .......thththththththth.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know.

Foghorn Leghorn: To get to that damn Dawg, Boah!

Linus: He was making a blanketsstatement.

Chicken Little: The sky fell

Dave Lister: Because of the smegging space corps directives.

Lazarus Long: Being adventurous is inborn; being complacent is a learned perversity. No resemblance--

Cool Hand Luke: What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Marvin (the paranoid android): (1) "Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you ask me why the chicken crossed the road? I could tell you, but I really don't think it's worth while."

(2) Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and what do they ask me? Why did the chicken cross the road? As if their pathetic cerebellums could even comprehend my answer. Chickens, don't talk to me about chickens... they're SO depressing.

Perry Mason: Cross the road you say? But how can you be sure? No one else would have known the chicken crossed the road except for the real killer!

Brett Maverick: As my pappy used to say, "If someone wants to bet you that that chicken will cross the road to lay an egg, warm up the skillet to make an omlette."

Walter Mitty: Staring out into space, he saw himself rescuing the flock from slaughter, never hearing the approaching truck.

Inigo Montoya1) It too pursues a man with six fingers on his left hand.

(2) Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. The chicken killed my father. It must prepare to die.

Motti: I want two chickens! And three bottles of wine!!

Romeo Montague: What's in a name? That which we call a chicken, by any other name would cross the same.

Mork: Na-Nu, Na-Nu. To find my eggshell.

Morton: There was a fork in the road so what could he do?

Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this chicken-****!

Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?

Peter Norton: It was a virus and it saw me coming...

Scarlett O'Hara: Cross! Cross! Cross! If I hear one more word aboutcrossing the road I'll run in the house and slam the door!

Othello: Then must you speak of one who crossed not wisely, but too well.

(2) Jealousy.

Pandora: He liked discovering new things.

Patsy: Oh, F*&% the chicken. Run it over and lets have a drink.

Percy: To acquire a hunk of purest green

Piglet: Because ch-ch-chickens are such very s-s-s-small animals.

Captain Queeg: You may tell the roosters for me there are four ways of crossing the road: the right way, the wrong way, the chicken way, and my way. If they do things my way, we'll get along.

Queenie: Because I told it to.

The Red Queen: Who cares? Off with it's head!

Don Quixote de la Mancha: (1) He was chasing windmills.

(2) The chicken was not crossing the road but running across the battlefield to fight for the mistress of its heart.

The White Rabbit: It was late!

Rimmer: Aliens!!!

Ellen Ripley: God damn it, that's not all!! 'Cause if one of those chickens get down here then that will be all! And all this chicken**** that you think is so important, you can kiss all that goodbye!

Gen. Jack D. Ripper: To maintain the purity of its precious bodily fluids.

Francisco Scaramanga: We all get our jollies one way or another.

Sgt. Hans Schultz: I saw nothing.

Ebenezer Scrooge: (1) Baaaa. Humbug. It didn't cross the road.

(2) For chickenfeed.

Neddy Seagoon: WhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatWHAT?

Bart Simpson: It's outta here, man!

Homer Simpson: (1) Mmmmmmmmm, chicken.

(2)Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh chicken.

Mrs. Slocum: Now look what you've done, there's chicken all over my pussy!

Snoopy: (1) You got it wrong, kid... all wrong... chasing chickens across roads is "out"... lying on top of doghouses is "in"!

(2) Every now and then I feel that the chicken's existence is justified.

The Sphinx: You must tell me.

Dr. Strangelove: Because it could not afford to be caught on the wrong side of the road-side gap.

Superman: He was faster than a speeding pullet.

E. T.: (1) He wanted to call home.

(2) Chicken, phone home

Grand Moff Tarkin: Fear will keep the chickens in line, fear of this thoroughfare!.

Tim "The Toolman" Taylor: This here bird'll cross that road in no time flat, now that I've made a few "special modifications! We've added the Binford 7100 Multi-Purpose power unit, which I've souped up by adding a United Aircraft PT-6 jet engine - Urrgh urrgh urrgh! Heidi, bring out the chicken, please...

Tevye: (1) As the good book says, "If you cross the road to get out of the rain, its snowing on the other side."

(2) If I were a chicken....

Tiggr: (1) Because that's what chickens do best!

(2)That's the wonderful thing about Chickens, Chasing Chickens is FUN FUN FUN, And the Wonderful thing about Chickens Is that when crossing streets they RUN!

Tim, the Enchanter: It's got wings that... and a beak that... good god man, look at the bones!

Tinman: The chicken wanted a heart.

Kilgore Trout: To prove the universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

Oliver Twist: Please sir, can it cross some more?

Fred Van Ackerman: He did it for the good of the country.

Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.

Dr. Peter Venkman: This chick is "Toast".

Jerry White: Why does a chicken cross the road only half-way? So she can lay it on the line.

Rip Van Winkle: I don't know. I slept through it.

Lord Peter Wimsey: For Napolean Brandy, of course. Its all a matter of taste.

Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the Third: What do you two-bit quacks know about chickens? Did you learn about them in medical school, or did you just read the comic book?

Worf: It's not a shame to fight against the stronger trucks and die.

Mary Worth: Have some chicken soup, dear, and tell me all about it.

X-files: The truth is on the other side of the road.

The Stupendous Yappi: The chicken feels it is not in control of its own destiny. It has feathers - somewhere on its body. It recently laid an egg - or not. <raises eyebrow> Here - it tries to force itself onto the road! But...it cannot cross the road...it is incompetent.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Theodoric of York, the Medievil Barber: Because of an imbalance of bodily humors caused by an elf or small toad living in the chicken's stomach. What this fowl needs is a good bleeding.

Red Zac: So what?

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

22. The Businessmen and Businesses

Alka Seltzer: Try crossing, you'll like it.

American Express: She wouldn't leave home without us.

Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Leonard Armato: Looks like we'll have to come up with something to replace our latest MTV project, "Chicks Cooped Up."

P. T. Barnum: Because there is a foul born every minute.

Ben & Jerry: Our new Ice Cream. Grandma's Funky ChickenSoup Ice Cream, or Funky Chicken for short. We will give20 cents per tub to the Environmental Chicken Fund.

Chick-Fil-A: Because after intensive market analysis, Chic-Fil-A concluded that the franchise would benefit from better traffic patterns on the other side of the intersection. Noam Chomsky:To manufacture consent

Coca-Cola: Because crossing is the real thing.

Delta Airlines: Crossing makes the going great.

United Airlines: For frequent fryer miles.

Western Airlines: It was the only way to fly.

Dial Soap: Aren't you glad he crossed? Don't you wish everyone did?

Walt Disney: It was a Mickey Mouse idea.

Michael Eisner: (1) To cash in $565,000,000.00 in stock options.

(2) To see the Mighty Ducks at the pond.

General Electric: For a better tomorrow

Larry Flint: It was the chicken's constitutional right to free speech.

Ford Motors: He had a better idea.

Henry Ford: Chickens are bunk.

Bill Gates: (1) I have just released the new Chicken 2000 which both crosses AND balances your checkbook though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.499999999938.

(2) To lead the other chickens across the Info Superhighway (NOT road) and into a world where there's a computer in every home. Its just where he wanted to go today.

(3) For the money!

(4) I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. (5) It was bundled with Explorer until the government stepped in.

(6) We own the road. We own the chicken. It's none of your damn business.

(7)Next year (or sometime Real Soon Now), I will release Microsoft Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook --- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the chicken.

Samuel Goldwyn: It created an excitement that swept the country like wild flowers.

Hallmark Cards: We sent him. Because we care enough to send the very best.

Hugh Hefner: To express her sexual freedom.

Hertz: (1) Did he cross? Well, not exactly.

(2) He wanted to be Number One.

Howard Hughes: It was no chicken. It was a spruce goose.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

George Lucas : (1) Because the Force was with it.

(2) You'll have to wait for the next set of movies, 1-3, to find out the real reason why the chicken crossed. The whole point of the current releases, 4-6, is the story of the chicken's redemption crossing.

(3) I originally planned to have a chicken army attack the Stormtroopers on Endor, but the AT-AT walkers kept squishing them

(4) The first chicken crossing scene was underbudget and rushed, so I've used ILM's digital editors to add several more cars and also a school bus, which has nothing to do with story, but I thought looked really cool. The sound effects have been bolstered by the folks at my THX studio, and now, for the first time, you can hear the chicken scream, even though chickens don't really scream, but the sound, I find, helps set the tone of the scene. The chicken itself has been recreated from old footage. We had to edit out the original road and replace it with an updated digital road. It looks nothing like the other roads in the film, but that's okay because I wanted to show the hustle and bustle of a real superhighway, full of the action and of the grand scale that the fans really deserve. The chicken's blaster effects have been improved; now you can clearly see that the Dodge shoots first, making the chicken look less like a cold-blooded killer. That the Dodge missed by about seven feet, even though they were only a lane apart, and that the Dodge had the draw and plenty of time to aim, merely demonstrates the chicken's skill. All in all, the scene is about ten minutes longer, which is still shorter than I originally envisioned, but I felt that adding any more might break the flow of the story. Now the fans can see the chicken cross the road the way it was meant to be seen, on the big screen. Mercury Energy: If the chicken has the power to cross the road it should expect to lose it. If it has already lost it it should not expect it to return for at least 2 weeks. (Auckland's Electricity company. Responsible for the 2 week blackout)

General Motors: He had a better idea., to get to the other side.

Rupert Murdoch: We have launched a new channel devoted entirely to chicken crossings which will rival any channel run by Ted Turner.

Peter Norton: It was a virus and it saw me coming.

Nike: Just did it.

Parker Brothers: To go directly to Jail without passing Go and collecting $200.00.

Suzanne Paul: Howmuchwouldyouexpecttopay?Notonlydoyougetthechickenwithwingsbtalsotheroadandi fyouareoneofthefirst500callersI'llthrowinthisfabulousnaturalglowingcrossingwhi chthousandsoflumionousbluemonkeyshavepaidhundredsforit'syoursfree.Priceexclude sGST,postagepac kagingandspecialcondi tionsapply. (Entreprenueress Introduced hard sell advertising to NZ.)

Frank Perdue: (1) It takes a brave chicken to make a chicken tender.

(2)How the heck do I know? Do I look like a chicken to you -- don't answer that.

(3) I breed the finest chicken I know how, and it crosses the road as part of a vigorous fitness program to raise the leanest, plumpest birds anywhere. Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at the time.

Patek Phillipe: It is a tradition that transcends time.

R. J. Reynolds: It would walk a mile for a camel.

Gene Roddenberry:To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Col. Sanders: (1) Did I miss one?

(2) It Ran, Suh! I offered it a coating of 11 herbs and spices and it ran, Suh! So I shot it, Suh, shot it while it was trying to escape, suh!

(3) It wasn't one of our chickens. Now KFC delivers!

Steven Spielberg: I'm covering this in my new movie, Raiders of the Lost Chicken-Coop, from which all profits will go to my new Chicken Foundation (which my mother, who has experience in these things, is going to head).

George Steinbrenner: (1)Because I offered him a $4 million contract.

(2)Because I fired him!

(3)Because he's now my new manager.

(4)Because I fired him again!

(5) Because he is the best money can buy.

Oliver Stone: (1)The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

(2) He went back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the..

Donald Trump: There are fortunes to be made over there.

Charlie the Tuna: To taste better, not for better taste, but never before its time..

Ted Turner: (1) Chicken crossing is the most popular show on our TSN-5 Channel, easily beating high school tiddly-winks tournements.

(2) The chicken was originally black and white, but we colorized it.

William Shattner for Valueline: I knew that crossing the road would be big. Really Big!

Dean Witter: (1) Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Dean Witter helped the chicken cross in the old-fashioned way, by earning its own way. Let us show what we can do for your chicken today!

(2) He crossed one road at a time.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

23. The Notorious

Note: Some of these quotes appear in another chapter as well.

Marv Albert: Well, actually he was cross dressing.

Ami Amin: A hundred chicken heads will fall for this dastardly act.

Lorena Bobbitt: She was a cut above the others

Mr. Bobbitt: Something was missing from his life on this side.

Lizzie Bordon: I'm just a little girl and an orphan. How could I know a chicken with its head chopped off could still run.

Robert Dornan: They were illegals stealing the election from a real American.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Larry Flint: It was the chicken's constitutional right to free speech.

Hugh Grant: He was up to his old tricks.

Saddam Hussein: (1) This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

(2) It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Rodney King: Why can't the chicken just cross the road?

Ted Kaczynski: To mail a letter.

Michael Jackson: Crossing is HiStory.

Paula Jones: I don't know but I can describe distinguishing characteristics on its pecker.

Mark Lane: There is new, irrefutable evidence that the chicken did not act alone.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Mary Kay LeTourneau: To teach a young **** a lesson.

Monica Levinski: She had been offered a missionary position, so she came across to get a head of the leader.

L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Cotton Mather: She is a witch in league with the devil, who must be Bar-B-Qued on the stake.

Charles Manson: It was Helter Skelter.

Col. Oliver North: (1) I do not recall any such events. I had no knowledge of these occurences.

(2) National Security was at stake.

O. J. Simpson: (1)It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

(2) He didn't. But if he had, it would have been because he loved her very much.

(3) To find the real killer.

Oramge County Supervisors: Because Merrill Lynch advised it.

Brian Patterson and Amy Grossberg: To trash unwanted eggs.

Son of Sam: The dog told it to cross the road.

Lorell Sprewell: I know I shouldn't have choked him but he had stepped over the line when he crossed the road. What was I supposed to do, ignore it.

Kenneth Starr: (1 )It proves there was a cover-up and something pretty foul was going on.

(2) In view of President Clinton's dealings with the Tyson Poultry Company, the matter of the chicken crossing the road is under investigation for its possible connection with the Whitewater affair.

Willie Sutton: Because that's where the money is.

Linda Trapp: She told me everything and I have the tapes to prove it.

Mike Tyson: I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like CHICKEN!

Louise Woodward: To shake up her brood a little.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

24. Computers

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.

Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

VB Chicken: USHighways!<TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Windows 98 Chicken: (1) It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing.

(2) Because the road crashed at the public demonstration.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

25. Monty Python and The Holy Grail

King Arthur: What do you mean? The European or the African variety??

Bedevere: To prove that it was lighter than a duck.

Black Beast of Aaaaurghh: Aaaarghh!!!

Bridgekeeper: What is its favourite colour?

Dennis: To elect a better government.

Dingo: Naughty Naughty chicken! It deserves a spanking.

Knight of Ecky-ecky: To get us a ..... shrubbery .

Herbert's Father: It's ~not~ to cross the road, understand?

Galahad: It was sworn to chastity.... but I think I can stay a bit..

God: To find the Grail!

The Guards: So... even if you come can get it, we're not to cross the road...

Prince Herbert: It didn't want to cross the road, it wanted to....sing..

Historian: Ahhhh!!!

The Black Knight: None shall pass!

Lancelot: To perform a dashing and heroic rescue!

Brother Maynard: You would too if you saw me holding the Holy Handgrenade of Antioch .

Knights of Ni: Because we threatened to say `Ni!' to it!

Robin: Whatever the reason, it was definitely not running away!

Minstrel: The chicken ran away, the chicken ran away..

Tim the Enchanter: It had such big, nasty, pointy teeth!!!

Villagers: Burn it!

Zoot: Because we are eight score blonds and brunettes and we ~are~ so lonely...

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

26. Star Trek To boldly go where no chicken has gone before:

"Friendly" Angel: It was being swept aside to make room for the strong!

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Barclay: Uh, chicken?!! Where?!!! C-c-c-ommander, did I ever mention my problem with small feathered things?

Dr. Bashir: (1) It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.

(2) I suppose it wanted to play some darts.

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the [BEEP] regulations of [BEEP] Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Hugh the Borg: (1)Maybe it just needed a big hug!

(2) Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

(3) Maybe it wanted to be my friend.

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock! I fixed you your favorite Vulcan plomeek and chicken soup!

Chekov: (1) It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time.. did I scream this time?

(2) Chicken intercept course entered, Keptan...

(3) It was a Russian chicken of course!

(3) Of course, road crossing was inwented by Russian chickens.

Commander Chikotay: (1)I'm not sure but I can find out. That chicken is my animal spirit guide.

(2) Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Crewman in red suit: "Captain, this chicken seems to have crossed the ... AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Dr. Wesley Crusher: (1) Maybe since he couldn't make the other side to get to him, -he- had to get to the other side....

(2) If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

(3) I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a level 3 diagnostic on the whootchacallit and...

Emergency Medical Holographic Doctor on U.S.S. Voyager: Maybe it was trying to state the nature of a medical emergency.

Commander Data: (1) The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.

(2) I do not know. Although I have compared all of my 437 billion data points relating to chickens and roads, there is no positive correlation between the two.

Judzia Dax: (1) To get to the other side. Curzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's...

(2) When you remember so many previous lives, it's so boring to stay on one side of the road all the time.

Holo Doc: (1) How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off! (2) Maybe it was trying to state the nature of a medical emergency.

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

Garak: To get to the other side? Of course not! Do you realize how ridiculous that is? I'm sure it was a simple matter of its farmer expelling it from the coop for...embezzling eggs.

Geordi: (1) Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll be there in an hour or two--but any later, and it'll be absolutely impossible for it to make it.

(2) Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Mr. Homn:

Jake: Check out the chick that just came off that transport!

Jabba (Star Wars): (1) Bo shuda chicken!

(2) I have little use for chickens who drop their eggs at first sign of a cross-walk.

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant ... and it probably misses its dog.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Kira: (1) I bet those damn Cardassians were after it!

(2) It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

James Tiberius Kirk: (1) You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed ...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

(2) To . . . GET! . . . totheOTHER! . . . SIDE!

(3) To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Lwaxana: (1) Oh, Jean-Luc!

(2) Oh, Odo!

Marvin (the paranoid android): (1) "Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you ask me why the chicken crossed the road? I could tell you, but I really don't think it's worth while."

(2)Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and what do they ask me? Why did the chicken cross the road? As if their pathetic cerebelums could even comprehend my answer. Chickens, don't talk to me about chickens... they're SO depressing.

Dr. Bones McCoy: (1) I think it's dead, Jim. Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a plucker... (2) How should I know? Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

(3) Captain, it was fleeing from such pain!

(4) How should I know? Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an veterinarian!

Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Seven of Nine: It didn't want to be human.

Nog: To try to get to Starfleet Academy, sir.

O'Brien: (1) No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

(2) Well, it's nothing a good pint or two won't fix.

(3) Well, it wasn't due to a bloody transporter malfunction, I can tell you that.

Odo: (1) I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

(2) I don't have the slightest idea--and I don't particularly care...but then, I've never understood you ornithoids' need to engage in such pointless behavior.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Jean-Luc Picard: (1)To see what's out there.

(2) Because it's shields were down and it had no other options left..

(3) Dammit, that's not for us to answer! It's his fundamental right as a sentient being to determine the time and manner by which he travels towards his goals!

(3) The chicken heard the singular voice of the collective.

(4) Dammit, that's not for us to answer! It's his fundamental right as a sentient being to determine the time and manner by which he travels towards his goals!

(5) There are four lights!

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

Quark: (1) Now really, why would I have bribed him to do it so I could make a tidy profit in the station pool? Besides, all I know is that chicken tastes just like tube grubs.

(2) Who, me?

(3) There was opportunity on the other side.

(4) The 71st rule of acquisition says to go where no chicken has gone before; where there is no reputation there is profit.

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Gene Roddenberry: (1) To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.

(2) To boldly cross the road where no chicken has crossed before.

Sarek: (1) I don't care why it was crossing the road! All I want to know is why it left the coop! So it wanted to "get to the other side"--there is only so far that my tolerance will go!

(2) It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

(3) Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Scotty: (1) Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

(2) 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain! wi' no dilithium crystals left to speak of!

Seven of Nine: Obviously... it became... separated from the collective.

Jake Sisko: (1) I don't care -why- it was crossing the road! All I want to know is -why- it left the coop! So it wanted to "get to the other side"--there is only -so far- that my tolerance will go!

(2) It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

(3) To check out the babe that just came off that transport!

(4) It felt a great yearning to cross the road.

Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

Mr. Spock: (1) Fasincating, Captain, it seems driven by a beam of pure energy.

(2) It is not logical, Captain.

(3)It was not logical for the chicken to do so, but I have frequently observed that the behaviour of chickens is not logical

(4) It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time.

Sulu: (1)Don't call me Tiny!

(2)To get back to San Franciso; it was born there. Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Deanna Troi: (1) I feel the chicken's pain!

(2) It was experiencing -- GREAT PAIN -- TORMENT!

(3) It was running...running away from...no, escaping...oh, Captain, it was fleeing from such -pain-!

(4) Captain, I feel a presence out there!

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...

Mr. Worf: (1) I do not know. Klingon chickens do not cross roads.

(2) I do not know sir, But I recommend we fire a full complement of photon torpedos.

(3) Given the eminent warp core breach, it was the only logical decision

(4) Give the Prime Directive, if a cultural imperative exists on this planet that compels chickens to cross the road, we must not interfere.

(5) Klingon chickens STILL do not cross roads.

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to stay...stay...stay...

Tasha Yar: That depends... was it fully functional?

27. Babylon 5

Mr. Adams: To try to take over the galaxy, like I've been saying.

Bester: (1) There's no delicate way to put this, I want that chicken.

(2) I've never seen that Chicken before in my life.

(3) (to the chicken) Why did you have to cross the road? We are your family. We raised you, clothed you. We are your father and mother. Don't force us to do this.... (the chicken squawks in mortal terror)

Carrion Eate: "That chicken killed in the middle of the road? Tastes just like Narn."

Corwin: I . . . I don't . . . umm . . . You'll have to ask the Commander.

Delenn: (1) I leave for three days, and your chickens start crossing roads!

(2) It was the right thing for the Chicken to do at that time. We must all follow the calling of our heart.

(3) Valen asked the chicken, "Will you follow me into storm, into darkness, into fire, into death?" And the chicken said... "Yes."

Franklin: I don't know why. Say, are you doing anything tonight?

Michael Garibaldi: (1) What do I care? Did this Chicken commit any crime? 'Cause if it didn't, I've got way too many other things to worry about.

(2) Not again.

(3) The chicken in the middle of the road is looking for you . G'kar: (1) To free Narn from Centauri oppression.

(2) When a species suffers under generations of oppression, is it any wonder that it wishes to take back what belongs to it?

(3) "Weep for the chicken, Na'Toth. Weep for us all."

Jason Ironheart: "One chicken in a thousand is hatched near a road. One in every ten thousand of those ever tries to cross it. Half of them are run over by cars."

Ivanova: (1) No crossing today, crossing tomorrow. There's always a crossing tomorrow .

(2) I'm Russian. Our chickens don't cross the road. Go ask Corwin.

(3) "...and if the chicken ever crosses the road again, Ivanova will personally rip its LUNGS out!"

Knight Two: "Do you really expect us to believe it was to get to the other side? WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD?"

Kosh: (1)We take no interest in the affairs of Chickens.

(2)When the crossing has already started, it is too late for the chicken to vote.

Lennier: The Chicken does as the Chicken does.

Londo: 1) Chicken? Why would a creature that swims in the water want to cross a road? I never could understand the human sense of humor. Bah!

(2)For the glory of the Centauri Empire.

Lyta: (1)I cannot comprehend it's chickenness.

(2) If you're trying to get me to scan the Chicken without its permission, then I'm sorry, but I can't do that. Maybe if it was a turkey, I'd at least think about it. But I just ate a chicken last night

Marcus: (1) Perhaps it saw a female Chicken on the other side of the road, and it just wanted to tell her how much it loved her?

(2) sings "Modern Major road-crosser"

Londo Mollari: I feel like I'm being nibbled to death by chickens!

Capt. Jack Maynard: "It lost the lock-on signal from the curb."

Morden: (1) My associates had what it wanted on the other side. Pity it didn't see the car.

(2) It was what the chicken wanted.

Na'Toth: To escape the blood oath the Thenta Makur had on it.

Neroon: Perhaps it realized only late in life that its destiny lay elsewhere? Perhaps it was always, in its heart, a Chicken from the other side of the road?

Kosh Naranek: *tweetle* *blatt* *flash* Understanding is a three-edged sword.

Number One (From the Mars Resistence): That's how I treat all of my ex-chickens.

Catherine Sakai: Wow, Jeff... I thought you were into ducks!

John Sheridan: (1) The Chicken crossed the road? Ah, hell!

(2) As my grandfather used to say, cool chicken!

(3) The last time a chicken crossed the road, I blew it straight to hell!

Jeff Sinclair: (1) Why do any of us cross the road? In any life, there has to be some purpose -- some higher goal. For the Chicken, it was that piece of ground on the other side of the road.

(2) Watch out for chickens... they cross the road when you're not looking at them.

Streibs: "We were about to dissect the chicken to discover the answer, but a giant rooster appeared out of nowhere and pecked our ship to pieces..."

Vir: (1) Umm, for the glory of the Centauri empire?

(2) Wha? I . . . uh . . . I don't know. I suppose it . . . uh . . . I suppose it wanted to get to the other side?

(3) "I warned the chicken not to cross the road."

Lou Welch Hey, chief! There's some bozo here asking about something about a chicken and a road?

Talia Winters:

Zack: Hey, look: I don't know nothin', okay? I'm just doin' my job here. If you wanna know why the Chicken crossed the road, then why don't you go ask the Chicken?

Zathras: (1) If chicken cross road, chicken die. If chicken not cross road, chicken also die. Either way, is bad for chicken.

(2) Chickens. Yes. Very good. Very good. Zathras does not eat chickens. No chickens on Epsilon Three. Why did Chicken cross road? No roads on Epsilon Three. No, no. No roads. Poor Zathras must walk everywhere.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

28. Star Wars

Admiral Ackbar : All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark.

Wedge Antilles: I've lost both starboard engines. My fire control is out. I can't hold the chickens off any longer!

Cantina Bartender: We don't serve their kind in here. Your chickens they'll have to wait across the street.

Aunt Beru: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.

Biggs: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?

C3PO: (1) Sir, may I remind you that I am fluent in 6,000,000 forms of communication and this chicken has not... shutting up, sir.

(2) Sir, according to my calculations, the odds of a chicken successfully navigating a road are 3,750 to 1 against.

(3) Oh, splendid! We are now a part of the flock!

(4) I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.

Lando Calrissian: (1) Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!

(2) Well, well... What have we here? A chicken? Mmmm you truly belong here on my plate!

Chewiebacca: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!

Emperor (Star Wars): (1) And now, young chicken, now you will die.

(2) Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you understand.

(3) Soon the hen-house will be crushed and young chick will be one of us!

(4) Foolish chicken! Only now, at the end, do you see the head-lights!

Boba Fett: (1)What if he doesn't survive the crossing? He's worth a lot to me!

(2) What if the chicken doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me!

Darth Vader: The Empire will compensate you if he's squashed.

Bib Fortuna: (1)Die chicken wanga?

(2) The chicken must be allowed to cross!

Greedo: You were a good chicken once; now you're Buick fodder!

Jabba the Hut: I have little use for chickens who drop their eggs at first sign of a cross-walk.

Jerjerrod: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.

Obi Wan Kenobi: (1) Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.

(2)May the Force be with you.

(3)To follow old Obi Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade.

Princess Leia: (1) Chicken? I thought I recognized your fowl scent when I was brought aboard!

(2) The tighter your grasp, the more chickens will slip through your feathers!

George Lucas: (1) Because the Force was with it.

(2) You'll have to wait for the next set of movies, 1-3, to find out the real reason why the chicken crossed. The whole point of the current releases, 4-6, is the story of the chicken's redemption crossing.

(3) I originally planned to have a chicken army attack the Stormtroopers on Endor, but the AT-AT walkers kept squishing them

(4) The first chicken crossing scene was under budget and rushed, so I've used ILM's digital editors to add several more cars and also a school bus, which has nothing to do with story, but I thought looked really cool. The sound effects have been bolstered by the folks at my THX studio, and now, for the first time, you can hear the chicken scream, even though chickens don't really scream, but the sound, I find, helps set the tone of the scene. The chicken itself has been recreated from old footage. We had to edit out the original road and replace it with an updated digital road. It looks nothing like the other roads in the film, but that's okay because I wanted to show the hustle and bustle of a real superhighway, full of the action and of the grand scale that the fans really deserve. The chicken's blaster effects have been improved; now you can clearly see that the Dodge shoots first, making the chicken look less like a cold-blooded killer. That the Dodge missed by about seven feet, even though they were only a lane apart, and that the Dodge had the draw and plenty of time to aim, merely demonstrates the chicken's skill. All in all, the scene is about ten minutes longer, which is still shorter than I originally envisioned, but I felt that adding any more might break the flow of the story. Now the fans can see the chicken cross the road the way it was meant to be seen, on the big screen.

Uncle Owen I told you to forget it. You're only concern is to cross that road.

Admiral Ozzel: Lord Vader, the chicken has crossed the street and is preparing to... acgh! wheeze! cough! THUD!

Emporer Palpatine: (1) Soon the hen-house will be crushed and young chick will be one of us!

(2) Foolish chicken! Only now, at the end, do you see the head-lights!

Admiral Piett: Hold here. We only have to keep the chicken from crossing. I have my orders from the Emporer himself. He has a special barbeque planned.

R2D2: (1) Beep beep be bop.

(2) beep bleep be deep birp whirrrrrrrrr!

Luke Skywalker: (1) But Uncle Owen, Biggs got to go to the Academy, so did that chicken!

(2) Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.

(3) You chickens sure have a lot of rubber scoring.. you must have seen a lot of road action!

(4) But how am I to know to the Good Side of the Road from the Bad?

Han Solo: (1) Crossing roads aint like dustin' crops, chicken! There's lot of precise calculations. You could walk right into a Starrion, bounce to close to a Chevy Nova, and that would end your trip real fast

(2) I have a bad feeling about this chicken.

(3) Hurry up, Colonel Sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!

Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his feathers... He's not the chicken we're looking for... He can go about his road-crossing... Move along... Move along...

Tarkin : (1) The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line... fear of getting hit by a car!

(2) Fear will keep the chickens in line, fear of this thoroughfare!

Darth Vader: (1) She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

(2) The circle is now comlete. When I left you, I was a chick... Now, I am the rooster!

(3) The Empire will compensate you if he's squashed.

(4) Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

(5) Chicken? So! You have a pet chicken! Obi-Wan was wise to hide it across the street. Now his failure is complete! If you will not cross to the Dark Side of the road, then perhaps IT will!

( 6) It can cross, but it cannot escape its DESTINY. Join me on the dark side of the road! Do not underestimate the power of the road!

General Veers: The generator will be down in moments... you may begin egg-laying!

Wedge: (1) My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?

(2) I've lost both starboard engines. My fire control is out. I can't hold the chickens off any longer!

John Williams: I'll have to thoroughly research the chicken's musical background before I can compose a road-crossing theme.

Yoda: (1)Crossing the road makes not a chicken great

(2): Roads? What know you of roads? For 800 years have I trained chickens; my own counsel I will keep on why they cross!

(3)This chicken, long time have I watched. Always looking away to the crossing the road! Never his mind on WHERE HE WAS! Allante! Hah! El Dorado! Hmph! A chicken has not use for things such as these

(4) Do not under-estimate the powers of the road, or suffer the butcher's block you will!

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

31. The X-Files

Fox Mulder: (1) It was a government conspiracy.

(2) You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

(3) No government agency has jurisdiction over the chicken. The chicken is out there, Scully, and we will find it.

Dana Scully: (1) There is a logical, scientific explanation for the chicken crossing the road. We need more evidence.

(2)It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Walter Skinner: (teeth clenched) You've got 24 hours to find out why that @!!*@!@ chicken crossed the road!!!

CSM: (blows puff of smoke) There was no chicken.

Alex Krycek: Because he can't decide WHAT side he's really on.

Byers: It was trying to escape the most heinous and evil force of the twentieth century.

Langly: It was on its way to the grassy knoll, dude.

Frohike: (snapping a photo) I don't know, but she's hot.

Bill Mulder: (1) It heard the words, and they made sense to it.... merchandise...fryer parts....

(2) I have told you that I don't remember any chicken.

Mrs. Mulder: I have told you that I don't remember any chicken.

Mrs. Scully: I had a dream about the chicken being taken away....

Melissa Scully: The chicken needed to get in touch with its inner self, to find the light and the good. It was in a very dark place...

Bill Scully, Sr.: One day the chicken and I will be together again...

Bill Scully, Jr.: Dana, you spend too much time worrying about chickens... for HIM? You should be home with your family!

Queequeg: Woof! (translation: to avoid being eaten by Big Blue.)

Agent Pendrell: To get Dana a birthday present.

The Well-Manicured Man: It will cross the road in one of two ways....

Deep Throat: Mr. Mulder, they crossed the road a very long time ago. Trust no fowl.

X: The chicken is choosing a dangerous time to cross alone. The road is still out there, but it's never been more dangerous.

Marita Covarrubias: I don't know how much I can tell you about the chicken.... Oh yessssss, the chickenssssss. How much time do you have?

Jeremiah Smith: I can't tell you right now why the chicken crossed the road, but if you come with me, I'll show you....

The Mighty Morphin' Bounty Hunter: Tell me where the chicken is!

Danny (Mulder's FBI inside man): Because it needed to get a better look at a license plate.

PILOT

Section Chief Blevins: We trust that the chicken made the proper decision about crossing the road.

DEEP THROAT

Mrs Budahas: That <gasp, shudder> is *not* my chicken

Emil and Zoe: I dunno, but I sure hope he stayed away from the - heh heh - *landmines* and junk!

SQUEEZE

Tom Colton: At this point I'm willing to accept any theory as to why the chicken crossed the road--any sane theory. I'm sorry, Dana, but I only want qualified chickens at the intersection.

Eugene Tooms: Mmm...pate...

Det. Frank Briggs: I've been waiting...sixty years...for the chicken to cross that road.

CONDUIT

Darlene Morris: Why do you want to know? So that the chicken can face the same ridicule I did years ago when *I* crossed the road? You stay away from my chicken.

THE JERSEY DEVIL

Ellen: Well - first it had to get a life. And...a rooster.

Rob: I don't know, but I don't suppose you want to hear about the finer points of the state planning and taxation?

GHOST IN THE MACHINE

Brad Wilczek: Chickens enjoy walking down unpredictable avenues, turning new corners, but, as a general rule, chickens never cross roads.

FALLEN ANGEL

Commander Henderson: Get this chicken out of my sight!

Woman at the U.S. Space Surveillance Center: The chicken seems to be hovering over a small road in eastern Wisconsin.

EVE

Eves: It just knew.

FIRE

Phoebe Greene: Did the chicken have a date, 'cause if not... I could always...

Cecil L'ively: It was dying for a cigarette.

BEYOND THE SEA

Luther Lee Boggs: I can see... the chicken; yes, the chicken, is in pain, great pain, and oh god! The Road! He's going to cross the road!!

LAZARUS

Jack Willis: I don't know....I think I remember why it crossed the road... No! No! I don't care about that chicken anymore!!!

THE CALUSARI

Charlie/Michael Holvey: The chicken wants to cross the road, Mommy. *Now*.

GENDERBENDER

Brother Andrew: The chicken left its peaceful community of brothers and sisters and crossed the road to become one of you . . . to enjoy pleasures we can't.

Michael: The road's touch was electric....but after that, the chicken remembers, only vaguely. Crossing the road used to be so simple!

YOUNG AT HEART

John Barnett: (breath) Man... I'm *everywhere* that chicken is... <breath>

MIRACLE MAN

Rev. Cal Hartley: The chicken crossed to be HEALED! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! GOD is with the chicken! Amen...

SHAPES

Indian man: He should have been called... Feathered Chicken... or Flying Chicken, not Crossing Chicken.

DARKNESS FALLS

Doug Spinney: The chicken crossed the road because its natural habitat was being methodically destroyed by clearcuts and illegal logging... within ten years, we won't have any forests *or* chickens left!

BORN AGAIN

Michelle Bishop: *I* made the chicken cross the road.

Detective Sharon Lazard: There's no way the chicken crossed the road on its own. I've known that chicken for years, and it would never do that.

ROLAND

Chickens cross roads. But they're not supposed to get run down.

BLOOD

Ed Funsch: It was ordered to by its microwave oven.

DUANE BARRY

Duanne Barry: I don't know... it just had to go...Please, I'm askin' ya not to stop it from crossing the road... it just has to go!!!!!!!

3

Kristin Kilar: The chicken won't cross the road. It's not who he is. It doesn't make him happy.

AUBREY

BJ Morrow: It saw a dog digging in the field across the road.

ANASAZI

CC's FBI Agent: The chicken crossed the road? Wasn't the chicken originally assigned to remain at the *side* of the road?

IRRESISTIBLE

Donnie Pfaster: Were its feathers normal, or dry?

Agent Bocks: It shot across the road to see what's the what.

Karen Kosseff (speaking to the chicken): How does crossing the road make you feel? What are your fears about crossing the road? Are you afraid of failing the rooster?

COLONY

The Gregors: That chicken was the last remaining. Unless you protect it, it is already dead.

Rev. Sistrunk: You're asking me if chicken roasts on hell's barbecue for crossing the road?

FEARFUL SYMMETRY

Sophie the Gorilla: Chicken go crossing road.

HUMBUG

Mr. Nutt: Just because you have a chicken, you automatically assume that it will cross the road? In an attempt to continue an age-old joke that never had any humor in the first place, you've only managed to further trample on the subject... and draw it out in all its mediocrity. When in fact - do you really know if the chicken had better things to do than simply cross the road? That perhaps it may have gone off to study, to gain a better life? But no, you just took the simple framework of common knowledge, and *assumed* that the chicken would cross the road, thus increasing an already cliched stereotype.

The Conundrum: (burp)

Dr. Blockhead: It's a mystery. And some mysteries were never meant to be solved.

OUR TOWN

Workers at Chaco Chicken: A chicken? That wasn't a chicken, that was the Mayor...

CLYDE BRUCKMAN'S FINAL REPOSE

The Stupendous Yappi: The chicken feels it is not in control of its own destiny. It has feathers - somewhere on its body. It recently laid an egg - or not. <raises eyebrow> Here - it tries to force itself onto the road! But...it cannot cross the road...it is incompetent.

Clyde Bruckman: Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do any of us do anything? Why did he choose that exact moment to cross the road, thus leaving a slight indentation in the surface... that, fifty years later, causes a man driving a blue sports car to hit it, and spin off the road, spiraling to his death...

Madame Zelma: Madame Zelma, she is a fortune-teller, NOT a chicken keeper.

2SHY

Virgil Incanto: Mmm... Schmaltz.

NISEI/731

Japanese diplomat: To be fitted out for a pillowcase.

OUBLIETTE

Lucy Householder: I don't know nothin' about no chicken. If I'm your last hope... then that chicken's in a lot more trouble than you think.

ThE BLESSING WAY/PAPER CLIP

Albert Hosteen: There is an ancient Indian saying that a chicken lives only as long as the last person that remembers it crossing the road.

Dr. Pomerantz: The chicken told me about its experience of crossing the road... It was afraid... but it didn't die. Someone must have cared for the chicken... It had to get back to that safe place we talked about.

Luis Cardinal: We got the wrong chicken!

Elizabeth Peters: "It was a stormy, violent piece of music --- Chopins "Revolutionary Etude"... I couldn't resist. I moved closer to him and spoke. "How nice. You're playing our song." "Night Train to Memphis."

D.P.O: Because it was in for a little barbecue, heh-heh.

THE LIST

Napleon "Neech" Manley: To avenge all the petty tyranny and the cruelty it has suffered.

WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES

Dr. Bambi: To eat, sleep, defecate, procreate. Who cares about the road... what bugs did the chicken eat for lunch?

Dr. Ivanov: I don't know much about... *chickens*. What is it?

Stoner Guy: Woah, man. The chicken's crawling up inside your arm. That's wrong, dude.

SYZYGY

Det. White: To solve the mystery of the horned chicken.

Terri: The chicken killed Mr. Tippy!! Margi: Hate him, hate him, wouldn't wanna date him!

Madame Zirinka: You want me to tell you why the chicken crossed the road? Business hours are nine to five, all major credit cards accepted.

PUSHER

Robert Modell: The other side of the road looks very interesting. The sky looks so blue on that side. Cerulean blue. I bet you want to go to the other side of the road. The chicken's right over there, waiting. Go on, cross the road...

Holly: I don't know why the chicken did it! I'm so, so sorry, sir... I'm so sorry...

UNRUHE

Gerry Schnauz: Because it needed to get rid of the Howlers. Er hat unruhe....

GROTESQUE

Agent Bill Patterson: To really understand the chicken's motivation, you must get inside its head and risk letting the chicken into yours.

JOSE CHUNG'S FROM OUTER SPACE

Jose Chung: I interviewed the chicken several times, over the course of three weeks, and each time I interviewed him, I got a different answer! Truth is as subjective as reality! By the way, do you know if he prefers the term 'crosser' or 'transportee'?

The Men in Black: No object is more often mistaken for a chicken than the planet Venus. You never saw a chicken.

Det. Manners: Does anyone give a bleep why the bleepin' chicken crossed the road? Who the bleep cares? By the way, someone called to say they found a real live bleepin' chicken body.

Lord Kinbote: No harm will come unto the chicken. The chicken's efforts are needed for the survival of all earth-chickens. Come, I will showeth thee the chicken.

Lt. Jack Schaeffer: The chicken did NOT cross the road...the chicken did NOT cross the road...

Blaine Faulkner: It wasn't a chicken. It was a MIB sent in by the *proper authorities* disguised as a chicken, and it wasn't pulling it off. Like, it was yellow, but a little *too* yellow, you know?

Roky Crikenson: This may sound kinda crazy but the chicken wanted to be abducted by aliens. So that he wouldn't have to get a job or anything.

QUAGMIRE

Stoner Dude: Mannn... 'cause there were all these arrows, and stuff-- and they were just telling the chicken to go, man... just go...

HOME

Mrs. Pea****: I kin tell you don't have no chickins of yer own. Otherwaz you'd unnerstan' the prad, the luv, whin you know yer chickins'd do anithin' fer their keeper.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: The day that chicken crossed the road... I knew the day had come and my home would never be the same...

Pea**** Brothers: To raise and breed its own stock, if you know what I mean.

THE FIELD WHERE I DIED

Melissa Riedal-Ephesian: Once, long ago, the chicken and I stood by this road - this is the road where I watched the chicken cross.

Sydney: I don't know why! Why don't you just leave the chicken alone! Leave it alone! It's already been through too much...

PAPER HEARTS

John Lee Roche: I can tell you about the chicken... but you need to help me. I want a deal. Trust a chicken molester?

TUNGUSKA/TERMA

Member of Congress: Answer the question, Miss Road: Where is the chicken, and why is it not here?

EL MUNDO GIRA

Soledad Buente: Because his brother betrayed him.

NEVER AGAIN

Betty: Another chicken in my bed! If it crosses the road, it's dead!!!

Ed Jerse: Can you hear that? She's driving me crazy...She's so jealous...she hates it when chickens cross the road...

LEONARD BETTS

Leonard Betts: He's sorry. But the road had something he needed.

MEMENTO MORI

Dr. Scanlon: The chicken's going to feel like dying.

Kurt Crawford: I saw several chickens, and they were all wearing white lab coats and were headed for the Lombard Research Facility... After all, they want the same thing you want...

TEMPUS FUGIT/MA

xSharon Graffia: The chicken wrote to me.. just before he crossed the road. He knew what was going to happen.

Sgt. Frisch: (nervous) I did it. I made the chicken cross the road.

Max Fenig: So, I've devoted my life to providing all you disbelievers out there with proof. Proof that there are chickens right now, as we speak, crossing the road in alien ships for purposes of a rather troubling agenda known only to the government, the FBI, and certain high-ranking members of the military/poultry community. Not that they'd ever admit it publicly... of course. Nor would they admit they have salvaged some of this poultry technology and are using it in military applications. No, that would be un-American. And they won't admit it until someone confronts them with unrefutable, undeniable proof. Someone like me. And I should probably mention that I do this at great risk to my personal health and safety. But, hey, when everyday is just another day you're going to be kidnapped by little feathered dudes from Foster Farms, what's a few CIA spooks to worry about?

SMALL POTATOES

Eddie Van Blundht: Let's just say hypothetically that the chicken did cross the road. Now if that's what the road wanted and nobody got hurt, then hypothetically where's the crime? <Hmmm... wonder if I can morph my skin to look like feathers???>

ELEGY

Chuck Forsch: Oooh! That was me, I did it! I admit it, I did it! I made the chicken cross the road! I'm just a human being after all!

GETHSEMANE

Michael Kritschgau: The chicken was an elaborate hoax all along, planted so that you would believe the lie that chickens existed.

Chris Carter: You'll have to wait until the movie comes out next summer to find out.

Howard Gordon: Because it was too tired to work anymore.

Morgan & Wong: Well, it had left this road to pursue another path, but it came to a dead end, so it returned home to the old road. Now that it was back on that road, though, it didn't seem the same, so eventually it saw a road that it really wanted to be on, and vowed that it would never again return to the original road.

Darin Morgan: Because he saw the comic potential of introducing such a novel concept.

John Shiban: Because it was being chased by El Chupacabra.

Vince Gilligan: Crossing the road was true to the chicken's nature. It was familiar, something that he had done before.

Fanfic writer: Because Chris Carter wasn't letting it go anywhere, and it needed someone to let it cross.

X-Phile: Maybe the chicken is so fed up waiting for the %@#&*@ premeire that it decided to go play in traffic.

Non X-Phile: Who cares? It's just a stupid chicken! It's fictional! Why the heck are you so concerned about chickens, anyway? I just don't see what you see in this whole thing!

Shipper: The chicken and the road had undeniable chemistry and were fated to cross.

NoRoMo: I can't understand why you people can't be satisfied with the chicken walking by the side of the road. Why does the chicken have to cross the road? Why are you focusing on that? It would ruin the chicken!

Jackie St. George: To get a bottle of Labatt's.

Mulder: I am telling you it crossed the road! Scully: And I am telling you, Mulder, there's no such thing as chickens! MIB uses Flashy Thing : What you just saw was *not* a chicken crossing the road. Some swamp gas got caught in a weather balloon... SIGHTINGS commercial: Coming up next, two young men claim they witnessed a chicken crossing the road.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

32. Armed Forces Report

Subject: Visualizing Integrative Synchronized Interactive Omniscience Normalization (VISION)

PROCESS: Visualizing Integrative Synchronized Interactive Omniscience Normalization (VISION)


33. The Zodiac

Ares (March 21 to April 19): Chickens born under the sign of Ares are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20): They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they do not know what is on the other side and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side.

Leo (July 20 to August 22): Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They need plenty of drama and color to escape a normal, humdrum existence. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunities it provides.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.

Libra (September 23 to October 22): Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They are compelled to think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making crossing the road always a considerable risk to themselves and others.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.

Sagittarius (November 23 to December 21): These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world. , and a spirit which longs to be free.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.


34. The Rest

Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.

William J. Broad: The crux is that the vast majority of the poultry in the universe seems to be missing.

Bukowski: To go to the bar, pick a fight, and find a good hen.

Rich Cook: Crossing the road today is a race between civil engineers striving to build bigger and better super-highways, and the chicken trying to prove them bigger and better idiots. So far, the chicken is winning.

Steven Covey: A chicken'slife is the result of its own choices. To blame and or accuse people, the environment, or other factors is to choose to empower those things to control them

Salvador Dali: Fish.

Sue Donim: (1) On a strange road chickens cross fast.

(2) The chicken that pauses too long before the crossing will forever stay on one side of the road.

M. S. Escher: (1) The chicken was ascending or descending the stairway, depending on your perspective

(2) That depends upon the plane of reality the chicken was on at the time

(3) The chicken didn't cross the road. It's an optical illusion. You see? Both sides of the road are really the same side

Bobbie Fisher: It was just a Bishop's pawn in a Queen Knight's game.

Friedrich Froebel: To teach the brood.

Buckminister Fuller: Because we have not yet designed and implemented true, constantly forwardly/backwardly evolving, energy-transforming living machines which will enable us to perform all functions from the informedly turbining hub of a single autonomous in-spiralling/out-radiating network of space-connected information vector transforms. Had the chicken been supplied with my Dymaxion Tensegrity Coop, it would have remained at home, un-tempted by such risky spatial-temporal translations.

Charles Gorin: It was an endplay, a Chicken Coup.

Gary Gygax: Because I rolled a 64 on the "Chicken Random Behaviors" chart on page 497 of the Dungeon Master's Guide.

Ray Kass: Let's forget it never happened.

"Dr." Jake Katz Uhh... because I was chasing it? I don't remember, but that's my best guess.

Ralph Klein: Because we gave it a one-way bus ticket to B.C.

Mark Knophler: How come Chickens got Industrial Disease?

Jacques Lacan: Because of its desire for object A.

J.A. McCulloch: She's making a run for the bar with the flashing Budweiser sign.

Ann Onomous: (1) The chicken that has never crossed the road says its mother cooks best.

(2) Wherever there is a road there is also a chicken to cross.

(3) I don't know why everyone keeps on talking about the chicken that crossed the road. As far as I am concerned someone built a road across the chicken's path.

Bill Shankly: It didn't have any education. It had to use its brains.

Brad Templeton: Do you think I have time to answer questions like that? I'm not a riddle-answering service. Anyway, I've heard it before.

Andy Warhol: For fifteen minutes of fame.

Jerry White: Why does a chicken cross the road only half-way? So she can lay it on the line.

Frank Lloyd Wright: To get a better perspective of my building

Francisco Ximenes: Because that road was made by the Arabs.

Carl Zwanzig: (1) "Duct tape"

(2)A chicken is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


35 The Navy

Subject: U.S. Navy answers the question "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Date: Tue, 31 Jan. 1999 06:49:00 -0500

Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA):

The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Special Forces Command (SEALS):

The chicken crossed at a 90-degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS):

Due to the needs of the Navy, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA):

Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the SSO.

Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC):

This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'

Naval Surface Reserve Force (NAVSURFRESFOR):

The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

Theater Air Control Center (TACC):

We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR):

The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.

Naval Intelligence (OXYMORON):

What chicken?

Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM):

The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

Naval Sea Systems Command (NAVSEASYSCOM):

Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment.

NAVSEASYSCOM's Chicken Systems Program Office (PMS400CSPO):

In a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution Strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission. The actual crossing of the road has not occurred, however, due to the number of action items still open from the meeting.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

36 Generic Quotes

Anesthesiologist: To get away from the surgeons' banal and inappropriate banter and joke telling.

Any Late Evening News Anchor: The chicken crosses the road. Film at 11:00. Stay tuned as we present this historical event.

Arabic saying: A wide road brings out faults in the crossing.

Teddy Bear: Now tubbiness is just the thing which gets a chicken wandering.

The Chicken: (1) Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!.

(2) I am crossing the road to block traffic as a protest against ..." (thump).

(3) Because I felt like it, okay? I gotta explain my every reason? Look, I'm not running for office, y'know! I got a private life, too, and a right to my own... SQUAWK

Jewish Chicken: Vaat? The pig crosses the road and no one notices. But I cross the road and now it's a Federal case already?!

New York Chicken: $B%_(BD. Hey! I'm walkin' here!

Chinese saying: Whether the chicken's crossing is fast or slow, the road is always the same.

Cowboy from Texas: "Y'all cross thataways."

The Cypher: The observant general elected to travel on the helicopter entering on the highly elevated revolving staircase invoking damaging editorials. (Needs to be decoded.)

Czech saying: Not even a chicken crosses for nothing.

Endocrinologist: It actually wasn't a chicken. It was an ostrich with Turner's Syndrome, and the answer to the question may be easier to answer after a 24 hour, Avian Cortisol level.

Estonian saying: A chicken that crosses among the cars without fear dies without honor.

French saying: It is easy to cross the road when no vehicle comes.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Mama Hen: You aren't going to! If all the other chickens crossed the road, would that mean you would have to do it too? No, and that's final. Where are you going? You come back here this instant!

Japanese saying: Hated chickens fear not the road.

Karate student: I hoped there was an easier way to get a new belt.

Any Lawyer: (1) That's where the ambulances are.

(2) Crossing the road, is outside the limits of acceptable and standard practice in the chicken community in particular and the fowl community in general, and I believe we have a case here. Here is my card. (courtesy of Wendie H)

Managed Care Director: It wasn't really necessary for the chicken to cross the road. He already had what he needed along with the necessary facilities on the side of the road he was already standing. Therefore he will have to pay out of pocket for the entire trip.

Jewish Mother: If her father had seen her cross, he would have turned over in his gravy.

Mom: No one could tell, really. She was mumbling to herself about peace and quiet. She circled the block a couple times and came back a lot happier.

A Traffic Control Officer : The light was green.

Orthopedist: To replace the rooster's hip.

Pashto saying: Do not cross the road which neither your father nor your mother has ever crossed.

Pediatrician: To reassure the mother hen.

Persian Saying: The chicken's crossing, although full of faults, is perfect in its father's eyes.

Plastic Surgeon: To get a breast implant and a thigh tuck.

Georgia Policeman: It doesn't matter why. In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road within city limits. (True)

Los Angeles Police: Give me five minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Any Politician: Don't blame the chicken! Society is to blame. The chicken did cross the road, but he or she was merely a victim of this racist, bigoted, sexist society. We are all to blame, for failing to provide... [blah, blah, blah -- ad nauseam]

Any Calculus Professor: The road, if expressed in the form (y2-y1)/(x2-x1) is approximate for cases where lim(y2-y1)/(x2-x1) as (x2-x1) -> 0, is represented by the derivative, or rate of change, of the road with respect to the chicken, such that the value of the chicken may be assumed equal to the value of (y2-y1)/(x2-x1), for small values of roads.

Any Philosophy 101 Professor: Why not?

Psychiatrist: Without a course of antidepressants and a full year of individual psychotherapy, he wouldn't even have had the motivation to cross the road in the first place.

Radiologist: Cannot say for sure that the chicken actually crossed the road, but I cannot rule out that he didn't either. I would suggest that we order some more tests and perhaps consult with a traffic cop to obtain additional clinical correlation.

Any Redneck: That was a chicken?! Oh damn Bubba, turn around!

Western New York Retailers: To see the hens in Hens & Kelly's window.

Swedish saying: Fortune follows the chicken who flees it across the road and flees from the chicken who seeks it.

Talmid Class: Well. Why not?

Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.

Urologist: To serve as ringside physician at the illegal ****fight

New Yorker: Get that freakin' chicken off the freakin' road or I'll break its freakin' neck!


taken from : http://www.law.wfu.edu/courses/BusOr...cross-road.htm

If I didn't have broadband, that'd have pissed me off.

Originally posted by Structural Integrity
I'm still waiting for someone to quote this post...

*hint* *hint*

hope that helped.