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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:09   #1
Baron Morte
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sue johanssen is a twat

Shes such a feminist/naturalist/libertarian wanker! Im no longer watching her crappy show
One day i was watching the show and some gay bloke said he would pre-cum too much, and the taste of such element was foul and people were stopping giving him blowjobs. Firstly she told him to do the kegel exercises, which have nothing to do with the problem at hand. Secondly, she told him to "use condoms", even knowing that there is a wide array of medicines to handle that. She said that such medicines would dry his mouth and eyes. What a load of crap. Next on the line there was this guy who would cum immediately after starting to have sex. She actually said to him "well, you should have a wank before starting the intercourse"
WTF!
Imagine the situation, he finally manages to pull a bird at the club, takes her to his flat, and all of a sudden, he goes "well, you could watch the telly while I have a wank and wait for the next erection, in about 20 mins or so ill be back. Enjoy"". Utter unbelievable shit! There is shitloads of medicines to take care of this problem. I dont know the exact term in english, but biology people would know that there is the system that takes care of erection, heartbeats, muscular activity, sweating, the expansion/contraction of our blood vessels, is highly suitable to manipulativity via chemicals. Cocain, for instance, has the property of turning on the system to make your erection last almost permantly, but you lose to ability to cum.
Anyways
What pissed me off the most was the show from yesterday. First there was this chick who didnt like bumsex and she told "well, just say no, your husband is a despicable horny pervert who is only thinking about himself and not about your pleasure" And she went on and on about how there must be reciprocity in order to relationships work.
A sec later a girl called her and told that her bf wouldnt go down on her, and she thinks that she might have a smelly vagina.
Sue j. got furious! And started babling about how the smell of vagina turns men on, and make them horny, and that she should go to him and say "well your penis smells a lot, and I still suck it" and said that vaginas only smell bad when they are infected, otherwise they smell great, and the one with a problem was the bf.
What about the reciprocity she was talking about? I guess it only applies when the guy is having fun eh?
She actually said that it was right her to force him to go down on her smelly vagina!
Sometimes my pubes start smelling "not right". I just apply deodorant and apparently it kills off the dissident bacteria and it start smelling great for months, until the next bacteria outbreak.
Im sure thats whats happening with such a lady.
In short, Sue j. Knows jack about sex, and its a dangerous lesbian feminist monger.
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:20   #2
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

You're still a virgin are you not ?

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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:23   #3
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
Next on the line there was this guy who would cum immediately after starting to have sex. She actually said to him "well, you should have a wank before starting the intercourse"
WTF!
Imagine the situation, he finally manages to pull a bird at the club, takes her to his flat, and all of a sudden, he goes "well, you could watch the telly while I have a wank and wait for the next erection, in about 20 mins or so ill be back. Enjoy"". Utter unbelievable shit!
Not seen Something about Mary then?
Oh and it does work.
(you have the wank before going out not just before sex...)
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:29   #4
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

classic post though
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:30   #5
Baron Morte
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaio
You're still a virgin are you not ?

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nope
i had sex
with a girl
3 weeks ago
I lasted 50 mins
Im a sex god
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:30   #6
Baron Morte
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ste
Not seen Something about Mary then?
Oh and it does work.
(you have the wank before going out not just before sex...)
The way i get that was that he was supposed to wank "before penetration"
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:30   #7
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Exclamation Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Who the hell is Sue Johanssen.
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:31   #8
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

i think the use condoms thing was a bit wrong, everyone knows condoms suck.

also, that woman should wash her fanny.
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:37   #9
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
nope
i had sex
with a girl
3 weeks ago
I lasted 50 mins
Im a sex god
Ah, so that's how you have become such an expert on all matters sexual.........

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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:42   #10
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
nope
i had sex
with a girl
3 weeks ago
I lasted 50 mins
Im a sex god
I reckon there are 3 REAL options:
1)You masturbated beforehand
2)You were pissed off your face
3)She was a minger

hmm?
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:45   #11
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marilyn Manson
Who the hell is Sue Johanssen.
http://pirate.planetarion.com/showth...79#post2699479
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 18:45   #12
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

4) he lies
5) 48 minutes he was trying to get it up heh
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 22:20   #13
Baron Morte
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Actually it has to do with the fact that i do wank regularly, like thrice a week, and when i do, I tend to have a very firm grip on my penis, cos its pretty neat.
When i entered the chick, it felt quite.... "loose"
Also i couldnt keep the same rhythm i have when wanking (quite fast, i would say 3 repetition a sec). On top of it, i was using a condom, which made things even worse.
Well, at first i "thrusted" her for like 30 mins. I wasnt really feeling much. Then she said her fanny was aching, so i had to stop, and rub "it" around. Then she let me try again for like 10 more minutes, when i was, again, interruped by her pains. The last minutes she started doing a bj, then she got tired, and then she started wanking me when my condom blew. As i didnt want to make a mess on my friends bed, I call it the day and went away
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 22:21   #14
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

****ing Hell
We Don't Want Or Need To Know!!!

EDIT - having actually read it, I think the only conclusion is - YOU ARE GAY
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 22:39   #15
Marilyn Manson
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Exclamation Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Muslim should never write about anything regarding sex or relationships in general. It is too disturbing.
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 23:10   #16
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

YOU DIDNT BLOW YOUR LOAD FOR AGES 'CAUSE YOU REALLY WANT TO **** MEN!
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 23:14   #17
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
Actually it has to do with the fact that i do wank regularly, like thrice a week, and when i do, I tend to have a very firm grip on my penis, cos its pretty neat.
When i entered the chick, it felt quite.... "loose"
Also i couldnt keep the same rhythm i have when wanking (quite fast, i would say 3 repetition a sec). On top of it, i was using a condom, which made things even worse.
Well, at first i "thrusted" her for like 30 mins. I wasnt really feeling much. Then she said her fanny was aching, so i had to stop, and rub "it" around. Then she let me try again for like 10 more minutes, when i was, again, interruped by her pains. The last minutes she started doing a bj, then she got tired, and then she started wanking me when my condom blew. As i didnt want to make a mess on my friends bed, I call it the day and went away
3 times a week? thats nothing!

but its normally all nice and wet and lovely and you have the added bonus of having a naked woman to play around with.

i also dont think 50 minutes is particularly long, but then i might just be a non stop loving machine.

anyway, even if it is quick the second time round itll take longer. its all gravy, or summin.
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 23:17   #18
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
Actually it has to do with the fact that i do wank regularly, like thrice a week, and when i do, I tend to have a very firm grip on my penis, cos its pretty neat.
When i entered the chick, it felt quite.... "loose"
Also i couldnt keep the same rhythm i have when wanking (quite fast, i would say 3 repetition a sec). On top of it, i was using a condom, which made things even worse.
Well, at first i "thrusted" her for like 30 mins. I wasnt really feeling much. Then she said her fanny was aching, so i had to stop, and rub "it" around. Then she let me try again for like 10 more minutes, when i was, again, interruped by her pains. The last minutes she started doing a bj, then she got tired, and then she started wanking me when my condom blew. As i didnt want to make a mess on my friends bed, I call it the day and went away
Muslim might well be my favourite person in the world.
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 23:22   #19
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Exclamation Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Muslim: Use lube in future.
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 23:25   #20
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Well there seemed to be a complete lack of anything even vaguely resembling foreplay there, which might also present a problem for muslim in his sexual endeavours.
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 23:31   #21
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Exclamation Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Don't confuse him by introducing bizzare concepts like foreplay into the equation, Jonny.
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Unread 1 Jul 2004, 23:32   #22
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Bend her over and get going before she regains consciousness, that's my motto.
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 00:22   #23
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
When i entered the chick, it felt quite.... "loose"
That's a bad thing no matter which way you look at it.

EIther you've got a tiny penis or you're going with whores.

Or both.
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 01:02   #24
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
That's a bad thing no matter which way you look at it.

EIther you've got a tiny penis or you're going with whores.

Or both.
The chick I had sex with is about my height (6' 2) which is quite large for a female. She was also a bit overweight, which might lead to pussy enlargement*.
I was thinking innitially of having foreplays, considering she had bjbed me before all the sex, but when my hand entered the downstairs area, i was quite grossed out. Its so wet and mucky. Feels like an open bleeding laceration. At first I thought i should lick her, but i had a extremely quickly change of mind when my hand entered the pussy domain. I didnt want even to take a closer look at it, fearing being completely grossed out and passing out or something... So i just stabbed her with my fingers for a while and started thrusting with my penis...


The fact that she had to stop due to pain has a direct relation with the size of my penis, methinks. Ive known this chick for 6 months or so, im pretty sure that she would tell me the thruth no matter what....
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 01:07   #25
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
The chick I had sex with is about my height (6' 2) which is quite large for a female. She was also a bit overweight, which might lead to pussy enlargement*.
I was thinking innitially of having foreplays, considering she had bjbed me before all the sex, but when my hand entered the downstairs area, i was quite grossed out. Its so wet and mucky. Feels like an open bleeding laceration. At first I thought i should lick her, but i had a extremely quickly change of mind when my hand entered the pussy domain. I didnt want even to take a closer look at it, fearing being completely grossed out and passing out or something... So i just stabbed her with my fingers for a while and started thrusting with my penis...


The fact that she had to stop due to pain has a direct relation with the size of my penis, methinks. Ive known this chick for 6 months or so, im pretty sure that she would tell me the thruth no matter what....
lolling online

are you SURE you arent gay?

and just 'licking' with no idea what to actually do would have led to embarrasment methinks, trust me, i know

", i was quite grossed out. Its so wet and mucky. Feels like an open bleeding laceration"

that line is pure genius though, so i thought id quoute it twice, sex IS mucky, its designed that way...
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 01:09   #26
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

This thread is too full of actual LAUGH OUT LOUD lines to quote.

Points to note:
  • Smelly pubes indicates that you don't wash properly
  • Sue Johanssen is no Dr Ruth
  • You are not a sex god
  • Masturbating three times a week is not really all that regular
  • You'll never have sex again (with that girl)

You really should read some educational websites on how to be a (better) lover.

At least you can't get any worse.
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 01:13   #27
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
The chick I had sex with is about my height (6' 2) which is quite large for a female. She was also a bit overweight, which might lead to pussy enlargement*.
I was thinking innitially of having foreplays, considering she had bjbed me before all the sex, but when my hand entered the downstairs area, i was quite grossed out. Its so wet and mucky. Feels like an open bleeding laceration. At first I thought i should lick her, but i had a extremely quickly change of mind when my hand entered the pussy domain. I didnt want even to take a closer look at it, fearing being completely grossed out and passing out or something... So i just stabbed her with my fingers for a while and started thrusting with my penis...
Are you really sure that you actually like girls?

Quote:
The fact that she had to stop due to pain has a direct relation with the size of my penis, methinks. Ive known this chick for 6 months or so, im pretty sure that she would tell me the thruth no matter what....
From what you've just said, I'm pretty sure she's not in pain purely from you having a large penis. Remember, a woman's vagina is designed to accomodate a babies head passing through it, a penis is no problem.
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 01:16   #28
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
The chick I had sex with is about my height (6' 2) which is quite large for a female. She was also a bit overweight, which might lead to pussy enlargement*.
Christ, you sure can pick 'em.

Was she a female shotput champion by any chance?

edit : "The pussy domain"
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 02:08   #29
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Exclamation Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
When i entered the chick, it felt quite.... "loose"
Also i couldnt keep the same rhythm i have when wanking (quite fast, i would say 3 repetition a sec). On top of it, i was using a condom, which made things even worse.
Well, at first i "thrusted" her for like 30 mins. I wasnt really feeling much. Then she said her fanny was aching, so i had to stop, and rub "it" around. Then she let me try again for like 10 more minutes, when i was, again, interruped by her pains. The last minutes she started doing a bj, then she got tired, and then she started wanking me when my condom blew. As i didnt want to make a mess on my friends bed, I call it the day and went away
OK, for those keeping score we have:
Code:
(2 people X 50 minutes) / 0 orgasms =

Floating Point Exception

Don't ever change, Muslim.
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 03:00   #30
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Reading Muslim's posts are like the worst sexual experience you have ever had. AND HE IS PROUD OF IT !

Muslim for new forum comedy god (Sorry Zar)

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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 16:23   #31
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
Christ, you sure can pick 'em.

Was she a female shotput champion by any chance?

edit : "The pussy domain"
Quote:
No entry found for shotput.

Did you mean shootout?
Anyways, shes majoring in computer science...
And i wasnt particularly worried about the size of the girl I would have sex with, but the willingness to do it....



And yes, im pretty sure im not gay. I was pretty much horny, and when i touched downthere i went like "too much information, remove probing instruments and initiate penetration routines" And i quite enjoyed doing the whole stuff.
Plus the fact that you have a whole body, that isnt yours, to play with is certainly a lot of fun. And i am pretty sure ill have sex with her again. At least she mentioned it.
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 16:26   #32
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Tears are running down the side of my face.
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 16:27   #33
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Some Female Shotput Champion, from Google : http://www.soct.org/pics/Beth.JPG
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 16:34   #34
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

OK how does Muslim **** up and still get laid and yet when i do it i get ****ing nothing?
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 16:34   #35
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

lol
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 16:52   #36
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Cos you aren't trying to go with beasts?

(well, maybe)
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 17:38   #37
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Question Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
And i wasnt particularly worried about the size of the girl I would have sex with, but the willingness to do it....
What if it had been a really handsome fellow who propositioned you?
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Unread 2 Jul 2004, 18:26   #38
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dace
OK how does Muslim **** up and still get laid and yet when i do it i get ****ing nothing?
You have standards? (or one standard - they have to look female?)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marilyn Manson
What if it had been a really handsome fellow who propositioned you?
Could that fellow be you?
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 19:09   #39
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Exclamation Re: sue johanssen is a twat

I am a right-thinking person, therefore I do not want to enter into any sort of relationship with Muslim. So no, it would not be me.
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 19:18   #40
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

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Tears are running down the side of my face.
This thread is brilliant
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 19:22   #41
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

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Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
Cos you aren't trying to go with beasts?

(well, maybe)


That might be it.
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 20:42   #42
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
Well, at first i "thrusted" her for like 30 mins. I wasnt really feeling much. Then she said her fanny was aching, so i had to stop, and rub "it" around. Then she let me try again for like 10 more minutes, when i was, again, interruped by her pains. The last minutes she started doing a bj, then she got tired, and then she started wanking me when my condom blew. As i didnt want to make a mess on my friends bed, I call it the day and went away

Rofl!!! She probably got sore cause you'd been going so damn long she got bored and dry. Just thrusting around for half an hour is liable to bore any girl. I get sick of it if it goes on for more than about 5 minutes! Thrusting givens relatively little sensation for a girl, there arent actually many nerve endings on the 'inside' as it were. She probably wanted you to play with her clit to try to turn her on a bit again so it wouldnt be so damn uncomforatble having anything in there, regardless of size. Size makes little difference at the larger end, so long as the girl is suitably aroused. Youre not as big as a baby, for christs sake.

I feel sorry for that poor girl. You could at least have had the TV on for her to watch.
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 21:35   #43
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

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Originally Posted by Ebany
Rofl!!! She probably got sore cause you'd been going so damn long she got bored and dry. Just thrusting around for half an hour is liable to bore any girl. I get sick of it if it goes on for more than about 5 minutes! Thrusting givens relatively little sensation for a girl, there arent actually many nerve endings on the 'inside' as it were. She probably wanted you to play with her clit to try to turn her on a bit again so it wouldnt be so damn uncomforatble having anything in there, regardless of size. Size makes little difference at the larger end, so long as the girl is suitably aroused. Youre not as big as a baby, for christs sake.

I feel sorry for that poor girl. You could at least have had the TV on for her to watch.
you see she hadnt been penetradedfor like an year.... she had warned me before that it might happen... as it had happen in the past....
she isnt some random girl peeps. I had told her about my situation way before we started fooling around and she was more than helpfull and pleased to let me try it...

And you preference for quickies is unheard of. Most girls i know do take a lot of thrusting to orgasm and they pretty much enjoy to take their time....
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 21:38   #44
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Why was she loose if she hadn't had sex in a year?
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 21:40   #45
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Exclamation Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Because she weighed twenty-three stone.
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 21:43   #46
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante Hicks
Why was she loose if she hadn't had sex in a year?
it felt loose
it doesnt mean she actually is loose
many dudes ive spoken to about said their first times have a tendency to feel that...
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 21:44   #47
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

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Originally Posted by Marilyn Manson
Because she weighed twenty-three stone.
nope
it was more like 70-85 kg methinks
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 22:25   #48
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Morte
it felt loose
it doesnt mean she actually is loose
many dudes ive spoken to about said their first times have a tendency to feel that...


Or more likely you have a small nob lolerz
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 22:59   #49
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

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Originally Posted by Dace
Or more likely you have a small nob lolerz
this is so 2000
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Unread 3 Jul 2004, 23:04   #50
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Re: sue johanssen is a twat

if shes the kind of girl who will sleep with you 'to be helpful' or whatever it is you said, she probably is a slag to be fair. a year? yeah rite.
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