Yahwe's account is pretty accurate. I can't be bothered to essentially repeat what he said. Although I like how he skimmed the KFC encounter. While this wasn't likely to be the most anecdote-rich of events, seeing and hearing Yahwe on his FIRST visit into a KFC was something marvellous. Some little pieces of gold I can remember must be:
Yahwe: "So how do we queue in here? Do I just stand behind this man here?"
Withering, slightly embarrassed look from everyone else present.
Yahwe: "Why do people eat so fast in here? Don't they savour their food?"
furball, looking on with complete bewilderment: "It's KFC. I don't think it's possible to savour your food. You just eat it as fast as possible and hope it doesn't touch your taste buds on the way down"
Yahwe: "Flavio, could you get me some salt?"
Flavius politely nods and goes downstairs to fetch him some salt.
Tom: "You just got him to fetch you some salt, and couldn't be bothered to yourself? He's got his own food to eat"
Yahwe: "Ugh, be quiet and eat your food"
Yahwe: "Oh my... I feel sick. I think I ate my chicken popcorn too quickly. Oh... the indigestion is so bad"
Tom: "It's ok Steven. You don't have to finish it if you can't. You've done very well. We're all really proud of you"
Yahwe, smiling gratefully: "Thanks
"
Once we were in Los Locos it all became a little confused. The place was rammed full of people (of which about 80% seemed to be men trying it on with the 20% of women there). I didn't recognise any of the songs, and the dancefloor was packed. Yahwe managed to find a little area to dance in on his own (seeing him dance really is something everyone should experience at least once in their lives - the cardigan added a little
je ne sais quoi) and everyone steered clear of his flailing arms and gyrating hips.
I saw an opportunity to sit down (next to two girls). They appeared to not be leched on by any other males, so I decided to start talking to them. I've recently read a book called "The Game" which is about a bunch of guys who essentially turn picking up girls into a science and write theories about it (and then post on usergroups on the net about their findings). Anyway, one of these theories involves going up to a few girls with a scenario which requires their advice or help. I hadn't believed it would work (I thought I might get a quick piece of advice, but that'd be it) but apparently it does. Anyway, the initial opener went something like this:
Tom: "Hi, do you mind if I sit here?"
Brunette: "No, go right ahead"
Tom: "Thanks.... actually maybe you guys can help me with something. My friend from Exeter has been texting me with a problem he's got and I've given up trying to give him advice. Basically he's just starting seeing this new girl and she's got a real problem with him being friends with his ex. He doesn't know what to do about it"
Blonde (turning to me, whereas before she kind of was turning away): "What, so the new girlfriend doesn't like the fact he's friends with his ex?"
Tom: "No, exactly. He wants to be friends with his ex but the new girl doesn't like it"
Brunette: "Well how long ago did they break up?"
Tom: "Errrrr about 6 months ago? They were together for a year or so"
Anyway the conversation got more animated as this went on. I honestly thought they'd just give me some advice and I'd be stuck sitting on my own, but they really got into it. This is the second time I've used this made-up scenario to break the ice with a few girls, and it works brilliantly.
So the conversation progressed a little.
Tom: "So are you girls Londoners then?"
Brunette: "Are we what?"
Tom: "Londoners - do you come from London?"
Brunette: "Oh. No - we come from Jersey"
Tom: "...are you serious"
Cue lots of "wowzers" and "gosh it's a small world" and "do you know so-and-so". Zing.
Unfortunately it transpired that one of the girls had had a boyfriend for 4 years, and the other seemed to be a bit religious. Me, thinking I was hilariously witty and amusing, when in fact I was probably pretty insulting. Oh well!
Deepflow, furball, Minty and Flavius left a bit early (1:30am or so I think?) and I believe ended up sleeping at Flav's for a few hours before heading home.
Pig and I remained at the club, drinking a little bit more, and dancing a little bit more. We left at 3am or so, and walked to Picadilly Circus with the two girls. We got our second rickshaw of the night from some poor guy who tried to tell us he couldn't fit 4 people in it (eyeing pig up and down worryingly at the same time), until we convinced him he had the strength to do it. I paid him in Jersey money too. Poor sod.
Our plan was to go to a casino until 7 or 8am to keep warm and lose a bit of money, but apparently all casinos in the UK are required to close by 4am, by law. This hampered our plans somewhat. Our trains weren't until 7am or so, and it was deathly cold. So what did we do?
Another rickshaw to Waterloo! Ohhh yeah.
I think this might be one of the scariest moments of my life. The fact that the guy had a wonky eye when we approached him should have been my first warning sign. Did he have depth perception? Pig seemed confident though, so I trusted in him. The guy drove up streets while being shouted at by guys in cars who I'm sure were gangsters (or just black, whatever), driving across two lanes of traffic into more oncoming traffic, going up one way streets, going across pavements, and freewheeling down hills at something like 30mph.
One good thing came out of this hell-ride though - my heartbeat went right up, which probably kept me warmer for another 5 minutes. It might even have saved my life, as I swear that after 3 hours sitting in Waterloo Station pig and I were close to death. Luckily Costa opened and we used the warmth from a medium hot chocolate each to warm our little mitts. Imagine that - beating cancer then beaten by the English winter. Gawd damn.
Anyway, I wrote a couple of zings on my phone from the evening as they amused me at the time. Most of them have me in them. I'm not trying to go "lol guys look how funny i am" - it's just I only started writing them down towards the end of the evening, and obviously I was in all the conversations as otherwise I wouldn't have remembered them. Yahwe did some good ones earlier in the evening but I can't remember them, and I hadn't been writing them down then.
Dace: "I want to shag Gemma
"
Tom: "You can't - she's in France. Stop texting her!"
Dace: "I want to break her in half
"
Tom: "Is that so she'll be slimmer?"
Dace: "
"
Dace, pointing at Yahwe: "He dances like he looks"
Tom: "Huh?"
Dace: "BAAAAAAD"
Tom, talking to an indian girl in the UV lights: "God, your teeth are so WHITE! They look amazing! Have you had them whitened or something?"
Girl, smiling at the compliment: "No, I had braces when I was 14 or so though"
Tom: "Oh wait. I think they only look white because the rest of your face is so dark"
Girl: "What"
Tom: "I... uh...I'll be back in a minute"
Girl, flicking through the photos: "Oh can you delete that one of me please?"
Tom: "Yeah ok"
Girls continue to flick very rapidly through the photos on my camera, spending about 1-2 seconds on each one. They suddenly stop and turn to us.
Girls: "Who's that?"
The pic on the cam is of Blasto, sitting normally and smiling at the camera.
Pig, proudly: "He's our friend. We have black friends, you know"
Girls: "Oh"
Poor Blasto
Tom: "God doesn't love you"
Girl: "Yes he does - he loves everyone!"
Tom: "Not you. You're a terrible Christian"
Girl: "I go to church every Sunday actually!"
Tom: "Really? That's quite admirable actually. What about hangovers?"
Girl: "Oh, I go on Sunday evenings"
Tom: "Oh. That doesn't count. You aren't a real Christian"
Girl: "Yes I am!"
Tom: "No. You really aren't. God doesn't have time to be at church all day. Everyone knows he spends Sunday evenings watching Jonathon Ross"
Girl: "Whatever. Where's my friend gone?"
Tom: "
"
And that's my little report of yesterday's events! It was good to see everyone again, and meet idi and Flav for the first time. I had an excellent time (although I spent an exorbitant amount of money). Hopefully next time more people will come along, and maybe next time we won't end up in Los Locos!