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Unread 14 Feb 2004, 23:17   #2
Dace
so f*cking zen
 
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
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Re: The Chronicles Continue

Hurrah \o/

I'm finally there.

At last i've hit bottom.



But first some background material to the event ...



Last Friday was my sisters 18th.

She had quite a few friends staying in the flat.

To make a long boring story very short:

- her, her friends and one of my brothers (and his gf) left the flat at around 23:30

- i tried to get to sleep a couple of hours later (01:30)

- i was still awake (although drifting off to sleep) when my brother returned (to the flat (without a key) at 02:30

- i got up to let my brother in the flat

- people continued to return to the flat over the next hour and a half

- i got to sleep at about 05:30



Anyways after about 3 hours sleep i had to get up to play 5 aside football.

I went and played and came home and had something to eat.

I then tried to get a couple of hours sleep.

I tried to get to sleep because i was going on a staff night out that evening.

Pre meal meet up for drinks was to be at 6.

I failed in my attempt to get to sleep.




I got up unrested at about 15:30 because my friend (Matt) phoned saying he was in the area with another friend (Tom) who i hadn't seen in 1 1/2 years.

Blah blah blah time passes.

My friends FINALLY turn up at about 16:45.



Anyways i decided that i should stick to just one drink that evening.

Beer ****s with my stomach.

Vodka (/spirits) **** with my head.

I decided that i'd rather not have trouble with my guts and so opted for the voka option.

As vodka is quite expensive (in relation to beer) to drink whilst out i decided i should have a few drinks before i left the flat to save money.

I'd be on singles most likely for the rest of the night so i should be fine.

Ohhhh how words like "should" come back to haunt you.



Anyways i talk to my friends whilst drinking and getting ready then i get a lift into town.

I brave the outdoors with a third of a litre of vodka inside me (drunk in <1 hour).

I walked into the pub at 3 minutes to 7 (the meal was booked 2 doors down for 7) and was just in time to walk out again with my "friends".



Anyways there is a girl (we'll call her "Eve" cause that's not her real name) in my work (who sits beside me doing the same job and who is 9 months younger than me) and now i want your genuine opinion ...

Said girl:

- talks about sex

- tells me that "girls are just as horny as guy" and that they "want to get laid just as much"

- tells me the last time she was KISSED was last October

- punches me on the arm in a playful manner

- ****s with my chair settings (ie lowering it when im sitting in it etc)

- looks through all the passport photos we see for a girlfriend for me

- puts her hand on me knee

- puts her hand on my thigh (couple of days after hand-on-knee incident)

- puts her hand on my thigh and rubs it (couple of days after hand-on-thigh incident)

- laughs at my (on occasion really shitty) jokes

- refers to us as soul mates

- says we should make little PO1 (our job rank) babies

- hand made me a thank you card with drawings and gliter and such which seems to have involved quite a bit of effort after i gave her a book (she reads alot).

AND THE PIECE DE LA RESISTANCE

- she asked me to smell her lip gloss WHEN IT WAS ON HER LIPS (i declined twice but on the third request i decided to do it).



I MEAN AM I TOTALLY OFF BASE IN THINKING SHE LIKES ME?



We'll (and by "we" i mean "you") will find out soon enough.



Anyways back to the night out.

From pub to restaurant (im still drinking vodka at this point).

From restaurant to pre-club pub (i decide to start drinking Kronenburg).

From a pre-club pub to just a random pub (still on lager).

And now i'm pretty wasted.



So we're in the pub and everyone seems "merry" and my fellow PO1 asks me a question.

She asks me about the Dunblane shooting.

Now i don't really like talking about it.

It wasn't exactly a nice time.

I'm drunk tho so i tell her a few things about it.



Reasoning that she's asked me a question of a personal nature she wouldn't normally ask me at work i decide to "return the favour".

I ask her out.

Well i think that's what i do.

My memory around that time is slightly shakey.

I think she said that she "didn't think it was a good idea" and that "i was only saying this because i was drunk" (cue me saying "i'd be saying this even if i was sober").

Hmmmm anyway my memory is slightly shakey.

After the initial KB i think i might have alluded to a more "purely physical relationship" perhaps maybe or something you know if she didn't want to date me because of the whole "having to work with me thing" you know just sex etc.



OK so thats happened.

You don't ask you don't get.

No big deal.

My brain understands this.

Unfortunately however my body does not.



AND NOW FOR WHAT IS PROBABLY THE MOST EMBARRASING THING WHICH HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME ...



My body.

My ****ing piece of shit body.

My ****ing body betrays me.



Now there are probably reasons.

I was tired.

I was pretty drunk.

The whole "Dunblane thing" gets me "emotional" at the best of times.

I was probably going into shock after she said "no" (i was that convinced she'd say "yes").

Anyways those are just excuses no matter how valid.

The truth is i started crying.



Well not really crying.

More "filling up".

Right there amongst the folk i work with.

God i tried to stop.

Ohhhhhhh how i tried.

But it's difficult.

It wasn't like i had wanted to start in the first place.

So tears started forming at the corner of my eyes.

And more tears followed those.

And the bottom line was maybe i wasn't crying but it certainly looked that way.



So i go to the toilet to try and "compose" myself.

And out of sight i manage it.

And the folk from work are "moving on" to another pub.

And i decide to go home taking my bloodshot eyes with me.

And i feel like a complete and utter dick.



So there you have it.

The first time i have ever cried in public.

The first time i have cried in a long, long time.

The first time and it's infront of a girl i quite like and would want to impress and as such would want to look strong and manly infront of and just end up doing the complete opposite.

And so maybe it's not really "hitting bottom" but it's the closest i ever want to get to it because it felt so very bad.



THE END
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