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Unread 28 May 2006, 20:39   #1
ATRO
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Joke

Theres a guy opening a new bar in town so he decides to have a night out and suss out the competition. He walks into the most popular bar in town and orders himself a pint, he hears some piano music playing and notices an old guy in the corner surrounded by young girls "that musics fantastic" he mutters to himself and wanders over to the old guy. He acknowledges the scruffy old man at the piano and asks him "excuse me, that piece of musics fantastic....what is it?" the old guy replies "i call it i was taking our lass from behind last night" OK the entrepreneur thinks to himself and continues drinking his beer, the old guy starts playing another piece of music that is even better than the first "**** me" the entrepreneur thinks "thats even better than the previous" "Excuse me but may i ask what u call that?" the old guy replies "Sure, i call it u cant beat a soapy tit wank" the entrepreneur propositions the old guy "Look, im opening a new bar in town next week and i would like to book u for the opening night, i will pay you £300 for the night providing u smarten yourself up a bit" the old guy thinks the offer over for a second then replies " Deal".

The opening night arrives and the bar is starting to fill up, the little old guy turns up smart as a dart and starts playing the piano, hes off key and sounds shit "WTF?"asks the entrepreneur "the other night u were fantastic and tonight u cant hit a note?" the old guy replies "yeah but i was rushing tonight and i cant play until i've had a wank", the entrepreneur ushers the old guy towards the management suite and tells the old guy" look theres a porno mag in there, do your stuff and i will see you in 5", the old guy returns sits down at the piano and starts playing, once again hes fantastic and the nights going a treat.

Later in the night as the guests start mingling the old guy has his usual crowd when a pretty young girl asks him "Excuse me, do you know your penis is out and you've got semen stains on your trousers?", the old guy replies knowingly "Know it? I ****in wrote it!"
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Unread 28 May 2006, 21:28   #2
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Re: Joke

please dont


(edit: am i allowed to say that or am i being needlessly aggressive again? I hear another poster on a forum somewhere told someone not to post shit before, so does it count as a bandwagon if I do it too?)
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Unread 28 May 2006, 21:50   #3
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Re: Joke

I quite liked it, although I tend to appreciate rubbish jokes.
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Unread 28 May 2006, 21:53   #4
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Re: Joke

I agree, and the reply did seem abit much to me.
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Unread 28 May 2006, 21:54   #5
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Re: Joke

what has the old man being scruffy got to do with anything?
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Unread 28 May 2006, 21:59   #6
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Re: Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by milo
what has the old man being scruffy got to do with anything?
One would imagine if he wasn't so scruffy he'd clean the semen stains off his pants.
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Unread 28 May 2006, 22:29   #7
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Re: Joke

well, i thought it funny and thought i would share, damn this audience is hard to please
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Unread 28 May 2006, 22:38   #8
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Re: Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyBGood
One would imagine if he wasn't so scruffy he'd clean the semen stains off his pants.
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Unread 28 May 2006, 22:50   #9
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Re: Joke

It's a good joke, with the formatting smartened up a bit it would probably be even better
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Unread 28 May 2006, 23:01   #10
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Re: Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyBGood
One would imagine if he wasn't so scruffy he'd clean the semen stains off his pants.
Possibly, but it doesn't really contribute much to the joke. I'd leave it out in a retell.
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Unread 28 May 2006, 23:12   #11
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Re: Joke

just heard this, thought the thread was appropriate...

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to students. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.


Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.


Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first
communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Unread 28 May 2006, 23:26   #12
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Re: Joke

i guess i'm the only one who recieves this joke (although usually better formatted) in hilarious chain mails every six months or so
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Unread 28 May 2006, 23:56   #13
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Re: Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phang
i guess i'm the only one who recieves this joke (although usually better formatted) in hilarious chain mails every six months or so


since i've managed to break social ties with every person i know who forwards 'hilarious' email,

i've been 'out of the loop'
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Unread 29 May 2006, 00:46   #14
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Re: Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phang
i guess i'm the only one who recieves this joke (although usually better formatted) in hilarious chain mails every six months or so
ofc you do, so maybe you heard the joke, other people may appreciate it if they were given the chance? why bother with the me me me attitude if you are so popular? have a coke and a smile?
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Unread 29 May 2006, 00:50   #15
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Re: Joke

Just a daft sidenote, i posted a joke and have recieved 2 neg reps, i wasnt trying to slag any1 off or badmouth, the forums are in a poor state if you recieve neg rep for "trying" to spread a bit of cheer
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Unread 29 May 2006, 01:03   #16
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Re: Joke

phang's just young and immature.

I was going to neg rep for use of 'u' but then i read the joke again and actually understood it. didnt find it funny, but meh :/
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Unread 29 May 2006, 01:12   #17
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Re: Joke

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh*t mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."
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Unread 29 May 2006, 01:33   #18
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Re: Joke

i laughed, but tbh i have no diea why that's funny
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Unread 29 May 2006, 08:12   #19
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Re: Joke

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