How to kill annoying people on planes

[Dead_Meat]

So, like, I was on this plan, like, and the guy next to me, like, you know, just wouldn't stop talking about his golf game and how, like, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawesome his new driver was and how, like, he just loved, like, the feel of a long shaft in has hand *snip*


So, I could've killed the sorry little shit, and this is a two hour flight. I had in my hands a plastic fork, a plastic glass and a scarmbled egg and salmon croissant, plus assorted reading material.

How do I go about killing the guy (silently), next time this happens, leaving a modicum of evidence and not preventing me from exiting the pane, given I always get window seats?

[JonnyBGood]

Chat him up, ask him to go to the bathroom and when you're both there smash him over the head with a baseball bat, stuff him in the toilet and flush him!

[Sandsnake]

that would work if he's gay...

it would probably at least shut him up if he wasn't....

[Dead_Meat]

Me or the guy next to me?

The gay bit, I mean...

[Sandsnake]

him, but you too as well, I guess.

[Tactitus]

First of all, never get a window seat. The aisle is your first--and frankly--only escape route for everything and anything that can and will go wrong on an airplane. If you get stuck in a window seat, ask to switch with whomever is next to the aisle. Tell them you have a really bad case of diarrhea. Describe your symptoms with increasing graphic content until they agree. Once you're seated on the aisle, Mr. Chatterbox is no longer a problem. Whenever he starts up you just double over and run to the restroom.

Second, never kill other passengers. There's too many witnesses, too few places to hide a body, and the Airlines really frown on this.

Third, if all else fails tell him you're narcoleptic and then five minutes later, pretend to fall asleep in the middle of his sentence. If he tries to wake you up, act disorientated. Re-introduce yourself, tell him you're narcoleptic, and repeat.

[RexDrax]

Hmm...intresting suggestions Tactitus. I like option 3 the best. I shall have to keep that for future events.

[roadrunner_0]

something tell me that tacticus has spent far too much time on planes for his own good

[I am Idler]

bring Novocaine

[Aviendha]

You could do like the guy i was sitting next to for 7 hrs the other week, he almost killed me.


Become this massive black guy, who in all fairness should have booked 2 adjacent seats to hold his bodymass. Then casually fall asleep on the poor persons shoulder next to you, almost choking her, and don't forget to grow a very disturbing body odour.

If the woman next to me hadn't had this very nice and uberstrong perfume, i would have suffocated above the Atlantic with no means of escape from underneath the lost continent that was snuggling up to me.


And always ask for more of those little bottles of wine and/or liquor - it does save lives.

[Zar]

fold up the inflight thick leaflets (the info on the plane(s) in fleet, destinations etc.. - that kind of rubbish)

make sure its folded into a nice tight cylinder that wont fold when you hit with the end surface.

next clench the cylinder tightly just below the middle, with your knuckles facing you

next aim the other end of the cylinder leaflet into the side of this neck aiming to cut deep under his throat and then pull back after you hit

this should choke him/kill him if it is done properly

[pablissimo]

Can't you just leap from your seat and shout 'TERRORIST!"!!"!"' or 'HE'S GOT A BOMB!"'?

Surely these days people are being socially aware enough to smuggle firearms onto planes to curb the threat of airborne terrorism and would take the appropriate action?

[IncubusGod]

Why not flick a peanut off the tray in front of you and into his mouth while he's inhaling and choke him to death. Then when an hair hostess comes over and goes "Aww" and then says "Can I get you anything else" you can say in a thick put-on Dublin accent "Yeah,more peanuts".
Dont forget the inexpliccable scar/deformity in the shape of a bullseye on your forhead.