The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish
"Bang" is the sound of a plan backfiring.
"Bang" is the sound of me shooting myself in the foot. "Bang" is the sound of me repeatedly thumping my head against a wall. Sooooooooooooooooo i went on a date. I arrived at the pub a couple of minutes late and was kinda frantic incase Liz had turned up early/on time. However as she is a girl there was no real need to be concerned about her punctuality. Anyways i get there and the "words of wisdom" i received from GD: Quote:
Not just any bottle of beer tho. Oh no ... a bottle of Becks. Becks is only 275ml. That's HALF A PINT. Half a pint per round. The genius factor was high. So liz turns up 10 minutes late and she wants a peach schnapps and lemonade so i get her one. Even tho i had phoned her a couple of hours before (to do a final confirmation) and she'd said she would definately be there i had still been concerened. Date shown up, drink in my hand and things seeming to go well i was a happy camper. Blah, blah, blah. We talk. We drink. Liz finishes her drink. I offer to buy another. She insists we do rounds. After a brief argument i quickly agree (:ninja:). She buys me another becks. She buys herself a ****tail. I put my "almost finished" bottle on the bar and leave it there. Hello genius "trying to drink as little as possible" plan. Liz doesnt notice. The cycle is repeated. The drinks are finished and i ask her what the name of her ****tail was. She says that "they cost a fiver each" and "i'm not to get her one" and she'll "just buy them on her own rounds". "Ohhh no" says i "I insist" Well that's what i said appearing not to be tight with money. That's what i said. What i thought was "There are quite a few shots in that ****tail" :ninja: Again my bottle isn't completely finished when i put it on the bar. Again i feel like a sexual predator. Again this makes me smile on the inside. After Liz's fourth coctail we leave to go to the bar next door. On the way out i leave a half finished bottle of becks. I hold her hand so we "don't become seperated in the crowd". We get next door (hello Bar Brel) and "ohhhh my what a suprise her best friend and her best friends boyfriend are there" What a turn up for the books. "What the **** is she playing at?" i ask myself (still not sure even now). Liz buys me another Becks and herself a Peach schnapps and lemonade. We talk to her friends. The drinks are finished and after discussing it i go and get another round in. Bottle of miller for the gentleman. 2 glasses of white wine for the ladies. Nothing for me (i'm nursing my first bottle from Brel still ... again :ninja:). The barmaid tells me: - £4.10 for a glass of wine. - £9.50 for the bottle. I return to the group with my old bottle in my back pocket, two empty glasses and a bottle of miller in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. There's 7 units of alchol in a bottle of wine. Liz drinks 3 and a half of them. Liz's friends start to talk amongst themselves. I talk to Liz. Liz's friends keep on kissing from time to time. I talk to Liz. I see an opportunity (she mentioned she was worried i wouldn't show) and decide to show Liz i like her so i kiss her. Things become less strained. We leave Brel a little bit after. Liz had bought me another Becks. I left 2/3 of it by the door on the way out. Just me and Liz go on to Curlers (another pub). We get in and i go to the toilet and Liz goes to the bar. I come back and she's ordered a double round (2 reefs and 2 becks). There are no free chairs/tables. We find a quiet corner. We stand there talking and kissing from time to time (just pecks not tounges). The drinks are placed on a speaker. I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS AN ACCIDENT (seriously) but i manage to knock over one of my full bottles and it spills out. I'm left with one bottle which is at that time about the same mark as Liz. At this point i'm starting to get a little worried. I'm thinking "Maybe she's a little TOO drunk". I'm thinking "Maybe she should slow down". I'm thinking "Maybe i shouldn't have got her so many drinks earlier". I'm thinking "I can see all this going HORRIBLY WRONG". Liz finishes her drink and i suggest we leave. Bullet pointing she says she wants another drink before we leave and i eventually agree on the proviso it's her last. I don't have another drink. We leave the pub and go back to hers. It's about 12. Thankfully she lives close by. We get in and she's swaying. Swaying pretty bad to be honest. "Ohhhh ****" thinks i. So Liz talks to her flatmate. Liz is at a complete loss as to how she is so drunk and how i had the same amount to drink as her and am still fine. I decide not to educate her (or her flatmate). We go to bed. Liz is feeling really ill. Liz is "sorry". Liz "wanted tonight to be so good for me". Liz "cant have sex tonight". Liz not having sex means Rankin cant have sex either. We lie in bed together. From time to time we kiss. From time to time things become "hot". Things never become "too hot". I keep on cursing my original plan. After a few hours Liz tells me she "feels like death". I cant help but smirk. Well not so much smirk as smile. "What is it?" "What are you laughing at?" "Tell me i want to know" pesters Liz. "Dead girls don't say no" says i. It was a beautiful moment. Very touching indeed. Anyways Liz is uspet that we didn't "do it". I tell her that "i'm glad this happened". That "everything happens for a reason". That "this way i'll know you even better when it finally happens" Chicks REALLY dig this sensitive caring shit. I leave her place 15:40 the next day. Liz is rather hungover. Liz is still amazed at how well i can hold my drink. Liz had exams all the following week (Tuesday, then Tursday then Tuesday again ... ie her last one was yesterday). They were 3rd year exams* and so she had to study for them. As such i haven't seen her since then. I have phoned her several times tho. She phoned me on Sunday night. We talked for 3/4 of an hour. Anyways to wrap this story up ... - I am seeing her tonight. - I am going round to her place. - We are having a "quiet night in". - We are watching a video. - All this was Liz's plan which I think means she wants us to "get it on" tonight. If we don't i am going to be "miffed". THE END *i have already had all the "What at school?" jokes from my friends/work colleagues so don't bother. |
Re: The Pain, The Horror, The Anguish
Fancy that lads, Dace is about to pop his cherry.
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When I read that line about third year exams I actually fell off my chair laughing. Comedy gold.
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YOU ARE SO JEALOUS YOU ARE STILL A VIRGIN! |
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Best thread on GD atm :cool::up:.
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hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahhhhhhhahahahahaha
seriously though, she probably thinks youre the greatest guy to ever live. If you were actually planning an actual relationship here then what youve done so far would be almost perfect. frp, a manipulative and mind gamey point of view,.even though you havent meant any of it. However given you arent, u r dumb. |
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mental note:
people learn how drunk they are as much by how drunk the people around them look as anything else. maybe you should act drunk next time, if you go with the same plan. |
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Edit: You edited that fast :up:. |
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[15:05] <Belgarath> if she goes down on you, you must return the favour [15:05] <Dace> nope [15:05] <Dace> i cant do that [15:06] <Jonny> as in don't know how? hohoho |
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Comedy mamaries good sir
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The man who says 'Dead girls don't say no' when in bed with their girlfriend has to rock. Congrats Dace, you aren't shit any more :) :) :) :up:
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Hurrah \o/ |
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It's a good thing you weren't drunk, otherwise your 'Dead girls don't say no' would probably have been 'Dead seven year old girls can't say no and can't tell mummy or the police what Dace has been doing to them'
Other than that, you seem to have pulled the proverbial rabbit out of the hat. |
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Given i amnt what? |
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But it is still a compliment :) |
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Yeah, but subconsciously I do the same thing. Not AS bad (half a pint to her doubles), but I am aware of what I'm doing usually. I think most blokes do. |
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I'm confident in my ability to outdrink anything with legs.
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This thread is genius.
Congratulations on taking a plan a "bit too far" though. |
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good going dace, excellent story telling.
shag her. |
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nice one dace. no paedo jokes from me.
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mmm.... that's odd |
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Dace doesn't seem that bad if you ignore the fact he likes underage girls. Go Dace!
Any pics of you? maybe her for wanking? |
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I was bored so I did the due diligence.
She drank: A peach schnapps and lemonade (1 unit) She buys herself a ****tail (2 units) You buy her a ****tail (2 units) After Liz's fourth ****tail (2 units) You buy her a ****tail (2 units) She buys herself a Peach schnapps and lemonade. (1 unit) Liz drinks 3 and a half glasses of wine (3½ units) Liz orders vodka 2 reefs (4 units) She says she wants another drink before she leaves (2 units) Which comes out to a nice round 19½ units, or nigh on 10 pints of beer. The fact she was actually still walking could possibly mean that Dace's girlie is possibly not going to win any prizes in any 'Not Built like a Horse' competition. It's pretty impressive, anyway... |
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brilliant dace, brilliant!
well, almost.. gl with it :) |
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This will go so badly wrong.
Have you not considered that she might have several gallons of becks waiting for you tonight? |
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Utter pld.
By far the most amusing thing I've read on GD this month. Welcome back Dace :) |
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Ace Dace hehe
\o/ Be sure and let us know how it goes. |
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firstly this thread is fab....
secondly, i still dont understand why there is no sex in the morning when she is relatively sober, its a great hangover cure. nm though, good for you :) |
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Sex is a superb hangover cure.
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BTW - why does everyone say Dace is a paedo (sorry Dace for bringin all that up again!) |
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i've always liked dace. Even when he was shit and unfunny. Back off you glory hunting ****rags!
Dace, a drink when im back in stirling? |
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Ace Dace.
However, you have a disgusting preference of beer brands. |
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heh i want to tell, i really do, but it'd ruin his moment :( |
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The only way to get any in the morning is if you manipulate their sleep so they start having horny thoughts. Otherwise they wake up totally self conscious about their breath, hair, feel like crap, usually whine about their insides etc etc. You can see where I am coming from. |
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ps. morning glory is an asexual erection so you'll last longer because it takes a while for it to become a sexual one. bonus
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:cool::up:
Dace got(almost) lucky! |
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+morning sex is the best, clear head and fresh stamina etc. |
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It must be specific to waking up next to you mate. :D **** YOU PAGE 2 |
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updates?
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