Agony Uncles - June Update

[Kurashima]

Yes folks , the wise and the wonderful have returned to bring into your life a little bit of help in situations where you just dont know where to turn.

This month , for some extra comedy effect , we took away DM's medication. As a result , his Yablonski syndrome is now in full effect. Hes even running down people in the street on his motorised Wheelchair. Fun Fun Fun.

And without further ado , heres this months problems and answers

==============================================

poshphil
Little Bitch

Registered: Jun 2001
Agony uncle question
here goes

I seem to very happy all the time, It seems to be unlike a lot of the people
here, I feel a lot of hate, and dissilusion, coming from a lot of the people
here. I feel left out. How could I be less happy and more like the majority
of people here?

Kurashima

Dear Phil

A lot of people feel quite happy with their lot in life. They dont moan, they dont gripe, they generally keep a sunny disposition throughout the course of the lives and never harm a soul. However, they still tend to die the same way as whiny , moany , grumpy , abusive or violent people. God is a **** like that. Develop a bit of mindless anger and hate in your life. Emotion is a rollercoaster, not a tram ride. Dont waste emotion by being dull.

Dead Meat

Dear poshphil
Happy little camper are we? Mummy's little angel? I bet Mummy asks what 'her little cherub' would like in his sandwiches every morning before she straps you into the car and drives you the 15 yards to school. Hell, I'd put money on the fact you get biscuits and Ovaltine before Mummy and Daddy tell you a story at bedtime and tuck you in with teddy.
Just to let you know that that lovely, creamy, sugary flavour in your Ovaltine comes directly from your Daddy's wee-pipe after Mummy tugs him off. Daddy likes to wear Mummy's underwear while this is going on and Mummy dresses up in a leather catsuit and whips him until he produces his 'special sauce' for your bedtime drinkie.
YOU'RE SO FULL OF CUM THE NHS WANT TO TAKE BLOOD SAMPLES TO USE IN FERTILITY TREATMENTS.

Jonny B Good

Watch Mtv. If you aren't bitter, hate-filled and disillusioned after that
there's something wrong with you. The fuller answer is to not wash, listen
to Avril Lavigne, pretend you understand things you've never heard about and
complain about everything no matter how small and dull it is, ie be gordon
ross.

Dace

LOL U R GHEY!

Aryn

Registered: Mar 2001
agony uncles
dear uncles, i would really really like to visit, and later move to England
but i can't afford it.. what are some good ways to make some money?
-Aryn

Kurashima
Dear Aryn

England is not the place for you. Rids lives there. Forego your money making plans and invest in a season ticket to see the leafs. We dont treat canadians with any respect whatsoever here. If you want proof , ask RobinXE.

Dead Meat
A. Dear Aryn.
Don't you think we already have enough people who 'really, really' want to visit?
For f*cks sake, you can barely move in the centre of London for hordes of bloody Japanese, swarming round the place like termites on a dead carcass. Don't even start on the crowds of American tourists, they're the reason our police force is so overstretched, we need several thousand coppers to answer all the banal questions like 'So, like, where's the Queen, maaaaaaaaan?' and 'I have a relative living in the Shetland Isles, you got her phone number, buddy?'
So, what this boils down to is that YOU may 'really, really' want to visit or live in England, but what the f*ck makes you think that England wants YOU?

Jonny B Good


Make shoe polish. Shoe polish. No really. I'm being totally honest here. Oh
fine make lesbian porn videos and sell them over the internet.

Dace

LOL U R GHEY!

Snurx
The REAL MrL

Registered: Apr 2002
Dear Uncle's
I have a big problem, and that is "smell". I always smell "repugnant", as
the "real people" say. I'm not really sure what they mean by that, but i
guess they mean that i "smell" bad.
I do not know what to do whit this problem, as the only response i get is
"get clean". I always thought clean was a fish, but i could not find it
anywhere. So then, i bought a salamon and used it (several times a day for a
few weeks) to rub of all the dirt i had on.
This did not help, and now im kinda desperate. I want to have "sex" whit
girls, (lots and lots of girls) but i do belive i need the fish called
"clean" first..Where can i get it?
(The reason i want sex is that i've seen porn movies, so i know everything
im supposed to do, like saying "suck on this, you filthy whore" and "lets
take it up the ass, you mongering bitch!")
Your's truly, Snurx

Kurashima

Dear Snurx

Have a bath you smelly bastard. When youve done so, and lost 1/2 your bodyweight through removing all the dirt, youll find your newfound figure will attract the girls like stink on **** .... though this time , not literally.

Dead Meat

Dear Snurx
Smell is relative and, let's face it, compared with the drivel that pours incessantly from every orifice in your god-forsaken body, it would appear to me that the very last of your worries is some sort of odour issue.
Besides, aren't you supposed to be some sort of anarchist? I'd have thought the anarchy-chicks would be crawling all over you if you smell like the inside of Trotsky's trousers, and he's been dead for a hundred years or something, so I doubt he's exactly lemon-fresh.
Which brings me to my last point. I'm not a big fan of the apostrophe, it brings into my mind a series of horrible sequences with C-rate actors on daytime TV, waving their hands about and twitching their fingers like a spastic epileptic. So, when I saw your appeal for help, I was tempted to help and actually reply with something other than vitriol and hate. BUT, since your letter was as riddled with the damn things as a sailor's asscrack in Portsmouth is riddled with DarkJedi's semen, I refuse point blank to help, other than the sarcasm above.

Jonny B Good

Dear Snurx,

1) Clean is not a fish.
2) You could wash fifty times a week and you'd still be a sad internet geek
with less chance of getting a girl than dale winton.
3) Porn movies lie, girls want your heart, soul, mind and most importantly
credit card before you get to do the deed.
4) There is no 4. However on an abstract metaphysical level I feel this 4
represents an important step towards understanding the quintessentially
existentialist behavioural patterns of woman as an entity unto itself. If
you can talk like that women fall into your lap. Seriously! Just look at
nodrog. Actually best not look at him during day-time, I hear your eyes fall
out.

Dace

LOL U R GHEY!

Bloomers III
Deputy Head Prefect

Registered: Jul 2002
gay uncle
Hi Fags

Recently I have noticed that when I sit down I cross my legs like a sissy
girl and my wrist gets limp. What's happening to me?

Mr X

Kurashima

Dear Bloomers
Your attempts to reinvent yourself as a super-cool rapping type by recording MP3's where you shout "Bo" a lot cannot detract from the fact you have a village people moustache and wear far too much leather, even on a sunny day. Give up trying to convince people youre straight , and start emailing pics of yourself , advising youre a young man and over 6'0 tall to Yahwe. The limp wrist does not go away, its sub conscious. Crossing your legs is your conscious method of stopping you running c0ck first at every man in the room.

Dead Meat

Dear Bloomers*
What's with the recently crap?



* When I say Dear, this is no way means I like, respect, fancy, or, god forbid, ever want to have sex with you, you goddamn homo.

Jonny B Good

Dear bloomers,


You are a raging homosexual faggot of a queer loving ass-pirating gay with a
penchant for young boys. Be a man. Go get someone to kick you in the nuts
and take up some sport which causes physical pain for gods sake.


Dace

LOL U R GHEY!

Cmdr_Cyrax
New Marvel Superhero



Registered: Apr 2000
Agony Uncle
Dear Agony Uncles,

Since changing my connection to broadband (which the entire household
shares), I have become quite addicted to various filesharing programs which
I now have running 24/7.

My brother is constantly moaning about his ping of 500+ on counter-strike
due to these afore mentioned programs. Should I be at all concerned about my
blatently illegal activities or should I tell my bro and the government to
stfu?

Cyrax

Kurashima

Dear Cyrax
This forum does not promote the use of filesharing software in any way shape or form, as such a thing would be Illegal. But if you can get me a DivX rip of X-Men 2 , Bruce Almighty and Fast & The Furious 2 , ill pay you £5 a Film. Tell your brother that if he doesnt shut up, youll make your sister practice her Ju-Jitsu on him. And everyone tells the government to STFU , they just dont listen.

Dead Meat

Dear Ctrax
The only way I'm even going to consider giving you advice is after you hand over the negatives of those piccies you took of your sister. You know the ones, you dirty little bastard and if you're not quick, so will Jenny.

Jonny B Good

Dear Cyrax,

No. Stealing is good practice for later life when you will be a dishonest
money-grubbing imperialist exploiter of the working classes. As for your
actual question regarding your ability to download gay porn I can safely say
that you'll have as much of it as you want.


Dace

LOL U R GHEY!

Phang
hehehe...JBOY



Registered: Sep 2002
Agony Uncle thing
It has occurred to me that when looked at from the side, my ears make me
look like an elf. The question: SHOULD I POST PICS?

Kurashima

Dear Phang
No , do not post pics. You will end up on SA in a Cliff Yablonski page, like Jenny did. Wear a crash helmet everywhere you go till youve got enough money for Plastic surgery to get your lugholes pinned back. Alternatively , go on the lookalike circus in a green outfit with a bow and tell everyone youre Legolas.

Dead Meat

Dear PHang
Since I care about seeing pictures of some ugly, retarded, dwarf-boy with big ears as I care about Kura losing his sheep virginity, you can do what you like.
If you hadn't noticed, the idea behind this is to help real people with real problems, not to answer pointless questions from some fat-arsed, Dumbo-eared juvenile whose sole expedition into the outside world is getting out three times a week to pick up fresh supplies of butter.


Jonny B Good


No you shouldn't. Anything that keeps idiots in any form off the internet is
good. On a positive note you could always get your ears cut off.


Dace

LOL U R GHEY!

Adrift



Registered: Sep 2000
dear uncle Kurashima
I have a friend who needs help.

He is confused about his sexuality and has confessed a great love of David
Dickinson.

What should he do?

Kurashima

Dear Adrift
Theres nothing wrong with liking David Dickinson in a "Hes a diamond geezer , wot a fake tan , cheap as chips" kinda way. However if your friend has thoughts on old Mahogany Chops himself , then castrate him with a spoon at the earliest possible opportunity. Just in case he ever decides to breed.

Dead Meat

Dear Freakozoid
Since you asked Kura about this problem, I'll be f*cked if I'm going to answer this and have some muppet out there think I'm Kura. The only piece of advice I might put forward is taking David Dickinson and shoving his head into a tree-shredder, as that'll solve your so-called friends problem and rid the world of the smiling little sheit.

Jonny B Good

Dear Freaky,

Back in my day we'd burn him at the stake. Unfortunately that's not so PC
anymore. So just tie him down and inject him with something deadly.


Dace

LOL U R GHEY!

pablissimo
Kojak



Registered: Apr 2000
Hi yeah
so... just in case I'm ever in a fight with Danny De Vito, is there any
strategy you could suggest to, you know, **** his **** up?

I like to be prepared, you know?

Kurashima

Dear Pabs
Tell him youre a scouser. He will run to his car and drive off to stop you nicking his hubcaps. You win. Flawless Victory.

Dead Meat


Dear Pablissimo
"**** his **** up?" Last time I heard, whoever you fight, whether it's the diminutive De Vito or that big bloke that was in that Bond film once, might I suggest that to try and Fill his Arse up in a fight situation might be;
a) Difficult
b) Dangerous
c) In some countries, illegal.

Jonny B Good


Dear pablissimo,

First cover your face in a paper bag. When you see him jump at him and throw
off the paper bag. If he doesn't scream like a little girl and run I
guarantee you your money back.


Dace

LOL U R GHEY!

pablissimo
Kojak



Registered: Apr 2000
Dr Agny Uncls
i fink i gotta prblm cos, lol, u see, there wuz this grrrrrl and i w4s
totally liek



quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yo, a/s/l?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



& she ws all


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yo, 19,f,mchster
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



nd i ws


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
woah w4nn4 cyb0r
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



and she wer all


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sure
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



so neway we mt up @ my h00se n turns out shes liek totally a man wif hair n
manbits n stuff

so he's in teh baffroom now n only my lft hands free to type cos he ti3d me
up heh so whut shud i do?

l8r,
bob

Kurashima

Dear Pabs
Your left hand is free. You may as well use it to wank yourself unconscious , because god knows whats coming next is going to be distinctly unpleasant. Send Elle the pics , she likes that kind of thing.

Dead Meat

Dear Pablissiom
Firstly: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH.
Secondly: This is what you get for trying to find women on the Interweb. It is a commonly known fact that there a NO women on the Intranetweb, this fact has been proved by the latest pics I saw of Jenny, given a couple of years, she really WILL be a 38 year old plumber from Birmingham, just as I said she was 3 years ago...

Jonny B Good

Dear bob,

As they say in prison "bend over". I'm not touching this situation with a
fifty foot clown pole. On an unofficial level I advise hurling yourself out
the nearest window before he comes back.



PS This is three days late so I'd dare say your arse is pretty sore by now.

Dace

LOL U R GHEY!

pablissimo
Kojak



Registered: Apr 2000
Dear Agony Uncles
There was **** this thread before **** that BOLLOCKS BASTARD said literary
Tourette's ARSE didn't really exist BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD!

Any ****ing idea **** ****BADGER why I ****E can't stop typing swear TORZ
words?

Cheers in advance ****HOUSES ****ING ****

**** **** BASTARD ****

Kurashima
Dear Pabs
Swearing is not big and its not clever. Kinda like Jamie Oliver , but less mockney. Simply bear in mind that nothing said on here is ever true, especially if its said by Nod or Jakiri.

Dead Meat

Dear Pablissimo
Whatever you have, it isn't Literary Tourettes Syndrome. You're about as literate as your average carrot. What you appear to have is a simple case of 'twat'.

Jonny B Good

Dear pab,


It's a simple situation called internet attention whoritis. If you look
around you on GD you'll see some prime examples. I recommend staying off the
internet, getting a vague semblance of a social life and for you to stop
sending such dire questions. We told Graham Norton we couldn't help him and
I'm telling you there is nothing we can do to help your underlying problems.

Dace

LOL U R GHEY!

===============================================

Thats concludes our advice for this session. Please feel free to continue to ask of us advice on those hard to reach decisions. DM in particular is starting to enjoy this.

Kura

[roadrunner_0]

lol
sorry, just
lol

[pablissimo]

More amusing than I expected.

[HobbieRogue4]

Daed_maet maeks me feel all warm inside!

[Dead_Meat]

Originally posted by HobbieRogue4
Daed_maet maeks me feel all warm inside!

It's Dead_Meat you saggy arsed cretin.

[LHC]

Very good. Better than the first one.

[pablissimo]

DM was indeed 'the funny'.

Full of bitterness and hatred.

[Aryn]

DM is MEAN!

[Dookie Velvet]

Where is the first one?

I can't find it, FS.

[Kurashima]

Originally posted by Dookie Velvet
Where is the first one?

I can't find it, FS.

Gone.

Fortunately , i saved the contents on my hard drive, but thats solely for my own entertainment.

I did however give everyone 48 hours notice it was going, and anyone who failed to save it for posterity can kiss my posterity.

DM = Yablonski. I swear it!

[MrL_JaKiri]

I think Dacebot is stuck.

[Cmdr_Cyrax]

I think DM is onto his last few breaths. How difficult is it to spell Cyrax?

[Kurashima]

Originally posted by MrL_JaKiri
I think Dacebot is stuck.

If i told you he sent me the responses to those questions , and he genuinely to the time to write "LOL U R GHEY" in Bold lettering , would you believe it?

[MrL_JaKiri]

Originally posted by Kurashima
If i told you he sent me the responses to those questions , and he genuinely to the time to write "LOL U R GHEY" in Bold lettering , would you believe it?

The worrying thing is I would.

[poshphil]

[Radical Edward]

I can't be bothered scrolling about because of Dead Meat's HAHAHAHAHAHAHA bit. it's really irritating.

[Dead_Meat]

Originally posted by Radical Edward
I can't be bothered scrolling about because of Dead Meat's HAHAHAHAHAHAHA bit. it's really irritating.

Fixed it for you.

[roadrunner_0]

Originally posted by Dead_Meat
Fixed it for you.

see, he is nice sometimes

[Tietäjä]

I'm already waiting for a July update.

[Cmdr_Cyrax]

Originally posted by roadrunner_0
see, he is nice sometimes

Germany has launched the world into war sometimes.

[Androme]

lol

[Kurashima]

Originally posted by Tietäjä
I'm already waiting for a July update.

Then send us questions. The inbox is looking a bit bulky just now , but the more the merrier.


We will answer all queries at one point or another. If we have too many for 1 month , i think we will be able to produce 2 Agony Uncle threads for the month.

[JonnyBGood]

Originally posted by Kurashima
Then send us questions. The inbox is looking a bit bulky just now , but the more the merrier.


We will answer all queries at one point or another. If we have too many for 1 month , i think we will be able to produce 2 Agony Uncle threads for the month.

And then maybe we can pay jonny!

[pablissimo]

Originally posted by JonnyBGood
And then maybe we can pay jonny!

Not-particularly-funny 'pay-to-mod' concept here.

[JonnyBGood]

Originally posted by pablissimo
Not-particularly-funny 'pay-to-mod' concept here.

I had an interesting conversation with JJ a while back where he offered to ban certain posters in exchange for money!

[pablissimo]

Originally posted by JonnyBGood
I had an interesting conversation with JJ a while back where he offered to ban certain posters in exchange for money!

I bet I wasn't one of them, and that makes me feel unspecial.

[Kurashima]

Originally posted by JonnyBGood
I had an interesting conversation with JJ a while back where he offered to ban certain posters in exchange for money!

I have offered Mods money to ban previously.

This was before i started modding. But i never get any cash offers

[JonnyBGood]

Originally posted by Kurashima
I have offered Mods money to ban previously.

This was before i started modding. But i never get any cash offers

We could ban nod and receive some generous gifts after the deed. Always a good option I think!

[Snurx]

Ace! Can't wait untill the next

[the dying puppy]

I don't get it. Why noone answered my question?

[Radical Edward]

Originally posted by Dead_Meat
Fixed it for you.

you're a lovely bunny, thankyou

[Dace]

Originally posted by Kurashima
If i told you he sent me the responses to those questions , and he genuinely to the time to write "LOL U R GHEY" in Bold lettering , would you believe it?

I wouldn't (i wrote 'DONT BE GAY' as my response you Bitch).

[Kurashima]

Originally posted by Dace
I wouldn't (i wrote 'DONT BE GAY' as my response you Bitch).

I played on peoples opinions of you to create a NEAR PERFECT LIE!

[roadrunner_0]

and we all believed you damn you and your lies kura, damn you all to hell

[pablissimo]

Kura's version of the truth was, amazingly, more amusing than Dace's.

Get it sorted, lads.

[Kurashima]

Agony Uncles are currently seeking a few extra questions for the next session.

Come on ladies and gentlemen. Its not like you dont have real life problems. I mean , why else would you be here?

[pablissimo]

Originally posted by Kurashima
Agony Uncles are currently seeking a few extra questions for the next session.

Come on ladies and gentlemen. Its not like you dont have real life problems. I mean , why else would you be here?

My 'comedy' 'options' were something'd last time so no comedy for you

Something'd is 'a valid word in the context given'. I just can't think what it is.

[Kurashima]

Originally posted by pablissimo
My 'comedy' 'options' were Answered last time so no comedy for you

'Answered' is a valid word in the context given'. I just can't think what it is.

PABS IS BECOMING DULL PEOPLE. QUICK. GET IN WHILST HES STILL DELIVERING THOSE COMEDY GOLD MOMENTS. BEFORE THE ONSET OF NODROGITIS.

[pablissimo]

Originally posted by Kurashima
PABS IS BECOMING DULL PEOPLE. QUICK. GET IN WHILST HES STILL DELIVERING THOSE COMEDY GOLD MOMENTS. BEFORE THE ONSET OF NODROGITIS.

Idi said I was funny.

Well. Funnier than some GD people at the specific time of the comment.

I Love Idi.

[Kurashima]

Originally posted by pablissimo
Idi said I was funny.

Well. Funnier than some GD people at the specific time of the comment.

I Love Idi.

Idi-who?

[pablissimo]

Originally posted by Kurashima
Idi-who?

TROLLED YOUR STAR!

[Kurashima]

Originally posted by pablissimo
TROLLED YOUR STAR!

He whined for ages until i made the comic. To be fair , he had every right , but the thing was , he stopped being funny after he won, so i had no material to make the comic with.

Eventually , i had to include JBOY just for "Star Power"

[pablissimo]

Originally posted by Kurashima
He whined for ages until i made the comic. To be fair , he had every right , but the thing was , he stopped being funny after he won, so i had no material to make the comic with.

Eventually , i had to include JBOY just for "Star Power"

I'd suggest using DM for one but chances are he'd die before it was finished, what with being old and all!

[Kurashima]

Originally posted by pablissimo
I'd suggest using DM for one but chances are he'd die before it was finished, what with being old and all!

Theres a few new ones in the pipeline ...... im being pressured to create again.

[Kurashima]

New Agony Uncles column coming sometime in the next 7 days. Just waiting on a certain mod to be online again for more than 30 seconds!

Agony uncles should get paid a lot for the pain the endure

[Dead_Meat]

Originally posted by Kurashima
New Agony Uncles column coming sometime in the next 7 days. Just waiting on a certain mod to be online again for more than 30 seconds!

I'm always online fatty, being online does not necessarily mean being on iRC.

[Kurashima]

Originally posted by Dead_Meat
I'm always online fatty, being online does not necessarily mean being on iRC.

4 days to respond to a text message baldy! 4 ****ING DAYS!

And i think your email is broken. It keeps bouncing back to me. Provide me a new and working one ASAP

[Dead_Meat]

4 DAYS, ALL OF WHICH I HAVE SPENT OUTSIDE AN AREA COVERED BY GSM, THUS, NO TEXT.

I flippin well wish the email was knacked, but work keeps getting through....bugger. Alternative PM'd.

[Phang]

hay dudes this is more than 7 days