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Originally Posted by milo
It'd be easer to have a room inside every young offender block, the room would permeate institutional terror. The smell of bleech clings in the air. A nondescript door is opened and the girl is thrown in shackled but still defiantly screaming.
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You should have a paragraph after the first half of the first sentence, not a comma.
Bleach
What is the point of describing something as "nondescript"? It adds nothing to the atmosphere.
What's so defiant about a scream?
Also, what girl? If you haven't already introduced someone you shouldn't refer to them as "the".
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Originally Posted by milo
Eventually she lifts her head and takes in the scene, 12 ft away on a grubby orange plastic chair sits a bearded man, he watches her with an insane intensity. He sits naked apart from a pair of leather shoes. A sick perverted smirk spreads on dace's face. Those that scream on the outside scream so much more on the inside. Dace needs them to scream. The room is 12ft by 12 ft, a starkly lit sarcophagus whose pitted mortar is little more than the final violent fingerprints of so so many naughty children.
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"He sit's naked" should be "He is naked", you have already said he was sitting.
You should have left the fact that he was Dace till the end, it would have been better for building tension. As it is after you identify the character the rest of it writes itself. Also, I don't think he has a beard any more (I could be wrong).
You used a full stop where you didn't need to before "Dace needs them to scream", a semicolon would have worked better.
How can he be sitting 12 ft away when the room is only 12ft long? It seems unlikely. Also, you said 12ft three times now, no need to repeat it.
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Originally Posted by milo
It was beautiful solution, those that preyed on the innocent were satisfied by those that weren't so innocent.
He takes off his shoes and places the chair upside down to protect them, this one'll be bloody. The girl doesn't know what to do, the queerness of the situation hits her with the intensity of her first period. A look of terror spreads across her face, she wriggles in her shackles but that just makes them tighter emphasising her svelte nubile form.
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Why was he wearing shoes in the first place? Just so you could place them behind the chair after turning it over? Pointless, adds nothing.
Using the word "queerness" is bad, it puts ideas of homosexuality into the head due to current vernacular. Adding extra perversity to paedophilia just seems silly and takes the attention away from the situation.
You have also said "spread's across her/Dace's face" twice now. Poor practice.
For the last bit you should have started a new sentence after face, and put a comma after "tighter". It reads too fast as it is, not giving time for the image to sink into the reader's consciousness.
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Originally Posted by milo
He stands and inhales deeply filling his lungs and letting out a feral groan that echoes endlessly. The girl wets herself his keen eye sight picks on it immediately his dark mind delludes him even further. Shes wet. She wants it. Not even shit puts him off.
He takes a step forward.
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A freal groan? What is feral about a groan? A growl perhaps, but not a groan.
Also, nothing can echo endlessly, if you said "which seemed to her to echo endlessly" it would make sense. And something is even less likely to echo in a room that's only 12ft by 12ft.
The next sentence is just terrible; you talk about the girl, then Dace. At the very least you need a comma after "herself" but even then it sounds wrong. Also, it should be "picks up on it" rather than "picks on it". The last part of the sentence is even worse, it should be three sentences rather than one.
Deludes
Also, deludes further? You have given no evidence that he is deluded at all so far.
She's
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Originally Posted by milo
She screams from the pit of her stomach. A howl of utter dispear.
Dace gets an erection.
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You don't scream from your stomach, you scream from your lungs. Fear can come from your stomach but a scream is merely an indication of such fear.
Despair.
The last sentence is OK.
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Originally Posted by milo
we'll all you hang her beat the shit out of her lot may as well put it in an 'artistic' form
<3 dace really its all for fun  |
I'd rather people not put it in an artistic form than offend my eyes with bad art.
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fun for whom?
C-