|
Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 482
|
BREAKING NEWS
Earlier today, the USA declared war on Canada, for harbouring Canadians.
Pesident George Bush said in a White House press conference -
"We've known for a long time that Canada has been a safe haven for Canadians and we will not rest until they are eliminated".
When challenged by a member of the press over the legitimacy of targeting Canada, President Bush said -
"Do you want some too", and shook his fist at the reporter, before being restrained and escorted away by White House officials.
INTERNATIONAL RESPONSE
Prime Minister Tony Blair said in a UK press release -
"I would take it up the arse for him (President Bush)"
China, Russia, France, Israel, and Germany also all pledged support for USA, whoever they were attacking, as long as it was not them.
Israel has offered total support in dealing with the Canadian “civilian problem".
Just in, Italy has become the latest country to offer full and unconditional support to the US, as "long as they are winning".
President Chirac of France was quoted as saying -
"Damn Canadians and their Golden Gate Bridge, friggin Casinos, and Grand Canyon, lets wipe em out".
A local French reporter who had challenged this statement saying that the Grand Canyon and Golden Gate Bridge were actually in the USA was later found to have committed suicide, having leapt from the Eiffel Tower. Five members of the French Secret Service who witnessed the suicide on a sight seeing trip at the top of the Eiffel tower, told local press that he had just "jumped".
More news just in, a suicide note has been found on the top of the Eiffel tower from the reporter who earlier yesterday killed himself, the note said -
"Chirac rules, Viva La France".
French president Jac Chirac, when told of the note, complemented the deceased reporter, now identified as Mr Martin Bell of the UK, on his fine understanding of Mr Chiracs stature. Mr Chirac also added that he was considering sending his "condolences" to the family of Mr Bell, and three people associated with each and every direct member of Mr Bells family, before being led away from the press s******ing, and appeared to "give the bird" to the surrounding reporters.
BRYAN ADAMS
Singer songwriter Bryan Adams, a known Canadian, is reported as saying -
"Their action (USA) is out of order" and later went on to call for all Canadians around the world to bring a Geehad against America. Mr Ferry later admitted that he did not know what a Geehad was. Mr Adams was last seen wandering around Washington DC, brandishing what looked like a "Big Mac" in one hand and a large knife in the other. Mr Adams was reported to be repeatedly stabbing the Big Mac and crying "Gee Had, Gee Had".
Regrettably, as a result of the incident, Mr Adams severed his hand and is no longer able to play the Guitar. Celebrities from around the globe have described the incident as a "blessing in disguise".
SHOCK NEWS
Dramatically, the US has launched a mass nuclear attack on the city of Vancouver. General Colin Powell issued the following statement -
"I've always said the X Files should be filmed in LA, not Vancouver, now people are starting to listening".
CANADIAN TURMOIL
The Canadian Army and Navy have been condemned by the Canadian government for refusing to cancel a hockey match, in order to defend their country. A Canadian General has told a CNN reporter -
"The Government (Canadian) can go to hell, this hockey match was planned ages ago and there is alot of pride at stake".
More promisingly for Canada, the Canadian Mounties have launched a counter attack against the US. Eyewitness reports say the troops were last seen near Niagara Falls, the horses had to stop for water. They were held up for longer than planned as many of the Mounties from further up North had never seen the Niagara Falls before and wanted time to admire the views.
Meanwhile, a Reuters agent has reported as a result of the invasion, a complete breakdown of moral standards and law and order in the Canadian city of Edmonton, reporting drunken behaviour, random acts of violence, and mass drug taking. This report was later recalled when a local reporter pointed out that this was in fact "normal".
PROBLEMS IN THE US
Back in the US, a group calling themselves "Americans Against The War With Canada Until After The Ski-ing Season" or "AATWWCUATSS" for short have been campaigning against the US Government to recall the invasion until after the ski-ing season, which ends around February time.
President Bush has responded to the action saying -
"I'm the President of the United States of America, do you really think I give crap about other peoples opinions?"
In the first instance of so called "friendly fire" the USA admitted that it had inadvertently dropped 42 nuclear warheads on Seattle. A US Government described the event as "regrettable". Private sources close to the Government have been quoted as saying -
"Thank god it was only Seattle".
NIAGRA INTRIGUE
The Canadian Mounties last seen near Niagara Falls letting their horses drink, have "gone missing" according to local sources. In a totally separate and unrelated event, US forces stationed near to Niagara have been given a special culinary delight, with the unusual meal of horsemeat curry being served on the menu. Sergeant Mustaffa Cors, a flight instructor attached to the unit, told a local newspaper that all the troops were surprised to see horsemeat curry on the menu, but that it tasted delicious, although oddly, the troops keep finding "gold buttons" in the dish.
MADDONA
Meanwhile, the well-known US singer "Madonna" became the first high profile celebrity to criticise the US action. Speaking at a press conference to launch her new single, called "Unlike a Virgin" on the Canadian market, Madonna is quoted as saying -
"I'm sorry my country is dropping nuclear bombs on your country, I think its really nasty of us, but please don’t hold it against me, please, I urge those of you still alive to still buy my record, thank you".
GEORGE BUSH
Back at the White House the behaviour of President Bush has become more erratic. A local radio broadcaster telephoned the White House receptionist and asked to speak to the President. The receptionist is recorded as saying -
"Its a Saturday night, the President is out clubbing with his mates, he always goes out on a Saturday night, you will have to phone back Monday".
Monica Lewinsky has offered support to Mr Bush, she told the Washington Post -
"He has my number, I will "sort him out"""
CYNICAL
In a sinister twist to the hostilities, the Red Cross has reported that the US is cynically using food aid being dropped in Canada as corporate advertising. The Red Cross claims that hundreds of crates of Big Macs have been dropped on Canadian cities with "BM licks the Whoppa" painted on the side. More sinister still are reports that food aid is being packed with explosives and "booby trapped".
At 13.00 cet today, UN Secretary General, Khoffi Annan released a statement calling the tactics disgusting, if true.
At 13.03 cet today, the UN received additional US funding in excess of 2 billion US dollars.
At 13.04 cet today, Mr Annan was given a special "lifetime achievement award" along with 2 million US dollars.
At 13.05 cet today, Mr Khofi Annan issued a new statement describing his earlier statement as a bit "harsh and hasty" and described the US tactics as "fair enough as far as I am concerned".
When challenged by a Reuters Reporter that the timing of his "award" could be seen as cynical, Mr Annan said - "I've got 2 million dollars so tell someone who gives a damn".
The US has also defended an earlier attack on a Red Cross Aid Convoy travelling to the Canadian City of Vancouver saying that “there could have been Canadians” in it.
HAWAII HITS THE NEWS
In a move that has sent a shock wave through the US, Hawaii has broken ranks with the global community and pledged to support Canada. The news came from an Internet chat forum, where a member was quoted as saying -
"I am from Hawaii, and we support Canada".
In response to the perceived threat, the US launched several waves of cruise missile attacks against the Hawaiian Islands. A shocked Hawaiian Ambassador has denied Hawaiian support for Canada, and set off in a Government canoe to meet urgently with US officials.
A US Government official has denied that the US has over reacted to the perceived threat from Hawaii, and has escalated the hostilities by launching nuclear strikes against the Islands, and was quoted as saying -
"The people of America had better book next years holidays in Florida, because Hawaii just will NOT be there"
White House officials have denied claims that the whole event has been a conspiracy between executives of Disney World Corporation and the US Government. The Internet user who had originally posted the "Hawaii supports Canada" thread has been traced to an address in Dallas, USA, and identified as Mr Haz Binrubbed. Unfortunately, when members of the local press arrived at his address, they found a note on his door saying "if you are reading this, I am probably dead".
MORE CANADIAN TURMOIL
Fighting has intensified in Canada, not between the US and Canadian forces, but between the Canadian Army and Navy. A hockey match between the two descended into anarchy, with players from both sides joining in a mass brawl, with six fatalities.
A member of the crowd watching, when questioned about the fatalities, and how they might have a negative affect on Canadas ability to combat the US, reportedly said -
"That’s what we paid $7.00 for"
The match was being broadcast live around the world on several cable channels. Towards the end of the match, the screens went blank, leaving millions of viewers around the world dismayed. A US General, attached to the US nuclear attack force, when asked if he had been watching the match, responded - "what hockey match?" before s******ing, and chanting "go USA, go USA".
US BLOW
In news that has badly shaken the resolve of the US people to continue the campaign, a US Marine, whilst preparing an assault on a Canadian school, thought to be training "Canadians", stumbled and grazed his knee. He was not badly hurt, but relatives of the US marines have pleaded with President Bush to "bring our boys home now". President Bush could not be traced, and is thought to still be out "clubbing with his mates".
There has been one reported sighting of him at a well known Washington night-spot, with someone who looked like Monica Lewinsky, and an eyewitness claimed that the club was dark and smokey, and he could not see very clearly, but she appeared to be tying his shoe laces for several minutes.
CANADIAN DIPLOMATIC OFFENSIVE
Meanwhile, Canada has been preparing a diplomatic offensive with the US hoping to capitalise on the US citizen’s unrest. Six Canadian diplomats are travelling to Washington for urgent talks with their US counterparts.
In a development described as “a bit worrying” by Amnesty International, the party of six Canadian Government officials, upon arrival at Washington DC, were arrested by the FBI, and severely “beaten” before being paraded live on CNN. At an FBI press conference, a local reporter stated that such action was against the Geneva Convention.
The FBI spokesman responded -
“Which Geneva Convention are you referring to? The old one, or the new one? The United States has just commissioned a new Convention, and I would refer you to Page 6, Chapter 6, sub paragraph 6, titled “treatment of Government Officials”. I quote -
“It is ok to beat up Canadian Government Officials”.
The spokesman then handed out copies of the new Geneva Convention, and adjourned the conference.
BRYAN ADAMS LOSES HIS HEAD
The world of showbiz was today saddened to learn of the apparent suicide of the Canadian singer Bryan Adams. Bryan, who recently hit the headlines around the world for a crazed attack on a hamburger in Washington DC, was discovered this morning by startled staff of a McDonalds, on the outskirts of Washington.
He was discovered with a saw in one hand, and a Big Mac in front of him. His head had been severed, and placed on the table in front of him, and appeared to be drinking a diet coke with a straw. An apparent suicide note found next to the body read -
“It is true, I am a Canadian and I am shamed, so I have cut off my head. To my fellow Canadians, please buy Madonna’s new record, “Unlike a Virgin”, its very good”.
Madonna has been described as “livid” at the poor sales of her new single “Unlike A Virgin” in Canada. Only two copies have been sold, and one of those is thought to have been an advance order from the late singer, Bryan Adams.
Unusually, the CIA have taken over the investigations from local law enforcement agencies, and Special agent C Ovarup told press that it was definitely a suicide, and they would not be investigating any further. A CNN reporter asked how he had managed to sever his own head, place it on the table, and put a straw in his own mouth. Special agent C Ovarup did not respond directly to the question, but took a note of the reporters name, telephone number, and address, and promised to “be in touch soon”.
SCOTLAND SHOCKED
In an apparent widening of the conflict, the United States launched a massive nuclear attack on Scotland. No US Government official was available to provide an explanation as to why Scotland has been hit, although one unnamed source whispered that “at least we do not have to import any more of that bloody whiskey”.
Prime Minister Tony Blair was described as “jubilant” when told of the news. In fact, sporadic street parties have sprung up around the UK, and the chant “Wales next, Wales next” could be heard across the country. Only Israel have publicly supported the strike.
ST LUCIA SHOCK
Reports are coming in that US troops are preparing an assault on the small banana producing island of St Lucia. There is a growing theory that the United States is using the invasion of Canada as a cover, to eliminate competitive markets over seas and strengthen the US economy.
So much so, there has been a mass influx of immigrants to the South American county, Columbia. Many report that the way things are going, “at least we will be safe here”.
Both the Chief Executives of BMW corporation and Mercedes Benz have called on the German Government to “wake up and smell the coffee”.
Just in, it has been confirmed that US forces have indeed taken St Lucia, the Island has been razed to the ground, all buildings have been totally destroyed, and 95% of the local population have been killed. The Head of The St Lucian Army, General Gotta Joynt, told a CNN reporter - "envayshan? whaat envayshyan would dat be thhen? hey maan, you pullin me chyain fur showa maan, heh heh, crazy foool, aneeway, yo got a match, me needin a light".
At this point during the interview, General Gotta Joynt bizarrely pulled out his penis, and said "i show ya the invasion, mohha ha maan".
CNN terminated the broadcast.
CHINESE EMASSIES IN US
In the second major incident of friendly fire the US inadvertently struck the Chinese embassies in Washington, New York, Chicago, Boston, Dallas, San Diego, Sanfransisco, and La, with a wave of cruise missiles, along with "Mr Woks" restaurant in Las Vegas.
A US Military Spokesman attempted to provide an explanation, but just could not stop laughing hysterically, leaving reporters frustrated an baffled. When informed of the news, the Chinese Premier told CNN through an interpreter - “Ok”.
Later, China issued a directive to recall all Ambassador’s from the US. Sadly, all Chinese Ambassadors had been killed in the US air strikes.
USA CONFUSION
Back at the White House, there are reports that the overly aggressive tactics of the US are a result of a growing closeness between the President and Microsoft founder, Bill Gates. Mr Gates has been reported off the record as saying - “We all know who runs this country anyway”
There is growing evidence of the increasingly erratic and aggressive tactics of the US military. US Marines were said to be storming Coconut Beach, Florida, in an apparent mix up over geographical bearings. They are being held back by Local State Police. Local troopers were quoted as describing the misplaced invasion as “bloody typical”.
Mean while, the US Navy have been pounding the US East Coast city of New York, and the US Air force have been launching strikes against most major US cities. US General Colin Powel was unavailable to give an interview, as he was watching a new episode of “The X Files”, however he did issue a written statement saying -
“I’ll be damned if I know what’s going on, ask the FBI”.
The FBI, issued a press release saying - “Ask the CIA”.
The CIA issued a statement saying - “We're unaccountable, now F**k off”.
The apparent lack of co-ordination of the military action, and increasing incidents of “friendly fire”, have been reportedly traced to a US tactical planner, Mr Amaso Nedal-nib. Mr Nedal-nib has been reported as apologising for the mistakes, blaming the poor quality of intelligence reports, along with problems with his internet connection, as he is using an on line mapping tool for targeting strikes.
Meanwhile, US Green Berets have been sent to back up the Florida State Police holding off the US Marines. A US Marine has been quoted as saying “we are just following orders”.
A group calling themselves “The Concerned Drug Dealers Of America”, or “CDDA”, have called on the US Government and Military to “Get its act together” pointing out that on a compass, the needle points at Canada, which ever way you point it.
USA DEVASTATION
Devastating news has just reached US President George Bush. The USA launched nuclear Strikes against all US States, Towns, Cities, and trailer parks, with a population of 10 people or more. US tactical planner Mr Nib-Nedal, was nowhere to be seen. Reuters report that “America has been blown out, like a candle in a storm”.
AMERICA SURRENDERS
At 08.00 CET, on Christmas Day, 2001, on behalf of the United States Of America, President George Bush surrendered to, err, himself. Accepting the surrender, President Bush told himself - “I am sorry so many US folks have suffered, but at least its Christmas, I got to go now, I haven’t opened my presents yet, bye”, before leaving the press conference in a stunned silence.
Italy has pledged its total and unconditional support to Canada.
The Canadian President has issued the following statement -
“Right through this campaign, we had a secret weapon, and that weapon was the USA itself. Its self destruction was inevitable. All we have done, along with the rest of the global community, is give them enough rope, God Bless Canada”.
SIX YEARS LATER
G4 SUMMIT
Canada, the Global super power, speaking at the G4 conference of Canada, Iraq, Palestine and Afghanistan, has been a leading voice against calls to reduce the debt burden of the third world county, the USA. Meanwhile, the beleaguered people of Israel have been condemned by the G4 conference for failing to meet their quarterly “population reduction target” of - 6%.
The Global Ice Hockey league is expected to go from strength to strength, since Canadas’s G4 resolution number 19876671198990, making the attendance of Hockey Matches compulsory.
The rapidly expanding fast food chain, McCanada, has reported a surge in sales, following the Canadian Governments G4 resolution number 98778887199222, making the serving of the famous "Big McCan" compulsory in schools, and hospitals, around the Globe.
BILL GATES
There have been more sightings of the former Microsoft founder, Bill Gates, in a network of caves around the Grand Canyon. In a bizarre statement, a spokesman for Macintosh, the Global leader in PC and Software sales, has called on the Canadian Government to “hunt him down, peel off his skin, rub salt on his flesh, and set fire to his bones”. The spokesman denied any bitterness towards Mr Gates.
EUROPE CONCERN
There is growing concern amongst European leaders at the increasing dominance of Canada on the global stage. Canadian forces are reported to be crossing the Atlantic on what the Government have described as a "training" exercise. A press conference scheduled by the Chinese Government was cancelled when no members of the press turned up.
Australia was reported to be sending a deployment of troops to Berlin, Germany, in a sign of solidarity with Europe. Unfortunately, the deployment was cancelled as the "surf was up".
CANADONNA
Back in Canada, the world famous Canadian singer, "Canadona" reported strong sales of her new single "Canada Rules The World".
WIERDO IN A CANOE
A crazed individual, sporting a 4ft beard, stinking of fish, and wearing a garland of dead flowers, has been spotted of the US East coast, in a canoe.
FRANCE
The French Air Traffic Control, commonly known as "FAT" have called a five day strike. A spokesman for "FAT" stated that the strike had been called because it was "Christmas".
Still in France, in a pledge of support for "FAT", French Framers have blockaded all major roads in France, and have been setting fire to McCanada outlets around the country. The Canadian Government have sent a highly trained Commando squad to assist the French Government in dealing with the protest. The French Government have protested against the Canadian assistance, but a Canadian Military spokesman has been quoted as saying "we're not asking".
RUSSIAN SILENCE
The once great country of Russia has been remarkably quiet on the Global stage. Russian President Vladamir Putin told a CanadaNN reporter that "nobody cares what we think anyway". The CanadaNN spokesman terminated the interview early, apologising to Mr Putin, that she had to cover the opening of the new canteen in the Kremlin, which has just been converted into a branch of McCanada.
EUROPEAN NEWS
Back in Britain, Prime Minister Tony Blair is leading, moves to pull away from Europe, and become the 53rd state of Canada. Mr Blair told a BBC reporter that - "The people of Europe all talk foreign languages, and I don’t like them".
Denmark, Finland, Norway, and Sweden have called to form their own alliance, stating that "our countries are all cold and nobody visits here anyway, apart from a few footballers, a few racing drivers, and ABBA, what have we ever done for Europe anyway? even Nokia has been taken over by Canadarola".
A McCanada reporter told the French President, Jac Chirac, of the call, to which Mr Chriac simply replied "who?". The McCanada reporter challenged Mr Chirac that as the head of a major European country, he should at least know the names of the other countries in Europe.
Mr Chirac did not respond directly, instead, he asked the reporter if she had ever seen the "Eifel Tower".
SWEDEN
The Canadian naval deployment across the Atlantic has circled around the country of Sweden. Disturbing news is coming in that they have been launching a barrage of cruise missile strikes against Swedish suburbs, and Canadian Marines have been sighted storming beaches around the country. A Canadian Navy official has been quoted as saying -
“Like we said, this is tactical training exercise, and Sweden has been selected to participate”.
When asked why Sweden had been “selected”, the official replied that its “payback time for all those years of that ABBA ****e”. The Swedish President has been described as “cross” that Sweden is being used as a live training exercise for the Canadian Military.
Denmark, Norway, and Finland, have expelled Sweden from their planned Northern Alliance.
There has been one report of resistance from within Sweden, with the outspoken Swedish activist, known only as “Altomenan” said to have defied the mandatory consumption of the Big McCan, and was last seen sat on the roof of the Swedish Government buildings eating a bowl of traditional Swedish Soup whilst waving the Swedish flag, and chanting “bring it on”.
FRENCH RESISTANCE
Back in France, a well know reporter for CanadaNN, Mrs Shiela Blige, has gone “missing”. She was last seen being escorted by five members of the French Secret Service, who were apparently taking her to see the “Eiffel Tower”.
The Canadian Government, in response to a growing sense of “anti Canadianism” sentiments within France, following the disappearance of Mrs Blige, and attacks on outlets of McCanada, issued the following statement. “If this carries on, Canada will launch a precision nuclear strike on Paris and Euro Disney”. In response to the threats, French President Jac Chirac, issued the following statement -
“They (Canada) can suck my French Sausage”.
On a domestic note in France, the French Government has been issuing “rations” to immigrants flocking around the entrance to the Channel Tunnel. The rations include a torch, wire cutters, and a pair of “Canadabok” running shoes.
SWEDEN
Back in Sweden, “Altomanan” appears to have abandoned his Government building roof top protest, and has gone “missing” according to local sources. In a totally separate and unrelated incident, Canadian troops, stationed near the Swedish Government buildings, have reported an unusual curry being served, and the main ingredient is said to be “Swede”.
A Canadian Mountie, attached to the unit, described the portions as being tiny, due to a very small supply of “Swede”, the meal was very “gritty”, and tasted like “chicken”. There is a growing belief throughout Europe and the rest of the world that Canada is using the exercise with Sweden as preparation for an assault on France. However, Canadian troops were reported as leaving the country in a hurry. A jubilant Swedish Government have issued the following statement - “They can defeat our land, but they can't defeat our people”.
On the Global stage, Canada’s military might continues to show signs of aggressive manoeuvres and is reported as preparing for “testing” her new range of Inter Continental nuclear missiles, on Sweden.
OLYMPIC NEWS
In sporting news, Canada has taken Gold, Silver, and Bronze, in all events at this years Olympics, held at the Canadian Metropolis of Vancouver. Competitors from around the globe have complained about the unfairness of the games. In the final of the 100 metre sprint, Canada fielded 42 runners, out of a field of 50. Gami Namibia, from Ghana, who finished 43rd in the race, described the race as a “farce”, speaking to a reporter from CanadaNN he said that the Canadian officials placed him at the back of lane eight, and by the time he had reached the starting line, the eventual winner, Carl Daly, was just crossing the finishing line.
Controversy also surrounded the 200 metre men’s hurdles. The twenty eight Canadian runners seemed to make a false start, appearing to “Jump the gun”. The other eight runners were still at the starting blocks, as the Canadians were clearing the last hurdle, when the starting gun seemed to have been fired.
In the final of the ladies shot Putt, actions replays appeared to show Canadian officials “kicking” the putt of Canadian, Maria North, and Gold Medal winner, gaining an extra 78 yards on her original throw. Beaten finalist, Helen Watts from Great Britain, described Maria Norths winning throw as being like “a friggin football match”.
In the high jump, hot favourite, Klaus Wunderdhow, from Sweden, disappeared shortly before the event. Four other “Swedes” also mysteriously disappeared during the games.
Athletes from around the globe have protested to the “Canadian” officials, and have been told to take their complaints to the “Canadian World Olympic Committee”, the governing body of the Olympic Games.
Meanwhile, the Canadian World Olympic Committee have announced that the Canadian city of Edmonton has won the bid to host the next Olympics
Back in Sweden, Canadian Mounties, stationed near the Swedish Government buildings, have been enjoying more of the unusual dish “Swede” curry, following a large containment of “Swedes” just imported from Canada.
BREAKING NEWS
Dramatic news just in, following the successful trial of her new intercontinental nuclear missiles, on Sweden, Canada has struck the European, South American, and African Continents, with a nuclear barrage that has shaken the earth to its core and seems determined to impose Canada as a single power on earth.
Post Holocaust Europe has been described as a barren wasteland, though a reporter for CanadaNN, on visiting the Netherlands, has been quotes as saying “it doesn’t look much different to when I last visited”. The remaining countries are trembling in the might of the Canadian advances, and are said to be in disarray.
RUSSIA DEFEATED
Canada has advanced into Russia, sweeping away resistance with impunity. A Russian General, Vladamir Vodka speaking from a secret location, has described Russia’s military as “crap”.
Speaking live via a satellite link on CanadaNN, he tried to explain a few of the problems they have experienced. Apparently, there is a major design fault in the Russian built “Stalin” tank, in that it can only travel in “reverse”. This has caused a major problem, as the guns point “forward”. Mr Vodka went on to explain -
“It is true, we have to reverse the tanks towards the Canadian lines, then reverse around in a full circle before we can aim our guns. I saw the Canadian troops through my binoculars, they were laughing at us, laughing I tell you. The whole world is laughing at us”. A loud “bang was heard” and the line went dead. Canadian troops have swept through Russia, and have been sighted heading towards China.
CHINESE RESISTANCE
China has deployed a crack squad of 10 million elite “Ninjas” to head off the Canadian advance. News update, Chinese resistance to Canada’s advance has failed. Reports are coming in that the Chinese Ninja Squad was met by a “Hellfire” Canadian Helicopter Gunship, out on a routine patrol, and flown by Lance Corporal Bryan Adams Jnr.
Lance Corporal Adams Jnr reported that is was like shooting coconuts, “I had to fly back to base 87 times for more ammo, each time I got back, they would have advanced a few hundred yards, they would see me coming, and just stand their waving their swords, and making that funny Kung Fu noise, you know, like Bruce Lee used to make, I gotta tell you, it was the darned funniest thing I ever seen, I am just glad I had my camcorder with me, I’m gonna send it in to “You’ve Been Framed”.
When asked if he felt an remorse for having slaughtered 10 million Chinese, Lance Corporal Ferry Jnr replied - “Awwhhh, come on, lighten up, they were only Chinese, ffs”.
NEWS SCANS
Intercepted “News Scans” are coming in that countries around the world are donating resource to one country, New Zealand. Britain has donated what little resource it has left, and New Zealand has used this to build a new fleet of 500 aircraft carriers, and 30 million “AK567” assault rifles”.
France has donated its resource, which New Zealand used to build 2 million “Slammer” Tanks, and a fleet of 10,000 “Black Hawk” strike jets.
Bill Gates has donated all of his resources, on the condition that New Zeland use it to update all PC’s to Windows 2000. A New Zealand official has responded, saying “no F***ing way”, and returned the resource.
Africa has donated all her resource, which New Zealand used to build a new conservatory on the officers mess, which the they plan to use as smoking room. New Zealand are said to be a bit “disappointed” at Africa’s contribution. An unnamed source close to the Government said “damn Africa, apart from Aids, what have they ever given the world?”.
Canada are thought to be unaware of New Zealand’s new found military Arsenal.
CANADA ADVANCES
Canada has swept though most of the known world. Only New Zealand, India, and Pakistan remain between Canada, and total World domination. Indian and Pakistan have refused to be drawn in to the conflict, stating that they have more important domestic matters to attend to.
Latest reports indicate that Pakistan has launched her full nuclear Arsenal at India. India, in response, is said to have launched her full nuclear Arsenal at Pakistan. Only New Zealand stands between Canada, and total world domination.
Canadian Military Chiefs, still seemingly unaware of New Zealand’s military capabilities, has predicted that New Zealand will fall “within hours”.
NEW ZEALAND STRIKES BACK
Dramatic News just in, Canada has been taken by complete surprise by a New Zealand counter attack on the Canadian main land. New Zealand troops are said to be advancing rapidly throughout Canada, destroying everything in their patch. Canadian troops are said to be in retreat around the world, in the face of an alliance of what forces remain from countries around the globe.
BREAKING NEWS - CANADA SURRENDERS
The Canadian Government have surrendered under the New Zealand led coalition alliance. The New Zealand President has accepted Canada’s surrender and have installed an Interim New Zealand Government to run Canada. A New Zealand official has been quoted as saying -
“They (Canada) had made a fundamental mistake, and that mistake was their failure to understand that a body can be destroyed, and lands can be conquered, but the human spirit will always ultimately triumph in the face of adversity.”
Privately, the official admitted that the donations helped, but said “we would have defeated Canada even without them”.
SIX YEARS LATER
New Zealand, the new world super power, have issued directive number 9998788765535569988899, renaming Earth as “New New Zealand”. They have also issued directive number 999998766769998888999999996761223, making the farming of sheep “mandatory”.
But that’s another story…….
THE VERY END OF THE END.
|
Linear Mode
