[s|k]

Is it? I asked this at 14, when I was in Hillcrest, an emergency home for children. It was when I first finally understood the finality of death. First understood it's inevitability. I was panic stricken. I was so frightened by it, my chest would heave and I couldn't participate in any of the events with the other kids. There were a couple of staff, as we called them, who talked to me and somehow made it better, but it took awhile for the panic to stop attacking me.

I just had to stop thinking about it. Now I've just seen that Movie 'The Forgotten,' and not the greatest movie, but movies like this where things are not what they seem are always a bit unsettling and they get me thinking. When I was 14 and dealing with the concept of death, I asked questions such as 'Is any of this real?,' 'is this TV that I'm sitting next to real?' The lady, a large, caring but harsh, black woman assured me that it was real. But why would I ask that? Why would I question reality when putting my mortality together. It's giving me the goosebumps just thinking about it.

The question, it's such a cliche, an overused concept in bad movies, something asked by stoned college kids half out of their minds. In the end it's never taken serious. Is this real? It's not something you can answer with a post, or any other words or ideas. I'm not asking a philosophical question based on some abstract theory or idea talked about by some long dead Philosopher. I'm talking about your life. My life. We shrug off the question, maybe it's unanswerable. But maybe there is an answer and we just don't want to know the truth. Ever get that feeling you're not alone? Ever get that feeling that this is all somehow too easy.

I'm not satisfied with the academic answers. I'm not satisfied by religious teaching. There's something. We're ignoring it. We're afraid. But in the end, it will catch up to us. WE'LL FIND OUT, WHETHER WE WANT TO OR NOT.

I've seen something once that I can't explain. It was a 'UFO.' I seen it, and my foster brother saw it and then it zoomed away at speeds not physically possible. And then when my foster brother went to sleep there was a green ****ing light shining into our room. And I didn't have the courage to look out the window when it happened.

I've hallucinated on drugs once. I didn't mean to take hallucinogens, someone sneaked them into the thing I actually wanted to take. I had never hallucinated before, and I didn't expect to so, IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN MY FRIENDS FACE MELTED BEFORE MY VERY EYES.

This may seem like unintellectual rambling, but I'm not speaking with my logical facilities, I'm speaking from fear. I think we can know the answer (oh yes it's 42 I forgot) if we want to, I think we know but when we get into a state in which we could be possibly open to whatever answer lies out there for us, it terrifies us.

I think that in a quiet state, maybe after having not eaten much, with a few other people who are doing this with you, or just by yourself you could summon the answer. Summon something.

No, I'm not doing any drugs right now.