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26 May 2003, 01:36
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#1
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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ITTWD - The best comedy lines ever
"Seaside Candyfloss , its gets everywhere. Its like having oral sex with the Pink Panther"
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 01:51
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#2
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First Disciple of Aldur
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: The Vale of Aldur
Posts: 1,470
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"Has anyone ever told you that you are a disgusting, pus-filled bubo who has all the wit, charm and self-possession of an Alsatian dog after a head-swap operation?"
__________________
Yeah.
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26 May 2003, 02:03
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#3
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I
got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had
been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had
been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that
bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em
apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four
million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more!
He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you
hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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26 May 2003, 02:11
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#4
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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P surely, if that's Palin and Cleese :\
ps.
Brannigan: So, a plan to assassinate a weird looking alien with scissiors...
Leela: What?
B: But you forgot one thing. Rock crushes scissors! But... Paper covers rock... and scissors cuts paper! Kif, we have a conundrum.
Kif: Euuurh
B: Search them for paper. And bring me a rock.
K: Why?
(It only really works with the voices, they're perfect)
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26 May 2003, 02:12
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#5
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First Disciple of Aldur
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: The Vale of Aldur
Posts: 1,470
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"Thank you, George, but if you don't mind, I'd rather have my tongue beaten wafer-thin by a steak tenderiser and then stapled to the floor with a croquet hoop."
__________________
Yeah.
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26 May 2003, 02:13
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#6
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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And now to place it on the editors desk... this will take a portion of my cunning. No. NO! ALL my cunning.
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26 May 2003, 02:45
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#7
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Quote:
Originally posted by MrL_JaKiri
And now to place it on the editors desk... this will take a portion of my cunning. No. NO! ALL my cunning.
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Is it as cunning as a fox what was made professor of cunning at Oxford University but has now moved on to better things and currently heads the commission of cunning at the UN?
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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26 May 2003, 03:04
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#8
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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(peter breaks into the cockpit)
Pilot: WHO ARE YOU? You're not a pilot! I know every pilot in the world!
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26 May 2003, 03:09
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#9
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Excuse me, is your refridgerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually.
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26 May 2003, 03:18
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#10
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Peter: Wait just a minute... something's different.
(Peter's bar has been replaced by a 'british pub'. They walk in to find people drinking wine and tea, wearing bowler hats and reading books.)
Barman: Evening gents! How about a nice warm lager?
Englishman One: And help youself to a packet of crisps.
Englishman Two: Or a ruddy nice plum pudding?
Peter: Holy crap! It's a gay bar!
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26 May 2003, 03:20
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#11
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a new low in getting high
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,810
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Anything Groucho Marx said, ever.
__________________
There’s trouble on every corner,
And you need a place to hide,
All the bad things follow us down,
I want you by my side.
We’re hitting a new low.
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26 May 2003, 03:22
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#12
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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<Moriarty> So Neddy , are you going to tell me about those top secret plans
<Seagoon> Good god. How did you know about that. Are you a spy.
<Moriarty> Yes
<Seagoon> Then why are you wearing A packet of mints?
<Mortiarty> Isnt it obvious? Im a Mint Spy.
<Seagoon> And a merry christmas to you too sir.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 03:25
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#13
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Hermes: Please welcome our new chief executive officer, 'That Guy'.
Fry: Yay! WOOOO!
That Guy: Lets cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people. Sheep, and sharks. Anyone who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?
Zoidberg: Excuse me, but which one the one that people like to hug?
TG: Gutsy question. You're a shark. Sharks are winners, and they don't look back. Cos they don't have necks. Necks are for sheep.
I am proud to be the shepherd of this herd of sharks, and I am going to lead you to the top in this industry of... of...
F (whispering): Package delivery
TG: PACKAGE DELIVERY? Oh god... fantastic! Now, the first order of business is to blame everything on the guy before me. Professor?
P. Farnsworth: I'll ruin you like I ruined this company!
TG: Terrific. Question number one. What was your overall business plan?
PF: Eee, um, business plan, yes. I keep it here right next to my heart (looks in draw).
TG: Wait a minute. This isn't a business plan. It's an escape plan!
PF: So long suckers! Bwahahahhehehe
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26 May 2003, 03:27
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#14
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Henry: A civil servant, Minnie
Minnie: Hit him! Hit him!
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26 May 2003, 03:28
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#15
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 03:29
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#16
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 03:31
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#17
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 03:32
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#18
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 03:33
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#19
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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26 May 2003, 03:35
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#20
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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26 May 2003, 03:36
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#21
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 03:37
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#22
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Sellerstastic!
ps
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
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26 May 2003, 03:39
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#23
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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<Seagoon>Good God , Theyre pointing a machine gun at us
<Moriarty> How rude. Pretend we havent seen them
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
|
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26 May 2003, 03:39
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#24
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a new low in getting high
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,810
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Quote:
Originally posted by Kurashima
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
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I love you.
__________________
There’s trouble on every corner,
And you need a place to hide,
All the bad things follow us down,
I want you by my side.
We’re hitting a new low.
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26 May 2003, 03:41
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#25
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 03:42
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#26
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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When the media ask him [George W. Bush] a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 03:43
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#27
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 03:44
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#28
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
|
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26 May 2003, 03:45
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#29
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a new low in getting high
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,810
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Chico: Can't catch 'im.
Hammer: Who is he?
Chico: Atsa my partner, but he no speak.
Hammer: Oh, that's your silent partner
Chico: I no gotta no money.
Hammer: You gotta no money?
Chico: I no gotta one cent.
Hammer: How you gonna pay for your room?
Chico: That'sa your lookout.
Hammer: Oh...You're just an idle roomer.
Hammer: (pause) Well, we'll Passover that...You're a peach, boy. Now, here is a little peninsula, and, eh, here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico: Why a duck?
Hammer: I'm alright, how are you? I say, here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico: Alright, why a duck?
Hammer: (pause) I'm not playing "Ask Me Another," I say that's a viaduct.
Chico: Alright! Why a duck? Why that...why a duck? Why a no chicken?
Hammer: Well, I don't know why a no chicken; I'm a stranger here myself. All I know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken and you'll find out why a duck.
Chico: When I go someplace I just...
Hammer: (interrupts) It's...It's deep water, that's why a duck. It's deep water.
Chico: That's why a duck...
Hammer: Look...look, suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to that stream and you wanted to ford over...You couldn't make it, it's too deep!
Chico: Well, why do you want with a Ford if you gotta horse?
Hammer: Well, I'm sorry the matter ever came up. All I know is that it's a viaduct.
Chico: Now look, alright, I catch ona why a horse, why a chicken, why a this, why a that...I no catch ona why a duck.
Hammer: I was only fooling...I was only fooling. They're gonna build a tunnel there in the morning. Now is that clear to you?
Chico: Yes, everything excepta why a duck.
The why a duck scene is COMEDY GOLD.
__________________
There’s trouble on every corner,
And you need a place to hide,
All the bad things follow us down,
I want you by my side.
We’re hitting a new low.
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26 May 2003, 03:47
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#30
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Mike: I had to dress up as an old israeli woman once.
Tim: Why'd you do that?
Mike: Well, I didn't HAVE to.
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26 May 2003, 03:48
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#31
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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<moriarty> According to British Intelligence , the 3rd of April is only 3 days away
<Seagoon> Good God. How do they get such accurate Information.
<Moriarty> They captured a German calendar Alive.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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26 May 2003, 03:49
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#32
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Fry, you remind me of a young me. Not too much younger of course, maybe even a couple of years older.
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26 May 2003, 03:51
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#33
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Mildred: Killed? In an atomic blast? No sir. I don't take much solace in the fact that the implosion trigger functioned perfectly.
Fry: There there. If it makes you feel any better, his body was vapourised so there's no chance of him coming back as a zombie.
M: I'm not worried about that.
F: Then you're a braver woman than I.
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26 May 2003, 03:52
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#34
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a new low in getting high
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,810
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Firefly: (Pontificating) My friends...This case moves me deeply. Look at Chicolini...He sits there alone...An abject figure.
Chicolini: I abject!
Prosecutor: Chicolini, you're charged with high treason. And if found guilty, you'll be shot.
Chicolini: I object.
Prosecutor: Oh, you object! On what grounds?
Chicolini: I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Firefly: (Bangs gavel) Objection sustained.
Prosecutor: Your Excellency! You sustained the objection?
Firefly: Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say either! Why don't you object?
__________________
There’s trouble on every corner,
And you need a place to hide,
All the bad things follow us down,
I want you by my side.
We’re hitting a new low.
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26 May 2003, 03:54
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#35
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Army Guy: Mr President, our experts have reassembled the parts from the alien ship into its original design.
Truman: Whistling dixie! I want this sent to Area 51 for study!
AG: But sir! That's where we're building the fake moon landing site!
T: Then we'll have to really land on the moon! Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies!
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26 May 2003, 03:54
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#36
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Are you nearly finished yet? Only I'm beginning to understand why Stephen Fry ****ed off.
(Or words to that effect)
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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26 May 2003, 03:56
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#37
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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Quote:
Originally posted by Gayle29uk
Are you nearly finished yet? Only I'm beginning to understand why Stephen Fry ****ed off.
(Or words to that effect)
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I have that video!
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
|
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|
26 May 2003, 03:56
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#38
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Truman: If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed! If you're here to make war, we surrender.
Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people.
Truman: Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien/human hybrid?
Zoidberg: Are you coming onto me?
Truman: Hot cracker! I take exception to that!
Zoidberg: I'm not hearing a no...
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26 May 2003, 03:58
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#39
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Quote:
Originally posted by Kurashima
I have that video!
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Which one's that? I can remember it, but not where it's from...
HIGNFY Best of if memory serves.
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26 May 2003, 03:58
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#40
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Dear god, I forgot about Withnail and I.
'Monty you terrible c*nt!'
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26 May 2003, 03:59
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#41
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Quote:
Originally posted by Kurashima
I have that video!
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Possibly the only thing in it I found amusing but oh how I laughed at that one line, it was utter perfection
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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26 May 2003, 03:59
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#42
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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Quote:
Originally posted by MrL_JaKiri
Which one's that? I can remember it, but not where it's from...
HIGNFY Best of if memory serves.
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One of the Bottoms.
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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26 May 2003, 04:01
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#43
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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Its from the Bottom 2 stage show.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
|
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26 May 2003, 04:03
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#44
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Ah yes, that's it.
As twas said, the only funny thing on there.
No wonder I couldn't remember.
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26 May 2003, 04:03
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#45
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a new low in getting high
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,810
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Here's to our wives and girlfriends... May they never meet.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Chico: "The garbage man is here."
Groucho: "Well, tell him we don't want any."
Groucho: "We took some pictures of the native girls but they weren't developed. But we're going back again in a couple of weeks!"
Groucho: "You have ten children?"
Contestant on the show: "Yes, I love my husband very much."
Groucho: "Well, I love my sigar too, but I take it out once in a while."
Reporter: "What do you think of Nixon moving to your neigborhood?"
Groucho: "I'd rather have him living here than in the White House."
Reporter: "Why are you so big all over again?"
Groucho: "I'm only five-seven."
Reporter: "Do you enjoy being called a living legend?"
Groucho: "Yes."
Reporter: "Why?"
Groucho: "Because I'm dead."
Rip: "How do you do Groucho. My name is Rip Taylor."
Groucho: "That's your hard luck. What do you do?"
Rip: "I'm a comedian."
Groucho: "Well, you haven't said anything funny yet."
Rip: "Well, I open my act by coming out onstage in a robe that's covered with long silver tinsel
and I say, 'Looks like they shot the Christmas tree !'"
Groucho: "And then what? You go home?"
__________________
There’s trouble on every corner,
And you need a place to hide,
All the bad things follow us down,
I want you by my side.
We’re hitting a new low.
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26 May 2003, 04:09
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#46
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Dougal: You remember that film ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head is transplanted onto the man?
Ted: Oh yes, what was that called?
Dougal: Out of Africa I think.
in the same vein...
Daisy: I was thinking we could do that thing, you know in that film with Andy McDowell and Gerard Depardieu, you know, where they get married so she can keep her house and he can get a, you know, an american work permit.
Tim: What a green card?
Daisy: Yeh. What's it called?
Tim: I dunno.
oh, and
Homer: I saw this once in a film about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping it's SPEED above 50, because if it's SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called 'The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down'.
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26 May 2003, 04:12
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#47
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Bitch
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,848
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No quote, just a link to 60 minutes of hilarity in the form of Between Iraq and a Hard Place
Transcript is here, there are too many hilarious moments to pick one
__________________
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch
das blinkenlights!!!
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26 May 2003, 05:08
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#48
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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27 May 2003, 12:14
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#49
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Cultured
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: ESS The Darker The Night The Brighter The Star
Posts: 637
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I told u i was hardcore
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27 May 2003, 12:18
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#50
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Next goal wins!
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: London
Posts: 5,406
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the tony of plymouth sketch from a bit of fry and laurie
someone! find it!
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bastard bastard bastard bastard
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