[Mirai]

two that I got:

Dear Friends,
My name is Norm and I've got an amazing story to tell you, a story that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!

One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp. Rubbing it on my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened. A genie appeared. He told me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass.

Well, I was skeptical at first. I mean, come on, ****ting nickels? But I decided to give it a try. I wrapped my brain around the problem to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the shortest amount of time and it hit me... A chain letter, an ostensibly illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted. Well, I went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get people to duplicate my annoying spam.

Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can **** NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT! And better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY **** NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY ****, YOU'LL **** A PENNY!

Let's look at the math with EASY TO GET responses:

With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate you... that's 21,250 - OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS... RIGHT OFF THE BAT!

And those people can be used over and over again. Let's say that just one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!! Even if they're the same people who got pissed off at _you_, that's still going to mean ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS! ! ! ! PYRAMID SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERE'S NO ONE LEFT... BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOU'LL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!

Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Of course, you'll have to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them. But that's nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE!

Trust me folks, it works. It's a proven fact that if you post pyramid scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU! They'll send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of names, BUT YOU'LL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS!

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Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters!

Dear Norm,
I never thought it possible, but you were right. Ever since I posted your ****. Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass! I even made a game out of it. I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I just bend over and let those nickels go. For every one that makes it through the hoop, I get two points. I've become the Michael Jordan of nickel ****ters. And yesterday, I started ****ting pennies.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
B. A. Schmuck
Fort Wayne, Indiana

Dear Norm,
Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY Jelly. After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my asshole was geting sooo sore. But I'm sore no more and I'm rich as Croesus to boot. Thanks for touching my life and my ass.

Yours Always,
Cherry B. Toodles
Los Angeles, California

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Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! Copy this post everywhere, make people hate you, and you'll **** nickels too! Send your success stories to norm@orbit. demon. co. uk and your letter might just be in the next version!

[chain letter parody; author takes no responsibility for idiots who repost this and cannot be held liable for any nickel ****ting related injuries]

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, and fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution.

I also suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion ****ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a
wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!" What a bunch of bull****.

Basically, this message is a big **** YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns
will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not
continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and which, if it makes it to the year 2000, will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous
streak of blatant stupidity. **** them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being"
forwards about 90 times. I don't ****ing care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's
threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your
life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per
letter he'll receive if you forward this email, lest he end up like
Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.