Today, I became a manager

[Dead_Meat]

The days of fun are over. The ways of running around doing basically whatever the fk I liked are over.

I today got my first email from a guy who will now work for me. I can't express the horror this brought upon me. I'll have to goddamn well APPRAISE him ffs. Holy shit.

Anyway, now I've got the little bastard, I need suggestions as to how I can make his life as much of a misery as when I first started.

Any suggestions along the lines of ;
'Make him build pyramids, like you had to'
'Draw lines in the deserts in Peru'
'Receive the ten commandments from God on Mt Sinai (or wherever the fk it was)'

will be treated with disdain.

[Madina]

constant put-downs and disapproval of whatever he does would be a good start

[Dead_Meat]

I've been practising

'Why can't you understand this stuff, you short-arsed, short-sighted little hispanic ****?'

It's a start...

[Madina]

start as you mean to go on etc.

[Ragnarak]

"They never used to do it like that in my day"

"Kids these days, no respect for authority"

Just a constant wave of subtle disapproval should work fine.

[MrL_JaKiri]

Give him orders subtley different from what you actually want done, so you can always mark him low so he'll never surpass you on the corporate ramp.

[ChubbyChecker]

Make out as if you used to be an officer in the army.

Test him by for example saying "So, you can write a piece of source code in under five minutes? Well, let's see how fast you are.... under enemy fire!!!"

Then start shooting into the air randomly with your pistol.

Then make him do twenty push ups while he's bawling like a baby.

[Stew]

ask him to go get 'a long weight (wait)', or a tub of 'elbow grease'.
You kno the things I mean, that should piss him off, then u can moan at hom for bein downbeat about his job!

[pyirt]

Make him do endless errands, like running down to the shops and getting you 20 fags.

[sayonara]

Manager huh?

Guess you'll be on here more often then :-p

[ChubbyChecker]

Tell him you didn't know they piled shit that high in Texas (or wherever he's from).

[Tomkat]

Put on some music and dance like Ricky Gervais in The Office.

Sound effects too.

[Dace]

Originally Posted by Dead_Meat

I'll have to goddamn well APPRAISE him ffs.

Is that slang for "**** him in the ass"?

[Dead_Meat]

Appraise means actually thinking about his performance, suggesting improvements and the potential gaps in knowledge and need for training.

The whole thing makes my brain bleed.

I guess if I sack him before the end of the year, I won't have to do it, which may be the perfect solution !!

[skiddy]

Make him try and survive an ice age.

[Edit]
Not now though, not tomorrow either.

The day after will do nicely.

[Dante Hicks]

Bah, appraisals and stuff are easy to do. A week before hand, just ask him to e-mail you what he considers to be 10 successes for the year, and 5 failures (or similar).

Then you can simply go through them during the appraisal (bulked out with meaningless management phrases) and nodding wistfully.

[roadrunner_0]

i get an appraisal every year, so far, not one thing from any of my appraisals has been acted upon
i hate my boses

[bacon roll]

Originally Posted by Dead_Meat

I've been practising

'Why can't you understand this stuff, you short-arsed, short-sighted little hispanic ****?'

It's a start...

Could result in you having a little "chat" with your company's HR department.

[Dead_Meat]

Our company's HR director was described by my mother (after she saw the initial offer letter for me to move to the US, she used to be VP of HR at a 5,000+ people company) as

"This woman has no comprehension of what consists of HR responsibilities, and basically, has no idea of what she's doing"

Every person that's been laid off in the last three years has sued the company for improper procedure when informed of their redundancy. 95% of them have won the lawsuit.

GO HR DEPARTMENT, YOU USELESS SACK OF SHIT, AND FOR HEAVENS SAKE WOMAN, YOU'RE 48, STOP WEARING SHORT LITTLE SKIRTS, YOU LOOK LIEK A HAGGARD OLD TART.

[Nodrog]

personager is the politically correct term.

[bacon roll]

You can say what you want presuming no on else hears. That way what can they do!

Originally Posted by Dead_Meat

Every person that's been laid off in the last three years has sued the company for improper procedure when informed of their redundancy. 95% of them have won the lawsuit.

Holy shit how has she not been sacked! Incompetency incarnated if you sack someone you do it so they can't touch you. Tbh you would have to be pretty dumb to ever get sacked, people should realise you can still hand your notice in evan if they are stil handing over your p45.

[Kurashima]

"Jose , ive been looking at your CV, and i think theres a few gaps in your knowledge base id like to work on in the next year.

• Firstly , Sting was talking bollocks. I do drink Coffee , not tea , so stop bringing me Earl Grey in the morning and get me a ****ing decent Cappuccino.
• I do not like my toast done on one side. I dont even eat toast. Or Cereal. Bring me a ****ing Bagel with cream cheese and salmon. Twunt.
• You do NOT refer to me as Richard , Rick , Mr Tier , or Dickie. Its Boss , and nothing else. Any other words spoken will be replied with a doc marten wedged around your Julio Iglesias. Comprende?
• If i EVER catch you singing Julio or Enrique tunes, ill make it my mission in life to see you transferred to Canada. This also applies to Show Tunes and anything i dont like. I wont give you a list of what i dont like. your first hint will be when i punch you, hard, in the face.

[Marilyn Manson]

Managers usually useless, interfering, over-promoted goits who usually know bugger-all about the subject they are supposed to be 'managing', and are purely the botched result of the obsession with 'efficency in the workplace.' taken to the extreme.

Of course, I'm sure none of that applies to you, Meaty.

[Evergreen]

If he's straight, make him feel insecure by suggesting that the heirachy engages in anal sex as a form of appraisal.

[Dace]

Originally Posted by Evergreen

If he's straight, make him feel insecure by suggesting that the heirachy engages in anal sex as a form of appraisal.

I already did that "joke" in this thread.

[JammyJim]

for a small fee i can sell you a 360 degree appraisal program.


theyre all the rage atm.

[Evergreen]

Originally Posted by Dace

I already did that "joke" in this thread.

No you didn't, you posted something, but it wasn't a joke.