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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 17:40   #1
JammyJim
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B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Last night i turned my PC on after being away from home for about an hour or two. With the window open and a fan going full pelt the temperature in my room rose to around 90 degrees fahrenheit (around 30 degrees c i think).

Getting to sleep was tricky even when it had been off for over an hour.

This happens frequently in summer due to my PC or other PC's being on and working from home some days.

SOOO

I head to the trusty internet to provide me with prices of AC units. Ones for the home. Ones with a hose you can dangle out a window and 'seal' with some carefully places towels. None of this fancy crap involving drilling and whatnot. Just a quick easy and relatively cheap way of cooling down a room that makes work unbearably hot at times. Im fully aware they probably kill the environment and baby seals will die if i bought one but tbh i dont care. Im hot and i dont give a shit about what stuff it pumps out of its pipe into the atmosphere (although i have a feeling its just water).

I head to Comet and find various ones on offer with Kilowatt this and BTU that. Seemingly the more of the number the better so i weigh up my options and head to comet. However whilst at the junction for B&Q i think 'may as well take a gander'

I pull off and head into the store. I walk up and down thinking 'where in the **** are the AC units'. I ask a woman and she points me to the end of the aisle im standing on and goes 'er there'.

Seemingly the heat has made me go blind


On the box is "14,000 BTU - LARGE ROOM."

Im thinking thats about 3000 more BTUs than comet offer......THREE THOUSAND MORE. I ask what the price is and the woman gives me another look of 'are you really stupid or something?' and points to the sign above them saying £300 in brightly coloured lettering in size 432font. the same price as the one in comet!

I thank her and go grab a flat loading trolley. I can't pass up an offer of these proportions.


I always imagined AC units to be fairly hefty size wise and a bit heavy. I grabbed one of them and slid it to the end of the little bit of wood they all sat on and tried to lift it. It couldnt be lifted easily. I put this down to the awkward shape of the box and thought 'ill just let it fall gently onto the flatbed and then move it around when its on there' which is what i did.

I went to pay and after about 4 people in the queue just staring at it for the entire duration i was there finally got out of the place.

Walked to the car and opened the boot.



I dont know about you guys and girls but im pretty shit on bootspace and putting things in said boot. The opening for the boot is approximately a foot maybe more above the ground. I think 'no problem for superman like me' and do a tim taylor style grunt which can be heard briefly here

I get my arms underneath and around the box and bend knees as you are supposed to and lift. Nothing happens. Im thinking pffft try harder. So do and get it up. and onto the boot lid....except its the wrong way round because its so awkwardly large. Im now left there thinking 'shit'.... I get it back down onto the flatbed thing and move it around to the passenger door with the idea of sliding it into the backseat. No joy. Its too wide and the door wont open enough.

Back to the boot. Several passers by including what some (read:all) would consider a MILF (phwoar) try and help me. A 87 year old man and his wife who i presume was called Agnes or Mildred help me up with it and the MILF does her bit on the end. We get it up. Itll fit! Except it wont because the ****ing angle is all wrong.

We give up and get it back onto the flatbed. The old man says sorry and i say thanks. He leaves. The MILF says 'if i had brought my convertible you coudlve driven with me back to your house and done it that way' with a twinkle in her eye.

Im not sure if shes coming onto me or not, although im fairly sure she is as shes hanging around a lot longer than the old dude did even after its fairly obvious it wont fit and now shes offering to give me a ride back to my place in her soft top. (SCORE). However, I say thanks very much and after standing around for a bit longer with her trying to think of another way to get it home decided to head back into the store after thainking her for her help and view of clevage.

(shouldve had more sex with her in the back of my car i know)


I goto the helpdesk and ask the girl to get me someone who can help. Im greeted with a fairly chubby dude. My experience of fat men who work in places where heavy lifting is required is usually that although they are fat, they can lift 10x their own body mass without breaking a sweat. This guy was no different. He sliced open the packaging at my request and we got the ****er into the boot and all the various bits and bobs into the back. I thank him and im on my merry way back to the house still thinking about how id just missed out on MILF sex but nm.

I get home just as my brother gets back from an A-level exam. I forget to even ask him how it went and inform him hes about to help me get this thing up a flight of stairs. He doesnt exactly 'willingly' oblige but does help. We get it inside. The thing is huge. I mean its monsterously big. Much bigger than i even realised when putting it in the boot. It could cool about 10 houses not just one.

As i currently live with my parents this proves a problem. Mum is home. Mum has a thing about how 'work has taken over the house' as im here a lot of the time and my desk is rather filled with things like laptops and monitors etc etc.

She doesnt greet the AC unit well. 'Its too big. Why did you have to get an industrial one? This isnt an office' blah blah blah blah.

I ignore her complaints as i have a single goal.

I have not spent an hour of my time and lost half my body weight in sweat to stop now. I have to win for the sake of all men.

The AC unit WILL be going to the top of the stairs and into the hall and it will be working and cooling me before the day is out so help me god.


We try carrying it but due to the angle of the staircase theres no way of doing it without one person taking 99% of the weight. So i have the ace idea of sliding it up. This works surprisingly well and although it takes about 15minutes we get it to the top and there was much celebration and halleljuias. Id imagine this is what it felt like after God had finished creating the heavens and the earth. Although i doubt he was sweaty at the end of it.

I stand it upright for the first time.

It looks absurd. Its about half my height and fairly wide. Im thinking 'shit'...Mum comes up and her previous reaction is amplifieid somewhat by a 'I am not having this in my house!' type thing. I plead with her. It fails.

I have won the battle but seemingly the War rages on.


As i fetch the rest of the stuff from the car weary and close to defeat she makes a sly call to dad who 'wants to talk to me'..

I am to take it back.


Ok



Fair enough.

It looks stupid and its huge. But ive done it. I got a 24 tonne AC unit back home and to the top of the stairs with only some minor back and hand injuries. Im a hero. A true hero.

I want to turn it on. Ive suffered. Ive been through pain and agony and ive missed out on MILF fun for this damn thing so i want to at least see it work.

I get a resolute 'no'. I grab the plug and she grabs the unit and refuses to budge telling me to take it back at once. Ive lost.

My mother is only 5'4. Shes quite small. I couldve just smacked her in the face and said 'NOT TODAY CHUMP!' and laughed in the way superheros do but i didnt. I have too much respect and sadly i wasnt brought up to smack my mother in hte face. If only i had been from a redneck family

My brother is taking a shower and refuses to help me take it down as now he realises how heavy it is (and i tricked him into helping before). So i just say 'FINE ILL TAKE IT BACK' and in a fit of stupidity decided im going to slide it down slowly back down the stairs on its side.

GREAT PLAN a little voice in my head cries.

I put it on its side and brace myself 3 stairs down for the initial 'oh shit this is heavy'.
However its really really really heavy. I take the weight and both my feet slide backwards down 3 steps before i regain control all the while thinking 'oh christ im going to die'. I had a vision as i was sliding backwards of the slide continuing all the way down until i was forced into a wall followed by the AC unit and then squashed into a small pancake and then in hospital with broken ribs and arms and the doctors laughing when they were told why i was going to be in a wheelchair the rest of my life on a resperatory machine.

Thankfully i regained my footing and grabbed the banister thing so held it and then slowly but surely slid it back down to ground level. Brother then decided to help and we carried it out to the car. Put it in the boot and i drove back to B&Q.

The guy who came out to get it from the back didnt say a word. He seemed pissed off for some reason. I thought 'maybe he knows its heavy or something' but he clearly didnt as i offered to help and he just grunted in a non tim allen style. I nearly laughed as he went to grab it. got it out and then all of a sudden his arms began violently shaking and he said 'er a little help please'. I helped him tho and got the refund.


The moral of this little (and im sure many of you will say tl;dr) story is that although it may seem really cool to get the biggest and best and most powerful. In all likelyhood when you get it home itll look shit. Itll have wasted 3 hours of your time. And you will have to take it back because a woman of some sorts, whether it be your wife, girlfriend or mother will stamp her feet and go 'not in my house/flat/1 bedroom studio'.


My room is currently 84.6 degrees Fahrenheit. It works out to around 29degrees C.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 17:54   #2
Phalon
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

A good story.

You should hang around outside B&Q until the MILF resurfaces.

At least then your tale of woe will have a happy ending. (and you can have lots of sex with her )
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 17:56   #3
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

What in gods name were you thinking, trying to go down the stairs in front of it?
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 17:57   #4
JammyJim
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

I could hardly go behind it or on top of it could I?!

'i rode the AC unit down the stairs like a cowboy!' yeeehaaa!
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:00   #5
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Rather a hole in the wall than a hole in the wall with added giblets.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:03   #6
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

You know youve read slashdot too long when you see the title and wonder why jammyjim is hunting anonymous cowards in b&q
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:04   #7
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

AC units are heavy. Now you've learnt this wonderful lesson as well.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:11   #8
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

dude, your family suck
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:15   #9
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Another Slayer
dude, your family suck
if only he had a sister
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:21   #10
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Exclamation Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Getting a too-large A/C is a classic mistake. And if it hadn't been your mother, then something else would have been your undoing; e.g.:
  • You'd have gotten the unit up to your room and discovered it's too big to fit into the window
  • You'd have gotten the unit up to your room and discovered you don't have an electrical outlet with a high enough capacity
Next time, get the smaller unit. Too large units can actually be less efficient as they will cycle on and off all the time and end up using more power and wearing out faster.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:26   #11
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ste
if only he had a sister
At least we heard his mum is still alive!
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:40   #12
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

internet forum user leaves house backs out of sex and is bossed around by his parents. thread created and approved
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:45   #13
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyBGood
At least we heard his mum is still alive!
a milf you say?
PICSPLZTA
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:51   #14
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deffeh
internet forum user leaves house backs out of sex and is bossed around by his parents. thread created and approved
That's "internet forum administrator, SIR!" to you, young hooligan.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 18:58   #15
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

The MILF didn't want you.

Besides, if you had taken her to your house, wouldn't your mum and brother have joined in?
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 19:24   #16
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

http://www.diy.com/diy/jsp/miscellan...y/delivery.jsp
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 19:30   #17
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

i ordered one for my parents from argos,



its only 4K BTU below what JJ is on about and its 80cm high (just checked for the first time), im now 'worried'
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 19:34   #18
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

is 40kg 'heavy'?
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 19:43   #19
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

40 bags of sugar innit
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 19:48   #20
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

40 kilograms = 6.29892178 stone, says google. Dunno if that makes it any easier for you.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 19:48   #21
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

i think i need to reconsider my choice


edit: i realised its two airport suitcase allowances on a long haul flight, ie you're allowed 20Kg per suitcase which is fcking heavy, theres no way id be able to lift 40 kg, who buys these things!!!
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 19:53   #22
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

We have an AC unit downstairs - I love it. Nothing like sitting directly in front of it for a few minutes after being outside in the sun. Not that I wanna make you jealous or anything....

It's about 75cm and it's not too big at all - it does make quite a lot of noise though which gets a bit annoying after a while. Definitely worth it though.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 19:56   #23
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

how heavy is it? ie do you do a sweaty pig impression taking it up the stairs or is it 'ok'?
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 22:23   #24
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

It's an appliance, you don't go buy a fridge and rate it by how heavy it is.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 22:28   #25
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by milo
how heavy is it? ie do you do a sweaty pig impression taking it up the stairs or is it 'ok'?
It's pretty heavy for what it is - it doesn't look like it should be so heavy, but I could definitely lift it into the back of my car, for example.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 22:29   #26
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri
It's an appliance, you don't go buy a fridge and rate it by how heavy it is.


you do if you're planning on moving it about the house
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 22:53   #27
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by milo
i think i need to reconsider my choice


edit: i realised its two airport suitcase allowances on a long haul flight, ie you're allowed 20Kg per suitcase which is fcking heavy, theres no way id be able to lift 40 kg, who buys these things!!!
If you are of average stature you should be able to manage 40kg, especially if you dont have to move it very far.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 23:01   #28
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

I highly doubt you needed an AC unit that powerful. I mean it costed you £300 - your room is only 29 degrees Centigrade. No wonder your mum wasn't impressed.

£300 for something to make your room a bit cooler. Jeez. Just turn off a few computers and open a window. If that doesn't help, I really think that much money is a little excessive.

You have more money than sense, dude
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 23:09   #29
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

It sometimes seems that everyone I know is both richer and more pedantic than me.
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 23:16   #30
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by wu_trax
If you are of average stature you should be able to manage 40kg, especially if you dont have to move it very far.

up two flights of stairs i could do it but not constantly
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Unread 12 Jun 2006, 23:19   #31
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by wu_trax
If you are of average stature you should be able to manage 40kg, especially if you dont have to move it very far.
Moving it in terms of pushing and pulling, sure.

To actually lift that kind of weight on your own and position a large item in a specific way to get it around would be very difficult though.
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 00:28   #32
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomkat
I highly doubt you needed an AC unit that powerful. I mean it costed you £300 - your room is only 29 degrees Centigrade. No wonder your mum wasn't impressed.

£300 for something to make your room a bit cooler. Jeez. Just turn off a few computers and open a window. If that doesn't help, I really think that much money is a little excessive.

You have more money than sense, dude
I wanted maximum power because i had hoped i could place it in the hallway to cool two rooms and hall.
And i cant turn the PC off as i need it for work all day


your plan is a failure
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 07:43   #33
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

just like his lymphatic system
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 09:36   #34
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

As a fellow owner of a 14000 BTU air conditioning unit from B&Q, I feel your pain.

I purchased mine 2 years ago, and I had to move it into my bedroom on the second floor, that was fun.

Then I moved to my new flat, and I had to move it into my new flat, on the 3rd floor, with no lifts.

It sits now in my computer room, when really it should be in my bedroom, but the wheels broke, so to get it to my bedroom would require a Herculian act of power that I just dont have in me!
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 09:47   #35
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by JammyJim
My room is currently 84.6 degrees Fahrenheit. It works out to around 29degrees C.
I try my best not to smirk at this last comment, when I live in a place that can average 40 degrees C during summer.

Still I suppose that would be considered hot for a country that never sees the sun lol!
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 09:57   #36
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by djbass
I try my best not to smirk at this last comment, when I live in a place that can average 40 degrees C during summer.
Within a certain range, temperature perception depends on the observer, so this kind of "temperature elitism" seems bizarre.

Quote:
Originally Posted by djbass
Still I suppose that would be considered hot for a country that never sees the sun lol!
Why is the temperature being stupidly high good, exactly?
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 09:59   #37
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri
Why is the temperature being stupidly high good, exactly?
So the kangaroos can jump higher.
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 10:01   #38
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

I think we'd smirk as well if someone said "omg today there was some cloud in the sky it's such awful weather" or something.
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 10:04   #39
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri
Within a certain range, temperature perception depends on the observer, so this kind of "temperature elitism" seems bizarre.



Why is the temperature being stupidly high good, exactly?
My god Jakiri but has the fun been sucked out of you lately. I was speaking tongue-in-cheek, why you gotta take everything so seriously dude?

To answer your Q's, it wasn't elitism.. but while universally 24 degrees C could be considered very comfortable.. 29 isn't that bad either really... so help me I was amused when a POM whinges the second the temperature rises a few degrees.

Nor did I say it was a good thing, just that it could be worse.. a lot worse.
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 10:06   #40
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

If I lived in a country with 40 degrees celsius temperatures I'd probably kill myself. If I lived in Australia I'd kill myself to the sounds of a didgeredoo.


Awaaaaaanyaheeeeaaaaaaannnnnnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhnnnnnrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaeeeeee.
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 10:09   #41
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Hot weather is good. 29 degrees is fairly comfortable, if it's not then you probably need to lose some weight.
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 10:11   #42
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
Hot weather is good. 29 degrees is fairly comfortable, if it's not then you probably need to lose some weight.
It's not that comfortable for say sleeping or something. If you're outside in the fresh air it's nice though yeah. Depends on the humidity factor though!
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 10:14   #43
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Just buy a fan and turn off the PC's. Simple.
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 11:28   #44
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by djbass
My god Jakiri but has the fun been sucked out of you lately.
Yarr, it be exam time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
if it's not then you probably need to lose some weight.
That's a bit of an oversimplification, methinks.
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 11:32   #45
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri
Yarr, it be exam time.



That's a bit of an oversimplification, methinks.
I'm appalled that exams can be allowed on this late. Surely the administration of Cambridge or Oxford or Hull or whichever great English university you go to understand that summer is time for PARTYING DOWN YEAH!
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 11:40   #46
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

I only finished my exams last Friday my housemate finished yesterday as well.
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 12:03   #47
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

I have an exam tomorrow
It is my only one though.
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 12:03   #48
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blastoderm
Just buy a fan and turn off the PC's. Simple.
Apparently that's an impossibility for JJ
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 12:07   #49
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyBGood
I'm appalled that exams can be allowed on this late. Surely the administration of Cambridge or Oxford or Hull or whichever great English university you go to understand that summer is time for PARTYING DOWN YEAH!
My first one was at the same time as the England Paraguay game!

(Hahaha para-gay)
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Unread 13 Jun 2006, 12:38   #50
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Re: B&Q and the AC Unit that never was (a story!) - a milf features \o/

Quote:
Originally Posted by From rep
Relative humidity obviously has no place in your mind. Try being at 40 degrees and unable to sweat...
lol.. lol.. that would be Darwin... been there, done that. Try jumping in a pool that's warmer than the air outside it... try jumping out of a car with glasses on only to have them insta-fog.
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