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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 14:28   #1
Tomkat
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Speeches

We've got our "Staff Christmas Dinner" a week on Monday.

This is slightly illogical, as the last day of term is Tuesday, so we're all going to have to come in hungover and not willing to face classrooms of kids (I'll just find some videos or something).

As I'm the youngest member of staff (by a year) I've been told that the tradition is that I need to make a speech.

I'm a bit worried.

I probably could make a comfortable, good speech normally.

However, I've only been at the school for a term, so I don't know anyone really well enough to give a few jokes about them, with the exception of one or two. I also don't know what's "acceptable" and what isn't - as I don't know everyone, and there is also a vast difference in ages, from 22-60.

So what should I go for? I was originally just going to give a brief "thanks a lot" type speech, but I've been told that it's supposed to be entertaining and not just be a standard "thanks a lot" speech

Any advice?
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 14:35   #2
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Re: Speeches

Make several jokes about having sex with your students.
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 14:38   #3
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Re: Speeches

Spice it up with some sense of humour












Oh shit
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 14:41   #4
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Re: Speeches

I've found being mildly offensive in a jokey sort of sense helps.

"I remember vividly my first day when I first arrived. I was so impressed by the clean cut students, sparkling facilities and wonderful faculty. I was then told I was in the wrong school and this place was the shithole down the road..."

Or something like that. Generally rubbish "in-jokes" are the way to go (e.g. if everyone hates the finance department because they're rubbish, joke at their expense, if a certain class is notoriously bad then mention them, that sort of thing).
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 17:00   #5
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Re: Speeches

Please mention that while there is no I in team there are two in anal fisting.










PS Threaten someone while you're up there
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 17:27   #6
Dante Hicks
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Re: Speeches

I once plagarised Marilyn Manson's* "Quiet in the cheap seats" remark during a company presentation when the back of the room were talking (they were the directors). It got a laugh so go go GD material.

* = Or at least, I think it was him who said it here.
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 17:35   #7
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Re: Speeches

Mock the PE staff, something along the lines of "student results have gone up exponentially since i've joined, for the PE staff, that means they have gone up"
________
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Last edited by ceres; 31 Aug 2011 at 07:08.
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 17:38   #8
Marilyn Manson
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Exclamation Re: Speeches

Take your penis out and wave it about a bit. Then call all the PE staff paid-up paedophiles who are only in their jobs because they were too stupid to be admitted to a Catholic seminary college. Then say you're going down to the pub and all drinks are on you.
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 17:41   #9
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Exclamation Re: Speeches

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
I once plagarised Marilyn Manson's* "Quiet in the cheap seats" remark during a company presentation when the back of the room were talking (they were the directors). It got a laugh so go go GD material.

* = Or at least, I think it was him who said it here.
This is great.
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 17:53   #10
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Re: Speeches

Tell them that in your spare time you frequent an internet forum inhabited by people who didn't see anything wrong with sex with thirteen year olds. Of both genders.






Also tell them you know nodrog.
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 18:02   #11
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Re: Speeches

http://www.gustavus.edu/oncampus/aca...events/ads.cfm
May help.
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 18:19   #12
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Re: Speeches

make a speech about how you're supposed to give a speech full of jokes about people you hardly know.

it'll be comedy.
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 18:44   #13
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Re: Speeches

Tell them that you are from the internet which is near Ipswitch.

Also, just make some jokes about the cafeteria food - its a London public school, theres no doubt that it tastes of shit.
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 19:00   #14
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Re: Speeches

make lots of jokes that end with "i mean what's up with that" and you'll be a hit
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 19:31   #15
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Re: Speeches

When you want to make a joke and you don't know your audience, then self depracating humor is safe.

You can talk about your fears and concerns about becoming a teacher, about any trepadations you may have had about coming to the particular school. Statagies used to overcome the fears and/or the students. False starts. That sort of thing.
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Unread 12 Dec 2005, 20:39   #16
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Re: Speeches

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
I've found being mildly offensive in a jokey sort of sense helps.

"I remember vividly my first day when I first arrived. I was so impressed by the clean cut students, sparkling facilities and wonderful faculty. I was then told I was in the wrong school and this place was the shithole down the road..."

Or something like that. Generally rubbish "in-jokes" are the way to go (e.g. if everyone hates the finance department because they're rubbish, joke at their expense, if a certain class is notoriously bad then mention them, that sort of thing).
Let Dante write your speech for you.
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Unread 14 Dec 2005, 14:37   #17
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Re: Speeches

buy this book and shamelessly plagiarise it

http://play.com/play247.asp?pa=stts9...K&title=683973

or do a standup act ... eg. have you ever noticed how the white kids walk like this (mime shuffling along) but the muslim kids walk like this? (mime walking furtively)
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