Tucker Max is my hero.
I don't care if his stories are true or not (I think they are, but I know there's some naysayers round here).
What I love the most are the terrible yet hilarious lines he uses on girls, yet then manages to still hook up with them.
When I go out now and talk to girls, I don't like using classic chatup lines/icebreakers and talking normally. I find it dull.
If you talk normally to a girl and don't get anywhere, all you get is a crash-and-burn.
If you talk and use some appalling lines and then don't get anywhere, then the next day you have a funny which is immortalised.
In many ways I'd prefer to have a night out with some hilarious stories of conversations than to hook up with a girl who I never see again.
Does anyone else do this?
Here are some of the awful lines I've used recently:
Chat-Up Line #1
This was in Newquay. To stay in the campsite we had to have this pink and blue plastic wristband (like those LIVESTRONG ones). I also had another wristband on that my army officer friend had given me, as he'd just graduated from Sandhurst and they were from the graduation party a few days before. It said something like "Live to Serve" on.
So I was in this club on the campsite. It was dire. Full of 16-17 year olds who couldn't get into the clubs in town.
There were only about 20 girls in the club. Most of them looked 12 or were ugly as sin. Or both!
There was one attractive girl, being leered at by about 10 pikeys at any one time during the night.
She left the dancefloor.
I pursued. Leering at girls doesn't win the prize!
I tapped her on the back and she turned around.
Shit.
I'd plucked up the courage to talk to her but I didn't have anything to say to her.
Based on my previous knowledge of her (she's hot) and what I think she'd like to hear (she's hot) I came up with a line.
Tom: "Hey, I've been here for about 2 hours and I've seen LOTS of girls here"
Girl: "ok..."
Tom: "And I have to say without doubt that you are the hottest one here
"
Girl: "i have a boyfriend"
Tom: "I don't care! I just like talking to hot girls! It makes me look cool!"
Girl: "ok....."
Tom: "you're 16, aren't you?"
Girl: "I am NOT! Look i have a wristband like yours! It shows i'm 18!"
Tom: "No it really doesn't. It means you're staying at this campsite"
Girl: "You're wrong. What's that wristband?"
Now here I could tell this little conversation was going downhill. She also had a boyfriend (and had decided to tell me early on), so scoring potential was pretty much zero. I had to salvage something from this.
Tom: "Oh it means I'm an officer in the army - we just had a big army ball"
Girl: "Really? Have you been abroad?"
Tom: "Yeah I just finished a big stint in Iraq"
Girl: "Wow"
Tom: "Yeah, I'm a sniper. That's why my hair is really short. So the enemy can't see me"
Girl: "Was it tough?"
Tom: "I don't like to talk about it. We lost a lot of good men out there. *"
I then pretended to wipe some tears from my eyes.
Apparently this wasn't cool. She excused herself and went to the toilet.
I never saw her again!
Chat-Up Line #2
Another night in Newquay I was just feeling abusive. My friend Mark was chatting to a couple of Welsh girls. It was clear he wanted to go one-on-one with Girl1 so he asked me over to talk to the other one.
I apparently put my hand up in between Mark and Girl1's animated chat.
Tom: "I have to interrupt. Girl1, you look so much like that person from Big Brother... shit what's her name?"
Mark: "Imogen?"
Tom: "Yeah! Imogen! You look just like her"
Girl1: "
oh wow thanks! you really think so?"
Tom: "No wait... not Imogen. What's the name of that ugly transvestite?"
Girl1: "Hey Mark? Your friend is a twat"
Mark: "No! Wait! Oh...
"
I'm such a cockblocker
Chat-Up Line #3
On that same night I saw a girl I really really was attracted to. I had to have her. I pulled out all the stops and went into full-compliment mode. I figured if I charmed her and all her friends then maybe she'd sleep with me. At the time it made sense.
Tom: "Hey wow I just thought I'd say I think your hair is amazing
(it was). It's a really cool style"
Girl: "
thanks!"
Her friends then looked expectantly at me, almost asking me for compliments themselves. I had to think fast.
Tom: "Oh and
your dress is cool too, and yeah -
your shoes are awesome. Actually they ARE awesome."
Girls: "
thanks"
Tom: "I probably sound a bit homosexual making this comments - sorry - I have two sisters so I notice this kind of thing. It's probably quite weird. Also I want to have sex with you"
Girl: "What?"
Tom: "Nothing"
I was stalling. The fourth girl had NO redeeming features about her. Her best quality was that she "wasn't too fat". I was pretty drunk and I just couldn't find one thing to say to her to be nice.
Tom: "I... er.... your hair looks... blonde"
Girl: "what?"
Tom: "Blonde - good blonde!"
Girl: "errr ok - come on xxxx
(i cant remember the girl's name), let's go"
Tom: "NO! No... Er! Look ok, I don't fancy you. But I'd still sleep with you!"
Girl: "Twat. Goodbye"
Meanwhile my friends were all laughing at me and my valiant attempts to go one-on-four with a not-very-attractive-group-of-girls.
MAN DOWN MAN DOWN
ChipZ^ can vouch for those god-awful lines I used. In many ways I'm glad I used them and crashed-and-burned though, than hooked up with some semi-attractive girls. Who wants to hear a story about how you got your end away, anyway?!
I know pig uses lines also - does anyone else? Stuff like "oh you must have had a father as a thief because you're from liverpool oh wait i mean he stole your eyes from the heavens" do NOT count
* I couldn't remember where I'd heard this "we lost a lot of good men" line - I realised a week later it was from Wedding Crashers
